Simple Story

Well, I know I've all but abandoned this little forum of Internet word meanderings.... but I am still here.

I suppose I haven't been able to face this side of myself lately. Hiding perhaps?

In any case, I just got hit in the gut again. My favoritist little munchkin, the soul that makes my eyes twinkle from her reflection, informed me of what I have long suspected as true. I'm not sure which is worse, always being this form of right or failing to appreciate it emotionally.

She confirmed that Lo and J are on track to be married... something I had been saying since January (at least, if not before) based on my extensive knowledge of the girl and human relationships. I wish I could get a Doctorate in it. It's unfair that we assume Doctors are so skilled and yet, they earn a title through a socially acceptable method, and so we grant them a certain authority on a subject.

It was a gut punch. Rather unexpected gut punch. As my mind had been well aware of this possibility for many months, yet here was the shred of evidence to indicate my hypothesis was correct.

It also explains why she has been so distant the past month. The exact time that my munchkin said things have become "weird" -- weird as in, discussing getting another dog together, buying a house together and yes... getting married.

I make an excellent observer of the human species but damn I do a poor job of interacting for the betterment of myself. I could do it. I may, very well, have to do it soon but it feels cheap.... like I'm stepping down into the sloshy, disgusting mess that is existence, to toil... to cause pain... to cause joy. Not that I don't do these anyway, but to much less degree.

I haven't had a girl crush on me in a year, like a real crush... passing attraction, sure. Let alone a girl who thrives on my very presence. Nor have had a real great management position or led in a way befitting my knowledge. In short, I'm playing dumb.

Ugh, I shan't let this turn into a tirade against my inept existence.

I feel pierced by this piece of news... even if the munchkin hadn't sworn me to secrecy I'd have no reason to talk to Lo about it, as of late she's limited our discussion to her schooling and professional life, completely ignoring any possibility of discussing her personal feelings. Leaving me to guess... and guess correctly.

I'm sure she feels she is sparing me, but really the distance is what will end our friendship. That hurts, I could get over her marrying some stupid guy, even over my very legitimate concerns. Her cutting me out of her personal life, though, that is irreconcilable damage to a friendship.

We'll remain "family-esque friends" -- no doubt, and I think she'll continue to provide support for certain endeavors that I request her help on. However, that personal connection we've had for years will dissipate as she let's go. And I don't want to let go.

Guess I'm afraid of that. Very afraid of losing that friendship, of losing that support. It's disappointing... the girl I almost married, getting married to another guy.

Well.... it's not like I'd deserve her anyway. I fell for Pippy, oh so completely, I couldn't see past her white washed net, trapping me and drawing me in.

Numbness. That's what I've been longing for but this wakes up that inner spirit which longs to escape to do something. I feel crazy, I feel like running and jumping up and down and screaming... for lack of the focus and clarity to do something that matters, that would help.

Oh, Lo. I love you. You silly, silly girl. Oh, boy.

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