Just Venting..

I swear to god, she ditched me again. 8th day now.. its feeling so great! 8 mother fucking days, havent said more than 20 min to her, she ends up hanging up anyway! lol she hates me! lol if she has liz, or julie, she is fucking good. she dosent need me, i have been absolutly replaced, just like every god damn summer, it HAS to be something. Matt then Sam then Julie lol, jesus fucking christ dez, either your in love with me (which you ARENT) or your not ready for a relationship.. hey, how bout you FUCKING TALK TO ME for more than 2 seconds? sounds nice huh? lol no.. no not to you, but to me, sounds fucking awesome! i used to even have a g/f! doubt you remember, since your always off with someone else you like. fine dez, pick them, but i swear to shit im done with it! im fucking done! i have hit my wall tonight. I was late, you are depressed, fine.. but you FUCKING PROMISED me a weekend.. all i fucking wanted! 2 days with MY girlfriend! you fucking promised.. you made a fucking bet.. god dammit.. i swear to god i am so mad right now.. she dyes her hair, she changes herself, and she puts me the fuck out of her life. all she cares about is looking good, getting compliments and being popular lol.. oh wait she is a "non conformist" LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cant you believe that shit? she said that! lol my god.. a non conformist huh? meaning you dont conform? lol! if julie and liz ask you to do ANYTHING you in it! the only reason you didnt do weed was because delmont was there to help you! if he wasnt, you wouldnt have called that night, and just hoped i didnt call, cause you would have been stoned off your ass.. because i know you can lie.. you lied about sam.. you lied about how you met liz, and i know you lie about a shit of a lot more than that.. i dont even fucking want to know what you do with them.. i dont even want to know!!! because i swear i wouldnt be surprised.. i wouldnt even be shocked.. i knew it all along.. sounds paranoid huh? funny how every time i think "wow, thats crazy talk" i see its all fucking true.

I've just fucking had it.. i dont know what to do.. she wont talk to me on the phone.. sure my precious baby, the phone might not be so plesant, especially in my attitude with how you DITCH me night after night, after you lie about being sorry for it.. (cough cough BULLSHIT) well have fun dez, with julie, liz, sam, brandon, all your little best friends cause you can get a new b/f, i swear i could do better than this. a random person would HAVE to be better than this.. a bum off the god damn streets would love me more than you do.. would pay attention more.. would GIVE A SHIT.. but i've been replaced, she has everything she wants with liz and julie.. so she can fucking take it.

Night.

I have never had this bad of a nightmare.. everything clicked.. it was as crystal clear and vivid as real life.. i do not remember when i fell asleep.. or when i truly woke up.. but here it is.

