Simple Story

I'm tired. I was on my feet, pounding the pavement for a place to live.

I admit, I'm kind of an ass when it comes to thinking about people. My friends, I think of them time-to-time, wondering how they are doing but not nearly every day. Some times, not even every week. I feel horrible for it, probably why I have so few. Even my family is not totally immune to this personality trait.

My muses are a bit different. Lo, now more than other times in recent memory I'm worried about her, she's been sick, I know why, and though it's a burden, it's probably no where near what she's going through. I still care for her, after all these years, heh.

KLC, I've been wondering about her. Writing out everything today at the cafe left me trembling afterward. I was in a heightened state for a good half-hour, even when chatting with a friend on the phone. Literally, just shuttering a bit. I think about her a lot, she's mapped to my social habits. We have so many "inside" jokes, comments, thoughts, books, stories, etc that hardly an hour or two go by before I think about her. It goes, "Oh, man, I wanna call up KLC, who's not KLC anymore, who's... oh, man, well, maybe I can just call her up real quick," but I soon put that thought to bed.

There must be truth there before I can trust, before I can continue. I refuse the charade. The last time we spoke a few days ago she told me she had to write me an email... it hasn't come, I called her tonight to ask and she didn't answer.

And then there's Pippy.

My friends, my close confidants, my blog, my scribbles all see she's gone. I mean, they see that I still think about her, occasionally.

I think about her a bit more. Today, I thought of her a lot. She comes up at the oddest moments, I mean... when I was looking for a place to live I thought of her. What does she have to do with where I live? I'm never going to see her again and... It's ridiculous, I need to reign it in.

I think she still visits my dreams more than I'd want. I just have such an indelible mark on my heart from this silly girl. I was talking with a mutual friend of ours, she needed boy-advice (hopefully, I didn't let her down). I was talking with an online friend, her husband complaining about me. I find that when I'm trying to describe my perfect girl, I need only describe her. I need only describe my relationship with her.

This time last year I was actually out in LA, after having had a rooftop adventure for the Loveliest Princess Pippy. It makes me smile.

I'm not obsessing over her as I did when I lost Lo. No, this is far more... weird? Not exactly the most romantic explanation but it's just, why is she still on my mind, do I simply need a replacement girl? Ya know, need to find that spark with someone out here and I'll be fine? Maybe, but I also know I'm not out here for that. I sat next to a very cute girl at the cafe today, even struck up a brief conversation and she was too cool in return. I assessed what I could about her and decided it wasn't worth my time.

I've seen what I want and I really like it. I want my Princess and my brat, I want the best kiss ever and the girl who tells me that it's unsafe to drive around with a cracked windshield because it doesn't provide the same structual support (or something), I want the girl who sees trash, not hers and instinctively picks it up and who looks at me with the most precious eyes. The girl who I have to make fun of because she's just that out of line and who I can reassure when she's just that out of line.

Pippy wasn't perfect or anything, she was a girl afterall. She was a brat, she could be shallow, she could blow people off, she could hurt people and be completely unfuckingreasonable. She was a bitch to me when she didn't let me in her room when I sat outside her room freezing. (Though, I was kind of an idiot for deciding to climb a roof for a girl)

Is this growing up? Thinking about someone, still loving them but keeping the secret from everyone? Even yourself, eventually? I mean, I have to know I'm not going to see her again, these chills, tingles down my spine are just rememberances of something long gone.

She's probably totally over it. Our big goodbye an email about how her boyfriend would be pissed and how I didn't care and her text message apology and my lame response. How come I didn't capture her heart like she captured mine? -- Oh that's a bad game.. I shan't even acknowledge the question, it's unanswerable by me, I'm too biased, some third party perhaps could give the truth.

Perhaps it was simply that she made me feel like Prince William, the charming, irresistable and unstoppable force and I didn't succeed in giving her a similar feeling.

Damn, I speculated anyway. I could delete it but I tend to "write with a pen" when I write here, I'll clean up statements that really don't make sense and even run spell check but interrupting the stream of conciousness seems disingenious (yeah, I'm gonna definitely spell check that last one).

I guess, I'm asking myself, is this normal. In January it'll be a year since our last kiss (or was it Feb... damn, I'm such a guy... No definitely Jan.) Her high heels through the snow to my car. Perhaps it's simply that I'm all too willing to be entwined with such a worthy girl. I mean, she's the kind of girl I would never mind taking anywhere. Not to the parents, not to friends, not to family, not to the height of social paradigms or the bar down the street. I'd take her hiking, skydiving, trains, hell, we could blast off to the moon ("Will... I can't believe you made me goto the moon. What kind of shopping is on the moon? Seriously, these don't look like Gouchi space boots.")

Worst of all, it feels right to keep it a secret. To not admit it, maybe this shall go the way of the private post...

I guess it's normal, I found a great thing and I still want it. I'm usually so confident when it comes to her. Normally, I'd say, yes, she's definitely thinking about me. Probably right now actually, well, okay right now she's probably just dreaming about me but tomorrow morning, I'll pop up... ya know, when she's brushing her hair.

Maybe I'll believe that line, right? Maybe she's clutching her pillow and mumbling my name right now. That's way better than believing she's dreaming of her boyfriend or some other guy. Besides, what are the odds that I'll ever see her again?