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DeeDee

There is only One True God

Court Transquips

Court Transquips


Q: James shot Tommy Lee?
A: Yes.
Q: Then Tommy Lee pulled out his gun and shot James in the fracas?
A: No sir, just above it.

Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

Q: The hospital is to the right?
A: It was on this side.
Q: When you say 'it was on this side', could you say right or left?
A: Right or left.

Judge (to jury): If that be your verdict, so say you all.
Jury: You all.

Q: Doctor, will you take a look at those x-rays and tell us something about the injury?
A: Let's see, which side am I testifying for?

Q: How would you expect somebody to react, being stabbed six times in this fassion?
A: Well, it might slow them down a bit.

Q: How was your first marriage determined?
A: By death.
Q: And by who's death was it terminated?

Q: And what did he do then?
A: He came home, and the next morning he was dead.
Q: So, when he woke up, he was dead?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium hight and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or female?

The court: You've been charged with armed robbery. Do you want the court to appoint a lawyer to represent you?
A: You don't have to appoint a very good lawyer, I'm gonna plead guilty anyway.

Q: What happened then?
A: He says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
Q: And, did he kill you?
A: No.

Judge: Well, gentlemen of the jury, are you unanimous?
Foreman: Yes, your Honor, we're all alike-temporarily :insane:

PerspectiveThe Modern Toolbox

Comments

Valius 13. January 2008, 00:06

These are so funny and ridiculous that I bet they really happened in real life.

DeeDee 13. January 2008, 00:26

they probably did :lol: i got these from a book called bathroom reader.

Valius 13. January 2008, 00:29

I'm goinng to remember this one:

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

If when I go to court and the opportunity comes up...I'm going to answer that question just that way and keep a straight face!

See what you can get away with when you're a bit older.

DeeDee 13. January 2008, 00:32

oh gosh, there are is much to do when i get older...hm...:left: :lol:

Valius 13. January 2008, 00:39

Oo...Oo...Tell me what it is. lol

3 new forum invitations!

DeeDee 13. January 2008, 00:42

who...who...!

t.k. says (it's pretty nasty) :yuck:

Valius 13. January 2008, 00:52

Aw! precious babies!

I think I'll pass on the Poo poo

DeeDee 13. January 2008, 01:07

:lol: we're having corndogs here!

Valius 13. January 2008, 01:20

I haven't had corndogs in about 10 years or more...I want corndogs!!!

DeeDee 13. January 2008, 01:29

:D and the poor baby is having mashed taters...oh well, wait till I eat my corndogs, then she can have some of my nutrients :D

Valius 13. January 2008, 01:43

Aw!!! I want a new baby!!! OK no more thoughts like that!

DeeDee 13. January 2008, 01:48

Edit! Edit! Quick! Before someone sees! Edit!

Valius 13. January 2008, 02:22

Hey...I might want but do you think I'm really that crazy...Leaving all the babies to you younger folks. lol

Besides as a grandpa I can take them to the ice cream parlor let them get ice cream all over themselves and then ask my children why they don't keep their kids clean...LOL

DeeDee 13. January 2008, 02:28

lol lol lol you sound like...um...my grandpa:lol:

Valius 13. January 2008, 02:36

HA HA lol...I really enjoy hearing that a lot! Good for him and I'll bet if he's like me he enjoys doing it too.

Valius 13. January 2008, 02:38

I raised my kids and spent my money...they did well now it's my turn and let them suffer a little now. lol I love it.

My grands are going to be fine...I just want to see a little grey hair on my kids like they gave me. I love them all!

DeeDee 13. January 2008, 02:47

:lol: how wonderful! wait, do you fish?

Valius 13. January 2008, 03:44

NO and one day I have a wonderful fish story that saved me from stealing...as a 13 year old...it is so funny I had forgotten until you just asked me that question.

I hate fishing!!! But I do like fish jokes! I wouldn't mind fishing but who would take them off the hook for me. I don't like the way they feel.

DeeDee 13. January 2008, 04:10

I love to fish! My favorite is rainbow trout!

Valius 13. January 2008, 04:20

Have fun fishing...I only eat white meat tuna fish in salad style...No other fish for me.

OH I have a great recipe (maybe next week) for tuna salad.

