My OperaBlabber
Wednesday, March 4, 2009 8:23:00 AM
I wasn't going to write tonight. Just going to fall asleep but something comepelled a quick stop before bed (and not just because a helicopter is flying overhead with a bright light and a loud bird is singing at 12:30am... though those help).
My class tonight was interesting. I did a very simple exercise... deceptively so, but I was closer tonight. It's difficult to explain (as my partner discovered, it took a while for him to catch on.. but it takes everyone a while). I'd describe it as a listening and focus exercise.
As we were working he used my "wristband" as an observation. It was odd because just earlier I had been thinking about why I was wearing it. My obvious answer was, "duh, I like it, think it looks cool, etc." but that's not entirely all that is there, is it?
Take a piece of clothing you like, that you think is somehow nice. Do you remember how you got it, who was with you, where you got it from?
For me, I remembered suddenly that Lo had got it for me while on a trip in New York. She had taken the time to buy me this wristband and a shirt. I liked them both very much... but then I dug a little deeper and realized it meant, even though she was in NYC with her boyfriend for a holiday getaway, she didn't totally forget about me.
It touched my heart.... and then, I let it go. Until he said, "You're wearing a wristband." -- as we continued to work, I became overwhelmed by the sensation that this stupid wristband, that I've worn maybe three or four times in 6 months, was a slight symbol of her caring about me. Yes, she just hated my other wristband and wanted to get me something she thought was cooler... but the fact is, she thought about getting it for me, for whatever reason.
It was overwhelming and powerful... I struggled to hang on, I nearly cried. Emotions are weird.
Ugh, and I hate admitting that.
Even worse to admit was my annoyance at the beginning of class. Our teacher had said to stretch out and relax and I jokingly put my arm on the chair next to me, accidentally tapping the girl sitting behind us on the knee. My teacher immediately said, "Please don't touch people behind you." -- I wanted to retort but we were already in the exercise.
I'm overly sensitive sometimes and I was angry and annoyed. He'd misunderstood my action, assumed that I was doing something intentionally disruptive and disturbing another student. If I had actually been doing that, no problem, I deserve it... but it was all just a misunderstanding that I couldn't correct.
I was pissed and as we started a sensory exercise (seriously, what is this bird doing chirping so loud at 12:52am?) I was furious in my head. I felt hurt and frustrated that I couldn't just correct his misunderstanding or even find a way to get over it.
And I couldn't let it go, it was stupid, I kept telling myself. (is it a Nightingale? It has weird chirps). I was blasting myself, I had walked in there feeling so good, confident, I had a good day, got a new haircut, got just a few small things done.
Not everything, not even close but just a few things.
And here I was obsessing over being unfairly reprimanded... as if it mattered! JUST GET OVER IT!
I was basically ignoring the exercise, our eyes closed as I focused in on trying to figure out what was really wrong? No one gets that upset over being unfairly reprimanded... yes, I hated it in Elementary school, I'd get in trouble for this and that when it was just an innocent mistake. Teachers seemed to assume the worst about me. It was probably because I was smarter than them but I didn't know that at the time... I just felt they hated me. Oversensitive.
If I had a superpower, that'd probably be it... oversensitivity... that doesn't really translate to a superpower, though. (wow, this bird's song is totally random, I hope it doesn't mean an earthquake or something bad is coming, never know here). Maybe the superpower would be superperception, sensing everything around me and knowing what they are thinking... like telepathy but with a plus of the environment. SuperAwarenessGuy! Yeah, except it doesn't take into account my pesky kryptonite, a hypersensitivity to bad feelings.
Anyway...........................
Suddenly, without warning a voice in my head, "Will, they just don't get your sense of humor, it's fine." -- perhaps not those exact words but the exact sentiment -- and as if someone pulled some heavy armor off of me, my rage was gone. Just poof, I felt relieved, though still annoyed for being behind now.
He was walking us through a nature/sensory exercise. Very cool, something I do very well (he underestimates me). I couldn't find a spot, I've been in a forest before but it wasn't working and I searched everywhere from the mountains, to another forest, to the ocean, to a cliffside, to the moon, to just in outerspace, to the room we were in, to a park... finally, I settled on the white sands of a beach in Florida.
It's beautiful, it wasn't the same beach though... just a beach and I began to feel the sun on my body, wearing just some white shorts (odd), the sand squishing in between my toes. Pelicans diving into the water and a forest near the beach. The ocean rolling in, the smell of the sea-salt, the taste of sunshine and sea-spray. It was warm, encompassing. Birds in the background. It was dreamlike.... not as precise as I would have liked. I had the senses but they'd only come into focus when I focused on them, instead of being everpresent and ready.
And then out of no where I felt a hand graze mine. A white attired Pippy. She smelled like Pippy, I told her she wasn't allowed to be here, not in my nature sensory exercise. She seemed unperturbed, as if she hadn't heard me. I held her, kissed her, smelled her, touched her hair... all there for me.
We lay on the beach together, our fingertips barely touching. Basking in the sunshine, the waves still crashing. Then at some point I decided to get up, to stand and there was a pier... I told Pippy I wanted to go to the pier and that she should come with me.
