Suntana's Blog Trek

As I was searching my extremely complex, state of the art, almost computer-like, elite memory banks for the Suntana adventure topic on which to Blog about last night, I finally settled on one. But, then I immediately started having Déjà vu. Had I already Blogged about this topic before? As per my Blog Post Count, I have 56 Posts in my 1 year and almost 3 months of Blogging on the Opera Community. Not exactly a staggering, intimidating number that rubs elbows with Giga and infinity, huh? Hey, but considering they're all solid, Texas-sized, original material, I think it's a solid number. It's solid enough to where it's hard to keep track of what I've Blogged about before. So, I had to verify that I hadn't Blogged about this topic already. I checked my Blog Archive and it doesn't appear I have already Blogged about this topic. I guess it's possible I may have alluded to the adventure in a Comment either on my Blog or on someone else's Blog. Be that as it may … Fugg the Déjà vu! I need to officially chronicle this adventure as a Post in my Blog.

Don't you just hate lines? Don't you just hate waiting? Be it at Walmart, McDonald's, a Movie Theater, a concert, the Driver's License Office, the Post Office or wherever … lines just bite! They Suck, right? What could possibly make lines worse? Slow people who aren't prepared to take care of business in said line. One of the most profusely offending perpetrators of this world class irritating annoyance are those people who wait until all their items at a store checkout register have been totaled and THEN … they decide that, "Oh yeah, I'm supposed to pay for this. I guess I'll pay with a Check. Now where is that checkbook? I know it's here somewhere." Then what seems like a year later, they finally find their checkbook. We all know what comes next. The Check doesn't write itself with the wave of a Magic Wand or by uttering the words, "Check … Simon sez write yourself, quickly!" No, we're NOT that lucky. The Line Holder Upper then proceeds to look for a pen. After another year elapses, the Fugger or Fuggette finally engages in writing the Check, with the blinding expediency of a turtle with a bad leg walking on ice … uphill!

It's interesting that I have this particular theme going with this Post and last night I encountered the quintessential example of being made to wait. I started this Post last night and really had intentions of finishing and releasing it last night, but somnolence hit me like a ton of bricks. I took a nap or two or three. By the time I knew it, it was Pumpkin Time. That is to say, it was time to officially go to bed before I turned into a pumpkin. So, I logged off and closed Opera. I logged off AOL. It was 11:55PM when I clicked on Windows' Shutdown Button. Ahhh! What's this? Crap! I was being informed that there were Windows Updates ready for install. Hmmm? Should I or shouldn't I? I did have the option of shutting down Windows without installing the Updates. I decided, "Ehhh, they have to be downloaded sometime anyway. It's probably 3 or so Updates. Installation should be done in 5 to 10 minutes." I gambled, threw the dice and clicked on the Button to go ahead and install the Windows Updates. It was then that I saw the results of my gamble. It was NOT 3 or so Updates. It was 13 Fugging Updates! Auuuggghhh!!!
Remember, I was supposed to be so sleepy that I was ready to crash. Now I had to WAIT! I hoped they were 13 small Updates. Well, they were assorted sizes. Yadi Yadi Yada … 40 minutes later at 12:35AM, the Updates were finally all installed and Windows shut down. Then I was so pissed off that I couldn't fall asleep immediately.

Anyway, y'all get the gist about lines and waiting in general. So, I'd better NOT keep y'all waiting any longer.

It was a cold, dark, windy evening sometime back in the late 90s I believe. I decided I needed to get some money from the ATM Machine. I went up to the Drive Thru ATM at my bank so as to avoid an extra fee for using any ole ATM that wasn't in my bank's network. Grrrrrrr! Wouldn't you know it? There was a line of vehicles at the Drive Thru. Fugg! The eye-rolling, annoyed sighing and cussing Colorful Metaphor-uttering of course started. Seemingly everyone in front of me wasn't prepared with what they needed and had no clue how to operate the ATM. There they were fumbling around, looking for whatever they needed. Then they were all lost and intimidated by the ATM panel, as if they were looking at the Instrument Panel in the cockpit of a 747 Jumbo Jet. I swear. I'll bet the Boeing company actually built an entire 747 Jumbo Jet in the period that I spent in line waiting my turn. Finally the last amateur, ATM-using-challenged idiot finished their transaction. It was finally MY turn … the seasoned veteran Pro ATM-using Expert Wizard Guru Master and conceivably World Record Holder for ATM transaction Speed!

As the vehicle in front of me pulled away, I literally said out loud --- Watch … and Learn!
I was about to show all those in back of me just how this ATM using business is done. I was going to get on that ATM Grand Stage and perform an ATM-using Tutoring Clinic, I tell ya! People in back of me were going to drool and hyperventilate over the amazement of the sheer speed and precision with which an ATM transaction could be accomplished. I'm talking, if you blinked, you might miss my transaction. I was that fast! I mean, my transaction was gonna be sooo impressive that after I was done, I was probably gonna have to pull over and sign autographs and have people take their pictures with me.

Without further ado and digression … Ladies & gentlemen, I present to y'all, the King … the Elvis of ATM Operation – Carlos Suntana! I pulled my GMC Jimmy SUV up to the ATM. I think immediately things started to unravel. I uncharacteristically pulled up in non-perfect distance from the ATM. I was a little bit too close. But, I was now on the clock and on the Grand Stage. There was no time to quibble over trivial things. As the Nike slogan says - Just Do It! There was an ATM Operation Tutoring Clinic to be conducted for the no doubt amateurs behind me. With my ATM Card already in hand as I pulled up, I immediately reached out to insert it into the slot on the 1st shot as I always used to. It was then that I immediately noticed just how COLD the evening was. My fingers were apparently nimbleness-challenged. Not only did I miss the slot, but I think I had the card backwards. Never fear. Don't panic. Never let them see you sweat. It was then that I noticed that my being all bundled up in my big, thick jacket started affecting my usual legendary maneuverability and proficiency. Instead of using my other hand to help turn the card around, I tried to be all Magician-like and turn it around with just my already somewhat numb from the cold fingers. A big gust of wind had the nerve to hit and Wooooosh! Just like that, my ATM Card had been whisked away from my fingers.

I quickly stuck my head out and looked down. I just barely managed to see my card down there. I thought, "I can still salvage this mission. No need to panic. A couple of seconds will be lost, but I can still get back on track just as soon as I get my card back." I opened my door and that's when I realized just how too close I was to the ATM. With that and my bundled up status, I definitely could NOT reach my card. Besides, that quickly became moot as another gust of wind now whisked my card completely under my vehicle. NOW I was officially Up a Shit Creek in a Boat with a Hole without a Paddle. The SuperStar ATM Operation Tutoring Clinic was now officially canceled. I now had a much higher priority.

I turned the engine off in my vehicle. And since I couldn't get out through the driver's door, I had to crawl over to the passenger side and exit on that side. How embarrassing! I then got down on the concrete and tried to reach for my card underneath my vehicle. Again, my big, thick jacket was a hindrance. The thought even crossed my mind, "The way things are going, I sure friggin' hope I don't get stuck under here." It was tough, but I eventually managed to just barely reach my card and squeezed myself back out from underneath my vehicle. I then got back into my vehicle, through the passenger side and crawled back over to the driver's side. I started the engine back up, put my vehicle in gear and got out of there. I wasn't about to try and fake nonchalance and pretend that fiasco didn't just happen.

I rushed out of there before any TV News helicopters and News Crews in Vans showed up to videotape the World Record Holder ATM Speed & Precision King embroiled in the Mother of all Fugg Ups. So … now y'all know what Impatience Plus Cockiness Equals.