DeeDee 13. January 2008, 04:31

oh good. maybe greyeye can lern sumfin! i mean...learn something! where's my phonics! lol!

Valius 13. January 2008, 04:42

Teach him how to catch Tuna and can them...white meat only please!

Valius 13. January 2008, 04:43

Look in gin bottle for Phonics

DeeDee 13. January 2008, 04:52

gin bottle! phonics! i ment to prepare the tuna not catch it! lol!

Valius 13. January 2008, 04:59

OH then do you want me to post it here just for you...I promise it is the best recipe ever...If you like relish!

My last wife didn't and I had to make hers separate...Now you know why I divorced her!

DeeDee 13. January 2008, 05:05

:lol: Tim's mouth is still watering everytime he sees my mexican beef stew! i even have it posted in our bedroom. he says i'm mean to tease, but i have no ither choice! if i take down the recipe, the girls would have it torn in two! lol, that's kids for ya!

Valius 13. January 2008, 05:11

I did this for a site using HTML so if yoou need me to clean up the code I will...else ignore it

Tuna Recipe


Sarta Ita Fit (Tuna Fish Salad Spread)





Ingrediants
____________________________________________________________________Utensils



2 cans of white meat tuna
..........................................................................................................1
- 2 quart mixing bowl



1/2 cup of mayonaise
................................................................................................................
1 measuring cup



2 tablespoons of sweet relish
....................................................................................................
1 tablespoon



2 tablespoons of chopped onions (fine if you don't mind)
.......................................................
1 teaspoon



2 tablespoons of chopped celery (fine if you do mind)
............................................................
1 chop stick



1 teaspoon celery seeds



1 pinch salt



2 pinches black pepper



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Open and drain the 2 cans of white meat tuna and using
the chop stick empty into bowl. Add all of the seasonings along
with the mayonaise and second most important ingrediant, the
relish. Using the chop stick break up the tuna chunks into fine
pieces without stirring or turning it into a cream. When the
chunks are a uniform small size and the onions and celery
stirring a few times until uniform.



Cover the bowl and place it into the refridgerator
until chilled. I like mayonaise spread on both sides of my bread
with lettuce and tomato. You can use your own taste to dictate
the type of bread and whether or not to add anything else.



This makes a great summer lunch with lemonade. Enjoy



DeeDee 13. January 2008, 05:15

that looks great! I'll have Tim take a look!

Valius 13. January 2008, 05:20

OK...do you have a way to print it? If not make hand notes...It really is a good recipe. He should love it and maybe gain 10 lbs. When I make it I have to make more and more.

Also My chopped Bar B Q recipe...I can't stop eatin it. I make sandwiches on hamburger bun and go through 2 packs of buns before I roll over to lay down.

I try not to eat pork any more since I've been reading the bible...been 8 months now. I love bacon, ham and chopped Bar B Q but what the heck!

DeeDee 13. January 2008, 05:27

what's wrong with eating pork?
God doesn't condemn it.

Valius 13. January 2008, 05:32

No but he says it is abusive to our own bodies. He says do not eat scavengers. Pigs are scavengers and have no sweat glands except a few on the nose,,,They retain any poisons they eat for all their lives. They can't sweat them out...OH gee I need a ham sandwich!

God says it is not a sin against him but an abuse to our own bodies. Do I need to hunt through the bible to find it or can you think hard and remember...Oh Yea I saw that!

DeeDee 13. January 2008, 05:49

Romans 14:14
I know, I am persuaded by the Lord Jesus, that there is nothing unclean of itself: but to him that esteemeth (considers) anything to be unclean, to him, it is unclean.

This verse co-insides with the 'Law of Love' if you truely believe pork is not suitable, i guess it would be considered a sin to eat it. but i think what you're thinking of is in the old testament, isn't it?

Valius 13. January 2008, 05:52

Yes - in the old testament - does that make a difference?

Have I given up my ham sandwich for nothing...and the stores are closed now!

DeeDee 13. January 2008, 06:02

hang on, i got another passage, i'll look it up for ya

DeeDee 13. January 2008, 06:07

okay, i found it, but i'm moving the topic to our blog in bible studies. it's a bit of an explanation. i found clean and unclean in Leviticus 1, yes there's a difference. hang on and i'll get it for you!

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