She said no, that I should go by myself, but I wanted her to come explore with me. She still wouldn't but said she'd be waiting when I returned. I ran off down the beach, I remember the sand squishing in that weird way when you run on it.
I made the pier, concrete and suddenly crowded and it was all wrong... and then suddenly, it was a wooden pier and everyone was gone. I looked back and saw Pippy, her beautiful hair seemed to be moving in an ocean breeze as I made for the end of the pier.
I reached the end and I suddenly had the urge to jump into the water, to just roll into it... It seemed like I started too but I didn't want to leave Pippy. It didn't feel like I'd die, so much as lose Pippy. I had told her I'd come back and I stayed on the pier, looking out into the ocean. The water splashing around me, the waves crashing behind me on the shore.
Then it was time to come back and I raced as quickly as I could down the wood planks, my feet hitting the wood quickly, trying to avoid sliding on the wood so I wouldn't get a splinter. The texture of the wood so different from the sand as I raced back to her.
I reached her quickly and I told her again she wasn't supposed to be here, wasn't allowed to be here. She smiled and I agreed that she could just be my secret. She could be here and no one would have to know. I kissed her quickly as we were about to end the exercise, I raced to whatever doorway had led me here and was back in the room, all-to-quickly. Somehow, content.
This odd waking dream led to a class where I felt pretty damn focused. Open to learning, experiencing, and being available.
I'm not sure what it means that she was there... thinking back, I'm not even sure she was Pippy that exists today (I haven't seen her in 5 months).
. . .
I sent her a text when I got home, right as I started doing the dishes (so I wouldn't be watching the phone, ya know). She responded politely, her Sunday was great... I'd say, no spark from her... yet, I know she is an impeccable actress to me, impossible to read. Why I even try, I don't know.
What I do know... she responded to my stupid text message. She could easily have ignored my "so, hey, can I ask you something?" -- does it mean the girl is madly in love with me... of course.
Yes, that would be a joke.
Seriously... it only means, she's still willing to talk to me. And my text to her? I guess it means, I'm stilling willing to talk to her. Instinctively, I want to know what she's up to, who she's dating, whether she's in love but I know.... I know it doesn't matter, not to me anyway. It matters to her, to those around her but what matters for me, how Pippy and I are. I don't know how we are so not much there.
All I do know...
I got the gut feeling that I've really lost her. That if I had wanted to keep Pippy... I missed my chance.
She's such a good kisser, I guess I kinda gotta admit, that saddens me. Truth be told, though, I think... just a little bit... she's going to be the one to miss out on me. The best possible love of her life.
Still starcrossed. and end?
Yum
(couldn't post this last night at 1:22am cause OC was getting a checkup and some new parts)
My class tonight was interesting. I did a very simple exercise... deceptively so, but I was closer tonight. It's difficult to explain (as my partner discovered, it took a while for him to catch on.. but it takes everyone a while). I'd describe it as a listening and focus exercise.
As we were working he used my "wristband" as an observation. It was odd because just earlier I had been thinking about why I was wearing it. My obvious answer was, "duh, I like it, think it looks cool, etc." but that's not entirely all that is there, is it?
Take a piece of clothing you like, that you think is somehow nice. Do you remember how you got it, who was with you, where you got it from?
For me, I remembered suddenly that Lo had got it for me while on a trip in New York. She had taken the time to buy me this wristband and a shirt. I liked them both very much... but then I dug a little deeper and realized it meant, even though she was in NYC with her boyfriend for a holiday getaway, she didn't totally forget about me.
It touched my heart.... and then, I let it go. Until he said, "You're wearing a wristband." -- as we continued to work, I became overwhelmed by the sensation that this stupid wristband, that I've worn maybe three or four times in 6 months, was a slight symbol of her caring about me. Yes, she just hated my other wristband and wanted to get me something she thought was cooler... but the fact is, she thought about getting it for me, for whatever reason.
It was overwhelming and powerful... I struggled to hang on, I nearly cried. Emotions are weird.
Ugh, and I hate admitting that.
Even worse to admit was my annoyance at the beginning of class. Our teacher had said to stretch out and relax and I jokingly put my arm on the chair next to me, accidentally tapping the girl sitting behind us on the knee. My teacher immediately said, "Please don't touch people behind you." -- I wanted to retort but we were already in the exercise.
I'm overly sensitive sometimes and I was angry and annoyed. He'd misunderstood my action, assumed that I was doing something intentionally disruptive and disturbing another student. If I had actually been doing that, no problem, I deserve it... but it was all just a misunderstanding that I couldn't correct.
I was pissed and as we started a sensory exercise (seriously, what is this bird doing chirping so loud at 12:52am?) I was furious in my head. I felt hurt and frustrated that I couldn't just correct his misunderstanding or even find a way to get over it.
And I couldn't let it go, it was stupid, I kept telling myself. (is it a Nightingale? It has weird chirps). I was blasting myself, I had walked in there feeling so good, confident, I had a good day, got a new haircut, got just a few small things done.
Not everything, not even close but just a few things.
And here I was obsessing over being unfairly reprimanded... as if it mattered! JUST GET OVER IT!
