Another shopping spree at Carlingwood Mall in Ottawa's West end and a slight bra incident...
I had bought myself a nice lacy little black bra, that I thought gave the girls a wee bit more perkiness, this was my first time wearing it.
What could possibly go wrong!
Everything was fine- Mugs and I headed to the food court first where we grabbed some grub and a couple of watered down semi refreshments of the soda variety. Then we did our rounds to the stores we regularly frequent....
I spotted a winter coat I liked in one of the stores and removed my sweater to try on the coat.
I looked down when Mugs snickered and :gasp: LOPSIDEDNESS!!
I had an escapee!!
I burst out laughing and trying to straighten things out, but Jessie wasn't willing to be harnessed!
I put the sweater back on, we headed to the cash and bought the coat,and then I went into the ladies room, scalded Jessie, removed the bra, and informed the other ladies that bras are for chumps.
A distraught mother went to see her local priest one afternoon. She informed the priest of the behavior of her two boys, telling him she was unable to manage the boys.
The priest agreed to speak to the children about their behavior and told the mother to send them by individually after school.
Johny the youngest, was the first to go see the priest.
The priest asked Johny "Where is God?" Johny did not reply. In a louder voice the priest again asked "Where is God?" Johny visibly frightened did not respond. The priest asked again, clearly upset and in a booming voice "WHERE IS GOD?"
Johny took off and ran all the way back home terrified and hid in his bedroom closet.
Timmy knowing he was next to see the priest, went to his coweing brother and asked why he was so frightened.
Johny looked up at Timmy and said- We've really done it this time Timmy! God is missing, AND THEY THINK WE DID IT!
I remember being frightened by my fathers snoring. I was maybe four years old, and I had visions of giant dinosaurs stomping down the short second floor hallway to my bedroom.
Of course the dinosaurs had already gobbled up the rest of my family and I was all alone. I couldn't even hide under my bed because the boogeyman and his evil side-kick, the sandman resided there.
Thou shall not submit innocent bystanders to thine conversations.
Thou shall never under any circumstances use La Coucaracha as thine ring tone.
Thou shall never use thy cell phone while driving thine vehicle. Seriously folks that stupidity has got to stop.
Never speak louder on thy cell phone than thy would any other phone.
Never slam thine cell on a public table.
Learn how to use thine cell phones vibrate feature for something other than thine sexual gratification. (I don't wanna know...but I Googled it so I do know..BLECH!)
Thou shall not covet thy neighbors cell phone.
Thou shall not worship thy cell phone provider.
Thine voice mail need not reveal thine life story. Be considerate and keep thine greeting short.
Since I don't have anything insightful to blog about tonight, I thought I might share one of my most embarasing moments with you.
* I frequently take the bus to get to Mug's place and the bus I take is always packed.
This particular day was no different. I had to stand the entire journey (roughly 45 minutes) as the seats were all occupied. I noticed several people staring at my hiney, I didn't think much of it and got off the bus and walked the short walk to Mug's place.
I walked in and said hello...and Mugs responded by telling me I might want to change my pants. Turns out I had somehow managed to completly tear the ass out of my pants.. Now I understood the snickers! My ass was swaying in the wind and I hadn't even felt a breeze!
There's also the fact that clothing confuses me. I always mange to wear something inside out or backwards..or worse inside out and backwards..
I used to wear thongs..but I find them way to confusing and ussually end up wearing a leg hole around my waist..and the tiny bow that accents the front ussually ends up accenting my thigh...which is always laughable. Hey if ya can't laugh at yourself who can ya laugh at!
Fair is fair..fess up! I wanna know your most embarassing moment.
"The Air Poo is a toilet, with a built in iPod dock and a MacBook Air docking slot. It features integrated speakers, a heated seat for extra comfort and a multi touch flusher.
This device also doubles as a seat cushion and works by blowing "cool air onto your arse via the onboard fan." Product page here (Japanese). Jason Chen from Gizmodo notes one potential drawback: "The only downside I can see is if you let one go, the air cooler will blow it up right into your face!"
