My Opera
I kind of hope no one reads this but you.
Thursday, February 5, 2009 6:53:27 AM
My day is full of peaks and valleys. When I wake up, it is usually one of the lowest parts of my day, as well as going to sleep. Depending on what class I am in, I feel different, as well. For example, when I woke up this morning and found out I got a 66 on my first science test, I was pretty bummed out. And when I was in that class, it was pretty awful, too. But by the time I made it to fast paced math, I was ok.
Then I spend the rest of the day doing (or lack thereof) whatever I need to get done. Today I spent most of my day in the library. I didn't get well... anything done, to be honest. When I checked your outlook and realized that you had your interview at 2:30 I felt obligated to wish you good luck. I really did mean it, too. As much as it may not seem like it, I want you to be successful.
It's just like you said... my hardest part about succeeding is accepting failure, and accepting that it is a natural part of learning. And if I were to add to that, it would be accepting all of your success, too. I don't know that I've ever seen you fail. At anything.
I could be in a room full of the people that love me the most and still feel the same inside. Right now I have that feeling. Which is why right now I am writing. It litterly feels like something is missing in my heart. I am lonely. Not lonely in a sad pathetic sense, just lonely in a... I don't want to be here by myself kind of way. In a... I have a lot on my mind, and even though I can't ever express what it is, I wish someone were sitting next to me, or laying next to me so I wouldn't have to fall asleep by myself tonight.
There are 3 people, not including my family, that get me through. However, none of them I can really talk to about any of this and I don't know why. Its one of those things that I will mention here and there and all of them know about, but no one knows how much it is hurting and bothering me, and even I don't know why.
I guess I wish that I was friends with or had someone that could understand. I wish I didn't have to figure out how to explain a lot of things, that maybe I could just hold your hand and then you'd know everything that was going on inside of me.
If I had any super power, that would be it. Being able to feel what anyone else was feeling if only for a moment.
I don't want to go home this weekend. I don't know why, but I'm not looking forward to it. Not because I don't want to see my family. I do. I want to see JP. And not because I want to stay here, because I don't. I [figuratively] hate this place.
I'd like to run off. Someplace far away. live on my own, or with you. That would do it.
And so it is, sometimes I think about how I am feeling or what I am thinking or saying. I wonder if it is real, or if this is me somehow psychologically fucking with people and I don't even mean to. Or am I depressed, or do I have anxiety? I am worried and stressed every single day of my life to the point of tears. I /want/ to cry at least once a day, if I don't in fact really cry. I feel like a failure at the smallest mistakes and beat myself up over everything, even things I can't really control. I dread night time because I wonder how long I'll lay there until I'll fall asleep, and I dread morning because then I have to get ready for the entire day.
If someone doesn't say hi to me when I see them I wonder what I did to piss them off. And if someone doesnt respond to a message I sent I wonder why they hate me? I feel like I don't have any real friends because im not worthy of them. And I know its not true... I blame it on a few distinct events from my childhood. I was never popular and think I kind of dress funny.
And now I'm just beating myself up for no reason.
I love the name Carter, and I wish you would, too. I'll consider Reagan and the other names you love.
I always think I'm going to be happy in the future, but when I reach the "future" I'm just as upset and depressed as I was in the past.
Is something wrong with me?
Then I spend the rest of the day doing (or lack thereof) whatever I need to get done. Today I spent most of my day in the library. I didn't get well... anything done, to be honest. When I checked your outlook and realized that you had your interview at 2:30 I felt obligated to wish you good luck. I really did mean it, too. As much as it may not seem like it, I want you to be successful.
It's just like you said... my hardest part about succeeding is accepting failure, and accepting that it is a natural part of learning. And if I were to add to that, it would be accepting all of your success, too. I don't know that I've ever seen you fail. At anything.
I could be in a room full of the people that love me the most and still feel the same inside. Right now I have that feeling. Which is why right now I am writing. It litterly feels like something is missing in my heart. I am lonely. Not lonely in a sad pathetic sense, just lonely in a... I don't want to be here by myself kind of way. In a... I have a lot on my mind, and even though I can't ever express what it is, I wish someone were sitting next to me, or laying next to me so I wouldn't have to fall asleep by myself tonight.
There are 3 people, not including my family, that get me through. However, none of them I can really talk to about any of this and I don't know why. Its one of those things that I will mention here and there and all of them know about, but no one knows how much it is hurting and bothering me, and even I don't know why.
I guess I wish that I was friends with or had someone that could understand. I wish I didn't have to figure out how to explain a lot of things, that maybe I could just hold your hand and then you'd know everything that was going on inside of me.
If I had any super power, that would be it. Being able to feel what anyone else was feeling if only for a moment.
I don't want to go home this weekend. I don't know why, but I'm not looking forward to it. Not because I don't want to see my family. I do. I want to see JP. And not because I want to stay here, because I don't. I [figuratively] hate this place.
I'd like to run off. Someplace far away. live on my own, or with you. That would do it.
And so it is, sometimes I think about how I am feeling or what I am thinking or saying. I wonder if it is real, or if this is me somehow psychologically fucking with people and I don't even mean to. Or am I depressed, or do I have anxiety? I am worried and stressed every single day of my life to the point of tears. I /want/ to cry at least once a day, if I don't in fact really cry. I feel like a failure at the smallest mistakes and beat myself up over everything, even things I can't really control. I dread night time because I wonder how long I'll lay there until I'll fall asleep, and I dread morning because then I have to get ready for the entire day.
If someone doesn't say hi to me when I see them I wonder what I did to piss them off. And if someone doesnt respond to a message I sent I wonder why they hate me? I feel like I don't have any real friends because im not worthy of them. And I know its not true... I blame it on a few distinct events from my childhood. I was never popular and think I kind of dress funny.
And now I'm just beating myself up for no reason.
I love the name Carter, and I wish you would, too. I'll consider Reagan and the other names you love.
I always think I'm going to be happy in the future, but when I reach the "future" I'm just as upset and depressed as I was in the past.
Is something wrong with me?
