But it is here....
Just opened a show tonight, not a huge part but still fun. I wish I had had more time to prep, to work the show, to rehearse but our time is up and here we are.
It's really an honor to get to perform, to be chosen as an actor to tell a story - and then for an audience to sit there and watch you, watch you say these fake words meant to betray some deep truths.
We were "reviewed" by some sort of theatre prof this evening, it was unusual but interesting. She didn't like our show - not because of us, per se, but rather because she didn't like the playwriting.
But that doesn't matter because before I had to sit there and listen to her pan our performance I had been walking back to the theatre from walking my friend half-way to the bus stop. This guy, that I've never seen, stops me and asks if I was in the show. I said, "yeah." And he goes, "That was great man," and shaking my hand as he continued away he said, "brought up feelings."
It's a bit of an emotional show - has some tense moments - but to hear that (and that he wanted to come back tomorrow night) was fantastic. It was such a guy way to say it -- just 'feelings' -- that pain that comes with losing something you hold dear. A universal and ... that ... not some professor's review is what feeds me.
Feelings. Reaching through the facade and feeling it.
That's the whole damn point - even with stories that teach us a lesson, we remember the lesson if we feel it. After getting that critique I was leaving the theatre and a woman, a mother of another performer, heaped on the personal praise. It was sweet, not really her praise but rather that she paid attention. She had seen our preview night and tonight and she liked the nuance, the changes.
Someone notes it.
As I feel I improve in my performance, the less sort of self-aware I am. It's more like riding a roller-coaster, you remember the ride but you don't quite feel in control of it -- still thrilling, though.
I do love acting. That kind of acting, when we're all working toward that common purpose, where I can stay with it the whole time, where I really embody this guy who's been through this experience and he, for a few minutes on stage, comes alive for other people so they can do what they can't really do in real-life: They can feel through him, they can understand him and maybe, just maybe, a bit about themselves and others.
That's the compelling part. It's great.
It's been a tough road to get here, school is very rough, work is very rough, I have some money but none of it is really mine - it will be spent shortly - and I'm fighting a lot of battles. Not to mention recently finding out that my Ew Bug, a trusted friend, may be once again lying to me. I don't want to ride that particular wave until the show is done but I don't want to hear about lies. Not really. I know, to a certain extent we all perceive the world differently and perhaps you could argue that we all lie to ourselves and to others but there is a difference between bias and failures in perception and active deception.
It would be very unfortunate if my suspicion were true. I don't have anyone else who could fill that gap, who could be a friend quite like that.
I have been chatting with Gator a bit more but that's always a "tentative" sort of thing, she's a bit more ethereal, a bit out of reach. She just gets caught up in her life and I'm still glad we talk at all, her voice is soothing like a harp and violin made a musical-instrument baby and it has learned to sing like a siren of old. Enticing those drowsy sailors with a song unheard till then. And then she gets sick and is more like a flat wind-up organ.
In other words, she just makes me smile.
Still haven't figured much else out. No girl in my life, no high paying job, no adventures to speak of, and can't say much except I've gained some more weight (it's as if food becomes much stickier the older you get) and don't have as many girls notice me as I once may have.
Haven't changed the world yet...