Asshat Menagerie

I used to work for a really large multinational corporation for 15+ years. It was the best place to work: awesome people, learned a lot, summer volleyball, baseball, and softball leagues, all sponsored by the company. Summer company picnic (with beer trucks). Yearly gala with food, drinks, entertainment. If we didn’t get bought out, I would still be there…

I was in between girlfriends. About two months before I met my current ex, One of the big bosses decided to put in her resignation. She had met the love of her life and wanted to start a family. We of course had to have a big going away party for her. This was the same woman we gave a teeny, tiny teddy that had a big cheesy rose on it and said “Always A Lady” in some campy script and a nice bullwhip for Christmas, to show her our appreciation on our newest assignment. We were such assholes but she was really cool and knew how to handle herself.

We met at some giant bar and proceeded to drink heavily for something like 7 hours. I knew that it would be good when my immediate boss at the time gives me 3 condoms and she proceeds to tell me, “you know, for later… Not with me, idiot! Those three girls over there (and points to three girls that worked at the other end of my building).” She had gone to school with one of them and the other two worked in her area. Most of the guys in my building referred to the as “The Third Floor Hotties”. I told her I would need a whole hell-of-a-lot more than three condoms. So they came over and began chit-chatting. Mostly smalltalk: Where’d you go to school? How did you end up in your current area? What kind of music do you listen to? Are you intimidated by three or four women pawing at you? You know, the usual stuff…Eventually, they let it slip that they would be in my building for pretty much another month, and I told them that I was being sent somewhere for probably 9 months to a year too.

I could see the wheels turning and two of them pleaded for me to go with them. I didn’t know where this was going to go but my friend I drove in with, had two women circling him, one of which I knew really wanted to be more than friends with him. I went up to him and told him I was taking off. The interested girl knew that was her chance and chimed in that she would “take care of him” and then corrected her obvious Freudian slip to “take him home”, or something to that effect. I thought it was deliberately funny.

I walked out of there drunk as hell with a really big box of condoms and four girls. I do not know where the fourth girl came from — friend of one of theirs? Never saw her before in my life, but she looked pretty good too. They all did. They were actually very intimidating because they were sooo good looking.

Anticipating what was about to possibly unfold was very sobering for me. We all get in our cars and we ended up driving literally around the corner to one of “The Third Floor Hotties’” apartments. Hell, we could have walked there, with three of the four perched on my boner. I do have my limitations. I think all four would have done me in.

They all walk in and I’m bringing up the rear, so to speak. I’m wondering if I’m dreaming or if I’m going to get killed as a human sacrifice. I walk in the door and they all turn around and look at me. I get the feeling it’s the same look a lioness gives to a gazelle, but without the bloodlust. I’m also wondering which of them is going to make the first move on me.

There’s the tall leggy blonde. Smallish perky breasts. Intoxicating smile. Then the medium build light-haired brunette who had eyes that would melt anything. Curvy and she smelled REALLY nice. Then the megahottie. This girl was smoking hot. There was nothing on her that didn’t ooze sexuality. Even her feet looked sexy and trust me, some people got some ugly feet! She also knew how to throw the vibe out there. We were in her apartment. The last girl, did not work with them. She was the cousin of the medium build brunette. She looked like a slimmer, ever so slightly less curvy, but more ‘adventurous’ version of her cousin. And she was…She smelled REALLY REALLY nice too.

So two of them go into the kitchen to get some more drinks, as if they didn’t have enough. So megahottie and cousin hang back and begin to talk to me. cousin is to my left and slightly back, almost touching me, she’s so close I can feel her sexy, hot breath. She’s also letting megahottie run the show. Fine by me. The other two come out of the kitchen with big smiles and some beers, and a tray with a bottle of vodka, ice, and some glasses. They hand me a beer and each of them gets a shitload of vodka. Fine by me. Some more chit-chatting but of a more adult nature ensues. Lots more drinking too.

megahottie asks tall leggy to turn on the radio. She then asks me to sit down and points to this big chaise lounge. I sit down and they all go to the stereo to decide what song they want. I’m not really paying attention, because more clothes are coming off (of megahottie and cousin). All they have on now is skirts, stockings, really thin tops, bras and panties. The music starts and medium brunette is pretty much giving me a show. cousin is next to me and I can see out of the corner of my eye that tall leggy is getting friendly with megahottie. Nothing out of control but there was something going on. So I have to really concentrate so I don’t make a mess. cousin lifts up her skirt and puts her hand down her panties. She then pulls it out and asks me to taste it. I have medium brunette gyrating in front of me, then they both hop on me, one on each leg. They’re just gyrating like monkeys on my leg. I have such a boner that it’s painful. They’re taking turns making out with me and taking my hands and rubbing them all over themselves with it. They each slip them under their shirts and one at a time, have me take off their bras. They increase their pace and come almost simultaneously. They roll off and each still holding one of my hands. They keep my hands were each one was on their breasts. Panting like asthmatics.

