Wednesday, January 28, 2009 10:40:39 PM
I don't usually take the time to describe my sexual fantasies, they are pretty personal but more-or-less just rather usual. Not really noteworthy, just random hot girls I interact with or who have some attraction. Some months I'm inclined toward visual aids (god bless the Internet... ?) and don't rely on my imagination.... as much.
I do have a terrible habit even using the Internet, dependent on mood, of course, of going into my mind. Drawing on personal experiences. For example, dear LJ who recently texted me out of the blue. She had a birthday on the 25th and she was eager to share with me how she "wasn't a little girl and wasn't when I knew her before" -- I'm not sure about the veracity of the statement but she was convinced of it... enough to convince me? In any case, I have always been attracted to her. She's very pretty, I met her doing a show... we never had to kiss or anything but we had to spend one whole scene with our eyes locked to eachother's. It was a very clear directive from our otherwise very crazy director.
He was crazy... oh, jeez, that's a whole post right there. I know he didn't mean to be, he just came off that way.
So, this whole scene, I looked down into her beautiful eyes and she looked up at mine. We were supposed to "look in love" -- madly in love. So, it was awkward. Especially when you have some attraction there anyway. I could never tell if she really felt a strong attraction to me, something casual sure but could I have taken her in my arms and kissed her? Not so sure. But this out of the blue text reminded me of those old fantasies of mine and I admit they are so much more alluring and pleasing than most of what I can download with a few mouse clicks.
She's popped up recently.
But the worst must be Pippy. She used to ruin perfectly good fantasies about other girls. Seriously, I'd be so close to getting off and all of a sudden, "Pippy. WTF are you doing here?" and the unspoken answer was usually along the lines of "finishing the job" -- It was annoying to lose control of my thoughts like this. Luckily, as of late, she's taken a break from ruining my fantasies.
Not that she wasn't the subject of her very own fantasies. Thankfully, they didn't start right away with her. She was so 'not an option' that I didn't consciously fantasize about her. Sure I'd dream about her, even once her sister (weird, I know) but it wasn't till after we kissed (I think) that I dared to use her as the object of my fantasies.
And was she ever hot.
Taking her in her bed, after scaling the walls of her family castle, smoothly, passionately. Or that awesome bathroom on the estate where we first met, it had a huge mirror and she was wearing such a lovely dress. Her hands pressed against the mirror, too passionately attracted to each other after we first met to contain ourselves. Everyone else outside as we...
It was nice.
Though, I think my favorite and the one I feel guiltiest about... well, it's not like it ever happened, so I suppose there is no harm in sharing and since any chance of us together is so-long-gone...
Her legs, I discovered her legs, I must have wrote about it, so profound was there effect on my psyche.
How often that night, pressing my chest, my body to hers against her kitchen table. Holding her in my arms and promising she wouldn't have to "just dream about me holding her as she falls asleep" at night. Her very short, shorts and my very long kiss.
So forbidden. So I forbade myself ... thank god she didn't unleash her full gaze on me. Had she simply said, "please" -- I think I would have been gone. I had tied up my desire for her so tightly that it wanted to spring, to pounce to push her down onto the table kissing her. My hands through her hair, pulling her neck back so I could see those dazzling eyes in between desperate breaths shared not with the open air but with each other.
Accidentally knocking down the flower centerpiece and freezing, listening for her parents up stairs before continuing a desperate hunt to drown the desire, to quench this thirst.
It's a little trashy, don't you think? Just doing a girl on her kitchen table, simply losing control of myself and holding her tightly, holding her down and taking her all the ways I wanted? It seems so, I always feel guilty about that particular one, because I really did want to take her at that moment. I absolutely, without a doubt wanted to feel her.
Looking back, I think she would have let me, and... well, I wish I had.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008 8:22:03 AM
I'm tired. I was on my feet, pounding the pavement for a place to live.
I admit, I'm kind of an ass when it comes to thinking about people. My friends, I think of them time-to-time, wondering how they are doing but not nearly every day. Some times, not even every week. I feel horrible for it, probably why I have so few. Even my family is not totally immune to this personality trait.
My muses are a bit different. Lo, now more than other times in recent memory I'm worried about her, she's been sick, I know why, and though it's a burden, it's probably no where near what she's going through. I still care for her, after all these years, heh.
