The noise of silence !
Saturday, October 22, 2011 10:29:58 PM
Fall is back and despite all the gorgeous pictures it brings, it is my favorite time of the year to get back to myself, to the essence of what I think is how to be a decent human being. Not a machine needing to be productive, not a tool for someone or something to make money of and specially not a follower of the mass.
And of course, no better place for this than by visiting the gorgeous parks around here, yeah, the ones where all those pictures were taken from. Sitting there, feeling and smelling those leaves, for so many, being dead things and for me, being sources of thoughts and memories. Always that moment of the year to reflect and yes, to try and figure out existential questions like those what ifs. One doesn't have to be buried in regrets to look at things of the past and enjoy. I always find it rather sane and even fun to look back and imagine, play with time and brain, a sort of daydreaming all under your own control.
So this time,I went for this walk following the listening of this great piece of speech from one of my favorite author, Brad Meltzer. Enjoy and take a little 15 minutes of your life to listen to him.
Some things in here I knew, having read or hear it in other contexts but the main purpose of the text will always ring true to me. To many times, you won't know in depth what you mean really for them as well as the other way around is also true. When are you really and truly say the bottom line. Sometime, the truth will come out once this person dies or vanish from your life but mainly, this will stay as hidden as the best secret ever. And in fact, what are we afraid of ?
So once fall is back and I still have life in me, not only do I do those long walks but I even do some cemetery visits, and no, I'm no freak at all, well, not this kind of freak anyway. The beauty of living in a relatively small place is also having almost all the dead in the same place. So as usual, pay a visit to grand ma, wish I had to stop by grandpas but never was even close to know any of them. Then I go to my dad's and even if I can't say he was such an inspiration or a role model, always find something to talk to him about. Kind of ironic since it was not such a big thing for me and my life, I always remember some kid telling me about the impact my dad had on him many years ago. So even with no real impact or memories in my life, I am always kind of proud to learn that he had some for others.
This special moment is always the moment where I realize once more how I had to deal with death at a young age. Because next stop is not far away, to Johanne's, who died at 15. Every year going by and I am still wondering what would have been her life like. Then it's Michel's , André's and Francois. And of course, I guess death breed death since I'm not able to forget those few times where it would have been about my own death I would have to think about. Few close calls, few stupid moves, many time saved by pure luck I guess for lack of a better understanding of life and destiny.
And then, some time left for those few but oh special persons who came and went in my life, some for no reason at all other than one time at a coffee shop, for something they said, something they taught me or whatever. And even fewer, as few as one person who gave me so much without even knowing it. Because like as in Meltzer's text, this person is not aware of that huge gift she gave me since I never took the time to tell her, wasn't even able to tell her as little as a simple thank you.
But you know, contrary to all those friends above that are dead so no chance at all for me to even tell them anything in any other ways than using one of my autunm walks, this last person is still alive, somewhere, I hope !