Simple Story

2:17am in Hollywood.

Just got back from a few drinks with my ... actor buddies.... my classmates. And a straight out rejection.

The worst part about rejection is that it sucks. I tried pi... Well, I... Ugh. There was the most beautiful blonde girl at the bar, she was one of those over-animated girls who was obviously way smarter than she played. And she looked at me as I headed into the bathroom and I looked at her... and then when the girl finally was extracted from all her guys, standing by herself. I talk to her and invite her over and she straight up... ignores me.

Obviously I must have said something wrong, "Hey cute blonde girl standing over there," sincerely, as she was these things. "Come join us," we were a group of females and males just laughing and chatting and she looked away from me. This is why girls suck -- not because they reject me -- BUT THEY LEAD ME ON -- I thought for sure she was showing some interest by not breaking eye contact, by looking at me, etc...

BUT, I was wrong... I open the door and SLAM. To top it off, not even a glance goodbye. It was total, complete rejection.................... which wouldn't bother me if I hadn't thought she had shown some small interest. I mean, as she was waiting for her guys (the bar was shutting down and they both went into the bathroom) she could have just stayed waiting at the bar but she came and stood near us.

BUT NO. "I know I looked at you every time you went by me and didn't break eye contact. I know I was surrounded by guys and had them all hooked from go and could have totally ignored you. I know I had time to check you out and reject you by not looking at you when you came out of the restroom. BUT, really, I just wanted to lead you on."

My request to girls out there... IF YOU AREN'T INTERESTED, DON'T PLAY EYE HOCKEY!

Seriously, you get like 2 free checkouts. Make them count because after that, I think you might be a touch interested. Not, "take me now, I want you so bad" or "fuck me please" but -- I might like to talk to you interested. That's it! Maybe a phone number and a name... or maybe a name... email?

I...

fail.

I wonder if she gets off on it? Ya know, getting guys who are terrified of talking to her to talk and then shutting them down faster than a Cheetah sitting on a rocket. I mean, I went out on a ledge in front of my classmates. I knew I couldn't wait, I risked rejection in front of my friends and she blows me off.

Could we be crueler? Meaner?

Probably, but not without a drink to throw in your hand.

my rant is done, I guess.... I just wish girls I think are smart looking, pretty and who might find me even the slightest bit cute weren't so cruel when I tried to talk to them. I wasn't asking for marriage, just a conversation. She literally, looked away from me and ignored me, as if I hadn't existed.

Far worse than, "No, sorry, gotta wait for my boyfriend," or whatever.

Ouch.

And this after....

My big acting note from tonight, from a brilliant class mate, "embrace your creepiness" -- a sort of epic note after my classmate noted, "having hung out with you outside of class it was surprising to find out you were a normal guy."

And... Brit

Oh, she's... a bit of a problem. Outright -- she reminds me of Pippy -- I didn't realize how much until tonight. She's stunningly beautiful, smart, witty, cute, and very socially savvy.


I miss Pippy, so meeting Brit, who "is so comfortable" with me, from the beginning, is strange. She has many familiar qualities. I threw some random things out there that I knew of dear Pippy (can we strike the dear?) and it was spot on.

Before I go on too long, Brit has a LT BF and that means off limits but it's difficult to look her in the eye and have these conversations when I see ....

And the rest of the notes?

Energy, crazy, maniacal, perfectionist, normal, creepy, energy, fighting, wanting it, sharing, crazy energy.

In other words... I'm crazy?

I don't know. I didn't realize I was so "creepy" -- I never thought of myself that way. Never realized I came of that way and here I find out that I creeped the hell out of my friend's daughter when I said Hi to her because her mother told me to at a performance. *I* was the "creepy" guy that she saw.

I'm not sure if I can express how much that hurt. cut. but... whatever

She didn't mean it in a mean way and she knows I would never have said Hi if she hadn't insisted.

But it was still... difficult to hear.

Frankly, I want to get the girl. The Pip and being creepy sure as fuck doesn't help that particular process. I want to be an actor but being permanently typecast as the badguy sure isn't fun. Let's be honest, it may be shallow but more people like the hero than the badguy. It's simple math. Being hated -- eh?

It was a long day. Spending most of it making sure a movie star's presents are shipped properly and packaged and etc. etc. etc. You might think working for a movie-star would be stressful, you'd be right because they have a LOT of freakin' presents to send all over the damn world.

And tomorrow? More of the same. 8 hours of working as a little Elf to a movie-star. It's a job, I'm thankful but it's also quite stressful for minimum wage.

What a day. I wish I had a better log of it, from early morning hello to my roomie, to going into work and not having DH come in (so we could spread out), to trying to get a job at Apple, to getting my foodstamps reinstated after they were wrongfully terminated, to working our assess off to make sure it went out as quickly as possible but as correctly as possible, to class where I had to listen to my classmates critique -- and i critiqued back, to a bar time with them (which was unquestionably fun), to hearing about suicide from CA and BJ and having to rush to the background so I could slump to the floor and cry... goddamn, afterall these years, still... to getting a total hot rejection by this very lovely, charming and beautiful looking blonde girl. To... to the 12 police cars that went speeding down Olympic Blvd at 2am. (I think it was Olympic)

To... crawling into my little apartment bed alone after taking off the loud plastic bag being whipped around by the wind outside on my balcony.