KLC, I've been wondering about her. Writing out everything today at the cafe left me trembling afterward. I was in a heightened state for a good half-hour, even when chatting with a friend on the phone. Literally, just shuttering a bit. I think about her a lot, she's mapped to my social habits. We have so many "inside" jokes, comments, thoughts, books, stories, etc that hardly an hour or two go by before I think about her. It goes, "Oh, man, I wanna call up KLC, who's not KLC anymore, who's... oh, man, well, maybe I can just call her up real quick," but I soon put that thought to bed.
There must be truth there before I can trust, before I can continue. I refuse the charade. The last time we spoke a few days ago she told me she had to write me an email... it hasn't come, I called her tonight to ask and she didn't answer.
And then there's Pippy.
My friends, my close confidants, my blog, my scribbles all see she's gone. I mean, they see that I still think about her, occasionally.
I think about her a bit more. Today, I thought of her a lot. She comes up at the oddest moments, I mean... when I was looking for a place to live I thought of her. What does she have to do with where I live? I'm never going to see her again and... It's ridiculous, I need to reign it in.
I think she still visits my dreams more than I'd want. I just have such an indelible mark on my heart from this silly girl. I was talking with a mutual friend of ours, she needed boy-advice (hopefully, I didn't let her down). I was talking with an online friend, her husband complaining about me. I find that when I'm trying to describe my perfect girl, I need only describe her. I need only describe my relationship with her.
This time last year I was actually out in LA, after having had a rooftop adventure for the Loveliest Princess Pippy. It makes me smile.
I'm not obsessing over her as I did when I lost Lo. No, this is far more... weird? Not exactly the most romantic explanation but it's just, why is she still on my mind, do I simply need a replacement girl? Ya know, need to find that spark with someone out here and I'll be fine? Maybe, but I also know I'm not out here for that. I sat next to a very cute girl at the cafe today, even struck up a brief conversation and she was too cool in return. I assessed what I could about her and decided it wasn't worth my time.
I've seen what I want and I really like it. I want my Princess and my brat, I want the best kiss ever and the girl who tells me that it's unsafe to drive around with a cracked windshield because it doesn't provide the same structual support (or something), I want the girl who sees trash, not hers and instinctively picks it up and who looks at me with the most precious eyes. The girl who I have to make fun of because she's just that out of line and who I can reassure when she's just that out of line.
Pippy wasn't perfect or anything, she was a girl afterall. She was a brat, she could be shallow, she could blow people off, she could hurt people and be completely unfuckingreasonable. She was a bitch to me when she didn't let me in her room when I sat outside her room freezing. (Though, I was kind of an idiot for deciding to climb a roof for a girl)
Is this growing up? Thinking about someone, still loving them but keeping the secret from everyone? Even yourself, eventually? I mean, I have to know I'm not going to see her again, these chills, tingles down my spine are just rememberances of something long gone.
She's probably totally over it. Our big goodbye an email about how her boyfriend would be pissed and how I didn't care and her text message apology and my lame response. How come I didn't capture her heart like she captured mine? -- Oh that's a bad game.. I shan't even acknowledge the question, it's unanswerable by me, I'm too biased, some third party perhaps could give the truth.
Perhaps it was simply that she made me feel like Prince William, the charming, irresistable and unstoppable force and I didn't succeed in giving her a similar feeling.
Damn, I speculated anyway. I could delete it but I tend to "write with a pen" when I write here, I'll clean up statements that really don't make sense and even run spell check but interrupting the stream of conciousness seems disingenious (yeah, I'm gonna definitely spell check that last one).
I guess, I'm asking myself, is this normal. In January it'll be a year since our last kiss (or was it Feb... damn, I'm such a guy... No definitely Jan.) Her high heels through the snow to my car. Perhaps it's simply that I'm all too willing to be entwined with such a worthy girl. I mean, she's the kind of girl I would never mind taking anywhere. Not to the parents, not to friends, not to family, not to the height of social paradigms or the bar down the street. I'd take her hiking, skydiving, trains, hell, we could blast off to the moon ("Will... I can't believe you made me goto the moon. What kind of shopping is on the moon? Seriously, these don't look like Gouchi space boots.")
Worst of all, it feels right to keep it a secret. To not admit it, maybe this shall go the way of the private post...
I guess it's normal, I found a great thing and I still want it. I'm usually so confident when it comes to her. Normally, I'd say, yes, she's definitely thinking about me. Probably right now actually, well, okay right now she's probably just dreaming about me but tomorrow morning, I'll pop up... ya know, when she's brushing her hair.
