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Ranting in the dark

A truly awesome view on human stupidity

Posts tagged with "emotion"

Wipeout

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Do you know this feeling of anticipation, when you hear the beginning of a great set of music and you just know that it will be devastating, it'll be extreme? You can just ... sense it.

There is this faint tingle in the air, playing with your senses. A chill crawls up your spine, buzzes through your nerves, makes you shake a little. Your eyes widen, your sight becomes glazed and disconnected. You look concentrated and determined.

You take a sip and make smalltalk, you just know that soon it wouldn't matter anymore. The music starts building up, but it's all still an anticipation. A feeling that at some point in the future you can go wild, you can lose it all and dive in this .. dark, tangled mass of people, that for now seems still, a monolithic, inpenetrable wall of humans.

Beat, the beat comes and slowly your body starts responding like you don't know what to do just yet. You keep the contact but your eyes start seeking. Seeking hints of activity. Your sound perception sharpens, as you concentrate on the melody. It gives you the feeling, the mood, the movement. The initial inspiration.

Bounce, baby, bounce - that gorgeous one in front of you gives out moves like she intends to start wars. You don't care, the moves are just only beggnng to show what's about to come later.

Punchy music kicks in and the bodies start rockng back and forth. The melody engulfs the crowd slowly and you find yourself in a sea of smilng, dancing, sweating people. Beats per minute, both music-wise and heart-wise accelerate. They sync and mess up your body and your mind. You start being one integral piece of the music, moving with it, living with it. The same pace, the same emotion, the same rythm.

Jump goes the dancefloor - one, two, ten tracks in a row pick up the speed, the mood, the punch of it all, lift you up and slowly eradicate the lingering threads of rational thought, creeping in the back of your mind.

And then you explode. You are all over the place along with your peers. Jumping madly, laughing, sweating, smiling. Boom - a flash of light, a punch of bass - your body jumps in unpredictable ways. Choreography is all about nature now, it happens on its own.

And then comes the moment of serenity. A little bit of a breather, a pause. Time to collect the victims and reinforce the ones still moving. Come on, breathe with me... Stop, take a sip of water and relax.

But I know. I know what's in your minds.

The pause gets sick. Heavy, overwhelming. It slows down and turns dark. Oddly melodic. Relaxing, without providing relief. Your mind starts to slow down and your pulse calms. You think - about bloody time. But there's a dark voice in the back your your head, a sick feeling that this is not going so well. The music starts pushing you down.

Down, down, down, the heavy lines crush any small remaints of sanity in your head, they reduce your body to an almost immobile wreck, seemingly relaxed, but oddly tensed up from the inside. Slowly, you realize that you're losing it all. Your sight wanders, your thoughts just ... vanish. You let go and dive in.

Observation of what's around comes like a gift. The realisation that this is so awesome that you can see the goosebumps on other people's hands just makes you feel even better. Your dancing skills are reduced to moving slowly and making funny faces but you don't give a damn.

And then, beat by beat, it gets rougher. Mixed upon a trippy melody, a dark bassline comes in. The vocal lifts you from the ground and leaves you floating, without support for what is about to come. The dark music pushes you down and down and down, and down.

And when you're ready to flip out, the beat raises from the back of the tune. The dark, sickening melody takes form. And it takes the form of a sledgehammer ready to smash you on the head.

You gotta get get. Boom! The next beat is the one that shatters your connection with reality. The one that looses it all - thoughts, concerns, precautions. Anything and everyting. Your pressed down, desperate mind escapes into the bliss by doing the only thing it's left to do. It stops. Rational thought is erradicated, everything is suppressed. At this point you get music that is so fast, so inspiring, so dark, so wicked, so engaging that there is nothing left.

A complete wipeout. There's the music, you and a crowd of disconnected people left. And nothing else.

This is when you become disconnected. This is when you assemble the pieces of the puzzle a few hours afterwards. This is when you wake up late and you realize you feel like someone took you apart, piece by piece, and when it all ended, they didn't nearly make it to put you back together.

This is when your mind is clean, your spirit high, your concerns gone, your love infinite, your friendship unlimited, your joy unextinguishable, your spirit high, your body painless....

Everything you are is everyting you wanted to be, everyhting you did was everything you wanted to do and if hell came down to earth right fucking then, you'd say ..."Meh, fuck it, I had a good time"

"Sucker punch motherfucker. Haaa-hahahahahahahaahah"

Wake UP! COFFEE!

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It was the highlight of the summer. Being waken up early in the morning, by crazy, screaming strangers. You would think it couldn't happen to you every day for weeks and weeks in a row. And then it does and you realize you're so drunk still that you can't crawl out of god-damned tent/bed/gutter to take a piss. But it won't go away, so what do you do - you foolishly stumble out, look at the world as if you can disintegrate anything just by looking at it. And you keep going.

Coffee, or beer, or whatever really, just don't forget to hydrate and it'll all be cool, right? And then there's another poor, unfortunate soul who, just like you, has arisen with a gravely look on its face. Boom! You give them the coffee and there it is - instant happiness. Or should I call it properly - instant craziness. Because no normal person keeps going on like that day after day, powering himself from the inexhaustable power supply that only kids have. Always running, constantly smiling, ever-curious, a perpetum mobile of fun and seeming madness.