Now it’s tall leggy’s turn. She moves up and begins to remove her clothes as I tweak cousins’ nipples. tall leggy smiles and drops to her knees and pulls of my pants and underwear. She crawls up my leg and stops at my painful erection and just slips it into her mouth. It’s so warm and nice but it still takes her about 5 minutes to make me cum. She also cannot believe that after all they did to me that I lasted that long. Me too. I told her that it was numb from overexcitement. In fact, I was still hard as a rock. megahottie comes over and pushes me back flat against the chaise lounge. She jumps up and straddles me. She leans forward and kisses me. I feel another set of hands (tall leggy) on me, putting on a condom. She then comes around and offers me to taste her golden triangle. It is one of the nicest looking and tasting ones I had ever had! In one motion, I see how turned on the show made megahottie — she grunts like an animal and impales herself on me. The others are watching and just letting out low moans. she picks up the pace. Faster and faster. She slides out a few times and roars to have someone put me back in, since I can’t. Each time, cousin steps up and puts me back in. I could also feel her feeling megahottie’s ass, possibly putting in a finger in her ass, as well. Eventually I can feel her finger when I’m in megahottie all the way. She’s gyrating like a maniac on me. I finally let loose as she’s letting loose herself. I roll her off and still have a semi. I go to stand up but tall leggy has walked over and has begun to stroke me. She does that for about 30 seconds and I am rock hard again. She puts a condom on me and she plops down next to me and pulls me by my boner into her. I swoop into her and I just have to hold myself up. She is just working it in and out, like the sexual athlete she is. Eventually I feel it and just as I am about to let loose again, I feel her shaking so much that the chaise is shaking and so is everything for about 10 feet from it. She then starts to babble and drool. It was awesome. I come like a racehorse.

medium brunette pulls me off of the chaise, leaving tall leggy and megahottie on it and cousin on a big chair next to the chaise. We walk down the hall to one of the bedrooms and into it. She pushes me down and walks around, with me turning towards her. She then proceeds to get into the bed and spoons with me. She opens up her legs and rolls a condom on me and slides me into her. I grab her shoulders and begin to work it in and out for all I was worth. I figures, I’m pretty much done so why not go out with gusto? I also notice that cousin is watching us from the doorway. I am tearing her up. She’s got this “Oaoaoaoaoh” yell going on. finally I can’t take it any more and I blow my wad. I carefully pull out and leave her there shaking like a leaf. I go to the doorway and cousin looks at me and pulls me to the bathroom. She’s making out with me the entire time were going there but I look over and tall leggy and megahottie are stroking each others’ bodies. I get a little twinge in my area from that. She closes the door and is just rubbing herself all over me. She jangles my erection to see how hard it is and decides it’s good. I look puzzled. She puts a condom on and then reaches into the medicine cabinet and pulls out a tube of lubricant. She begins to lubricate her ass and to stroke me. She then gets on all fours on the bathroom floor and looks over her shoulders beckoning me. I walk over and just place it near her area. She grabs it and shoves it in her aching pussy (she called it that a few times). She is like an animal. I have to control it, since I know anal with a hot chick will be my reward if I can. Although at this point, I will probably be cumming dust anyway… she slams me in all the way and then just holds it in her. I can feel her insides hollowing out. A few more times and she says “It’s time”. She wiggles her ass and I begin the assault on her ass. I was slow and deliberate and then merciless. We end up with an audience, which made me strive to perform even more: the other three came over to watch and they were cheering her on to take it like a champ. When I finally came, she was working on her third orgasm. It was quite a mess. I see why she picked the bathroom.

I cleaned her off and then me, since I’m such a gentleman. She was still making out with me when we got out of the shower. We went down the hall to the living room and I got my second show: megahottie, tall leggy and medium brunette all rubbing each other’s areas and licking each others nipples. Quite the spectacle. I was hard again, but this time, cousin just dropped to her knees and blew me. She told me that since I had her “in that way”, that I was hers for the rest of the night. I grabbed a condom out of the nearby box, slipped it on, and I picked her up and did her standing up right there. Well, almost. I fell back onto the other couch across from the chaise and kept her on top of me. She gyrated on top of me as I slipped one of her breasts in my mouth. She ended up cumming about three minutes later. I was so spent, I didn’t come. Still had an erection, though. So she pulled off the condom and blew me until I was raw and finally came.

We left about the time the sun was coming up. I went back to pick up my car with cousin. We saw each other as much as we could after that, until she left. She was going away to some weird school on the other side of the planet. The “Third Floor Hotties’” area was transferred to another building a month later, with the three of them getting separated to different divisions. We had two more interesting ‘meats’ in between. I did get that assignment that took me far away for almost a year. I met someone there too, but that’s another story…

Not ending up as a human sacrifice. I highly recommend it, if you can arrange it.

Having never dated in the twenty-first century, what is expected of me?

I am newly divorced. Thanks, no need for applause. No really... I am in dire need of some help from the ladies. No, it's not what you think, perverts. I need advice:


I had been with the same woman for over 20 years. the first 16-17 were quite nice. The last 3-4, not so nice. Before her, I was with someone for three years, two years for the one before her, and one for the one before that. It's been one relatively long term relationship, followed by another. Because of that, I do not want to go 'into the wild' with pre-conceived notions. I know I will try but I'm only human, and will probably bring some baggage. Hopefully, something small that will fit in the overhead bin, or under the seat.