Last night, i called dez, she was with her friends.. i dont truly want to know what they were doing.. but she sounded a bit off.. maybe high even.. im sure if she were high.. she wouldnt have answered the phone.. of if she was, she would have gotten off really quickly (she did). I dont remember falling asleep.. but i guess i did.. cause i called her a second time.. she picked up.. and it was suddenly the next day.. she was back at home.. i could hear bobbi, delmont, and her mom in the background.. i asked her "were you high last night" she said "yes.." i got uber mad.. then i asked "well what else havent you told me" and delmont in the background said "the years of cheating on you lol" and i heard him laugh about it.. so i asked her "oh so you cheated on me" dez said "yes.. lol" she laughed as well.. apperently all her family knew of it.. cause she was always with someone else.. as soon as she would get off the phone with me.. she would be back on the phone with someone else (that is true in real life mind you.) so anyway.. she said she had cheated on me with many many people throughout our relationship.. she said there were some guys, but most of them were girls.. she said there were about 35 to 40 in all.. she listed there names.. but now i can not remember them.. she still talked to sam nightly.. (no surprise, seeing as how she cant write 4 words without mentioning her) so i was on the phone with her in the deam.. i remember the realism.. she had said she has cheated on me for a long time.. and that im stupid for not seeing that.. they all had a laugh on the phone.. delmont, bobbi, all of them.. i hung up the phone.. but like the ass i am, i called back.. she picked up laughing and i said "i break up" she laughed.. i said "you dont care do you?.." she laughed again, and said "no chris, im already with someone else.. you think it matters?" (i can still feel that feeling.. i feel it as im typing this.. i pray this dosent keep happening) so she goes on.. about how it dosent matter.. and that now that i know the truth, i can move on and be happy.. as i was on the phone with her, i was taking down the calander of us.. and all the things she had given me.. i had tears in my eyes.. but made it sound like i was "ok".. she seemed very happy about it all.. seemed like things were just fine.. she even had a few more laughs about it.. then she started telling me the specifics.. she said one girl from mcdonalds liked her.. so she had sex with her.. and she made out with a bunch of people from there.. she is okay with it... seems everyone else was as well.. everyone was in on it, i felt like shit.. but anyway, back to the dream. she said "well you remember how i asked you about 3-ways?" i said "yes" she said "well i only asked cause i did one.. and i liked it.. i was thinking maybe when you came down, we could try one, but then i found out you werent into it" i asked "who would you have done it with" she said "well probably julie, since she is my best friend.. i have done one with her already, but when we do it, its usually more 1 on 1" i said "omg so when you spend the night there, your just fucking" she said "well we do watch porn, lol your so stupid".. i said "so the list must go on and on huh?" she laughed really loud and i could hear her sis and delmont laughing too, then she said "well yea.. i mean im young.. im supposed to be fucking around and stuff.. i just wanted you in the end.. for stablity and sperm" then i was just kinda silent on the phone.. my mom was walking around.. i knew she could see in my tears that this wasnt normal.. but she is smart and didnt say anything, just kept to herself and walked away.. i didnt even know what the hell to say even.. then i heard dez's mom come in the room.. she asked why they were all laughing and bobbi said "dez just told chris about all the others lol" then her mom said "ooo lol well im not getting into this one" then she either left, or just stayed quiet.. so i said "well i guess thats it.. and i see you wont care.. i hope you have a good li.." but as i was about to say life.. this feeling of.. well hate.. it was something im not accustomed too.. even in the worst of dreams.. where i slice through peoples skin with jagged knives.. or shoot people as i watch there head turn into a "JFK" but this hatered.. it was different.. for some reason.. i didnt want to hurt her physically.. i was almost too mad for that.. so my thought of "i hope you have a good life" had suddenly become "i hope you burn in the worst hell possible for all time" which i then said on the phone.. she laughed and said "well i bet its you that will live in hell for the next few years.. i already have another guy, and he is ok with me having sex with others.. and he can fuck whoever he wants.. i just want a baby and a house from him".. i hung up the phone.. then i took the knife from my pocket.. i knew i'd have to cut through the 4 tendants on the left bottom wrist, so i used the serrated part of the blade.. i remember how it felt.. it was so weird.. i could feel each snap as i cut through it.. my pinky lost feeling and couldnt move.. then ring finger.. then middle finger.. then index.. (so obviously i cut from left to right) the blood came out with my heart beat from my carpel arteries.. was warm but cold too.. then i had realized i never even explained how or why this happened.. i struggled to write something down with a pen before i passed out and took the ride.. so i wrote "I am forever sorry for what i have done to you all.. mom dad and friends.. you will always be in my heart.. look after taffy for me.. know that you had nothing to do with.." then i remember my eyes rolling back.. but i didnt want them too.. so i wrote "this" and i could remember feeling me writing it.. but i coudlnt see if it was on the paper or not.. then it went to black.. and i woke up with this annoying ass beeping.. i had thought "thank god, just a dream" (which is one of the best waking up in a dream i have ever had, i remember squinting because of the sun in