Suntana's Blog Trek

You all are probably wondering, "Where in Looney Tunes Land is that shameless, up to no good, Incorrigible Wordster Deluxe, Mischievous Razzer Texan? Where is that Suntana character? What is he up to? Why is he late? We want to be entertained. Does he think we're going to wait till Halloween for his weekly treat?

Never fear. Don't despair my loyal readers. Sorry I got delayed. My entire Sunday morning was booked up. I was out helping someone unload a Moving Van. We started at around 8:30AM and remained busy all the way until 1:15PM when I finally got to eat. The wait was worth it. I got to eat Turkey & Mashed Potatoes with Gravy, Peas, Macaroni Salad and Cheesecake. To drink, I had Lemonade and Big Red Soda. There were also some … Uhhh, Squash Muffins. WTF? When I heard they had Squash in them, I didn't exactly fight everyone to wolf one down. I tried a little piece that I ripped off of one. Verdict? Nnnnggg, not bad, but it didn't exactly make me want to finish the rest of the muffin. I don't know. I'll have to give them another try with an open mind. I mean, I like Squash. However, somehow when I think of muffins, I think of more along the lines of Dessert-y or something you can eat with milk, orange juice or even Dr. Pepper. Squash in muffins just sorta made me hesitate for now.

I believe it was early Saturday that my friend Mags wished me a Great Day. I can't complain. My Saturday went well, uneventful, but well. I think Mags' Great Day wish for me kicked in today. As part of my helping out with that Moving Van unloading, I got a little treat … or maybe more like a BIG treat. I was given a 32" TV. They told me they didn't want it anymore because it had a little annoying habit of not turning on right away. But, they added that once it did come on, it had a great picture. So, I took it off their hands. I've never had a TV bigger than a 20". I've been testing it throughout the afternoon to see what kind of delayed Power Up times I get. It varies between around 2½ to 4½ minutes. Not bad for a FREE 32" TV with great picture. I'm gonna see if I can find the User's Manual Online. It's possible the Programming is Fugged Up like for Auto Turn On and / or Auto Turn Off. Hopefully I can give it an attitude adjustment.

Heyyy, y'all, I have a great idea. How'd y'all like an adventure? I kinda thought y'all would. Let's get started then.

Sometime back, my sister was tossing Blog Post ideas / requests at me. She went, "Hey, how 'bout Homecoming? Everyone has … you MUST have some Homecoming incident." Eeeeee Yeah, I guess I do have a certain recollection of some girls suckering me into an undesirable situation. It was my Senior year in High School. My family had just moved to that little town that Summer. So, I was the mysterious new dude on the block. Through some oversight on my part and / or maybe some clarity-challenged schedule from which to choose my classes, I somehow wound up in Related Math class with just some Freshman students.

Homecoming time came around. For those of you loyal readers of my Blog who are from other countries and might not be familiar with the Homecoming ritual over here in the USA, this is how it goes. During Football season, there is a Homecoming event. I believe it is called "Homecoming" as a celebration when school alumni who might now be living out of town, get to all come home and meet up with friends and family. For the Homecoming Football game, off the record, it is customary that the Home Team will have chosen an opponent whom they THINK they can probably most assuredly BEAT. This way, a Football victory by the Home Team will make for a more enjoyable Homecoming night. Throughout Homecoming Week, girls run for Homecoming Queen. One candidate is selected from each of the 4 High School grades. A Homecoming Queen will be crowned at half time of the Homecoming Football game. There is a Homecoming Dance after the Football game.

Sooo, one day I was minding my own business in Related Math class. Three of those Freshman girls ambushed me. They go, "Hey, Carlos! How'd you like to do us a BIG favor?" I go, "It depends. What are we talking about here?" Little did I realize at the time that they might have been just Freshman girls, but they were adept at setting up a trap to snag themselves a Sucker Suntana. Batting their eyelashes … Damn! They were already Cheating! Confound it, those Master Manipulators! As I was saying, batting their eyelashes, perfectly tuning their Girly voices in full Operatic Damsels in Distress Turbo mode, they went, "Our friend Maria has been having trouble finding a guy to escort her during Homecoming." I go, "And what does that have to do with me?" Switching their Stressed Out Girls in Solidarity into 2nd gear, the little Manipulative Princesses went, "Well, we were wondering if YOU could escort Maria." I shot back, "WHAT? ME? Why ME? You Freshmans, boys included, were the ones who selected her. If those Freshman boys voted for her, one of them should logically be the one to escort her. Why don't they want to escort her? Something wrong with her?" The Plotting Pro Freshmanettes skillfully explained, "Oh, NO! She's a great girl! It's just that the Freshman boys are just a bunch of immature, snobby idiots." Not really realizing I was really losing my advantage, my edge, I THOUGHT I merciless gave them a Big Bowl of Read My Lips, "I'm sorry about your situation, but it's really NOT MY problem. I don't even know who this Maria is."