I can hold a conversation with anyone. Having a great breadth and width of knowledge helps; reading and actually having an opinion and not being afraid to voice it, helps. Being multi-lingual also has its advantages, besides being illiterate in 5 languages...


In reading others' blogs, I've confirmed what I knew beforehand:

+ It's not OK to tell your date you only have 10 minutes and try to get a bj in the Famous Footwear parking lot;

+ it's not OK to grab your Denny's waitress' breast, no matter how nice, or enticing it looks;

+ it's not OK to pick up pregnant women at the DMV, no matter if they look 'good' or not; and,

+ when cavorting with pirate women, don't buckle your 'swash', unless you really want to piss them off.

SEE LADIES, I DO READ YOUR BLOGS. REMEMBER THEM TOO.


I have never ever had the expectation of sex on the first few dates when I was younger, which always made it a pleasant and welcomed surprise. I never knew of the infamous 'sex on the third date' thing until I was way beyond that. That's also the only 'rule' I remember from back then. Not that rules aren't meant to be broken...


It would not be fair to the next woman I sex up --- my 12 seconds of pent-up fury notwithstanding [Giving myself the benefit of the doubt here, folks. No sex for 14 months, it's probably more like 6 seconds the first time.], for me to make assumptions. I am still, however, a Latin lover, being born in Cuba.


All I can offer when I'm ready, is someone that will listen, maybe mentally stimulate you, physically stimulate you after 'the first 12 seconds' are out of the way, make you some excellent Cuban cuisine and exceptional desserts, and the occasional weekend presence of two adorable smartass kids that will treat you like crap and walk all over you, like you actually gave birth to them.


I was also 'semi' kidding about the ice cream truck in my blog immediately before this one. To me, there would be nothing greater than going around from beach to beach selling ice cream to scantily clad women, playing the muzak version of Mr. Bungle's Bungle Grind. I know it's hard, unrewarding work, but
I'm your ice cream man, baby, stop me when I'm passin' by, they say all my flavors are guaranteed to satisfy... (John Brim, you da man!)

Am I going to be OK?

No. Well, F-U too. Here's a dixie cup. Is your mom around, kid?

These past 300 or so years have been a wild ride for us humans:

general improvements in sciences -- microbiology, human physiology, medicine, biochemistry, etc., boosting our understanding of the inner workings of the human body, coupled with the development of vaccines and germ theory.

What now is our greatest focus? Simple: keeping our skin soft, our dicks hard, and our brains 'just right'.

The "Greatest Generation" is now nearing Social Security age and needs to keep their edge, no matter what. They do not want to "Go Quietly Into The Night".

It's very easy to take pill or get an injection to make you fabulous. The trouble is, once you start, you sometimes can't stop or you'll end up worse off. I'd like to refer to that effect as the "Melted Face Syndrome", if I may.

There's also a cavalier attitude about taking steroids: while I've read and seen news articles about no ill effects for people taking steroids, there's still a huge segment of the population that are impacted very negatively by the influx of hormonal substances in their bodies, synthetic or not. We need to stop looking up to atheletes as role models. They're very good at children's games and have limited careers. How many of us are 'retired' at the age of 30 to 35 and leave at the pinnacle of our chosen profession? Yeah, I'd want to do that too, but at what price? Shrunken external genitalia, or non-functional internals? No thanks. I like my huge testicles 'as is'. If you want to look bigger, then do some work. Shortcuts take you but so far. You still need to travel the road, be it the expressway, or the "Road Less Traveled".

Lastly, I want to really ask what Restleg Leg Syndrome (RLS) is. I don't want to make light of an affliction, but it sounds very made up. It rings of "I Just Ate A Big Lunch So My Stomach Hurts" Syndrome (IJAABLSMSHS for those of you keeping track). Again, my apologies if you suffer from it. It just needs a better name.

-_-

I read two people’s blogs somewhere and their words moved me to to write this:

baby i’m amazed that I wasn’t catchphrased,
blazed and jaded but not chemically castrated,
like these posse clones,
humping battle drones,
fighting with salesladies and their mom’s au-pair,
getting street cred stealin’ underwear.


i’m almost startin’ to feel really alive,
not the contents of my wallet or the car I drive,
this dog is less fluff and more stout,
strong in arm and mind throughout,
usually smart and brash,
not about the coin or cash.


too fast? too slow? you never really know,
you have to pace yourself there, bro.
and the two things you’ll find:
besides the incredible mind;
that chick will kill you, I have no doubt;
and, she’s got a kid so you know she puts out!

-_-

We have barely climbed out of the trees and have reached for the stars. Too bad that while our hands were up we were being pickpocketed. Next time, when their hands are in our pockets, maybe they’ll give us a quick wank...

We are nothing but logarithmic progressions of our forefathers. There is no such thing as an independent variable in real life. Those that reach the pinnacle or sink to the depths are just anomalies. To be deified or discarded. One man’s trash his another man’s treasure indeed...