Purple Realm

Now I recall...

At age 13, I was sent to live with my father, his wife, their newborn baby (born unexpectedly the day I moved in!) and my older sister. I lived with my father's household for one year, then we all moved to a bigger house where Grum and my uncle came to live with us.

A lot happened during the two years - this I know already, but I'd forgotten some of the things that had actually made a large impact on me then:

For instance - I forgot that I used to walk two Springer Spaniels for our neighbour while she was at work. She had a lovely kitchen, and a whole countertop was dedicated to Kinder Surprise toys! I remember looking at this neat arrangement of tiny, cute things every time I visited, and I recollect now, this is what started my collection.

Somehow (I do not remember at all) myself and a friend had somehow become rather fond of a young policewoman who lived a few blocks from my house. I remember she was blonde and quiet, a loner, attractive, and mad into Madonna and horses. She took us to the stables to help her care for her horses one time, and I rode one but didn't like it.
We'd help her with her chores, and she would give us a little money as reward, and let us hang out at her house.

I had completely forgotten that I and another friend had babysat some 8 or 9 year-old triplets one summer, when we were 14. The pay was good, the children were not too bad, and the house smelled funny.

What bothered me the most upon remembering forgotten memory was the next one. I was upset that I forgot.
My youngest sister was very little, and I bundled her up warm in her pram on a Saturday morning, to take her for some fresh air. We would walk out of our cul-de-sac, and onto the pavement, which led to bumpy cobblestones.
Now, I don't know how this happens with all babies, but they all do it - as soon as you wheel them onto bumpy ground, they open their mouths for one long "aaah" so they can hear the bumps, "a-a-aa-a-aaa-a-a" you know? It's so adorable! Anyway, we walked this familiar path a few times so, in time, she started to make the sound a little bit before the cobblestones began.
Connected to this sweet memory are others - teaching her to speak different words, to sing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star", the funny looks I'd get from people whilst we were out on our walks (as if I were her too-young mother), and moving away... Bond lost.

Sometimes I feel sad about that. But, I think that things are most likely for the best the way they've turned out. Who am I to say they're not? I see nothing but the drawings on the cards I've been dealt. I know nothing of life beyond my experiences, whether lost forever, burned into my eyes, or found suddenly one day, like a diamond among the dirt...

And I'm grateful for each one, no matter what emotions they invoke. Tears may fall - are they of joy or sorrow, hate or love?
Does it matter?
Smiles may be wry, joyous, sad, sardonic.
It's still a smile, and it's still mine. It's my saltwater to shed, and my memories. Powerful or weak, they're mine, they're important... They are me.

Now I recall.

Well, it's Thursday evening, my web runs out in a few hours and Resi 5 is released tomorrow. I'll be back sometime next week, probably.

(How adorable is Hiro?)

Just as I was slipping into a very bad place, I have an excellent day.

We got a surprise in the bank today - the money we've been waiting for from the government. Phone call to energy supplier followed quickly - and we were able to square up completely with them. Finally!

Also, my foot it still firmly down about the No-Presents rule for my family this year. I expected guilt to sway me as usual, but I can't put Mik or Grum through the issues I have anymore, so it's deal with it or nothing. We need to sort out our finances this year, and if they can't understand, it's their loss. I will not let guilt ruin me and thus, the two most important people in my life anymore.

In other news, Grum is recovering well from insomnia and weakness, my aunt has had a dose of humbling karma, and my cousin (brother of beloved D) who unfortunately suffered a sudden Bell's Palsy is finally starting to get better. We were really worried for him, and his mother.

Another of my cousins is about to embark on his mission (he's a Mormon) and we're really happy for him.

I treated myself to a much-needed new mascara, today, too. I usually get cheap ones that clump and hurt my eyes, but I saw one I really have loved the look of for a long time today, and when I went to pay, it was half price!

Now? I'm having a celebratory drink.

I'm the most stress-free I've been in three months. It's so nice. And even if I revert back to shite tomorrow, I've got this post to remind me not to feel so pathetic.

Instead of curses to all, you may have s but not hugs, because I value my personal space. Well, hugs from some.

We're at Grum's until Sunday, and I'm a litlle out of sorts. It's been quite a while since I posted (well, for me) has it not?

It's also been a long time sice I wrote a poem or a story. I didn't realise quite how therapeutic it was for me until I suddenly stopped having ideas. Well, to be fair, 99% of the products of my ideas are total shit. *laughs*

I am actually amidst writing a story that will appear here in parts, as Break did, although I think this one will be better than Break, for the simple fact that I'm not writing this one purely to distract myself from a family tragedy .

Anyhoo, I've actually written an re-written several posts that are serious in nature - you know how rare this is for me, I stick to random shit that doesn't really matter, personal crap that doesn't matter, blah blah. Guess I kinda got sick of portraying myself as stupider than I am. Thought I'd share some of the more serious thoughts and opinions that go on in my head.

I deleted them all.

. I'm just not really sure that it's necessary. People don't like change. They don't like their uninformed, shallow, insultingly wrong little opinions on people to be shattered, after all. So let us all just pretend I'm an angsty little bitch with no life experience, and all the "better-than-worse-than you" humans can sleep soundly within their deluded made up world.

I'm sorry. I got a real attitude problem, this is a rant aimed at the universe for pissing me off, and random "fuck you" to life and all that's in it.

Confused again, eternally ambivalent and oh so tired.

Ehhhhhhh....

Yeah.

Hopefully I'll be in more of a tolerant mood soon.
Ciao for now, and curses to all.