Copyright 2000 W. Bruce Cameron — Please do not remove the copyright from this essay
My son and Santa Claus have been pen pals every Christmas since he first learned to write. Traditionally, letters to Saint Nick are stuffed in the stockings hanging over the wood stove we call our "fireplace," and are answered via the same mysterious process that allows the jolly old elf to descend down a six-inch stove pipe every Christmas Eve.
Here is this year’s exchange:
Dear Santa:
For Christmas this year I would like a guinea pig. I have other stuff I want, but I wanted to get the guinea-pig request in early.
Signed, the Best Boy in the World
Dear Best Boy:
You are not getting a guinea pig. Are you forgetting what happened to the goldfish you had, and also to the mice you were given for your birthday? Please ask for something reasonable, like a new rake to help your father in the yard. That request I can fill immediately.
Dear Santa:
Well the directions never said you can't take goldfish into the bathtub with you so how was I supposed to know? And the thing with the mice was not my fault, it was the cat's fault.
I also want a go-cart.
Dear Pet Boy:
Surely you knew that sitting on the fish would not be good for them. And I hardly think the cat can be blamed for its instinctive pursuit of the mice once you left the cage door open. I'm sorry, but you may have no more rodents, and that's final.
Regarding your new request: You have already demonstrated an unnerving tendency to succumb to the gravitational pull of the earth, hurling yourself headfirst off of your bicycle and your skate board. A go-cart would merely accelerate this process. How about instead of a go-cart you get a wheelbarrow to help haul the leaves you'll be raking.
Dear so-called Santa:
A guinea pig is not a rodent, it is a member of the pork family.
How about you get me a little trailer for my go-cart and I'll haul leaves in that.
Plus I also want a drum set.
Oh, and I think you should know, my dad is not using the exercise bike you got him last Christmas. I guess it goes against his instinctive pursuit of getting fat.
Dear Drummer Boy:
No pigs of any kind, including those related to rats. No catapulting yourself headfirst from a go-cart into the emergency room. No banging on drums, or doing anything to create any noise except the sounds of yard work.
And your father is planning on starting his exercise program just as soon as his schedule settles down.
Dear Saint Nick Picker:
Well excuse me for thinking that Christmas was for something besides better homes and gardens.
If I can't have a go-cart, I want a snowmobile.
Oh, and I think you'd better take another look at my dad: All he has on his schedule is watching TV and drinking beer. If he settles down any more, he's going to slide off of his chair and onto the floor. The only way to tell that he's still alive is by his belches.
Dear Incorrect Boy:
Your father works hard and occasionally takes in a game on TV to relax. There is nothing wrong with this.
And a snowmobile? Are you crazy? Not only are they dangerous, do you have any idea how much a snowmobile costs? Please pick something affordable.
Dear Santa Flaws:
Well why do you care what it costs? I thought you had a bunch of dwarfs working for you who built everything in your workshop.
If I can't have a guinea pig I want a monkey.
Dear Boy:
A monkey? You cannot have a monkey.
Dear Chris Crumple:
I'm the only kid in my school without a pet.
But Son,
I refuse to believe anybody in your school has a monkey. It is illegal.
The scoring actually works very simply: Make her happy, you get points. Make her unhappy, you lose points. Do something she likes, SCORE. Do something she doesn’t like, lose points. Unfortunately, you don’t get any points for doing nice things that she expects you to do. Because of this, some risky point chasers have found that if they STOP doing things that earn points temporarily, it can increase the point value of things that were previously taken for granted.
Buy her flowers every week, within a year, you don’t get points for that, but you actually lose points if you skip a week. However, if you seldom buy her flowers, they serve as a quick point booster. particularly if you are planning anythying that could create a point deficit.
The difficulty can come in trying to discern what will gain points and what will lose points. She is a complicated mystery. As are her hormones.