the hospital room) but the beeping was a machine.. mom was standing there.. she looked so worried.. i felt like shit.. but no one knew why this had happened.. mom knew it was dez.. dad as well.. the rest.. they assumed.. they had heard me say things of dez in the past.. but they were not for sure.. so well.. i had felt very embarrassed.. ashamed.. i wanted the deed to be done now.. i truly didnt want to be alive.. i had lost what i wanted.. so i was just kinda done.. so i passed out for a bit.. then i came too.. and it was delmont.. (prviously i had no problem with him, but was pissed how he laughed at me) he said "sorry about what happened man.. i guess she just wasnt for you" i couldnt talk too well.. but i said "fuck you" he laughed.. he said bobbi did stuff with people all the time.. he said he was okay with it.. on the inside of my head.. i had a bit of a laugh.. because i knew there lighthearted love and feelings toward others would sink them bothin the end. but then i kinda faded out again.. or "passed out" i came too once again.. and there was no one in the room.. the clock to my left on the wall was analog.. and i could barely read it.. but i could tell it was around 3 am or so.. so i reached with my right hand (the only one that worked) and got this peice of plastic.. that was on the side of the bed.. i snapped it off.. and then i noticed how sharp it was.. so i moved the IV lines from my chest.. then i cut in "life is but a dream..." on my chest.. life is but on the top then a dream on the lower part.. with the 3 dots i stabbed the plactic in.. this time i was determined.. the first 2 hurt.. but i wasnt comfortable with them.. i knew i had punctured my lung with them, but the machine was starting to beep louder.. i was determined to die, i didnt want these fucking nurses to ruin it again. so the 3rd i rammed in as hard as i could.. it hurt like fucking hell.. then i twisted it.. around and around until i lost my strength.. so once again.. i faded.. but this one was different.. i couldnt quite hear the room.. but i could hear an odd.. distant rumble.. i dont know what it was.. so suddenly.. this light lit up.. it was the brightest thing i have ever seen.. it was the size of a golf ball, but it came out in a "cone" shape.. filled everything around me.. i had never seen something so bright and intense.. i thought it was odd.. because my eyes.. i didnt want to squint.. normally even a low light makes me squint until i can barely see.. but this light did not make me want to do that.. i had heard "walk towards the light" before.. but i couldnt walk.. i couldnt do anything but look around.. there was no one else there.. but i dont know if i was floating or what.. but i saw no floor.. no walls.. just.. went out from the light.. then i started to see this other light through the white light.. and this one made me squint.. (i think this was me actually waking up and seeing the dim light coming through the blinds) so then i woke up.. and sat up in my bed.. i looked at my wrist.. my chest.. nothing was there.. i first thought "thank god" but the dez memories of this dream came rushing in.. it was unbareable.. no one can understand that feeling.. it was.. aweful. so here i am.. awake.. typing this on my pc.. the world has not changed.. i realize it was a dream.. but i am scared at what truths there may be in this.. i dont know.. who does right? cant 100% trust anyone in this world.. all have the potential to lie.. all know how too.. trust no one right?.. *sigh* well dez called me when i was about half way through with this.. i guess im kinda pushing her away.. but i want too right now.. i cant fucking talk to her when she is with the "friends" cause everything i say, she needs to repeat to them.. drives me fucking insane.. i have enough in my mind right now without there little comments.. i know she will find this though, and link it out to the world lol, she is good at that.. wants the masses on her side.. then again she cant be alone.. if we were to break up today.. within the week she'd have a new one.. she is always on the phone.. on the net.. or hanging out.. no sense of independance.. but i suppose thats okay.. why have it when you dont need it? i mean honestly i wouldnt have it either if i hadnt grown up alone.. i dont fault her for that.. just sucks.. to realize how replacable you are.. and on top of that.. how close that comes sometimes.. cause i dunno.. she seems to STILL not know if picking me over sam was the right thing to do.. cant talk 2 fucking sentances without thinking of her truer love sam.. <3 so yea, im sure i'll catch some nice flak for this one, but i dont even care.. i almost just want her to break up before i do find parts of this dream true.. she hasnt joined mcdonalds quite yet.. so who the hell knows.. that part may still happen yea?.. i dunno.. i just dont think she loves me.. i think she needs me.. and thats all it is. i have 3 years of background, so she dosent have to explain much when she talks to me.. i think sexually she gets what she wants elsewhere.. she hasnt wanted sex from me lately.. not the past 2 days or so.. i just read her a bed time story and thats it.. i think she gets what she needs before she gets on the phone to talk to me anyway.. online.. but hey, what do i know.. well this story of my dream has lost some detail.. i made the mistake of taking a shower before hand.. (so i forgot a bit of it) and i talked to dez.. which put new shit in my mind.. and didnt want that.. i wanted this dream out of my head just like it was in my head still.. but it didnt work.. i think i have left out many things.. like since i have been writing this stuff after the dream thing, i have remembered a few things.. i remember hearing that annoying bird out my window as dez was telling me the "truth" in the dream.. but i left that out.. just now remembered that since i now hear that birdy.. *sigh* well i guess maybe later i can come back, read over and modify it if i remember more than that.. otherwise.. this is it for me..