And you can't stop laughing, even for a second or you'll pass out and it'll all end in the usual boring way - sleeping, while you should have been screaming. It's said that one minute of healthy laughter is enough to compensate for one hour of sleep. If that is the case, I am not going to be sleeping like a human being any time soon now. You know you've had fun when you actually see the muscules involved in laughing to tighten over time and your belly looks like you've been punching it for weeks, so it's always tense.

And you can't do that alone, of course, because then there's a real chance of you just ending up with only the voices in your head. And of course, they're all idiots or at the very best - comedians. And if you've got one more, you can share the load, or together be both at the same time. And then people wish you the best wish ever - to remain so crazy happy and smiley forever. And you know it's true, it's addictive and infectious, you make everyone else smile along and you make their day. And you are the tinders, the fucking firestarters even - you set the bars and dancefloors ablaze, people moving, jumping, dancing, screaming. And they laugh and they cry, while you sit there in the blazing fury you've made out of your world, like avatars of everything that is good and out of control, combined together into your unstoppable entities. And then then it all ends, you exhale, exhale, exhale, thinking - oh my god, what on earth did we just go on and do, again. And you think you've earned some rest.

But no. Wake UP! COFFEE!

Never

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Never say never.

Fuck this shit. I solemnly vow:

To never brood again. To have life as it is. To have defeat as a fucking digestive, bitter but yet refreshing. Clearing your mind and bringing you down to earth. Flying high is a tough drop, is it not?

To never be gloomy again, for I am not an emo freak.

To never have to suck it up again, for I am not one that ignores reality.

To enjoy, lo live, to shape a reality of my own. To control, twist, enlighten, support, degrade, help, screw over, embezzle, to model the world of my liking. To cancel, crush, force, ask, demand, gain and stabilize - my life. Out of it, out of the crowd around, out of the masses. Out of the weak and out of the strong alike.

They keep telling me war is the answer
It's a disease of the spirit
It's more than just cancer
It runs through the blood deeply
These cowards are sneaky
They try 'n keep me quiet from starting a riot
I try to be silent
The solution is violence
Couldn't see it any other way
Bust a shot, one time for my run-away

Going in the real, old, deep jungle. /away

Never!

How cool is it to ...

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Live for the day. That day you always wanted. That day that rocks your world, that day that the smile never goes down from your face.

Go out. Out with the people you have as friends, the good ones, the ones you care about.

To smile, to have fun. To see the better side of life and live for it, while it's there. To have the joy, the freedom, the exitement. To have the chemistry (your own, you junkies) rushing through you, have the body and the mind take you to the place you want to be.

To listen, to enjoy. The music, the one that makes you go wild, the one that uplifts you. The one that resonates within you and drives that hidden engine of entertainment. The one that makes you live.

To live, to roam, to see, to be the city that you live in. The one full with all those strange people. The one full with all those cool people. The one where you can go out any day and know where you'd be at home. The one that fills up your current "home".

To meet, to love, to enjoy the people around you. To feel and enjoy the crazy diversity around, without spite, without bitter sarcasm. To have fun.

To laugh, and be laughed at. To smile and create smiles. To see humour appreciated and to be able to appreciate humor. To live a life of joy.

To know - all that, and to see what you have, in spite of it being temporary, a passing moment, a year, a day, even a second. And to love it till the end.

To go home in the middle of the night, while it's light outside. To see the sun rising slowly at 3AM and to smile and enjoy.

To listen to the best of music all night and still be able to enjoy even more, while at home. To know what you're looking for and to have it power you up. (Right now that's Miika Kuisma, with Intelligent Design, again, in the middle of the night, and - oh man - is he right at the spot as always).

To see and to believe. To live and to forget. To sieze and to let go.

To be what you want to be. To know what you want to know. To control everything that deserves to be controlled but at the same time go with the flow.

To have life, as it should be.

How awesome is it?

Addicts

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Drugs, pills, nicotine, alcohol, sex, company, people, parties, music, food, sports, fantasy, love, attention, life. Deny it all you want - you're an addict. It's not the question of whether you are or not, the question is at which level. Whether the amount and/or nature of your adictions still fits in the socially acceptable threshold or not.

I know for myself that I have failed. I crave, I seek and I find, use and abuse at least half of the matter listed in the above passage. I might be fitting nicely into the social maximums of emotional stimulants, at least for most of the people. Not for some, but I can't please everyone now, can I?

You woudn't believe me here initially, but just think about how much I've said about music in my limited amounts of posts. I'm a music junkee, I seek to find power for emotions within music and I'm doing pretty good at that. There's music all around me for most of the time and it's not hard to find anything you're looking for in my collection. I'm just telling you how easy it is to understand how hooked up you are, how dependent on external stimuli. And how you'd have severe withdraws from some, if you think about it. Don't exactly expect me to fill you in on the rest though, some things I keep for myself.

Giving an excuse to a junkee is stupid because of that. Because everyone of us is, just in a slightly different way. One that's deemed acceptable, because there's certain processes and emotions that don't function on their own. They're always based on the perception we have of the surrounding environment, whether physical or mental, on the effect it has on us, on purely low-level phisiological level. It's not much different. Whether triggered by a touch, a sound or a pill, the mental end-result is often the same. We're all looking for the same product here, it's just the packaging that's different.

Give me MORE !!!



Your memory's gone and so is your life, Mota boy
But losing out just never felt so right

Your enemy's you and so is your life, Mota boy
But losing out might feel okay all night

November 2009
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