Saturday, July 18, 2009 10:10:10 PM
"The nights are the hardest."
Be it loneliness, loss, struggle, whatever the pain, there's something about the soft sheets, silence and silky darkness that brings out the worst in most of us.
Maybe our minds get tired. Small assurances, little errands, the chatter of people walking about their everyday lives... Our brains focus on these throughout those hours of sun, so that when, finally, we retire to a still, black state with nothing but our own selves for company, we're so tired we can no longer block that little voice that taunts us.
Call it whatever the fuck you want, the idea's the same.
I don't understand it.
I find that nights are the best. Most breathing in the atmosphere in this part of our hemisphere, in this country, anyway... They're in the dark, alone as I.
I can concentrate. Think straight. I'm not distracted, confused by the rabble of everyone going about life as normal while I struggle internally. Failure to contemplate just how, how they dare go about their daily routines like nothing's wrong, when everything's fuckin' wrong.
I watch them busy themselves, seemingly important tasks to be undertaken as quickly as their feet, bikes, fancy cars will take them. Faces turned up to the sun. Laughter drifting along the air. Joviality coming off them in damn waves.
How can they live when everything's so wrong?
But, then, how can I sleep after a day filled with cold sweat, quivering and trembling like a newborn lamb? How, with nothing to distract my mind, do I lie there in the dark and fall asleep so easily?
Maybe cause tomorrow's a new day. Who knows what awaits me when I regain consciousness? I mean, I could be the same wreck I was today, right? Possibilities are pretty high for that.
But there's a chance, no matter how small. A chance that maybe, tomorrow will be a little different.
Maybe I'll prepare a meal, and enjoy it, thoroughly. I might get somewhere.
Maybe I'll look out the window at all those people living as normal, and decide I want to join the party. See the light. Live for today. Whatever.
Something may just click in there...
And maybe I'll have a better day.