My huge battles with debilitating panic are, for now, pretty much over. I'm getting the residual loveliness of dizziness, derealisation and depersonalisation, skipped heartbeats and such and the odd panic ranging on the scale, but the day-to-day terror and severe agoraphobia have gone. What has replaced that is the standard depression that lurks as ever (not a problem in itself really, everyone's used to that and it doesn't hamper our day-to-day shit as much as the mega-panic) and, unfortunately, the anger issues I've been doing well(ish) with in the past are causing... a lot of trouble. More than when they first came to a head, so to speak.
I've never had a good temper, of course, but things between me and certain people have been strained to almost breaking point too many times and there's only so much of that anyone can take. I know I have a real issue with self control when it comes to issues of the mind and I'm willing to work on them. As ever. Even though it seems like a futile little roundabout, but ho hum
Oh, one of my sisters had to go for a sudden appendectomy last Saturday, bless her. We had her over here for three nights the following week to make it easier for her to recover (she was at home alone, upstairs, finding it hard to move and stuff in the day) so that was cool. Stressful as it is having someone else around (which seems really fucking stupid, especially considering just how well we get along) it totally exhausted me afterwards but it was worth it. She's doing well.
Did I tell you Mum's moving out of her home this year, and into my favourite aunt's house? I'm not sure I did. It's overdue. She can't be by herself any more and I can't be there enough to pick up the slack. Maybe with a car and license, I could. Living close, sure. But in the end she'd still have to move in with someone else, somewhere else. And honestly she can't rely on me. I was totally out of play for a year and a half for my last breakdown, for fuck's sake.
I love my family but also resent them, and I shouldn't. I resent them for a fault of my own; I cannot confide in them like they do in me. I am there for them in 90% motherly role. Especially my parents. Which is... Odd. It's my fault and I hate them for it, sometimes.
I pretty much detest everyone I love at some point and could happily knife them in the face. Don't worry, I wouldn't actually do it, and yes, I know that's not something I should feel. Again, aware and working. Always fucking working and being made to feel like the laziest of the lazy, sometimes.
Hmm. Feeling sorry for oneself is not attractive, nor is it productive.
I need that phone call this week. I don't like how I feel. I don't think it's ever so major: I need my meds upped a little and I can work again.
And I resent that too. Why the fuck do I have to work away to strive not to make myslef and those around me miserable? Why are those who love me punished for that?
Eh, shut up, self.
Oh, I totally sliced my thumb making bread and butter pudding today I'm a major klutz. I also have some kind of tumour or cyst from that thorn injury, deep under my skin. It hurts
Baaaahhhhh. Moan, moan, moan.
Here, have a collection of my favourite recent LOLs to make amends.
(Even though it's "whimsical")