To... you, you who read this far into my crazy thoughts. My little Gator's day just ended and though I can't tell her, I thought about her and hoped her day was good. She's a lil angel and as much as I give her a hard time, she deserves the best. Not to be coddled but... as her post-it note directive said to me. Loved. (had to look it up).

I may not be good at a lot of things... life included but I haven't yet messed that up and it gives me some small joy.

Okay, this post as turned into some sort of pity fest... blahblahblahblah bullshit.

To... ending long-winded posts with a simple:

Good Night.

Yum

Today I went shopping for Gator. It was frustrating, first, I'm a little late on continuing my shopping adventure (her Bday is soon and I have to account for shipping). I've been in a dozen stores already, searching for a dress for her. It turns out finding a dress for a young lady leaving pure childhood innocence but far from being a sexual creature is very, very difficult.

It's as if there is simply a jump from "cutesy, little girl" to "full blown vixen" for casual dresses. Always easy to find fairly conservative gowns but I didn't want a gown. I wanted a dress that reflected she wasn't a little girl anymore but not a woman. And being a protective sort, nothing too sexy.

I discovered that many dresses emphasize female cleavage. Obviously, I notice the results of these dresses but I never noticed it so apparently when just looking at the dresses without the... rest. So, no strapless, and I didn't want anything red or black and nothing too short. But still with more sex appeal than a Baptist School cheerleader uniform (past your knees -- and I think it was made out of wool), she is after-all very trendy.

I plowed through hundreds of dresses (not counting the online searching), quickly determining they were WAY too sexy or emphasized the chest area way too much (which is developing but still, I don't want boys looking there yet). I mean, I had no idea it would be so difficult to find this sort of dress. I thought for sure that within the first store or two I'd find something that was appropriate for a newly minted teenager, my lil sis. Not so much....

I've made three outings in this endeavor. The first one, an utter failure -- every dress was either too casual, too dressy or too "boys do me." The second attempt was mostly more of the same. My third attempt, at a bigger mall was more successful and I found dresses I liked but I fear they were much too big for her.

So... At the urging of my female friends I was forced to make a concession. Jewelry. Ugh. Not at all what I had wanted. Far less personal and far from being my first choice. I found a necklace I really liked that I thought reflected nicely on my little munchkin and then a backup necklace that I thought she'd like better. (This is a boy thing, one of my girl-friends asked why I didn't get a bracelet to accessorize. I merely responded, "I'm a boy" -- the idea of accessorizing is about as foreign to me as size 0).

It's a bit of an odd balancing act. I want to get her what she wants but I also want to get her something I'd like on her, because even if she doesn't like it, I'll still be pleased with my choice. If you play the "guess what they like and fit in and won't complain about" game, it usually ends badly.

I know this because it was a problem I had with Lo. I'd attempt to buy her something (a dress, a necklace, a bracelet, really amazingly cute panties, bras, socks, even food) and she'd always be very sweet about it but then... it wouldn't fit, or it would have been better if you got this (because it was cheaper, more trendy, a better fit, more desirable, went with more outfits, etc.), or whatever other little slight problem (in the case of food it was "it doesn't taste good, I'm allergic to it, it has too many calories, it as too much of the wrong kind of fat, it contains processed sugar, it contains artificial sweetner, it is ucky"). Don't get me wrong, she "appreciated" it -- but I always felt intimidated shopping for her because she'd always have some problem with it.

This mostly resulted in me not shopping for her but shopping with her, as a sort of gift of time, and then buying what she liked (when I actually could afford such a luxury). But this isn't the same as giving someone a heart-felt gift based on your own gut. There were times I just wanted to buy a necklace for the girl and have it be... well, perfect. Whether she liked it or not.

I find I do better in life when I make these choices. Where I get good advice, appropriate advice and then do what I really believe is right. Then, even when I'm wrong, I can live with it better because it was my choice. My failure.

Part of me still wants to go get the dress I really liked, not because it's the right thing, necessarily, but to prove to myself I'm not chickening out of doing what I really want. But, that's childish. The necklaces I got were far less expensive and far more sensible for my budget. Heh.


And then there was the flying....

Yes, while a meandering, through holiday shoppers. All of a sudden there was some bit of commotion. I stepped quickly forward and found a show, quite torrid. Shocked by the motion of human contortion.

Men and women who sheer strength and grace overcome gravity with the help of some cloth, wires and rings. It looks very difficult and effortless. I've never seen a show with aerialists quite like this. I've seen people dancing on the side of a building, it was quite amazing but this was different. Floating there in the mall were these enchanting performers. It was a treat for the eyes, watching them overcome gravity in interesting ways.

Yes, much of what they were doing were simple dance moves or aerobatic type moves that things that done close to the ground will quickly lose their appeal but done 40ft up in the air and it's quite a show.

I haven't been to the circus in a while but I forgot how intriguing it is to watch those antics. There was a little girl there I knew and her face just lit up as the show began, even though she'd seen it all before. Just the idea of "flying" through the air like that was inspiring.

I agree with her sentiments and recommend, if you have the chance, visiting the Beverly Center or any other "flying" center to be reminded of those dreams of flying.

Yum
who apologizes for the lackluster ending... he got really tired near the end... time to go fly through some dreams