Wednesday, 18. February 2009, 04:53:01
I'm in no mood to write. So I won't.
I just think the effort we've made this week so far is shitty.
Don't tell me we will try our hardest if you really don't care.
I cried through that entire stupid program and you didnt do anything. I left and you didnt do anything.
You want to know a secret?
(All I ever wanted was to come up to your room for a while. But you never invited me.)
Now you know how simple it all really was.
Tuesday, 10. February 2009, 18:54:29
I've never been able to express clearly why I don't want you to get this job. Until today. Lunch solidified what I had thought, but never expressed out loud.
Today you told me that as an RA, you, and others, should be respected because you've been here for at least a year, gone through the struggles of other students and have had training expressing how to deal with issues.
Frankly, I think its bullshit. Respect is not something one should have because they are "Better" than you, which is what you are saying. Respect is something that EVERYONE should have equally. You are no better than those in your hall because you've had a year of college already. You are not better than me, nor are you better than anyone else in the hall for that reason. Student Staff have this idea that they have authority over others. And at first I thought I was wrong, I thought that only some people treated it this way. And maybe at first only some did, but now I realize that it is something that comes with the job whether you want it to or not.
Basically, today you told me you were better than me. Which, frankly, hurts. Today you told me that I should repsect you more because you have been here a year longer, whcih frankly sucks.
All of the above is why I don't want to get this DM position anymore. I don't want other to hate me because they feel like I have authority over them. -- I shouldnt have authority over them... I'm no better than anyone. Everyone, EVERYONE should be respected the same until they do something to ligitimently lose that respect. THEN and only THEN should they have to EARN it back
And if you get this AHD positon, I know that you too, will have more of an egotistical outlook on your college experience. Not only will you then be better than residents, but other Staff. Why? Because you get to go to to pro staff meetings. Because you will have an office. Because you will have a room with a bathroom. Frankly, with that attitude, i don't think you deserve the job.
I'm pissed off if you couldn't tell.
someone once told me that I really need to fail at something because I'm an egotistical stuck up bitch. I took it to heart and thought "jesus, maybe I do give off that I'm better than everyone". Now I think that maybe its what you need to do. Have something that you love or something that you really want ripped out from under you. You need to be humbled.
And I don't want to see you until I calm down. And this relationship won't work until we can manage to see each other as equal. And clearly that isn't going to happen-- because you are better than me.
Tuesday, 10. February 2009, 06:47:16
I don't really know why I gave you the URL, to be honest. I want you to know, but I don't want to know that you know.
And sometimes I just want to cry, but I can't because someone is sitting right next to me, and I don't want them to say anything.
I don't really know.
I'm selfish and heartless. I don't want you to have that job, I really don't. And in 12 or so hours you find out if you got it, and frankly it scares me to death.
I want to go home. I want to be at home. I want to run away. I don't want to be here anymore.
There are things I love about this place, and things I hate. I can't decide if I love it or hate it more.
Why don't you let the things you see change how you feel about me?
I'd rather be stressfully applying for something I really want. Which is why I wish I really wanted this.
And as much as I really don't want you to have it, I could never truly wish that upon you. I've never once prayed you wouldn't get it, only that whatever happens is what is going to be the best for both of us and make us the happiest.
But in my own selfish agony, I want everything to be how I want it.
I've told you before
I hate failure. Why work at something when there is a big chance you will fail? Because you learn something? Its kind of bullshit. I've learned that it, honestly, lowers my self-esteem, which doesnt seem to be that great to begin with.
If I only knew what I truly wanted out of life...
I've considered it. Considered doing something that I wont say on here. And I know it would make life hard for me. But it would make life hard for you, which is why I would never do it. For you. But I'd considered it. To get myself out of this. How awful is that? Just another one of my selfish ploys.
Will I be happy this summer? Will I have the job I actually do want this summer? Will you be here this summer?
I feel like I would collapse.
I need some sleep. It is almost one in the morning. Thats fairly late for me.
As stupid as it seems to say... I just wish you could feel whats going on inside of me. Its a war of my emotions and thoughts.
what the fuck do I do?
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