My another world

It has nothing to do with my post but it's the movie im watching right now.
I had a pretty bad day. 2 key clients terminated contracts almost at the same time, My longterm colleague has quit, i feel like im surrounded by "breaking ups" even in relationship and work.
Im in the middle of a life crisis and honestly im stuck. I see no ways out at the moment. I wish i could be sad then feel happy. But no, i feel nothing, im frozen and stoned....

I accidently caught some lines in the movie "i think we are not right for each other. You will be happier without me". What a cliche!! Is that how all men say goodbye?

Someone said "be smart and be strong", how can I?

It's weird that it takes that much braveness to finally write and send an email.
....

And now waiting for the reply and heart feels like blowing up any time.

Now i understand why they call it a heartbreak. Literally it breaks, into pieces!!'

I know this is the time im most vulnerable. One tiny thing can easily touch my fragile mind and break me down. Im like a chipped glassy cup which can be scattered into pieces any time.
I dont want to see or hear anything that triggers my memory or reminisces me about my relationship. It hurts me when seeing couples pairing up happily while acknowledging im all by myself.
Sometimes i wish for a sign, a kind of supernatural sign only to show me that somebody cares for me. But of course nothing happens. What a joke! I laughed at myself then only finding me burst into tears again.
I dont give up. Im still trying. Ive gone this far, i can make it.
I need to find peace for my soul, i remind myself, that's my ultimate goal now.
I need to get used to a lonely life and cope up with things on my own, with a positive attitude. I dont know if i can do that...
Tomorrow is another day....

Im not religious nor superticious, but somehow something makes me start to think a lot of the saying "everything happens for a reason".

I watched an episode of Madmen today and it was really sad. Season3 basically ends with the divorce of a dreamy marriage between the main character and his beautiful wife. Their life is something people would mostly crave for: wealth, success, beautiful kids. However, in reality, It is no happy ending. The story really bothers me (i hate non-happy ending) and it reminds me of my recent breakup, but on the other hand, it does suggest another perspective of life that navigates my thoughts about my current emotional turburlence.

I won't say it brings a massive positive energy for me or lifts up my gloomy mood overnight or affects any of my attitudes, but one thing i understand from the story is that "You have to own the strength to fight for your own happiness, and it's never too late".

Life moves on. Nothing can help you hold what already belongs to yesterday. The couple, they used to be happy, but when they both understood the core problem couldn't be fixed, they fell apart. And they accepted that fact, and they moved on.Hurt but determined. Lonely but strong. And the wife, she stood up and took action to get what she derserved, though it's hard, though they had shared a life and 3 kids, she already knew what she truly wanted for the rest of her life. She bravely fighted for her own goods. She got out of the comfort zone for HER better life.

Isnt it how life works out? nothing is perfect for anybody. To survive, You have to find a way to make the best out of the worst. It seems simple and true yet in fact difficult for me to get hold of and turn into a practical motivation for myself.

I keep thinking about how is fate related to all of this or is there really any force which decides our destinies? Or simply, we ourselves are the ones who make the decision?

I read all of these articles about breaking up and they all say things will get better and you will definitely meet someone else more deserved.

I just dont have the beliefs that I should have. My body and my mind were torn down, falling.

My mind is filled with fog, it cant function properly. I fully understand the logic things to do, but at the same time, im taking the reserve action.

Im still staring at my phone every 5 mins.
Im still following him on facebook
Im still thinking what if i could spend time with him like i used to
Im still missing him like crazy, i have to fight with myself not to let myself do the wrong thing
Sometimes i just want to throw away my pride, my dignity, just want to scream out i miss you, just want to email him, just want to see him and talk to him...
But the worst thing is that no matter how i resist, i know very clearly deep down inside, i still want a reconcilation. I want to be back! Im afraid it will give me another knock out, knowing that it's all the illusion im creating for myself.
It feels like i know what's coming but i can not do anything to protect myself. Someone tells me what to do?