Maybe I'll believe that line, right? Maybe she's clutching her pillow and mumbling my name right now. That's way better than believing she's dreaming of her boyfriend or some other guy. Besides, what are the odds that I'll ever see her again?
Saturday, November 8, 2008 10:09:19 AM
Lo's pregnant. No it's not mine. Psha.
And yet, that speaks to part of the problem, the desire for it to be. Odd indeed... I feel the bitterness welling. She sprung it on me tonight, had no clue it was coming. She's had close calls, I've heard about them all and then all of a sudden tonight, just before I was about to go she tells me. Of course, I know her well enough to know she isn't joking, isn't kidding in the least.
She's pregnant. It's J's, big shocker there, she didn't go into details but she's sure and she said she was careful. Obviously, not enough... and the kicker I'm giving a 90% chance she'll keep it. This is good for her, I guess, good for J, good for their little family and yet my selfishness exclaims to me, "Not good for Will." -- I can't see anyway that it won't end my precious friendship with Lo. Who am I to assume it was to go on forever but I really did.
Where can Yum fit in when Lo and J and brother and Allie and Grandmom and Granddad are all there and I'm not just far away but also not really apart of the family and it will be made more so by Lo and baby. I realize it's selfish, this rambling isn't about moral correctness. It's about the sadness of the prospect of losing a friend.
I wouldn't have it any other way, I suppose. She must do what makes her happy and while she assures me she has no desire to keep it, I know her very well. I can't sleep and I've been pacing, unable to do anything else at the moment (though I have plenty I must get done).
I'm sure part of it is jealousy that I'm not the father, that this girl who is so incredibly precious to me, who means the world to me in so many ways will be gone. She'd lie to herself and say it wasn't so but the fact is a baby is a gravitational change in the world, in someone's reality. It has to be, anyone who has studied evolutionary psychology and the fundamentals there can easily see why we get no choice in the matter. In well-adjusted individuals the world shifts, instead of that effort on self it is suddenly centered on a child. It would be no different for Lo and it effects more than just her. It would effect her whole family. My littlest favorite tyke Allie would be swiped away too.
J was enthusiastic, I'd bet ecstatic would be more accurate. I just can't believe it and I really am sad that I feel her slipping away. Doom and gloom aside, her mind isn't made up but every time I think of a good reason she'd have for not having it, it is wiped away by love and J's enthusiasm. Her parents will freak out, be extremely stressed and disapproving but get over it.
She's strangely calm about the whole thing but I feel certain she'll have made up her mind by the 12th. Just a strong feeling. So then what happens? I keep my trap shut and let her have a baby...
I mean, I know there was little chance we'd ever have a child together at this point but one could hope. She was one person I could have easily seen having a child with and not having to worry about it, not freaking out. And here she has a child with J? I know, I know, mind not made up, that's what she'd say to me but I think if her emotional side wins out, she'll keep it. If her logical side wins out, she'll not want to keep it but... I think J has more sway over her than I realized.
I'm a little shakey and I don't know why. I just kept saying wow on the phone with her, I couldn't really congratulate her but I also don't consider it this horrible curse. I don't believe in talking about potential lives that way, seems wrong, not that I don't when it's hypothetical (quite different when it's there). It's her choice but this harps back to our belief in free-will. We are all products of our genes and our environment.
She has strong environmental influences that would discourage from having a child right now. Mostly economic, she doesn't have the money or the insurance, it would be, undoubtedly a huge burden. Children and child birth, done even remotely right, are expensive. This is 8% of the reason not to, it's a strong reason but she'll realize her family and J will both come to her aid on this. They don't have a lot to give but enough, more than likely.
Then, she wants her own life and selfishness is a strong factor, not that I consider it bad. Look at me, I could have stayed in Colorado helping my mom and dad and brother till the end of time but I feel my time, my place for now is here in LA. Is that so? Well, truth be told, just the fact that I believe it, has a strong bearing on whether or not it is so.
She doesn't believe it is time for a child in her life and that'll be a strong deterrent but definitely not enough. I think the fact that she's told J before she made up her own mind on what to do means it's a done deal. She was hoping that he'd be the decisive one, "no children, no way, not now" but he was the "Ohhh, let's make baby jokes" and excited about it guy. So now it falls completely to her and she admits the idea of not having it is sad. I think that idea will overwhelm her decision.