We went back & forth a couple of more Rounds. By the time I knew what was going on, the 3 Female In Cahoots Connivers had me secretly thinking, "Hmmm? While I'm not familiar with and have no clue who this Maria is, after all, they DID select her as their Freshman Homecoming Queen candidate. There ARE some Cutie Freshman girls whom I've seen around. Thus, logically, it stands to reason that this Maria would have to be even Cuter and Hotter than them. Hey! Who knows? We might click!"

With me now in Drooling Anticipation mode, I finally told the 3 Freshman Conspirators, "Okay, FINE! I'll do it. I'll escort this Maria." The girls went, "Hah Hah! You Sap! You're so easy!" Okay, I'm Just Kidding. The girls didn't actually say that. But, they might as well have. As luck would have it, shortly after I had already agreed to escort their mystery Maria, my foggy memory started clearing up. Suddenly it dawned on me, "Wait a minute! Now that I think about it, I do vaguely know of a Maria. Could it be? Could SHE be the one whom I agreed to escort? She IS a Freshman, I think. What have I done? Auuuggghhh!"

Yadi Yadi Yada … that Maria whom I belatedly recalled, did turn out to be the Maria I agreed to escort to the Homecoming festivities. So, it wasn't the Droolingly-anticipated Maria the Cute & Scorching Seductress Mistress, which I had erroneously logically theorized it HAD to be. To put the Cherry on top of the disastrous predicament, there of course just HAD to be a Homecoming Dance, in which we were obligated to participate. As some of y'all who have read my Double-crossed at the Wedding Post already know, dancing is NOT my forte. Oh well, I lived through it.

The weather Sucked big time today. It was very windy. Good thing the people with whom I got together for lunch today didn't have a Cookout in mind. Some of y'all might already be familiar from my Cookouts … Shmookouts! Post that I despise Cookouts. Granted, right now the onslaught of pesky, annoying Flies hasn't arrived yet. And if it HAD already been Fly season, no doubt today's wind with the power of a 747 Jumbo Jet engine's thrust would have blown away the Flies. Okay, so the wind wasn't actually THAT powerful, but it was indeed very strong and Piss Offishingly irritating.

The wind did not ruin our lunch though as it happened to be inside. You know … on second thought, it WAS sort of a Half Cookout. How so? You see, one of the Main Courses for lunch was Whiting fish. As per prior strategic reconnaissance fact-finding intelligence, data indicated that some people loved their Whiting fish with Stinky Green Crap Cilantro on it in addition to the Onions & Lemon and whatever other secret ingredients happened to be tossed in. Those Cilantro-contaminated fish were grilled outside. Then there were the rest of us, the SANE people who preferred that their Whiting fish taste great. With our impeccable High Standards and our propensity for elite culinary tastes, we of course wanted nothing to do with that pungently odoriferous taste-mangling Cilantro, which smells like the inside of a Fisherman's boot in the Summer. Okay Okay, so I couldn't help, but incorporate 2 lines from the old TV Show MASH. While virtually gagging, Charles Emerson Winchester once inquired, "What is that odoriferous Fungal Mass?" In another episode, Hawkeye Pierce was in the Mess Hall, trying to pinpoint what their sorry excuse for lunch tasted and smelled like. Hawkeye finally goes, "Okay, I finally got it! This smells like the inside of a Fisherman's boot in the Summer." So yes, Cilantro is all that and more for me. Nevertheless, sans Cilantro, my grilled Whiting fish was great. The Cilantro-Free fish were baked inside. I also enjoyed a Spaghetti-like Pasta Salad, Potato Salad, Nachos, Cake and Iced Tea. No, Jen, it wasn't Better Than Sex Cake. It was very good though.

With the smoothness of Edyta's legs from Dancing With the Stars, Oops! I mean, with the smoothness of Edyta's Abs, Ummm, oh heck, I was going to try and smoothly segue into my story of the week. It's too late for smoothness. So, I'll just start.

