How to Get Blitzed in 30 Easy Steps

What the hell is up with Craigslist.org?! Have you been there ever? I got into a conversation about it with my sister this morning because she'd asked if I ever went there.

Oh hell, all the time. I never buy anything or request to meet anyone, but I like to read some of the entries to feel better about myself! LOL!

Ok, what is the deal with the married people ads? "I want to have a secret and discreet meeting with someone. I am married and looking for what I am not getting at home. Please be discreet!" On the internet. You don't get much more discreet than that, do you?

And some weird shit! Real ad, or at least part of it:

"We're four guys looking for girlfriends and decided to take a new approach. We're going to throw a get together for any single women looking. To make it a little different and perhaps more fun, we've decided that we will all be naked. That will make your decision easier for you. You don't have to be naked because we're not looking for that. Rather it will be four naked single men for as many fully dressed women want to stop by and listen to some music and have some company." http://raleigh.craigslist.org/msr/429164480.html

What would Freud do? "i have a mom son fantasy i need help with i know there are alot of sexy moms in raleigh" http://raleigh.craigslist.org/msr/428758066.html

WTF?! "I am in need of a weekly bare bottom spanking. I am looking for a lady to administer my spankings." http://raleigh.craigslist.org/msr/407059858.html

Ok, this is just gross. "i just wanna stroke off on your breasts then lick em clean!!!!" http://raleigh.craigslist.org/cas/432251070.html

In rants section...

"Everyone is riding hard on the NC highway patrol for the unethical and improper conduct of having sex on duty. But they are not the only cops doing it, they are the only ones the news media is targeting." Yeah, no shit, because they're the only ones getting caught! http://raleigh.craigslist.org/rnr/432112202.html

Just thought I'd share a laugh with you!

I don't how many of you have even heard of the show Maximum Exposure, let alone have seen it. But I love that show. Anyway, there was a rerun of it on tonight and one of the clips gave me the best idea ever.

It was from Brazil. These two guys get arrested for selling crack. The cops take them to their homes to search for more drugs, and both still live with their moms. So they tell the moms that they are being arrested for selling crack. Both guys' moms beat the daylights out of them and insulted the shit out of them. "Thank God your father isn't here, you dog!"

But what a great idea! What if all criminals arrested were taken to visit their moms before going to jail, if their moms are still alive?!

Seriously, if my mom ever found out I was selling drugs or something, I would beg the cops to take me away and get me away from her! My mother would beat me senseless! There is nothing the cops could do to me that would scare me more than what my mother would do to me.

I think it's a great idea. A visit to mom would cut down on repeat offenders. And it may cut down on crime all together if they knew mom was going to have at them before the cops did anything to them. Let's face it, mom can be worse than the death penalty. Am I right?

I'm in the apartment. We actually managed to sleep here last night and we're doing the same tonight. So we could be ok. Right now I am actually using dial up, lord save me, to post to the internet. I got real used to having cable, so this is torture. LOL! But it is something until we can get the cable worked out. We're lucky, Darnell's brother uses dial up for his laptop (don't ask, I don't even want to know) and we're sort of piggy backing on his account until we're set up. Internet addiction: it's a terrible thing.

This is going to be a weird setup. I was in my room trying to get some things set up, empty some boxes as best I can, and decided to go in and see how the other two were doing. I walk into the living room and they're propped up on the futon sofa and a chair. Now... we're all dressed the same, and it was sort of sad in it's own right. We were all wearing military clothes. Not the full uniform or anything. The pants, the boots, and the tan t-shirt. They had the curtain drawn over the back door that leads onto the porch, there is only one light on in the room so it is sort of dim. There's a small table set up in the center of the room. On the table is a bunch of paperwork, a map, two cups of coffee, an ashtray, and Darnell's handgun. My rifle is leaning against the wall where I'd left it after I was cleaning it (I was waiting for the fumes to die down and then got lazy). The two of them are leaning forward looking at something on the table and talking quietly.

I stand there looking at this scene. There is a slight cloud of smoke in the air throughout the room. It took me a full minute of staring at this scene before I busted out laughing.

"What?"

"Man... seriously, this does not look like room mates in an apartment. It looks like we're plotting to overthrow the government or something! Could you at least open the curtain?!"

It seriously looked like something out of a movie. And I have a feeling our neighbors are just going to love us!

Two of my buddies came over today. They're guys I actually haven't seen in a while, not since they left the military. But they decided it was a day trip kind of week and somehow landed down here. About six hours from their homes.

So we're catching up and having some fun when the one guy says he stopped at some store on the way down and bought this $300 taser for his girlfriend. Nothing like a guy with a live taser, let me tell you!

I knew what he was thinking. This guy has never been the brightest crayon in the box, so to say. "Dude, if you taser me I'm gonna kick your ass!"

I've been tasered, peppered, gased, maced, clubbed, stabbed, cut, you name it. None of which are particularly enjoyable activities, nor would I care to live through them again.

Tasers are painful, embarrassing, and maddening all at the same time. The one time I got tasered - and I won't get into the story of how, let's just say I was a rotten kid - is a time I will never forget. All your muscles lock up and you lose complete control of yourself. I managed to gurgle, but no words actually came out, nor did I scream.

However, dumbass over here with a taser is now playing with it and promising not to taser me with it.

"But I do want to know if it works."

So he tasers our other friend. He dropped like lead in water and began screaming.

I always freak out with these things. Tasers aren't exactly 100% non-lethal. Deaths have been known to occur. And God knows if this guy's heart is in good enough condition to handle a taser. But of course, you know this ain't the first time some dumbass guy has tasered his buddy. Which is why I don't like that "non-lethal" tag added to it. It still ain't a toy.

Anyway, he pulls off the trigger with a little demanding and threatening by me. He gets up off the floor eventually... then wets himself! Normally that happens during the tasering, not after. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!

These guys were always fun to hang out with, but now I realize why I was always relieved to get away from them.