My Opera
The Agony of Defeat
Tuesday, February 10, 2009 6:47:16 AM
I don't really know why I gave you the URL, to be honest. I want you to know, but I don't want to know that you know.
And sometimes I just want to cry, but I can't because someone is sitting right next to me, and I don't want them to say anything.
I don't really know.
I'm selfish and heartless. I don't want you to have that job, I really don't. And in 12 or so hours you find out if you got it, and frankly it scares me to death.
I want to go home. I want to be at home. I want to run away. I don't want to be here anymore.
There are things I love about this place, and things I hate. I can't decide if I love it or hate it more.
Why don't you let the things you see change how you feel about me?
I'd rather be stressfully applying for something I really want. Which is why I wish I really wanted this.
And as much as I really don't want you to have it, I could never truly wish that upon you. I've never once prayed you wouldn't get it, only that whatever happens is what is going to be the best for both of us and make us the happiest.
But in my own selfish agony, I want everything to be how I want it.
I've told you before
I hate failure. Why work at something when there is a big chance you will fail? Because you learn something? Its kind of bullshit. I've learned that it, honestly, lowers my self-esteem, which doesnt seem to be that great to begin with.
If I only knew what I truly wanted out of life...
I've considered it. Considered doing something that I wont say on here. And I know it would make life hard for me. But it would make life hard for you, which is why I would never do it. For you. But I'd considered it. To get myself out of this. How awful is that? Just another one of my selfish ploys.
Will I be happy this summer? Will I have the job I actually do want this summer? Will you be here this summer?
I feel like I would collapse.
I need some sleep. It is almost one in the morning. Thats fairly late for me.
As stupid as it seems to say... I just wish you could feel whats going on inside of me. Its a war of my emotions and thoughts.
what the fuck do I do?
And sometimes I just want to cry, but I can't because someone is sitting right next to me, and I don't want them to say anything.
I don't really know.
I'm selfish and heartless. I don't want you to have that job, I really don't. And in 12 or so hours you find out if you got it, and frankly it scares me to death.
I want to go home. I want to be at home. I want to run away. I don't want to be here anymore.
There are things I love about this place, and things I hate. I can't decide if I love it or hate it more.
Why don't you let the things you see change how you feel about me?
I'd rather be stressfully applying for something I really want. Which is why I wish I really wanted this.
And as much as I really don't want you to have it, I could never truly wish that upon you. I've never once prayed you wouldn't get it, only that whatever happens is what is going to be the best for both of us and make us the happiest.
But in my own selfish agony, I want everything to be how I want it.
I've told you before
I hate failure. Why work at something when there is a big chance you will fail? Because you learn something? Its kind of bullshit. I've learned that it, honestly, lowers my self-esteem, which doesnt seem to be that great to begin with.
If I only knew what I truly wanted out of life...
I've considered it. Considered doing something that I wont say on here. And I know it would make life hard for me. But it would make life hard for you, which is why I would never do it. For you. But I'd considered it. To get myself out of this. How awful is that? Just another one of my selfish ploys.
Will I be happy this summer? Will I have the job I actually do want this summer? Will you be here this summer?
I feel like I would collapse.
I need some sleep. It is almost one in the morning. Thats fairly late for me.
As stupid as it seems to say... I just wish you could feel whats going on inside of me. Its a war of my emotions and thoughts.
what the fuck do I do?