The past 2 weeks I've been in a School Days theme with my Fido and Bogus Apology stories. I'll continue in that theme this week. Flash back to my 6th Grade year. We had just finished taking a Test, Geography if I am not mistaken. Pretty much the entire class failed the Test, except me. I don't remember if I aced it, but I did get an "A" on it. All exasperated, Pissed Off and just plain ole at the end of her wits, the teacher just up and went, "Tony, Simon, Carlos … get your papers and go to the office." Now, it didn't take Mr. Spock's legendary All Galaxy logic to figure out why Tony & Simon were being sent to the office. Their grades on the Test were I guess, closer to ZERO than to 100. But, in a labyrinth of perplexity, I found myself wondering why the Fugg I was getting sent to the office. Was I possibly being accused of cheating? Was this perhaps the prequel to the Fido Sorry Sack of Shi™ scandal … the FidoGate prequel? It was such an awkward feeling. I didn't have experience being Sent to the Office. I believe that was my first time. I naturally had this look on my face of, "What do I say when I get to the office?" However, the teacher didn't elaborate. She just reiterated to all three of us, "C’mon! Get going!"

Tony, Simon and I journeyed over to - The Office. The Principal tells Tony & Simon, "Let me see your papers." The Principal proceeded to give Tony & Simon a lecture / Chewing Out. He clued them into how if they didn't start getting their act together and doing a lot better, they weren't going to pass to the 7th Grade. Now Assless, since they got their Asses chewed out, Tony & Simon were sent back to the classroom.

The Principal tells me, "Let me see that paper." Probably shaking a little bit as I had no idea where this was heading, I handed him my paper. The Principal goes, "Whose is this, Einstein?" I go, "Mines." Immediately, the Principal shoots, "WHAT?" Realizing my mistake, I quickly corrected myself, "Oh, I meant *mine*." The Principal goes, "Okay, much better." I still could not decipher from the Principal's demeanor what the deal was. I still had no clue why I was there in the office. Without a hint or a warning, without bringing me up to speed, the Principal suddenly point blank blurts out, "Do you want to be in the 7th Grade?" His question totally baffled me. Was I also about to be worked over up one side and down the other with the same Tony / Simon treatment? Was I somehow being accused of somehow NOT doing well in school, despite the "A" paper that I just handed the Principal? Anyway, I thought the Principal was asking me if I wanted to be in the 7th Grade at the end of the year. You know … in the natural course of things. So, I naturally replied, "Yes."

With me still being in the dark in that virtual game of Charades, the Principal abruptly gets up and goes, "Grab your paper. Let’s go!" Wondering whether there was some other place worse than the office to where we could be going, I go, "Where are we going?" The Principal nonchalantly replies, "To the 7th Grade." All naively, I go, "What for?" The Principal succinctly explains, "I asked you if you wanted to be in the 7th Grade and you said yes. So, that's where we're going … to put you in the 7th Grade." With a bit of a panic suddenly striking me, I go, "What do you mean? You mean like right now? As in I'll be in the 7th Grade starting right NOW? Just like that?" All matter-of-factly, the Principal replies, "Well, sure. What did you THINK I meant?" Probably starting to sweat a little and my legs conceivably starting to turn to Silly Putty, I stammered a bit, "I … I … I thought you meant at the end of the year." The Principal nitpicked, "Nope! I made myself clear and you said yes." With me being just a 6th Grader who got blindsided with a trick question, it wasn't like I had the wisdom to go, "No No NO! Now just one friggin' cotton-picking minute! You can't just up and stick me in the 7th Grade. We're gonna discuss this with no more trickery. Don't you think my parents should be involved in a decision as major as this? What do I know about whether I should or shouldn't be advanced to the 7th Grade right now with a simple scribble of a pen? I'm just a freakin' 6th Grader for Pete's Sake! What if I can't handle this Hocus Pocus prestidigitation into the 7th Grade?"

However, I didn't say any of that. I just followed the Principal, all petrified. We got to the 7th Grade classroom. I was introduced to the class. Most of the students somewhat knew me, albeit they weren't exactly expecting this … this Genius 6th Grader to be thrust upon them. Word had somehow spread because by the end of the school day, my older brother and older sister already knew. I however had to still get home and clumsily tell my parents, "Oh, by the way, I'm in the 7th Grade now." Remember that 70s TV Show, Different Strokes where little Gary Coleman's famous line was, "Whachu talkin' 'bout, Willis?" That was practically my parents' reaction. I had trepidation over whether I would be able to adapt and handle having been advanced like that. The only subject that initially gave me trouble was Math. It's not that I wasn't good at Math. I was good. I was just behind cuz they were already doing stuff I hadn't learned how to do yet. I eventually got up to speed and proved I more than belonged there.
So yes … 12 – 1 = The number of years I went to school.