My City
Monday, 11. February 2008, 07:59:54
I think with any love there comes a certain amount of prideful possesiveness and freeing fretlessness. That is to say, you love it enough to get a little jealous but not so much that you are actually so very jealous as to constrain.
I often speak of my muses, these perfect creatures which inspire so much triumph and angst in myself. Tonight I speak of a lady far more difficult to describe. She's aloof, much written about and there are times I feel like she is all mine. Mine for the taking, that every part of her self is mine, that every little piece that makes her up could be easily gotten by me and then some. Not only that but that I could give her a whole new way of looking at the world, that I could open her eyes to some of the best things in life.
I have a somewhat dismal view on life, in that regard, believing we are destined to repeat our greatest stories over and over again with but the slightest of variation. I believe that some of our best stories are just retellings of some of our best stories. We are but a formula, an equation, our kind simply the result of our environment + our genes = us. Within that, though, there is a genius, an infinite number of possibilities. We may be all so very alike, the same fears, the same loves, the same cherished thoughts, the same evils, the same goodness... within those though, we share differences. We can't help but be unique, we can't escape our uniqueness, even the closest of twins, predictable to the end, still different. Still unique.
So here, sitting on a rooftop in Los Angeles, I could feel the city's heartbeat against mine, the lights fluttering, shimmering, dancing, the horns honking, annoyed, frustrated or helloing. It was all there and it all felt like it was mine, like it could be. We all should know this feeling, be able to respond it on some level. Be it standing on the stage, in a classroom, in the shower singing a song, on the top of a hill, in the nook of a library, be it buried in snow from a badly landed jump or flying from an intentional step out of a plane. This feeling is powerful, this feeling is truth. This feeling is our enlightenment.
It is this feeling that attracts me to Pippy, to the likes of Elle, to KLC, to acting, to theatre, to performance, to stories, to the best in humankind, to this city. These opportunities, here. It's also this feeling that can be deadly. Can be misleading, mistrusted and deceiving.
I'm a fool. Not always, when I reign in my emotions, my fears, I've great power. I am highly sensitive to those around me, I pick up quickly on what they are feeling and from that often what they are thinking. Yet, I've not learned to control this power. Too often I allow it to let me jump to improper conclusions. "She is creeped out by me," or "He's really pissed off about this," -- When the reality may be far from so. However, sometimes there is truth, sometimes it is dead on accurate.
When I've found myself in the wrong it is from jumping to the wrong logical conclusion, nevertheless, the emotional conclusion has generally been dead on. It's a curse and a gift. Sure, people give away their motives (And thereby their thoughts) more often than they realize but sometimes people like me can jump too far with too little data. It's a horrible habit, I hate when I do it but it is so natural, I'm right so very often.
So, when I get this fantastic feeling, I must attempt to temper it. I should temper it with the simple failures, such as being at the gym today and seriously coming to a point where I didn't know what to do. I am not so very athletic and while I'm trying to learn, I know I had the deer in the head-lights look. The "oh, one of those new gym people" looks... and then, though I know it is true, I must disregard it. For most in the world, I think anyway, it's somewhat easy to disregard, they never noticed it to begin with, but for others who from a glance can decode more, it takes effort. It takes a conscious effort on my part to disregard the thoughts of others....
Put another way, imagine the ability to hear the thoughts of others around you. To discern their base emotional state, their simplest thoughts. You can't see all their reasons, the fight they had after breakfast, the near car accident, the dreaded boss talk, the friend that just died, you can just see their immediate but you can hear it in your mind, interrupting your own thoughts.
So you walk into a room, a lunch, a gym, a class and can look around and without trying begin hearing them. Imagine how frustrating it would be to your focus!? Imagine trying to be brave or get something done when someone thinks, "What's that jerkoff up to?" or "Wow, he's kinda cute?" or "He looks like my ex-boyfriend," or worse the more basic, "I like," or "I don't like." It would take calm and focus to block out all those voices, bouncing around in your eardrums like annoying mosquitos, and focus on you.
This is the robbery of my confidence. The theft of my assuredness. We all need situations to keep us humble, where we should be uncomfortable but one hopes they are on balance, that they are not all overwhelming. I've been attempting for 2 years now to become better approaching a girl I find attractive and I still struggle. Not because I don't know how, no, it almost always boils down to confidence.
And so as I sat on the roof, looking at my city, I felt some all-filling contentment, this is mine, could be mine and also not be mine but with the attitude that it is all mine, that I already have it, it's the right attitude. It is the confidence you need for success. Had I spoken to Elle as if she were already mine, already mad for me, she would have been. For in that behavior it would have communicated my own reality, my own confidence and it would have said to her that I'm worth it. She might not have come along with me but based on the look in her eyes, she is waiting for that man. I may not be him but I could be, I could be the man. Just as with Pippy, I could be.
