Rather Mundane
Monday, 17. December 2007, 11:23:14
This morning I admit to writing about something rather mundane, normal and average. Perhaps terrifying, age.
Ironically, death and aging was a topic I fixated on more readily when I was a teenager. The idea of growing old, of dying, seemed so terrifying. I think there was some unbelieveable tension in my body, I realized I had a finite amount of time on this world and there came a paralyization of what coure to take, how to spend this time.
Lo stole the fear. It seems so clear now, so completely obvious. Lo was such an easy fix, when I was with her I couldn't find fault in the world, nor fear. Like time stopping, we were together and what more could we really worry about. And no, I don't think I'm romanticizing my relationship with her thanks to hindsight. It was this way, I found someone I was ready to spend the rest of my life with, who fit and brought me more joy than I had ever known, I knew, even on our darkest days that everything would be okay.
That has faded over the past couple years. Lo has consistently sided with Adam, her dream has shifted to be with him.
Perhaps this is why I was so entangled by Pippy. Her youth seemed to offer that same joy, the same peace. She was in no hurry to be old and grown-up and it fit so easily with how I am. A Peter Pan. Nearly oblivious to the idea that I should act older. I don't feel particularly older than 5 or 8 years ago. In February it shall be 7 years since I met Lo (I still adore her, if it isn't obvious).
Ultimately, it wasn't Pippy's youth that attracted me, I think it was the cause for what I was truly attracted to her. Fun. Joking around as a 12-year-old might, not without the ability to be adult, but with the passion of a young soul. I fell for Pippy because of our laughter. Older people, people my age, seem too often to have lost this. They are serious, ready to be married, ready to be grown-up. This bores me to no end.
But that can't be all, Lo is growing up, she doesn't bore me? What dots am I failing to connect? She isn't a bore, she's intriguing and intelligent. She's fascinating and we did laugh a lot in the past few months, until she reconnected with Adam. It was there.
This morning, 3:26 to be more specific, I feel like I must be getting old. My body is saying, finally, yes, you are definitely getting older. I may still easily pass for 22 and sometimes for even 17 but the reality is people (like Pippy) place great stock in age and I am not 17 or 22. I'm closer to 30 now than 20, I looked in the mirror for the very first time recently and saw that I had aged. I looked older.
Perhaps this was more a factor of sadness from losing Pippy than actual age but it was clear to me. Since I was 16, really, I had never looked in the mirror and saw that I had aged. Gained weight, filled in, not slept enough, yes, all those things but never age.
And what does age give us? Well, besides the oh-so-annoying mortality slap (like the grim reaper just slicing close enough to feel the air push over our face) it makes us take a look at where we are at. Pippy was wrong when she argued that I was looking to get married, at the age where I basically want to settle down. She argued so strongly that we were wrong because, so it seemed to me, that either way we were doomed. Either she fell for me but I wasn't interested in her and she was very sad or she fell for me and I was interested in her and we ended up married, so causing her to give up her life. The truth is I feel as far from getting married now as I did 10 years ago.
But I shouldn't, I am older and growing older, and though these looks can be deceiving, I haven't a dream of growing younger.
No, no, no, no... this all seems off. What's my problem? Sure, I'm worried, just as worried as when I was 16 of never finding anyone, being alone forever. (Yeah, Pippy, imagine that!) But more so, of having died before having lived. The girl being one part of all that. I didn't leave this place when I was with Lo because I was so very in love with her. In all likelihood I never would have left her. But in chosing that I gave up other chances. I let this youth so necessary for success in some areas slip by.
And now, realizing it, it seems nearly too late. Ageism is alive and well. I have the passion, the laughter, the sarcasim, the carelessness of youth but now losing the look of it, a real problem.
Something Anna said struck me to the core, though I hope her holidays keep her to busy to ever read this, "No, you're a mailman because you can't act." I laughed in agreement and then realized that though I feel like I'm acting like an Engineer, the harsh reality may be that I'm an Engineer that can't act. I've not kept up with this dream and now. Fear.
