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Today is Tuesday. My head is not spinning with work but Bing.
Last night, I did the stupidest thing in the world - I logged in a friend finder website when he was sitting right next to me. He doesn't speak English so I lied to him it was just a website for people who had the same interests. But he found out the website was for dating and making friends when I changed the page into a Chinese one by a wrong click on language button.
Then he went to bed. He started to talk. He said that I didn't care about how he felt. He said that he was so afraid of losing me. He said that he put all his heart into this relationship and hoped I did the same thing. Then I was aware that Bing's face was wet. He cried.
I hurt a man who loves me truly and I love so much. I hate myself. If I don't fix it, I will regret about it for the rest of my life. Now I'm thinking of how to make it up to Bing.

Bing changed.
He's not as sweet as before.
Sometimes he's rude.
Maybe he didn't change.
This is the real him.
He was just idealized by my imagination.
I didn't know he had not much patience.
He is not happy that I try to keep him in bed for couple more minutes when he wakes up in workdays.
But if I meet someone else and do the same thing to the next guy, I doubt if Bing will think that guy is a lucky dog.
I got bad tempers.
No one is perfect.
If he can't take it any more, then just go away.
I deserve to be with someone who knows how good I am and how to make me smile.
I don't regret breaking up with him over and over again.
If it's fate to be mine, it will be mine.

Last Sunday Bing and I had a serious talk on our future after supper. I asked him if he could give me the life that I wanted. He said he could not promise me anything, which made me disappointed. My mother once told me if a guy never gave promise to the girl he loved, he was not a good one to marry. Bing said the life I wanted was simple but it was hard to get.

"First we need to buy a house and save enough money for having a baby. So I have to work hard and seek chances to make big money. And I myself want to have my own business. I am lack of sense of security when I am lack of money...You'd better have a double thought to figure out if I am your best choice...I'm not sure what my future will be like and I don't want you to regret...I wish I could give the life that you want. It's very difficult...Maybe it's impossible." he said. Hearing of this dispiriting words, I suddenly saw no future for us. Tears dropped down from my eyes like the falling pearls from a broken necklace. I murmured "Yea. You are right. It's impossible." "What?" he didn't believe what he just heard. "I think it's impossible for us to have a future." I repeated. Bing tried to be cool. He asked "So when will you officially end this relationship? Don't worry about me. I'm a man. I can get over it easily." Finally I knew the fact that we could not be together no matter how much we loved each other. Everything seemed didn't really matter to me. So I answered Bing "It's up to you." Bing didn't say anything then. I broke the silence "Well, I'm having an important meeting tomorrow. I think I should go do some preparation." Bing put his arms around me and didn't let go when I was about to go to the bedroom. I kissed his forehead and got rid of his arms. Then I went into the bedroom.

I thought working would make me calm for a while. But when I was searching some information about the project on the internet, I could not focus on my work. At the moment, someone sent me an SMS on the mobile. It was the doctor who had kept bugging me since the day I met him. He texted me and called me everyday though I didn't text back nor answer his calls. He got some luck today because he texted me just at the right time that I was just hurt by the man I loved. It didn't seem I had much choice. So I texted him back.

An hour later, Bing came to my bedroom. He gave me a blanket and told me we'd better sleep in different rooms. I said no. Bing would move out soon and I cherished every second that I was going to spent with him. I wanted to hold him in my arms and feel his breath once again. But Bing insisted that we could not sleep in the same bed. Then I took the blanket and went to have a shower. When I finished the shower, I saw Bing using my laptop in my bedroom. I asked him it was late at night, why he didn't go to sleep. He said he wanted to spend some more time with me. I smiled and ran my fingers through his hair. He said maybe it was the best ending for both of us.

After Bing went to the other bedroom, I tried hard to fall asleep. But Bing occupied my thought. My mind could not stop thinking about him. "What is he doing in that room? Does he fall asleep? Or is he still up? What should I do when I see him tomorrow? Should I have supper with him or should I just go have a girl night tomorrow? What is he doing right now? It's so warm here in bed. But why the pillow is all wet? Is it blood of my bleeding heart? No wonder my heart aches so much. It's okay coz we are over. Let it bleed. Maybe I will feel better when the sun comes up. I will get married some day. It's not a big deal, right? It's just the one who says I do will not be Bing. It's just the one watches TV with me will not be Bing. It's just the one sleeps next to me will not be Bing. Oh, God! I love him! Are we really over? I'm over. Just let me lie in blood and never wake up."

At the moment when I felt like I was falling apart, Bing knocked on the door. I jumped up and rushed to the door within a second and I forgot to dry my tears when I opened the door. Bing said calmly like nothing had ever happened "It's so cold tonight. I cannot fall asleep." Hearing this, I wrapped my arms around him with all my strength. Tears burst out of my eyes again. He held me tight. Then he lifted me up to his bedroom, took a blanket to cover up both of us, lifted me up again to my bedroom and put me on the bed.
B: Are you trying to kill me? Or do you want to see me become a monk for the rest of my life?
I: No, honey. But I don't have any choice.
B: Yes, you do. We can solve the problems together.
I: The things we want are so different. You know I'll always need time from my husband and I don't wanna be in the way when you work so hard to achieve your ambition.
B: A man works hard just for his woman. If I lose you, everything will be so meaningless to me. You are the most important one to me, you know that?
I: I didn't know that.
B: What do you think I spend 3 hours on the bus everyday go to work and come back home for? I do it just for you. I want to be with you everyday. Do you want to look for someone better than me?
I: No. True love just comes once in a lifetime.
B: If you leave me, my life will be over. I really wanted to stab you with a knife just now coz you hurt me so much. I wanted to let you know how painful I felt. And my head aches.
I: I didn't know I meant so much to you. I'm so sorry, honey. I never wanted to hurt you. My heart aches, too. But now I think I feel better.
B: Don't do this to me again. It's killing me.
I: I won't, honey, never. I promise.