Love discussing this topic, though I may, I must depart to pillow and blanket for early morning duty calls. Rest well those eyes that have come so far on this page.
I often speak of my muses, these perfect creatures which inspire so much triumph and angst in myself. Tonight I speak of a lady far more difficult to describe. She's aloof, much written about and there are times I feel like she is all mine. Mine for the taking, that every part of her self is mine, that every little piece that makes her up could be easily gotten by me and then some. Not only that but that I could give her a whole new way of looking at the world, that I could open her eyes to some of the best things in life.
I have a somewhat dismal view on life, in that regard, believing we are destined to repeat our greatest stories over and over again with but the slightest of variation. I believe that some of our best stories are just retellings of some of our best stories. We are but a formula, an equation, our kind simply the result of our environment + our genes = us. Within that, though, there is a genius, an infinite number of possibilities. We may be all so very alike, the same fears, the same loves, the same cherished thoughts, the same evils, the same goodness... within those though, we share differences. We can't help but be unique, we can't escape our uniqueness, even the closest of twins, predictable to the end, still different. Still unique.
So here, sitting on a rooftop in Los Angeles, I could feel the city's heartbeat against mine, the lights fluttering, shimmering, dancing, the horns honking, annoyed, frustrated or helloing. It was all there and it all felt like it was mine, like it could be. We all should know this feeling, be able to respond it on some level. Be it standing on the stage, in a classroom, in the shower singing a song, on the top of a hill, in the nook of a library, be it buried in snow from a badly landed jump or flying from an intentional step out of a plane. This feeling is powerful, this feeling is truth. This feeling is our enlightenment.
It is this feeling that attracts me to Pippy, to the likes of Elle, to KLC, to acting, to theatre, to performance, to stories, to the best in humankind, to this city. These opportunities, here. It's also this feeling that can be deadly. Can be misleading, mistrusted and deceiving.
I'm a fool. Not always, when I reign in my emotions, my fears, I've great power. I am highly sensitive to those around me, I pick up quickly on what they are feeling and from that often what they are thinking. Yet, I've not learned to control this power. Too often I allow it to let me jump to improper conclusions. "She is creeped out by me," or "He's really pissed off about this," -- When the reality may be far from so. However, sometimes there is truth, sometimes it is dead on accurate.
When I've found myself in the wrong it is from jumping to the wrong logical conclusion, nevertheless, the emotional conclusion has generally been dead on. It's a curse and a gift. Sure, people give away their motives (And thereby their thoughts) more often than they realize but sometimes people like me can jump too far with too little data. It's a horrible habit, I hate when I do it but it is so natural, I'm right so very often.
So, when I get this fantastic feeling, I must attempt to temper it. I should temper it with the simple failures, such as being at the gym today and seriously coming to a point where I didn't know what to do. I am not so very athletic and while I'm trying to learn, I know I had the deer in the head-lights look. The "oh, one of those new gym people" looks... and then, though I know it is true, I must disregard it. For most in the world, I think anyway, it's somewhat easy to disregard, they never noticed it to begin with, but for others who from a glance can decode more, it takes effort. It takes a conscious effort on my part to disregard the thoughts of others....
Put another way, imagine the ability to hear the thoughts of others around you. To discern their base emotional state, their simplest thoughts. You can't see all their reasons, the fight they had after breakfast, the near car accident, the dreaded boss talk, the friend that just died, you can just see their immediate but you can hear it in your mind, interrupting your own thoughts.
So you walk into a room, a lunch, a gym, a class and can look around and without trying begin hearing them. Imagine how frustrating it would be to your focus!? Imagine trying to be brave or get something done when someone thinks, "What's that jerkoff up to?" or "Wow, he's kinda cute?" or "He looks like my ex-boyfriend," or worse the more basic, "I like," or "I don't like." It would take calm and focus to block out all those voices, bouncing around in your eardrums like annoying mosquitos, and focus on you.
This is the robbery of my confidence. The theft of my assuredness. We all need situations to keep us humble, where we should be uncomfortable but one hopes they are on balance, that they are not all overwhelming. I've been attempting for 2 years now to become better approaching a girl I find attractive and I still struggle. Not because I don't know how, no, it almost always boils down to confidence.
And so as I sat on the roof, looking at my city, I felt some all-filling contentment, this is mine, could be mine and also not be mine but with the attitude that it is all mine, that I already have it, it's the right attitude. It is the confidence you need for success. Had I spoken to Elle as if she were already mine, already mad for me, she would have been. For in that behavior it would have communicated my own reality, my own confidence and it would have said to her that I'm worth it. She might not have come along with me but based on the look in her eyes, she is waiting for that man. I may not be him but I could be, I could be the man. Just as with Pippy, I could be.
Love discussing this topic, though I may, I must depart to pillow and blanket for early morning duty calls. Rest well those eyes that have come so far on this page.
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