I suppose, obviously, it all comes back to fear. Pippy's loss hurts so bad because I'm afraid, afraid I don't get a third chance with love like that. Twice seemed unimaginiable and it took what felt to close to an eternity to find those. I'm afraid of being committed, afraid of sharing all of me with the world, afraid of being a bad person, afraid of losing. At times I'm afraid of success.
I know I can act, contrary to Anna's-internalized-but-not-talking-directly-about-me belief. I know I can succeed with girls, not just any girls but ones that I may be interested in. I let the thoughts of failure grab and strangle me far too often.
I know I've gone through too much to feel 17 but in many ways I do. I'm sure this means I should see a psychologist or perhaps be on some sort of anti-young-feeling drugs. I'm not itching to be in high school, ugh, the shackles of forced education weren't ever my game but the freedom to experiment, in fact, the expectation of youth that you would still feels as strong. I do feel slightly wide-eyed and perhaps a bit naive. To believe Lo and I could still be friends, that Pippy and I could be. To believe somehow, everything will work out for the best.
L.A. still calls but this last time I was there. This Thanksgiving, it felt less perfect, ugh, I'm afraid that it was because it was the first time there that Lo wasn't. Granted, I was constrained to being responsible, keeping my brother entertained. Ugh, let's not think about that. I know I still wish to go. I wish to be there, acting, telling stories, doing it far better than the people who are there now. I want to knock their socks off. But did I miss the boat? I know technically, I have, but can I sneak past with the way I look now.
I wonder. The only way to find out is to go and do it. I know with certainty I should be performing, I know I'm good. Just like I know I am good for Pippy, that I'd blow her away if she had hung on. That was one of the last things she said to me, that she knew "you'll go to LA and be famous," the last part being an aside, not because she wasn't sure but because it was obvious.
The secret is, I'd rather get to kiss her every morning than be famous (but I know you'll never tell). Even now, as much as I'm trying to force it from every cell of my body, I can still feel her. I still love young, ha, ha, that's funny.
The 3:30am panic is no longer gripping me, now it's the less strong 4am itch. Do. This is what I need, to do. I nearly believed I could choose my fate when I had my first kiss with Pippy, I think for the first time in my life I chose her, without any doubt, I decided that I wanted her and I worked (not in the way you'd think) to get her. It turned out that wasn't enough but I shouldn't give up.
Time. I'm fast approaching my goal of saved up money to leave for LA (sorry London, your immigration laws make it nearly impossible to move there and be legal, oh but I wish I could, your acting would make the cold worth it), Christmas shall set me back slightly but with a little work I could make it happen come February or March. Change is on the horizon. No longer implied but visible.
Time, she's persistent in her pursuit, I'm not sure when she'll catch up all the way with me. This persistent hunter, firing arrows of birth and death, beginnings and endings. Clawing at my heels to make my body as old as it should be. In days, somewhat long past, I would actually be approaching my death. In those days, 17 was middle-aged, and 34 was elderly. It's selfish but it seems that would be simpler.
Let go. I need to let go of that fear and strive for the better. In between every breath and every necessary thing I must do, I should pursue what I want. It's not just acting, I realize that, it's enjoying life. It's finding the Pippys and the performances and the friends and the family and living it, however, I may choose and doing my best to not let other dictate.
Alas, this has turned into a monster posting, and not a very interesting one at that. Sorry to those poor souls looking for a clever, nice ending to tie it all up. My humor hasn't been the best lately, I seem to have let some other things get me down, forgotten the fun. But Peter is not lost. I owe everyone here a much more funny story, I shall try to get the end of Pippy up here shortly. Please forgive me for the delay, I do miss her so very much, it's a challenge to not think about her all the time.
This post ending seems oh-so lackluster. Like the cold popcorn at the bottom of your carton near the end of the movie, completely unsatisfying. I feel I've resolved nothing but perhaps I've missed the point, I didn't really expect to resolve anything, just get it out of me. The resolution, truly, is that I need to get back to the point I was at when I met Pippy. Wow, that's much more simple, in some ways, I need that place again. The confidence, combined with utter fear, to ask a girl for her email and getting her number. What a joy, there we go, I must head to that place. Let's hope I can find the path again.