Here is a guys guide to the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
* You make the bed…..+1 * You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows…..0 * You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets…..-1
* You leave the toilet seat up…..-5 * You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty…..0 * When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex…..-1 * When the Kleenex runs out you use the nex t bathroom…. ; -2 * You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings…..+5 * In the snow …..+8 * But return with beer…..-5 * And no liners…..-25
* You check out a suspicious noise at night…..0 * You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing…..0 * You check out a suspicious noise and it is something…..+5 * You pummel it with a six iron…..+10 * It’s her cat…..-40
HER BIRTHDAY
* You remember her birthday…..0 * You buy a card and flowers…..0 * You take her out to dinner…..0 * You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar…..+1 * Okay, it is a sports bar…..-2 * And it’s all-you-can-eat night…..-3 * It’s a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and you r face is painted the colors of your favorite team ¦.-10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
* Go with a pal…..0 * The pal is happily married…..+1 * The pal is single…..-7 * He drives a Ferrari…..-10 * With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED)…..-15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
* You take her to a movie…..+2 * You take her to a movie she likes…..+4 * You take her to a movie you hate…..+6 * You take her to a movie you like…..-2 * It’s called Death Cop III…..-3 * Which features Cyborgs that crush human skulls…..-9 * You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans…..-15
YOUR PHYSIQUE
* You develop a noticeable pot belly…..-15 * You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it…..+10 * You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts…..-30 * You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.”…..-800
THE BIG QUESTION
* She asks, “Do these jeans make me look fat?” * You hesitate in responding…..-10 * You reply, “Where?”…..-35 * You reply, “No, I think it’s your ass”…..-100 * Any other response…..-20 * You reply, “No hun those jeans are doing all they can to hold that in there!”…..-3500
COMMUNICATION
* When she wants to talk about a problem: * You listen, displaying a concerned expression…..0 * You listen, for over 30 minutes…..+5 * You relate to her problem and share a similar experience…..+50 * Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying, “…well, what do you think I should do?”…..-100 * You have fallen asleep…..-200
IT’S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
* You talk…..-100 * You don’t talk…..-150 * You spend time with her……-200 * You don’t spend time with her…..-500 * You seem to be enjoying yourself..-1000
GAME OVER. YOU LOSE.
I found this online, and laughed, hope you do too!
1. When presented with the ideal cheating scenario--that is, if a flying saucer lands in the cornfield where you happen to be standing and a female alien of sinus-clearing hotness slithers down the ramp and declares that she wants to come in peace a minimum of four times in the next hour, and you take her up on it because you know no one will ever find out--no one must ever find out.
2. Someone will always find out.
3. If you get caught, the law is on your wife's side. And you won't lose just half of your stuff. The other half--the golf clubs, the surround sound, the Armani--will be destroyed in a spectacular driveway bonfire as every angry woman you know toasts marshmallows shaped like your testicles.
4. And if you're not married? Your longtime girl is bound by no law
5. Yes, traveling for business is lonely. Phone home for a bicoastal quickie.
6. Or, to paraphrase Neil Simon, do to yourself what you would otherwise do unto others.
7. If a woman who knows you're spoken for comes on to you, it's flattering. It's tempting. But remember that she's doing it to feed her own ego, not yours. She wants to see how much power she holds over you. And if you take her bait, she then knows she must be superior in every way to your sweetie. Deep down, she has nothing but contempt for both male weakness and your mate's existence. That should really piss you off.
8. According to the Shari'ah, the laws of ancient Islam, adulterers must be stoned to death. Before you say, "Dude, cool," we mean with rocks. In these parts, that's what will happen to your good name. Friends you made while you were a couple will disappear. Friends you had as a single guy are long gone. That leaves you with the hard drinkers.
9. You're about to be with the kind of woman who wants to be with the kind of man who would cheat on a woman.
10. Channel all temptation toward the girl you left at home. Example: When out for a night with the boys, go to Hooters, not a strip club or roadhouse. Hooters girls are the unsung heroines of relationship therapy--gorgeous, chatty, and so untouchable that you always go home hungry. Your gal has no idea her sex life will improve tenfold when you get there.
11. At the office party, pretend the coworker who's flirting with you has gonorrhea.
12. "I'm famous for all the wrong reasons." - J. Buttafuoco
13. If your ex calls, enjoy a pleasant 5-minute conversation. Then tell her your wife's on the other line.
14. Treat your temptation as a cage match. Defeating that treacherous organ between your legs is the ultimate triumph of man over nature. It's you versus your penis. He's up for the challenge. Are you?
Now I gotta find the female rules to not cheating..It's not only the guys who do it after all. Women can be just as guilty.
(34%)
WIDGETIZE