DeeDee

There is only One True God

Court Transquips

Court Transquips


Q: James shot Tommy Lee?
A: Yes.
Q: Then Tommy Lee pulled out his gun and shot James in the fracas?
A: No sir, just above it.

Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

Q: The hospital is to the right?
A: It was on this side.
Q: When you say 'it was on this side', could you say right or left?
A: Right or left.

Judge (to jury): If that be your verdict, so say you all.
Jury: You all.

Q: Doctor, will you take a look at those x-rays and tell us something about the injury?
A: Let's see, which side am I testifying for?

Q: How would you expect somebody to react, being stabbed six times in this fassion?
A: Well, it might slow them down a bit.

Q: How was your first marriage determined?
A: By death.
Q: And by who's death was it terminated?

Q: And what did he do then?
A: He came home, and the next morning he was dead.
Q: So, when he woke up, he was dead?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium hight and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or female?

The court: You've been charged with armed robbery. Do you want the court to appoint a lawyer to represent you?
A: You don't have to appoint a very good lawyer, I'm gonna plead guilty anyway.

Q: What happened then?
A: He says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
Q: And, did he kill you?
A: No.

Judge: Well, gentlemen of the jury, are you unanimous?
Foreman: Yes, your Honor, we're all alike-temporarily scared

PerspectiveThe Modern Toolbox

Comments

Valiusvalius324 Sunday, January 13, 2008 12:06:15 AM

These are so funny and ridiculous that I bet they really happened in real life.

DeeDeeTogaOga Sunday, January 13, 2008 12:26:14 AM

they probably did lol i got these from a book called bathroom reader.

Valiusvalius324 Sunday, January 13, 2008 12:29:59 AM

I'm goinng to remember this one:

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

If when I go to court and the opportunity comes up...I'm going to answer that question just that way and keep a straight face!

See what you can get away with when you're a bit older.

DeeDeeTogaOga Sunday, January 13, 2008 12:32:40 AM

oh gosh, there are is much to do when i get older...hm...left lol

Valiusvalius324 Sunday, January 13, 2008 12:39:11 AM

Oo...Oo...Tell me what it is. lol

3 new forum invitations!

DeeDeeTogaOga Sunday, January 13, 2008 12:42:11 AM

who...who...!

t.k. says (it's pretty nasty) yuck

Valiusvalius324 Sunday, January 13, 2008 12:52:18 AM

Aw! precious babies!

I think I'll pass on the Poo poo

DeeDeeTogaOga Sunday, January 13, 2008 1:07:42 AM

lol we're having corndogs here!

Valiusvalius324 Sunday, January 13, 2008 1:20:14 AM

I haven't had corndogs in about 10 years or more...I want corndogs!!!

DeeDeeTogaOga Sunday, January 13, 2008 1:29:49 AM

bigsmile and the poor baby is having mashed taters...oh well, wait till I eat my corndogs, then she can have some of my nutrients bigsmile

Valiusvalius324 Sunday, January 13, 2008 1:43:36 AM

Aw!!! I want a new baby!!! OK no more thoughts like that!

DeeDeeTogaOga Sunday, January 13, 2008 1:48:10 AM

Edit! Edit! Quick! Before someone sees! Edit!

Valiusvalius324 Sunday, January 13, 2008 2:22:06 AM

Hey...I might want but do you think I'm really that crazy...Leaving all the babies to you younger folks. lol

Besides as a grandpa I can take them to the ice cream parlor let them get ice cream all over themselves and then ask my children why they don't keep their kids clean...LOL

DeeDeeTogaOga Sunday, January 13, 2008 2:28:21 AM

lol lol lol you sound like...um...my grandpa:lol:

Valiusvalius324 Sunday, January 13, 2008 2:36:50 AM

HA HA lol...I really enjoy hearing that a lot! Good for him and I'll bet if he's like me he enjoys doing it too.

Valiusvalius324 Sunday, January 13, 2008 2:38:46 AM

I raised my kids and spent my money...they did well now it's my turn and let them suffer a little now. lol I love it.

My grands are going to be fine...I just want to see a little grey hair on my kids like they gave me. I love them all!

DeeDeeTogaOga Sunday, January 13, 2008 2:47:27 AM

lol how wonderful! wait, do you fish?

Valiusvalius324 Sunday, January 13, 2008 3:44:54 AM

NO and one day I have a wonderful fish story that saved me from stealing...as a 13 year old...it is so funny I had forgotten until you just asked me that question.

I hate fishing!!! But I do like fish jokes! I wouldn't mind fishing but who would take them off the hook for me. I don't like the way they feel.

DeeDeeTogaOga Sunday, January 13, 2008 4:10:26 AM

I love to fish! My favorite is rainbow trout!

Valiusvalius324 Sunday, January 13, 2008 4:20:56 AM

Have fun fishing...I only eat white meat tuna fish in salad style...No other fish for me.