Yum
Ironically, death and aging was a topic I fixated on more readily when I was a teenager. The idea of growing old, of dying, seemed so terrifying. I think there was some unbelieveable tension in my body, I realized I had a finite amount of time on this world and there came a paralyization of what coure to take, how to spend this time.
Lo stole the fear. It seems so clear now, so completely obvious. Lo was such an easy fix, when I was with her I couldn't find fault in the world, nor fear. Like time stopping, we were together and what more could we really worry about. And no, I don't think I'm romanticizing my relationship with her thanks to hindsight. It was this way, I found someone I was ready to spend the rest of my life with, who fit and brought me more joy than I had ever known, I knew, even on our darkest days that everything would be okay.
That has faded over the past couple years. Lo has consistently sided with Adam, her dream has shifted to be with him.
Perhaps this is why I was so entangled by Pippy. Her youth seemed to offer that same joy, the same peace. She was in no hurry to be old and grown-up and it fit so easily with how I am. A Peter Pan. Nearly oblivious to the idea that I should act older. I don't feel particularly older than 5 or 8 years ago. In February it shall be 7 years since I met Lo (I still adore her, if it isn't obvious).
Ultimately, it wasn't Pippy's youth that attracted me, I think it was the cause for what I was truly attracted to her. Fun. Joking around as a 12-year-old might, not without the ability to be adult, but with the passion of a young soul. I fell for Pippy because of our laughter. Older people, people my age, seem too often to have lost this. They are serious, ready to be married, ready to be grown-up. This bores me to no end.
But that can't be all, Lo is growing up, she doesn't bore me? What dots am I failing to connect? She isn't a bore, she's intriguing and intelligent. She's fascinating and we did laugh a lot in the past few months, until she reconnected with Adam. It was there.
This morning, 3:26 to be more specific, I feel like I must be getting old. My body is saying, finally, yes, you are definitely getting older. I may still easily pass for 22 and sometimes for even 17 but the reality is people (like Pippy) place great stock in age and I am not 17 or 22. I'm closer to 30 now than 20, I looked in the mirror for the very first time recently and saw that I had aged. I looked older.
Perhaps this was more a factor of sadness from losing Pippy than actual age but it was clear to me. Since I was 16, really, I had never looked in the mirror and saw that I had aged. Gained weight, filled in, not slept enough, yes, all those things but never age.
And what does age give us? Well, besides the oh-so-annoying mortality slap (like the grim reaper just slicing close enough to feel the air push over our face) it makes us take a look at where we are at. Pippy was wrong when she argued that I was looking to get married, at the age where I basically want to settle down. She argued so strongly that we were wrong because, so it seemed to me, that either way we were doomed. Either she fell for me but I wasn't interested in her and she was very sad or she fell for me and I was interested in her and we ended up married, so causing her to give up her life. The truth is I feel as far from getting married now as I did 10 years ago.
But I shouldn't, I am older and growing older, and though these looks can be deceiving, I haven't a dream of growing younger.
No, no, no, no... this all seems off. What's my problem? Sure, I'm worried, just as worried as when I was 16 of never finding anyone, being alone forever. (Yeah, Pippy, imagine that!) But more so, of having died before having lived. The girl being one part of all that. I didn't leave this place when I was with Lo because I was so very in love with her. In all likelihood I never would have left her. But in chosing that I gave up other chances. I let this youth so necessary for success in some areas slip by.
And now, realizing it, it seems nearly too late. Ageism is alive and well. I have the passion, the laughter, the sarcasim, the carelessness of youth but now losing the look of it, a real problem.
Something Anna said struck me to the core, though I hope her holidays keep her to busy to ever read this, "No, you're a mailman because you can't act." I laughed in agreement and then realized that though I feel like I'm acting like an Engineer, the harsh reality may be that I'm an Engineer that can't act. I've not kept up with this dream and now. Fear.
