DeeDee

The Modern Toolbox

Tuesday, 15. January 2008, 20:33:39

The Modern Toolbox

Hammer:
In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemy.
Modern hammers are used to inflict pain to oneself.
Screwdriver:
The drink ordered at a local bar after you call a professional repairman to undo the $500 damage you did while trying to change a light socket with your handy screwdriver.
Phillips screwdriver:
The bar drink you order when the estimated cost is over $1000 and contains twice the vodka.
Pliers:
A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down in between the new wall that took you three weeks to install.
Muli-pliers:
Contains a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testonserone levels.
Electronic stud finder:
An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.
Halogen light:
A work light that lights up your backyard withe incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you still need a flaslight.
Cordless drill:
A device that reduces the chance of self electrocution by 90% over a corded one.
Cordless telephone:
The handyman's 911.
Air compressor:
A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-law's nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast off old paint off the side of the house.
Chainsaw:
Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidently built completely around yourself.
Vice grips:
A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.