Life is but a dream... (isnt that odd thats the line i chose to write into myself?.. almost as if something knew it was only a dream.. but i swear in the dream.. it seemed so real.. i never want to feel that again.. im truly scared of sleep right now.. i dont want to sleep.. i dont want to "chat" about it.. i just... i want something to replace this feeling.. but nothing seems to be doing it.. dez called just to yell at me for last night.. and get all defensive about me saying the "high" part of the dream.. IT WAS ONLY A FUCKING DREAM, CHILL. god im the one that had it! im the one that woke up sweaty and messed up.. not you... anywho, im out.. and regretting not saying "i love you" last night.. and also regretting not being nicer about this hole thing to her.. she has a right to defend it.. i know she is only trying to make things better.. but with that.. it makes things worse for me.. to repeat all i say to everyone staring at her talking to me.. *sigh* oh well.. i suppose i should call her back.. and appologize.. but i know the repeating problem will still be there.. so since moralez isnt here to ruin my emial plans.. i will email her.. that way i wont get distracted by the background people.

so.. dez said she made her choice.. between me and sam.. but has not went a day without saying how great sam is.. every single journal she has made since then is all about sam.. she will do whatever it takes to hold onto her.. playing the little guilt trips of "i knew you could move on.." and "i am sure your better off without me now.." knowing damn well that sam will comment through brandon about that... brandon.. another one i dislike.. he will do whatever it takes to keep dez and sam in contact.. oh well, it must work well.. cause they got her lol, more than i do.. i honestly believe that.. but she is not a possesion.. and you cant "make" someone love you.. its a choice.. just the time inbetween when they actually MAKE that choice and just go back and forth between to they love.. well thats hellish.. in all ways possible.. oh well.. seems this is the way things go.. you love.. then you lose.. im just so fucking done with it all though.. i truly am.. im just tired of it all.. if she wants sam.. i wish she could just go and get her ya know? its so half assed with all this "i choose you, but i will write about how much i love sam every day for the rest of my life" shit.. its just getting to me.. now she is talking to brandon and whoever else (dont wanna know) on yahoo.. but she went invisible and stopped responding to me lol.. good times.. does anyone else have this sort of relationship? or have they all killed themselves already?.. anywho.. suppose i did the same to her with sarah.. she just recently learned of the pics she sent me.. pissed her off.. but she never stopped to think how it feels when someone gets off to the other person.. no.. cause she is dez, she dosent have to think of me.. only think of her, cause her friends make her believe she is the only one in this relationship anyway.. no one even fucking knows my stories.. only ama.. she is the kindest soul i have ever met.. i take and take from that poor girl.. but she is always there for me.. *sigh* she deserves a better friend, thats for damn sure.. now she is BEST FRIENDS with julie.. i believe that julie dosent like dez in that manor.. but i do think dez likes julie like that.. seems its actually dez that is doing most of the work with them.. but what do i know.. i will not mention a thing.. just keep it to myself.. no reason to make her flip out again.. just not worth it.. i just never know if we will last or not ya know? seems every other day one of us is questioning our love.. and to me.. if your truly in love.. NONE of this shit would even be here.. no fucking to other people.. no flirting.. no wanting others.. no questioning.. no nothing.. just love.. maybe its the distance?.. i dunno.. maybe we are just made to fucking hate each other, but will not admit defeat... i dont know.. i honestly dont.. anywho.. more to come im sure..

