Kind of a morbid question
Wednesday, 28. January 2009, 05:32:51
But Honestly...
Do you ever wonder who will come to your funeral?
Sadly, I think about it all the time. I never spoke a word of this to anyone until the other day a friend of mine asked me the same thing. Shocked I told him that I do, possibly because I have rather low self-esteem, or maybe because I think no one likes me. But at the same time, in my head, there are always lots of people at my funeral.
Maybe thats what scares me so much, the idea that lots of people would go to my funeral, then the thought that perhaps no one would show up.
Laying on the floor of my boyfriends room tonight, crying because I'm feeling overwhelmed, I had this image of who would come to my funeral. Sadly, with it I also had the image of how I died.
I was too upset to go back to my room, especially with my nosey roomate there who would only provoke my anxiety filled feelings, so instead I took a walk through the fridgid streats at midnight. I'm not sure how I died, if I was hit by a car or just froze to death in the street, but I was found the next morning by someone driving to work.
What would people say if that was how I died? Would Steve say "Oh my gosh, thats so weird, she was just in my office last night" Or would Terri-Anne say "She is in my Math class and went to my high school" But would either of them come to my funeral? Would my math teacher even notice I was gone, or would she remember helping me figure out my Venn diagram on Monday?
Kevin would be lost without me, and I could never kill myself, if only for JP. My family would be heartbroken, and Quentin would be devistated, but other than that... won't the world move on? Hell, would the world even stop?
And whats more ironic, is that he just read me a quote. One from his spanish book. Saying something about "How many people have passed her before us, how many will pass by after?" Trying to keep things in perspective. Just goes to show that no one person really matters in the scheme of things. JP. JP is my only reason. He is my one person. The one that if he died, he or anything I would kill myself because I couldn't do it without him. He is my entire life.
I mean... Nothing matters. Nothing at all matters. We go through this big show, we put on the make-up and do our hair, but who the hell are we performing for? When I'm laying on my death bed, I don't want to think "What the HELL did I do all this for?" If I'm here there must be a reason, right? So what the hell is it? And why am I so antagonized about everything? Why must there be money, and government and... anything.
Why are we born if we are just going to die?
Do you ever wonder who will come to your funeral?
Sadly, I think about it all the time. I never spoke a word of this to anyone until the other day a friend of mine asked me the same thing. Shocked I told him that I do, possibly because I have rather low self-esteem, or maybe because I think no one likes me. But at the same time, in my head, there are always lots of people at my funeral.
Maybe thats what scares me so much, the idea that lots of people would go to my funeral, then the thought that perhaps no one would show up.
Laying on the floor of my boyfriends room tonight, crying because I'm feeling overwhelmed, I had this image of who would come to my funeral. Sadly, with it I also had the image of how I died.
I was too upset to go back to my room, especially with my nosey roomate there who would only provoke my anxiety filled feelings, so instead I took a walk through the fridgid streats at midnight. I'm not sure how I died, if I was hit by a car or just froze to death in the street, but I was found the next morning by someone driving to work.
What would people say if that was how I died? Would Steve say "Oh my gosh, thats so weird, she was just in my office last night" Or would Terri-Anne say "She is in my Math class and went to my high school" But would either of them come to my funeral? Would my math teacher even notice I was gone, or would she remember helping me figure out my Venn diagram on Monday?
Kevin would be lost without me, and I could never kill myself, if only for JP. My family would be heartbroken, and Quentin would be devistated, but other than that... won't the world move on? Hell, would the world even stop?
And whats more ironic, is that he just read me a quote. One from his spanish book. Saying something about "How many people have passed her before us, how many will pass by after?" Trying to keep things in perspective. Just goes to show that no one person really matters in the scheme of things. JP. JP is my only reason. He is my one person. The one that if he died, he or anything I would kill myself because I couldn't do it without him. He is my entire life.
I mean... Nothing matters. Nothing at all matters. We go through this big show, we put on the make-up and do our hair, but who the hell are we performing for? When I'm laying on my death bed, I don't want to think "What the HELL did I do all this for?" If I'm here there must be a reason, right? So what the hell is it? And why am I so antagonized about everything? Why must there be money, and government and... anything.
Why are we born if we are just going to die?
WIDGETIZE