Tuesday, October 29, 2013 2:19:01 AM
So ... last week during my sleep deprivation I declared my definite desire for the girl, we shall call her MJ, though that is not her name (she writes her name with a heart, because that is somehow informative).
I feel like this story repeats in my life and I find it infuriating - I spent time figuring out how I could make an approach, coming up with an idea, different excuses to talk to her, a plan to be her group partner but despite all my planning and last minute ditch -- I couldn't get a break. It's frustrating, like playing a game of baseball but having no idea which direction to run on the bases. I'm all... uh, oh, uh... yah, let's try that way! and fuck all.
I was going to write about it but I feel too shitty. I guess the problem wasn't that I wasn't exactly shot down but it seemed likely that I would be so I hesitated and you know what they say about he who hesitates...
I need a new game plan but my playbook is empty - someone suggested I should just write her a note, "Do you like me? circle one a. 'yes' or b. 'yes'" The desperation I'm feeling made me think that wasn't too bad of an idea.
I think Plan B may be coming up with something cool to goto and asking her on Wednesday -- and then, after that last, best effort, accept the inevitable (whatever that may be).
Saturday, October 26, 2013 6:51:43 PM
I'm trying to do weekly reviews. Ya know, make sure in the hardcore rush of things that I don't lose sight... that's one of my bigger fears, I end up as one of those (many) people who seem to wander the world as zombies, they've lost sight of their humanity and have become amoebas that simply respond to simple stimuli, never seeing beyond their own skin.
I grant we are all machine-like, we all respond to stimuli, to situations that determine who we are over time but we can choose to see beyond the immediate problems and have longer term goals.
For me, this was a crushing week. Sunday I was working on a big work project and then a big homework assignment. Didn't get as much sleep as I wanted and I remember thinking, "It's okay -- as soon as I do this tomorrow then I'll be able to relax on Tuesday, just some work stuff, catch up on sleep."
And then every teacher decided it was time for a homework assignment! Woot! That's right... one teacher assigned 2 to 3 page paper, another a 1 page paper, the a mid-term Wednesday. Ugh... Unfortunately, Tuesday night I lost the key to my motorcycle (hole in pocket, I suspect). Worse, it wasn't until my evening class was over and I had spent 30 minutes researching in the library that I realized it! At 9pm I began the desperate search for my key. The library, emptying my entire backpack and every pocket, having the campus police unlock my classroom, and retracing all my steps..... no luck.
It was 10pm by this point and I couldn't find anyone willing to come pick me up from my stranding on the campus.... As if you need a reminder that you have no friends when you're having one of those lovely kind of terrible evenings.
So I was left to the bus.... cue the horror music. Unfortunately, I live just far enough away that I have to take two buses and a train. I had missed my connecting bus, so the scheduler told me I was going to have to wait 45 minutes and wouldn't be home till midnight. At this point, I considered walking but it would have been about the same amount of time (and maybe I could work on homework while waiting - which is what I did).
It took till midnight to get home and because I had worked the whole day I hadn't done much of my homework (I had started it on Monday).
So... I worked till 5:30am, when I went to bed and then got up at 6:00am, I had a meeting with a Prof that morning, so I had to catch an early bus. I arrived on campus with a half-hour of sleep, a shower, a desperate need for coffee and a spare key. I went straight to my bike (on the off-chance I had locked the key inside the underseat compartment, I hadn't) and then into a meeting where I was mostly delirious.
My discussion with the Professors was completely fruitless and even a waste of time -- except she like many women, unfortunately, equate face-time with good-feelings, so it may pay off in the long run... but I doubt it. She likes the sound of her own voice - a terrible trait in an educator, who needs to be acutely attuned to listening to their charges.
The rest of the day was equally dizzying. Non-stop till about 3pm, when I tried to find a quiet place on campus to catch a little sleep... then Gator finally called (she had been MIA) and I was all, gotta talk to the Gator.
After that I was back in, went to the library to study, where the fire alarm prompted an evacuation about 10 seconds after I sat down. I ran into friends in the courtyard (I also temporarily took a 'DO NOT REMOVE FROM THE LIBRARY' book outside... cause, ya know, rescuing it from the fire). After the alarm turned off people streamed back in and then it turned on again - everyone evacuated and it went off and on-again about 18 more times (apparently they couldn't figure out how to work the alarm system?).
Then another class with my current Crush, this Asian-with-Attitude Super Cutie. I want this girl.
Or at least to get to know her... we'll see.
I'm still bumming. Last night was rough, luckily Ew Bug called and after she had her whine-fest we actually had a constructive conversation about writing.
As for the review?
I don't working so hard when I feel like our chance of success is minimal.
We're not making real progress.
The way I see it, there are three kinds of jobs - 1. Work your ass off, because if it's successful you'll be wildly successful and maybe never have to work as hard again in your life. 2. Work steady - your hard work will never pay off more or less in a meaningful way (there are a lot of jobs where they expect you to work like crazy but you don't get to partake in the big pay-offs, so why the fuck would you ever do such a thing?). 3. The, this job is terrible, this company doesn't care or is headed for bust so -- make the best of it and work as little as possible.
Those might seem ethically dubious but that's because you've never worked in a corporate office. When you see your boss works only when he wants to and takes 3 week fishing trips to the Caribbean, uses the private jet for personal adventures and then labels those BUSINESS EXPENSES because he brought along a fellow corporate CEO or spent 1 day at a trade industry convention and 10 at the hotel partying then you realize the system might be a little rigged.
That was a rude awakening. Any business that isn't small, in the family, where all the employees have visibility with the owner is subject to these different rules.
It's not that I'm against corporations and big business -- I'm against using individual employees to enrich a small precious few when everyone is working equally as hard. That is what a lot of corporate America engages in currently - not everyone - but many.
This has little to do with my current situation except I can't tell which of those situations I'm in. It is frustrating.
I am lacking clarity.
Not sure how best to find it.... maybe a break from the computer for a day would help? I'm not sure but since it is the first idea to pop into my head we'll give it a go for tomorrow (I still have work I must get done today).
As far as the long-term. Still lacking clarity. I need to figure out my school stuff in more detail.
Sunday, October 20, 2013 3:28:46 AM
This piece totally echoes my thoughts when I heard about the $13-billion
fine against JP Morgan.
The idea that a corporation is a person that can feel bad about losing $13-billion is so ridiculous it makes bears riding bicycles seem normal.
Think of it this way. You start a club of gamblers, you agree to chip in some money, along with other people, to this club.
Then you all go to Vegas, make millions cheating the system -- let the good times role! Then you go back, and you get caught. The club loses lots of money and gets in trouble with a big fine.... but no one in the club is punished for all their bad behavior. Sure, they lost money they invested in the club but nothing else happened
It's disgusting. $13-billion doesn't teach anyone a lesson about ripping off the American people.