My another world

I'm a worry person, I am. And for that reason, I tend to oversee into the future rather than live in the time being. Honestly, sometimes it's good, especially in work when you can actually foresee and prepare for all scenarios, but that's when you know for sure how you are going to handle it. When you don't, it will become an obsession that makes you feel insecure about what's probably going to happen next.

That's what I feel now, a sense of insecure and unstable. How can you be in a relationship and you have no idea where it is going to and you feel like you can not get hold of it? If somebody can do that, I would have a lot of questions for that person because i feel like I'm in the middle of nowhere now.

I know I sound crazy but these thoughts are growing within me, till I have to jot it down just not to let it blow my mind. What's next? that question haunts me and I feel annoyed to myself that I don't have the answer nor dare to find one.

I have never been good at dealing with my own emotions and personal relationships. I just don't want to accept it but in fact, I am not. I'm too weak, too vulnerable and gullible and sometimes I don't know what i want and how i should behave as a grown-up. I'm easily driven by others, I hate it.

As a matter of fact, I build myself a fence and always in doubt of things, of love, of emotions, of care, wondering if the next person is going to cheat on me just like the previous one did. I've never once found complete happiness from a relationship, how sucked it is?

These days are just too stressful as my brain is twisted with lots of unanswered questions. I just want to go away for sometime and let noone find me. Am I in deep depression?