I was basically ignoring the exercise, our eyes closed as I focused in on trying to figure out what was really wrong? No one gets that upset over being unfairly reprimanded... yes, I hated it in Elementary school, I'd get in trouble for this and that when it was just an innocent mistake. Teachers seemed to assume the worst about me. It was probably because I was smarter than them but I didn't know that at the time... I just felt they hated me. Oversensitive.
If I had a superpower, that'd probably be it... oversensitivity... that doesn't really translate to a superpower, though. (wow, this bird's song is totally random, I hope it doesn't mean an earthquake or something bad is coming, never know here). Maybe the superpower would be superperception, sensing everything around me and knowing what they are thinking... like telepathy but with a plus of the environment. SuperAwarenessGuy! Yeah, except it doesn't take into account my pesky kryptonite, a hypersensitivity to bad feelings.
Anyway...........................
Suddenly, without warning a voice in my head, "Will, they just don't get your sense of humor, it's fine." -- perhaps not those exact words but the exact sentiment -- and as if someone pulled some heavy armor off of me, my rage was gone. Just poof, I felt relieved, though still annoyed for being behind now.
He was walking us through a nature/sensory exercise. Very cool, something I do very well (he underestimates me). I couldn't find a spot, I've been in a forest before but it wasn't working and I searched everywhere from the mountains, to another forest, to the ocean, to a cliffside, to the moon, to just in outerspace, to the room we were in, to a park... finally, I settled on the white sands of a beach in Florida.
It's beautiful, it wasn't the same beach though... just a beach and I began to feel the sun on my body, wearing just some white shorts (odd), the sand squishing in between my toes. Pelicans diving into the water and a forest near the beach. The ocean rolling in, the smell of the sea-salt, the taste of sunshine and sea-spray. It was warm, encompassing. Birds in the background. It was dreamlike.... not as precise as I would have liked. I had the senses but they'd only come into focus when I focused on them, instead of being everpresent and ready.
And then out of no where I felt a hand graze mine. A white attired Pippy. She smelled like Pippy, I told her she wasn't allowed to be here, not in my nature sensory exercise. She seemed unperturbed, as if she hadn't heard me. I held her, kissed her, smelled her, touched her hair... all there for me.
We lay on the beach together, our fingertips barely touching. Basking in the sunshine, the waves still crashing. Then at some point I decided to get up, to stand and there was a pier... I told Pippy I wanted to go to the pier and that she should come with me.
She said no, that I should go by myself, but I wanted her to come explore with me. She still wouldn't but said she'd be waiting when I returned. I ran off down the beach, I remember the sand squishing in that weird way when you run on it.
I made the pier, concrete and suddenly crowded and it was all wrong... and then suddenly, it was a wooden pier and everyone was gone. I looked back and saw Pippy, her beautiful hair seemed to be moving in an ocean breeze as I made for the end of the pier.
I reached the end and I suddenly had the urge to jump into the water, to just roll into it... It seemed like I started too but I didn't want to leave Pippy. It didn't feel like I'd die, so much as lose Pippy. I had told her I'd come back and I stayed on the pier, looking out into the ocean. The water splashing around me, the waves crashing behind me on the shore.
Then it was time to come back and I raced as quickly as I could down the wood planks, my feet hitting the wood quickly, trying to avoid sliding on the wood so I wouldn't get a splinter. The texture of the wood so different from the sand as I raced back to her.
I reached her quickly and I told her again she wasn't supposed to be here, wasn't allowed to be here. She smiled and I agreed that she could just be my secret. She could be here and no one would have to know. I kissed her quickly as we were about to end the exercise, I raced to whatever doorway had led me here and was back in the room, all-to-quickly. Somehow, content.
This odd waking dream led to a class where I felt pretty damn focused. Open to learning, experiencing, and being available.
I'm not sure what it means that she was there... thinking back, I'm not even sure she was Pippy that exists today (I haven't seen her in 5 months).
. . .
I sent her a text when I got home, right as I started doing the dishes (so I wouldn't be watching the phone, ya know). She responded politely, her Sunday was great... I'd say, no spark from her... yet, I know she is an impeccable actress to me, impossible to read. Why I even try, I don't know.
What I do know... she responded to my stupid text message. She could easily have ignored my "so, hey, can I ask you something?" -- does it mean the girl is madly in love with me... of course.
Yes, that would be a joke.
Seriously... it only means, she's still willing to talk to me. And my text to her? I guess it means, I'm stilling willing to talk to her. Instinctively, I want to know what she's up to, who she's dating, whether she's in love but I know.... I know it doesn't matter, not to me anyway. It matters to her, to those around her but what matters for me, how Pippy and I are. I don't know how we are so not much there.
All I do know...
I got the gut feeling that I've really lost her. That if I had wanted to keep Pippy... I missed my chance.
She's such a good kisser, I guess I kinda gotta admit, that saddens me. Truth be told, though, I think... just a little bit... she's going to be the one to miss out on me. The best possible love of her life.
Still starcrossed. and end?
Yum
(couldn't post this last night at 1:22am cause OC was getting a checkup and some new parts)
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