OH I have a great recipe (maybe next week) for tuna salad.

DeeDeeTogaOga Sunday, January 13, 2008 4:31:06 AM

oh good. maybe greyeye can lern sumfin! i mean...learn something! where's my phonics! lol!

Valiusvalius324 Sunday, January 13, 2008 4:42:10 AM

Teach him how to catch Tuna and can them...white meat only please!

Valiusvalius324 Sunday, January 13, 2008 4:43:01 AM

Look in gin bottle for Phonics

DeeDeeTogaOga Sunday, January 13, 2008 4:52:59 AM

gin bottle! phonics! i ment to prepare the tuna not catch it! lol!

Valiusvalius324 Sunday, January 13, 2008 4:59:51 AM

OH then do you want me to post it here just for you...I promise it is the best recipe ever...If you like relish!

My last wife didn't and I had to make hers separate...Now you know why I divorced her!

DeeDeeTogaOga Sunday, January 13, 2008 5:05:21 AM

lol Tim's mouth is still watering everytime he sees my mexican beef stew! i even have it posted in our bedroom. he says i'm mean to tease, but i have no ither choice! if i take down the recipe, the girls would have it torn in two! lol, that's kids for ya!

Valiusvalius324 Sunday, January 13, 2008 5:11:26 AM

I did this for a site using HTML so if yoou need me to clean up the code I will...else ignore it Tuna Recipe
Sarta Ita Fit (Tuna Fish Salad Spread)

Ingrediants ____________________________________________________________________Utensils

2 cans of white meat tuna ..........................................................................................................1 - 2 quart mixing bowl

1/2 cup of mayonaise ................................................................................................................ 1 measuring cup

2 tablespoons of sweet relish .................................................................................................... 1 tablespoon

2 tablespoons of chopped onions (fine if you don't mind) ....................................................... 1 teaspoon

2 tablespoons of chopped celery (fine if you do mind) ............................................................ 1 chop stick

1 teaspoon celery seeds

1 pinch salt

2 pinches black pepper

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Open and drain the 2 cans of white meat tuna and using the chop stick empty into bowl. Add all of the seasonings along with the mayonaise and second most important ingrediant, the relish. Using the chop stick break up the tuna chunks into fine pieces without stirring or turning it into a cream. When the chunks are a uniform small size and the onions and celery stirring a few times until uniform.

Cover the bowl and place it into the refridgerator until chilled. I like mayonaise spread on both sides of my bread with lettuce and tomato. You can use your own taste to dictate the type of bread and whether or not to add anything else.

This makes a great summer lunch with lemonade. Enjoy

DeeDeeTogaOga Sunday, January 13, 2008 5:15:13 AM

that looks great! I'll have Tim take a look!

Valiusvalius324 Sunday, January 13, 2008 5:20:20 AM

OK...do you have a way to print it? If not make hand notes...It really is a good recipe. He should love it and maybe gain 10 lbs. When I make it I have to make more and more.

Also My chopped Bar B Q recipe...I can't stop eatin it. I make sandwiches on hamburger bun and go through 2 packs of buns before I roll over to lay down.

I try not to eat pork any more since I've been reading the bible...been 8 months now. I love bacon, ham and chopped Bar B Q but what the heck!

DeeDeeTogaOga Sunday, January 13, 2008 5:27:30 AM

what's wrong with eating pork?
God doesn't condemn it.

Valiusvalius324 Sunday, January 13, 2008 5:32:08 AM

No but he says it is abusive to our own bodies. He says do not eat scavengers. Pigs are scavengers and have no sweat glands except a few on the nose,,,They retain any poisons they eat for all their lives. They can't sweat them out...OH gee I need a ham sandwich!

God says it is not a sin against him but an abuse to our own bodies. Do I need to hunt through the bible to find it or can you think hard and remember...Oh Yea I saw that!

DeeDeeTogaOga Sunday, January 13, 2008 5:49:55 AM

Romans 14:14
I know, I am persuaded by the Lord Jesus, that there is nothing unclean of itself: but to him that esteemeth (considers) anything to be unclean, to him, it is unclean.

This verse co-insides with the 'Law of Love' if you truely believe pork is not suitable, i guess it would be considered a sin to eat it. but i think what you're thinking of is in the old testament, isn't it?

Valiusvalius324 Sunday, January 13, 2008 5:52:26 AM

Yes - in the old testament - does that make a difference?

Have I given up my ham sandwich for nothing...and the stores are closed now!

DeeDeeTogaOga Sunday, January 13, 2008 6:02:03 AM

hang on, i got another passage, i'll look it up for ya

DeeDeeTogaOga Sunday, January 13, 2008 6:07:28 AM

okay, i found it, but i'm moving the topic to our blog in bible studies. it's a bit of an explanation. i found clean and unclean in Leviticus 1, yes there's a difference. hang on and i'll get it for you!

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