So Will goes to the sideline. There is something to be said for the family unit and J has been working hard to stake a claim on Lo, to be the guy in her life and he's got it, more than she'd ever admit. So, it'll be Lo, J, and baby. I get to be a fond memory. Odd how life changes so suddenly, on one night as I'm getting on the 101 south.
All on the eve of meeting KLC for the first time in person. My flight to Cleveland leaves in 5 hours.. I still have laundry to do but I'm simply in a haze and.. my chest hurts. This hurts. I won't have to ask her, I'll know. I just wish it weren't so but I'd never take it away from her, this something which she'll learn to desire more than anything in the world, that will become more precious than anything.
Children. I've only really ever thought of Lo when I thought seriously of having children. With Pippy, I thought a lot of marriage, ironically, lots of telling her dad dreams or asking for permission. I guess that's part of the whole being head over heels... but rarely dreams about us with children. Other than odd ones where they were just so damn cute.
With Lo, there was more time and it kinda came up in scares and being careful. I came to terms with the thought that having a baby with Lo wouldn't be bad at all, that of anyone in the world, she would be the one I'd feel best about. No one else really comes to mind ever. Pippy certainly would have filled that gap but she was so young that it was a much further off reality. Marriage young, is foolish but not necessarily completely crazy, like the thought of kids very young. At least among well-educated and not very well-off.
I'm tired now and cold. I told KLC and her response was, "I worry about you," I asked her what she meant but she refused to tell me. She agreed that it was likely that Lo was going to keep it and she seemed confused by my bitterness but I explained. It's late where she is and she then fell asleep.
If I had a girlfriend or any prospect of one in the foreseeable future I'm sure my reaction would be different, I'd bet I would laugh and be like, "whatever..." and carefree about what was coming because, "I'd have mine." More or less.
I don't think I'll meet a Pippy anytime soon. I can see meeting plenty of people who are fun to make out with, fun to sleep with, fun and wonderful in so many ways but the caliber of relationship I had with this girl was simply on another plane. First, she was on another plane, second our interaction was there too.
As I was telling Lo, as I was driving. I felt so lucky to be in LA, to be driving through the town and looking up at the skyline of tall building in downtown and thinking, this is my town. I felt like I probably couldn't... I definitely couldn't do it without her support, and KLC and even Pippy. My family believes I can do good and all but not really. They don't see me as amazing, most of the time I don't act that way, can't blame them but Pippy, when she looked at me and said, "You'll be amazing in LA," I believe her. It's impossible not too, especially because I've seen her act and she has some work to do.
She really truly, despite anything else about her, believes I can be amazing out here. Lo claims she feels the same way but she also has a habit of making me feel like a loser. It's in small ways, it's in how she treats me about certain topics. I make a suggestion or a decision and it's automatically wrong. Often times she's right about certain things but other times, she's utterly wrong... she just doesn't have faith in me.
Same with KLC, as a friend she's extraordinarily supportive, she's like a titanium rock standing against the crashing waves of a hurricane. However, she too kinda thinks of me as a loser in a lot of ways. I know she says she's joking and doesn't mean it but she does a little. It's not psychology it's in how she treats me. She doesn't believe I have a chance with her hot friends, she really doesn't.. I'd just be too dorky or a loser or whatever. Sure, sometimes I behave that way but she doesn't really need to remind me, to believe it too. I try to lift both of them up, I really believe they can achieve whatever they want, that they can be amazing, can change the world, have awesome lives and be fulfilled. They think I can do good, sure, but most of the time they expect me to screw it up or fail. Pippy, bitch that she could be, she never saw that, she believed I could do just about anything. You could see it in her face. Maybe that opinion would change but there is something incredibly empowering about having someone like that around you. All of a sudden, I could do anything.
So, I've calmed a bit, I can still feel my chest clenched slightly, a little tightened as I continue to digest but I think spitting it out like this has given me some peace to focus on other things. Like getting laundry done, I suppose I'm resigned to the idea of not sleeping, guess I can do that on the plane. I hope KLC doesn't think I came out to see her because of all this, I bought the ticket weeks ago, just crazy timing.
She'll probably realize it later, I hope she's happy to see me. It'll be a shock to her, I'm not even sure what to expect but Lo helped me choose what should be an acceptably fashionable set of clothes to wear. I don't want to look way old or anything but I don't want to look like I just left my middle school Valentine dance. So, a concert in Cleveland, I'm feeling crazy but it's definitely time.
Okay, let's get those clothes in the washer and get them dried before I have to walk down to the bus-stop at 5:35am... ugh. I didn't really think that one out. Heh.