TheLoneRead - Eh, Life is what it is.

Life

Tuesday, 2. June 2009, 04:24:53

I have trouble sleeping. And as much as I complain about things, and as pathetic as I feel and make myself sound-- I should be in a psyche ward. Yikes. But anyway...

I can't sleep. Sometimes I can, and I should be able to tonight being that I feel so exhausted. But I'll lay here thinking about a million different things from my little brother to school to my future and things I regret from my past. Then I realize I'm not sleeping and try to start doing things to fall asleep. In the past I would count numbers like they have you do when they put you under for surgery. I would pray. Pray for all my problems, concerns and worries to go away and pray that Id fall asleep. Sometimes things were so hard to think about I would just pray the Hail Mary or Our Father over and over again. Now I do breathing exercises. Towards the end of school I did them all the time, but now I do them only every once in a while.

I'm exhausted. I'm depressed. Ha. I went and saw a therapist... Or, counselor, as they like to call it. It helped, but she liked to talk. haha. She didn't let me talk nearly as much as I needed to. And I'd leave feeling a lot better about myself, but later that night I'd fall apart again. And then I thought it was anxiety. I don't really know the difference between the two things, I guess they go hand in hand. But I worry way to much about things like the future.

Geez, there are so many things I need to get off my chest, talk about, but I don't have the energy to do it here and now. I don't have anyone to talk about it to, and so it'll just stay within me for now.

Be positive, Michaela.

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Monday, 1. June 2009, 04:23:28

Not that anyone reads this anyway. I'm okay with that. But I'll probably be posting on here every night-ish. I should, at least. Well, actually, I should probably be seeing a therapist. Ha. But I've realized that even when I do that, I don't talk about what I'd like to. Its not like on TV, I can't just come out and say whats been on my mind lately. Nope. So, I have this thing. I'm so dreading going to work in the morning, and the classes I have starting tomorrow and the test I have to study for. Today was my birthday, and I felt like crying through most of it. It was fun, a good day, but... eh. This was the least excited I've been for a birthday in, well, 19 years.

I so badly long to be out of school. Like, for good. Although all through middle school and High school I longed to be in college.

Bad news. I hate college. I can't think of a single thing I like about the place. Certainly not the weather, not the people, not my classes, or professors, not even the buildings or landscaping or... anything. Shit, if I dont even like the flowers, I have a problem.

I cried on my way home from the last day of classes. I cried on the phone to my mom minutes before going into my last final, my socks, shoes, feet and the bottom of my pants were wet because of the rain, I was up at 5 AM that day to study for my 7:30 final, I had one from 2-4, had to check out and then I Was on my way home. The check out was awful, I had to re-vacuum my room, apparently I'm not good enough at vacuuming and re-clean the windows and mirrors. Fuck Brian for making me do that. I was so exhausted and tired and in a horrible mood, I cried most of the way home. It was a horrible way to remember my last day of classes. I failed my math final, with only a 73 in the class. I should have had a D in it, I should be retaking it in the fall. Somehow, I got a straight 70 in the class. My teacher raised my grade. I ended up with a 3.0 for the semester. Somehow. I talked my SpEd teacher into raising my grade 6% to an A. HAH! I don't know how. Lucky me!

I still have 3 months of vacation and it doesnt seem like enough. I dread that place and going back to it.

I should get to bed. I have to be up way too early.

Fuck the real world.