My Opera
This is what our life has become
Friday, January 9, 2009 5:28:00 AM
It is full of bulletin boards and meetings, tours and goodbyes.
All I hear is "I love you, ok? bye" and not a second in between. I get upset and frustrated, and because of that, then you do too. This is not how I saw it, nor how I want it.
This is why I don’t want that job. The one that should make life easier. I'd rather be alone, and away as much as I can... instead of listening to the complaints and excuses, and then reasons defending your hate. The only time I feel it is the two seconds before you're out the door. If you hold on, just a second. Wait... and just let me hold you, I'd remember how happy I could be. One night on the weekend is always enough, but only for you. Otherwise you have to be by yourself... even if I'm there too.
I sacrifice my comfort for you, but you don't know that I lay there crying. I leave because I don't know where else to go. No place in that town is mine but my car, the only thing that secures me. I don't even feel it in him anymore. Which is why I must find it in myself.
Oh the things you don't know, and I wish I could hide. But I won't, cause I'm weak, and I'll regret it in the end.
I can't sleep without praying, or thinking... or crying. So instead it becomes a ritual of the medicine cabinet and me. But at least I dose off quick, and in the morning its all gone.
The nights are the worst, especially this one.
I cried when I told him I had to leave. I asked him if he wanted me to go and quickly said no. I told him that one day I'd have a house and fans. Maybe a baby or two. He smiled, and laughed which was really all I wanted, but I walked out sad, and with tears, but at least I know that he didn't.
This was never meant for me, I really don't think it was.
Its not that something is wrong with me, but I'm alone within myself.
I have to fight back the tears and ask if that's it, when you say "No, I was just telling you I love you" But I know when you say it that way, it doesn't mean its not the end.
You can't return a call on a timely manner. So, what should I mean to you?
And I'm jealous... jealous of something ridiculous because its childish to want... but I know it doesn’t matter, and I'll never have it, unless something miraculous happens. You’re not ready for it. Neither am I, really. But I know that I would be if I had to, but I don’t know that you could do it.
It scares me to think this is all it is ever going to be. You and me, and I’ll beg for more.
I was told once I could have everything I ever wanted, but I thought I already had it. Now that I’m here, I don’t know that I do…
This isn’t goodbye, its merely a “Please don’t let it slip away” Because even if it is perfect… it isn’t if we don’t believe it is.
So here I am…
25 minutes later, when I was told to wait 15. And I’m broken, and hurt, and don’t have a soul to tell but this keyboard.
And fuck if you gave a damn about why I was crying. Its always you who needs to sleep, or needs a shower or has something better to do.
I'm sorry I thought I was worthy of your time. I'm sory I went to you to clear the tears. I'm sorry I thought maybe it would be fine, when I knew all along it wouldnt be, and here I am... crying because I was right.
You asked if you could see me, I wish I could say no. But I know that probably wont happen.
It makes me wish I didn't take the job, then maybe I'd have a few more days. Like everything is going to be perfect when I'm there. And it is, but only to you.
But if I mention this, its a fight, one I don't want to have. This is how I feel trapped.
Yet... I don't want anyone but you...
And I can’t complete a sentence, because you have to do something else. So I’ll sit here alone, for 3 more years and see if it comes…
I wish I could tell you.
All I hear is "I love you, ok? bye" and not a second in between. I get upset and frustrated, and because of that, then you do too. This is not how I saw it, nor how I want it.
This is why I don’t want that job. The one that should make life easier. I'd rather be alone, and away as much as I can... instead of listening to the complaints and excuses, and then reasons defending your hate. The only time I feel it is the two seconds before you're out the door. If you hold on, just a second. Wait... and just let me hold you, I'd remember how happy I could be. One night on the weekend is always enough, but only for you. Otherwise you have to be by yourself... even if I'm there too.
I sacrifice my comfort for you, but you don't know that I lay there crying. I leave because I don't know where else to go. No place in that town is mine but my car, the only thing that secures me. I don't even feel it in him anymore. Which is why I must find it in myself.
Oh the things you don't know, and I wish I could hide. But I won't, cause I'm weak, and I'll regret it in the end.
I can't sleep without praying, or thinking... or crying. So instead it becomes a ritual of the medicine cabinet and me. But at least I dose off quick, and in the morning its all gone.
The nights are the worst, especially this one.
I cried when I told him I had to leave. I asked him if he wanted me to go and quickly said no. I told him that one day I'd have a house and fans. Maybe a baby or two. He smiled, and laughed which was really all I wanted, but I walked out sad, and with tears, but at least I know that he didn't.
This was never meant for me, I really don't think it was.
Its not that something is wrong with me, but I'm alone within myself.
I have to fight back the tears and ask if that's it, when you say "No, I was just telling you I love you" But I know when you say it that way, it doesn't mean its not the end.
You can't return a call on a timely manner. So, what should I mean to you?
And I'm jealous... jealous of something ridiculous because its childish to want... but I know it doesn’t matter, and I'll never have it, unless something miraculous happens. You’re not ready for it. Neither am I, really. But I know that I would be if I had to, but I don’t know that you could do it.
It scares me to think this is all it is ever going to be. You and me, and I’ll beg for more.
I was told once I could have everything I ever wanted, but I thought I already had it. Now that I’m here, I don’t know that I do…
This isn’t goodbye, its merely a “Please don’t let it slip away” Because even if it is perfect… it isn’t if we don’t believe it is.
So here I am…
25 minutes later, when I was told to wait 15. And I’m broken, and hurt, and don’t have a soul to tell but this keyboard.
And fuck if you gave a damn about why I was crying. Its always you who needs to sleep, or needs a shower or has something better to do.
I'm sorry I thought I was worthy of your time. I'm sory I went to you to clear the tears. I'm sorry I thought maybe it would be fine, when I knew all along it wouldnt be, and here I am... crying because I was right.
You asked if you could see me, I wish I could say no. But I know that probably wont happen.
It makes me wish I didn't take the job, then maybe I'd have a few more days. Like everything is going to be perfect when I'm there. And it is, but only to you.
But if I mention this, its a fight, one I don't want to have. This is how I feel trapped.
Yet... I don't want anyone but you...
And I can’t complete a sentence, because you have to do something else. So I’ll sit here alone, for 3 more years and see if it comes…
I wish I could tell you.