I had been back to my hometown for 4 days to attend 2 weddings of my friends'. My social calendar had been full since the first day when I got home. On the third day, Bing couldn't bear it any more and sent me SMS, telling me that he missed me and he felt very lonely for I didn't even have time to chat him online. So the next evening, I went online when I came back from a wedding.

11:00PM
I:
B:
B: It's so cold here. Are you coming back tomorrow?
I: Yes. You know what, the 2 weddings impressed me very much. They both let me know that marriage is an important thing for a lifetime. One should marry someone who is the most important to him/her.
B: I think it's too late for you to think about that. Lol. Just kidding.
I: And once get married, the 2 should not leave each other no matter what. My mother told me she noticed you had a scar beside your right brow and that was a remarriage sign. (My mom has learned about telling fortune according to one's facial features.)
B: Wow! Your mother knows everything. I did get divorced once. Did she tell you if I would get rich?
I: No. She didn't tell me anything else.
B: So is it wrong or right for us to be together?
I: There's nothing wrong or right, but reason. Everything happens for a reason.
B: I'm kinda lost. I don't know what's waiting for me in the future.
I: Either happiness or adversity is waiting for you. Once you know what you really want, you won't feel lost any more.
B: Are you talking about us? But now I'm talking about my career.
I: I'm talking about what you just said "I'm kinda lost".
B: I know what I want and I know what I should do. But sometimes it's just too hard to get what you want.
I: Succeed or not is not that important, but to enjoy what you are doing is.
B: Maybe. But who doesn't want to be successful? I don't want to be Mr. Accomplish Nothing. You talk like an experienced old man today, by the way.
I: Hey, I got a wise mind and you know that. I could tell you are really something after I got to know you. I'm sure you will be successful some day because you are a brave fighter and have a mind as wise as mine. You can make your dream come true sooner or later.
B: I think so, too. Lol.
I: But I must say sorry. Because I knew you got a big desire of building up your own business when I said yes to you to be my boyfriend. But for this, I don't think I'm the right one to be with you on your road to get success. As you know, what I want is quite different. I just want an ordinary life that I can see my husband come back home on time after work and have dinner together, and I can have a pleasant family weekend with my husband and kids.
B: You mean you wanna leave me now?
I: No, I'm not leaving you, but setting you free. You need a woman who is more independent, who can keep the house clean and tidy even when you go for a long business trip, not someone like me that always want to lock you home to spend time with.
B: So I need a housekeeper? Lol.
I: I hope you can have a double thought about our relationship. I don't want to yell at your face some day "ME OR YOUR BUSINESS, CHOOSE!" when I'm flipping out.
B: I don't need to think about that. I didn't have such a strong feeling for any other women before like I have for you. I just want you. How about you dump me now and let me show you my heart the rest of my life?
I: Don't be so childish. Like I said, marriage is an important thing for a lifetime. One should marry someone who is the most important to him/her. However, how many people can be lucky enough to marry the one they love the most? Marriage is a lifetime thing. Please don't make any quick decision.
B: I've made my choice and I will never regret it.
I: I think I need to have a shower and hit my bed. Good night.
B: Okay. Good night. Sweet dreams.

I had stealthily let Bing stay in my apartment for 2 months till my mother came visit the day before yesterday, which made me feel guilty. I don't want to do anything bad behind my parents' back. So I decided to ask Bing to stay over when my mother was here. If my mother allowed him to stay, I would feel guiltless.

So the first day when my mother was here, I told Bing that I wanted him to stay over. He didn't agree at the very beginning but after I played the clingy girlfriend card, he compromised. My plan was to let him talk to my mother face to face and ask her if he could stay one night. But it seemed Bing didn't have much guts. He just went straight to the guest room and stretched himself on a bed on which had no blanket. It was a cold winter night and the cold current was coming. I knew my mother would give him a blanket once she found out Bing slept here. So I went to take a shower before I hit my bed. My mom saw Bing sleeping in the guest room and she brought him a blanket as I thought.

The next day, Bing and I had a date. I insisted him to stay one more night in my apartment since my plan was not fulfilled. The cold current had arrived that day. I told Bing it was a good chance to ask my mom for her allowance to let him stay over by asking her for another blanket to keep warm. But he didn't by my idea. He wanted me to ask her instead. I knew if I asked my mom for a blanket, my mom would definitely tell me not let Bing stay over here when I was alone at home. Then I would give my promise to her I certainly wouldn't do that. So I talked to Bing. I told him how guilty I felt when I let him live with me behind my parents' back and I told him if he didn't make the first step, we could not live together until we got married. He agreed. He said if I got a blanket from my mom, he would move out. Promise is promise. I got a blanket for him and my mom asked me not to let him stay here when I lived alone as I thought.

He has to move out.