Ranting in the dark

This is probably the third attempt to post this. I don't really remember.

Erratic, chaotic, volatile, ephermal. Cute little words, for a very very peculiar state of mind. How is it possible that the slightest thing could trigger a change in your state of mind, so abrupt, so dominant that you can manage to confuse yourself? With the attention span of a goldfish. What is the point of thinking, when the number of topics your mind can jump to is excruciatingly big? This sudden topic-hopping can be so demanding and exhausting that in the end all you want to do is pass out. But you can't, of course. Otherwise there woudn't be a point of writing it. It'd be too easy.

Those quite explosive reactions can become qute cruel sometimes - playing mind-tricks of unbelievable proportions. Mind-tricks that just escalate and result in yet another violent mental outbreak. Up till the point where the only thing you would really like to do is have a drink, to slow the process down. To smoothen up the curves a little bit - get rid of the sharp changes, of the rapid streams of thought, that are drowning you.

The greatest joy in this misbegotten state of mind is when you're so tired, so mentally exhausted, so sleepy, that voluntary control over your own chain of thoughts gives in and you're left with a floating mind. A very sharp and rapid mind yet, mind that. But it just appears like somehting that you don't directly control. The weird state of mind where everything is very very curious, calm and for some reason - safe. Where the events happening around you are registered by you, on some level, but what you do there has no connection with what you usually assume as your own direct thought of control - the one that conciously decides to take certain action, to give a certain response. It can be as fascinating as listening to what you're saying with amusement, as if you don't exactly recognize wanting to say that, but you like it.

It is funny because it is something that will narrow yor mind, something that will pick a line of thought and work on it. Something that will not explode at the slightest shock, making you try to collect the pieces back together. You really don't care why, but the brain takes focus on something that matters and blurs the rest into a slightly ignorant oblivion. Smoothened senses, a feeling of greater control, precision - as if you haven't seen what your body is capable of.

And to keep going you need fun stimuli - some melting-your-brain music, cranked up nicely, or some fun people around that are as much amused with yourself as you are. Don't stop moving. Don't stop enjoying. Don't forget to explore that autonomous state of mind - the chain of thoughts that you really meant to have, the solution that you were looking for. The focus that you lacked, the spontaneous reactions, that are for some reason always correct.

Because your stable mind is hiding its workings and decisions behind an externaly imposed wall. The needless assumption that everything you do is supposed to be thought trough. That logical thought will be always more acceptable than intuition, than the spur-of-the-moment decision. Than your artificailly supressed opnions and desires. How wrong could you go if you really thought and did everything you meant? How bad could it get if you really dropped that external filter, this illusion of control, superimposed on the real workings of your mind? Would it really be worse, if you had that freedom, that ease, that flow of real, energetic, thoughts, inspiring and uplifting you?

You are what you are - a person with ideas, desires, flaws and most amazing and unique mind. So ... do you want to keep hiding? It never lasts, you know....