Love & Loss

Was that "Tuckshop Lady' really me? I barely remember her now & the thought of actually being her seems like someone else's reality. Yes, I took my dream job but the flaw to dreams are they are limited by what we know or have experienced... as we evolve, so do our dreams. I always knew that although I didn't know what I really wanted, I would recognise it when I found it. I didn't factor in that when I found it, I may not be 'allowed' to have it. (Michael was my wake up call!) So, I stopped dating & reevaluated my goals.

For a long time I felt no-one else would ever make thier way into my heart... until my grandaughter arrived! Contrary to what some have suggested, my heart is not cold & closed off, it's just particular! Ebony Ann was a gift from God and shines light on my life every moment of every day.

As for the dream job... it wasn't. Although I didn't see it at the time, it was simply the first step on my road to finding what I was 'supposed' to be doing with my life. I went from job to job, reveling in the challenges & absorbing all the training I could get my hands on, exceeding other people's expectations of me but still never quite satisfied. I needed more & knew I wasn't fulfilling my own expectations of myself. With each job, my friends kept telling me I should just stay put & be happy as each job was undoubtedly better or more prestigious that the last. They would have been right if I cared about prestige or status. It just seemed like they were wanting me to 'settle', the same way thay had when I was dating. They meant well but if I don't keep searching for what makes me happy, I can't sit back & bitch that I'm not happy.

So, I completed certificate 4 in this & cert 4 in that... whatever was on offer but the reality was that although I was learning how to be a better, more successful manager, I didn't enjoy managing. With every personal success, I felt no personal joy. I'm an intrinsically motivated person in an extrinsically motivated environment. Damn, I finally learnt something useful! My joy is in helping others to achieve!!! With this, I took annual leave & enrolled in cert 4 Training & Assessment. I'll be a trainer. 3 weeks later, with certificate in hand, I quit (another) my job. I applied for job after job as a retail trainer and came so close to landing fabulous jobs that my friends were getting more frustrated for me than I was for myself. It seems that my experience & knowledge didn't count for much if my resume didn't have the word 'Trainer' on it. One misguided acquaintance even told me, (quite rudely) that I had no right expecting more than I already had. I couldn't have the man I wanted, (I have no control over that), I damn well was going to get the job I wanted!!!

It took me 3 months to find a company, (1 man really), who looked at ME rather than my resume, & took a chance. Becoming the new Training, Recruitment & OH&S Co-ordinator for a 22 store strong retail company was the opportunity I had been working so hard for. As it turns out, I'm really good at it too. Finally, I have found what I am meant to be doing. Every achievement is an achievement I can be proud of because I'm helping others to achieve. My business life is fullfilling and challenging. (I'll even have my WHSO ticket soon). (I really am a 'learning junkie'.) So, why is it the hole in my heart continues hurting like it is a fresh wound? Why can't my heart just let me be happy with the wonderful life I have created? I have the perfect job for me, my kids are fabulous, my grandaughter is perfect, my friends are few but true... Why is the lonliness trying so hard to push it's way to the top all the time. It's been 2 1/2 years since Michael...

Why can't I just be single & happy???

53hrs in 3days! That's a long time to stare at a monitor. It will all be worth it if... no, WHEN I pull off this job. I have made an interactive Portfolio to knock thier socks off! And a printed, bound version for ready reference. They'll have no question I can submit a tender now.

I so wanted to show you but of course you don't answer the phone. I'm sorry that I'm not the psycho bitch you want to believe I am. You know that I'm not... I wouldn't scare you so much if I were. Still, I wish you could see what I've done. I miss you.

I don't really like you very much right now though.

What a conundrum!

"Take a risk. Stand up to the fear. Take control by letting go.
Look like a fool. Take a leap of faith. Trust someone you don’t know.
Remember this, neither for me, nor you but for the three adored
What I see, they see too. Their future is to follow by your lead."

Ironic how these words, written for you, held the answer I was seeking for myself. Only now, this minute, have i realised that this is exactly what I did last Sunday. When writing that poem, I believed the meaning to be figurative not literal. I was wrong.

I took a risk. I stood up to fear. I took control of my life by completely letting go of all control. I definately looked like a fool, (& have the video to prove it!). And what more of a Leap of Faith can there be than to step out of a plane 14000ft in the air.

I've also told you that true strength comes from allowing yourself to be vulnerable.

As I leapt from the plane, I felt no fear. I felt no rush of adrenalin. I simply felt free & empowered beyond the bounds of my imagination.

All the while I have been attempting to help you believe in yourself by showing you how much I believe in you, I didn't really believe in me. I accept the hyprocracy but I don't apologise for it. Now, finally, I do believe in myself.

I accept that I have no control over anything in this world accept how I see myself... and it's ok! I can't make you love me. I can't make you love yourself. I don't know how to break through your walls. I don't know why I love you as I do and I don't know how to stop loving you... and it's ok.

What I do know now is that loving you makes me feel whole; that I am very good at what I do; that I am capable of so very much more and that I am going to go out & do just that. But most importantly, despite all my mistakes and bad choices and all the suffering they have endured because of them, I know that my children are proud of me. No matter what else I achieve in my life, that will always remain my greatest accomplishment. To allow myself to forget that would seem to diminish thier worth.

It isn't our mistakes that define us but what lessons we learn from them. Your text this morning, about packing, made me cry. I cried for you. Then I got angry. I got angry FOR you, not at you. I can handle the pain of you not loving me but I cannot cope with the pain of watching you hurt & you not allowing me to help.

I have searched for you for so very long. As the song goes...

"You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind but then I knew it,
My heart was blinded by you.

I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet..."

I'm not asking anything of you, Michael. I used to hold on to the romantic notion that 'If you love something, set it free. If it's yours, it will come back. If it doesn't, it never was.' Life just isn't that simple. You HAVE been the one for me. 'we shared a moment that will last till the end.' Thankyou. I will never lay down with anyone else but being alone doesn't scare me anymore because in my mind & in my heart, you will always be beside me. I wish you well.

'...It may be over but it won't stop there, I am here for you if you'd only care.'

visions of you cascade through my thoughts
tingling heat becomes a burgeoning fire
you begin to take form, as you rise from the ash
i feel the warmth of your breath as you sigh
remember the pleasures of our flesh against flesh


nearing the crest. a crescendo of dizzying height
enveloped by the heady aroma of sweat
shallow whispers deepen to heart pounding moans
the sound of your voice steals my breath. i gasp
as electric bolts course through my body, my loins


the pinnacle of ecstacy, our bodies become one
we collapse entwined. no breath. exhausted
our lips touch. i drift to sleep in your arms
saying a silent thankyou to my Angel & God
for the potent & powerful gift of a sensual mind



Sleep well, my sweet xxx[/SIZE][/FONT]