I suppose, obviously, it all comes back to fear. Pippy's loss hurts so bad because I'm afraid, afraid I don't get a third chance with love like that. Twice seemed unimaginiable and it took what felt to close to an eternity to find those. I'm afraid of being committed, afraid of sharing all of me with the world, afraid of being a bad person, afraid of losing. At times I'm afraid of success.
I know I can act, contrary to Anna's-internalized-but-not-talking-directly-about-me belief. I know I can succeed with girls, not just any girls but ones that I may be interested in. I let the thoughts of failure grab and strangle me far too often.
I know I've gone through too much to feel 17 but in many ways I do. I'm sure this means I should see a psychologist or perhaps be on some sort of anti-young-feeling drugs. I'm not itching to be in high school, ugh, the shackles of forced education weren't ever my game but the freedom to experiment, in fact, the expectation of youth that you would still feels as strong. I do feel slightly wide-eyed and perhaps a bit naive. To believe Lo and I could still be friends, that Pippy and I could be. To believe somehow, everything will work out for the best.
L.A. still calls but this last time I was there. This Thanksgiving, it felt less perfect, ugh, I'm afraid that it was because it was the first time there that Lo wasn't. Granted, I was constrained to being responsible, keeping my brother entertained. Ugh, let's not think about that. I know I still wish to go. I wish to be there, acting, telling stories, doing it far better than the people who are there now. I want to knock their socks off. But did I miss the boat? I know technically, I have, but can I sneak past with the way I look now.
I wonder. The only way to find out is to go and do it. I know with certainty I should be performing, I know I'm good. Just like I know I am good for Pippy, that I'd blow her away if she had hung on. That was one of the last things she said to me, that she knew "you'll go to LA and be famous," the last part being an aside, not because she wasn't sure but because it was obvious.
The secret is, I'd rather get to kiss her every morning than be famous (but I know you'll never tell). Even now, as much as I'm trying to force it from every cell of my body, I can still feel her. I still love young, ha, ha, that's funny.
The 3:30am panic is no longer gripping me, now it's the less strong 4am itch. Do. This is what I need, to do. I nearly believed I could choose my fate when I had my first kiss with Pippy, I think for the first time in my life I chose her, without any doubt, I decided that I wanted her and I worked (not in the way you'd think) to get her. It turned out that wasn't enough but I shouldn't give up.
Time. I'm fast approaching my goal of saved up money to leave for LA (sorry London, your immigration laws make it nearly impossible to move there and be legal, oh but I wish I could, your acting would make the cold worth it), Christmas shall set me back slightly but with a little work I could make it happen come February or March. Change is on the horizon. No longer implied but visible.
Time, she's persistent in her pursuit, I'm not sure when she'll catch up all the way with me. This persistent hunter, firing arrows of birth and death, beginnings and endings. Clawing at my heels to make my body as old as it should be. In days, somewhat long past, I would actually be approaching my death. In those days, 17 was middle-aged, and 34 was elderly. It's selfish but it seems that would be simpler.
Let go. I need to let go of that fear and strive for the better. In between every breath and every necessary thing I must do, I should pursue what I want. It's not just acting, I realize that, it's enjoying life. It's finding the Pippys and the performances and the friends and the family and living it, however, I may choose and doing my best to not let other dictate.
Alas, this has turned into a monster posting, and not a very interesting one at that. Sorry to those poor souls looking for a clever, nice ending to tie it all up. My humor hasn't been the best lately, I seem to have let some other things get me down, forgotten the fun. But Peter is not lost. I owe everyone here a much more funny story, I shall try to get the end of Pippy up here shortly. Please forgive me for the delay, I do miss her so very much, it's a challenge to not think about her all the time.
This post ending seems oh-so lackluster. Like the cold popcorn at the bottom of your carton near the end of the movie, completely unsatisfying. I feel I've resolved nothing but perhaps I've missed the point, I didn't really expect to resolve anything, just get it out of me. The resolution, truly, is that I need to get back to the point I was at when I met Pippy. Wow, that's much more simple, in some ways, I need that place again. The confidence, combined with utter fear, to ask a girl for her email and getting her number. What a joy, there we go, I must head to that place. Let's hope I can find the path again.
Yum
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