To fix the unfixable.. she always has problems.. always has a problem with sarah.. she wrote a journal about her dead friends.. she has lost 2 friends, 1 ex, a cousin and a little brother that was stillborn.. she told me a long time ago that she named a star for each of them.. but she never once said "ill name a star for you chris" and she never told me those stars were named after anyone living.. dez seems to think it was all about me.. like sarah is as obsessed with me as dez is with her.. and i just dont think so.. i left her.. she said she was sad.. but said "if you are going to leave me, than i deserve better" and i said "thats the spirit kid" thats was it.. done and over.. but.. dez dosent seem to understand that.. not even a wee bit.. she sees me as maddly in love with her.. when IM MADDLY IN LOVE WITH DEZ!!! but.. even when i say that all the time.. she does not feel it.. she says "sometimes it feels that you dont" but.. that sometimes.. seems to me.. more of all the time.. i dont think i remember the last time she just said she was happy with us.. satisfied.. accepting of our problems.. and willing to work through them.. today she told me to return the plane tickets.. i dont know if she meant it or not.. i honestly think she does.. she said i would think of sarah when i was with her!.. that is so insulting to me.. never in my life would i think of anyone else BUT dez.. not when im here, sitting at my computer and ESPECIALLY not when im with her.. i thought that was so rude.. i just hate that i have absolutly 0 credibility with her.. 2 years of going out.. well 2 and a half almost.. and yet.. she has no credibility in us.. none whatsoever.. she can see one comment online.. or hear of one phone call.. and then i hear "you hate me" "you have always hated me, you have never had time for me" i talk to her more than i think to myself.. i speak to her more than i do jason.. more than i do my own parents.. more than i do ama or anyone from online.. more than pump.. more than jox, 50, and the guys.. i just.. why the hell wont she listen? she could read this entire thing.. and walk away thinking "well that means shit now, since he said ____" i dont know what the ____ would be.. but she'd have something to go there.. something to make whatever i say shit.. i hate that so much.. it really hurts my feelings.. she said "you hardly ever are the same as you are on emails" but.. you know why dez? its because just like tonight.. and every night i have done that for about the past 5 months.. when i write something.. you always call it worthless.. or how it means nothing now.. after we fight once.. you say what i said meant nothing.. and that truly hurts me.. i try to be as loving as i can in those emails.. i just try to be romantic.. and to put a smile on her face.. but.. it just dosent happen.. it always ends up meaningless.. so thats why i have just kinda stopped with it all.. she has written that so much though.. how my words mean nothing now.. and all that.. just hurts.. words are kinda all i have to express myself to her.. its all i got.. and when they turn into meaningless shit.. why keep writing it? why keep saying it? why call her beautiful.. when she hears none of it.. when she waits for linds and sam to call her beautiful.. anyone that will pay her attention on a site, she is on them like freaking glue.. saying how sweet they are.. and how they see her for what she is.. but when i see her as beautiful.. and perfect.. its like she is just.. hearing it from them.. i feel when i say it.. in her mind she is saying "sam said that better than you did" and you know what.. she might have.. i dont know.. sam loves dez.. dez loves her too.. they have fucked around a lot.. and i have seen only the tip of that.. the pm's they say would break my heart.. and i know it.. but.. i guess thats why im glad those are private.. the public ones break my heart lol.. if i saw the private one, i'd probably break up and do something really really stupid. anyway.. i just wish she would listen once.. instead of trying to make a point that has already been made.

Well.. things are going well i think.. i feel something is about to happen with me and dez.. we seem a bit distant.. but who knows.. i have been talking to amanda.. she is kinda the sarah counterpart.. only thing.. i feel so freaking bad for what i did to sarah.. i abandoned her.. i betrayed her.. i promised i wouldnt leave her as a friend.. i never thought id be asked not too talk to her.. you know? who the hell would ask such a thing?.. but i know who.. dez. im a bit resentful about that.. how she constantly hangs out with nathan.. cause she is desiree.. she can do whatever the hell she wants to do.. but me?.. hell no. Im absolutly screwed.. i broke the heart of my best friend, just to make dez a WEE bit happier.. and not to mention.. with sarah gone.. she is a bit better.. but no big difference.. she still has something wrong every night.. we still fight.. i hate that she can ask me to toss away a friend.. and i hate more.. that i did it. that shows im not a good person in the least.. im honestly not.. sarah never would have done what i did to her.. i emailed her last night.. she had said something about a hospital visit.. so you know.. wanted to make sure she is otay.. either way.. ill never stop thinking of her.. i will always hope she finds happiness.. i trust matt to always give that to her, just like i said i would.. but here i am.. being a total dick to her.. i hope she can forget about me.. move on and find a truer friend.. someone who wouldnt do what i did to her.. i think i proved she deserved a better best friend.. becuase someone who ditches them for the hell of it.. because there beyond jealous g/f asks them too.. well they deserve better.. im terribly sorry sarah.. i never meant to break your heart.. ever..