Beyond the Clouds

It's back again. I tried very hard to get it back last year but the keys didn't work. It was always me who went out there and came back empty handed. I was determined to get it back - it was mine afterall. There was a time when I knew it inside out. I knew what to push to get it going, I didn't need a key back then. I would sneak in and remove the screw and slide inside an even smaller passage way where it would be sitting, very still and very small, and I knew exactly what to do to turn it on. That was enough for me at the time. I was so pleased and proud that I could do that and everyone saw how different I was afterward.

The first time I tried and failed was something else. I had disbelief running through my veins but also hope that the next time would be different in my bones. Had I tried too hard? Or maybe I didn't try hard enough? I spent so much time trying to figure out how to get it back. I would even wake up in the middle of the night to see if things might have been different in the dark. A whole year went by with me feeling like I was making progress, I had so much hope, so many wonderful dreams about how different things would be again while the bloody truth coarsed through my heart.

It was a year spent in vain.

And now it's back and I'm not even sure if I want it anymore.