Swearing off want isn't that bad of an idea.
Saturday, 15. March 2008, 09:59:47
Wise men. I think the wisest realize the damnation of want, of desire. It's been a subject on the tongues of wiser writers than I. Suppose I shall just rant a bit.
Life. We're granted this gift of life, told it's a gift but in truth for some it is surely a damning hell. You need only think of war, rape, pillage, murder, death, injustice, lies, pain, hurt, disease, and hate to be reminded of those around us who were dealt a damned fate.
And what of the rest? Even amongst the best no one makes the claim that life is easy, fair, or even worthwhile.
So what makes life worth living? We do know, through our evolved brains, much about that "natural state" that we evolved from. I think it is a fair theory to say that knowing what made us fulfilled in this long ago human can provide clues as to what shall give us meaning in the now.
Mostly those basic needs which we depended on fulfilling, water, food, some shelter, and sex. Plenty of sex, for we needed as many chances at our children making it as possible. As many of you should be aware the infant mortality rate prior to the 20th century was much higher. Granted, I cannot be sure of the mortality rate of infants born in small groups or villages, I would suspect less than the urbanized areas that were so dangerous with abundant disease and filth.
In other words, we want to feel safe, feel comfortable, we want seek out nourishment, we seek out mates. While we can be certain monogamy was never a natural state, what seems less clear is whether the illusion was always present. Did women and men in this pre-historic age keep up pretenses, doubtful. It was likely mates were still fought over and for, much of that continues today. (See two women fighting for a particularly eligible male or two men fighting for a highly desirable female)
The roots of our behavior so far in the past. So how do we fulfill these needs? First, we have to know they are being fulfilled, we have to understand that we are doing right. How?
Pleasure.
What a key ingredient in so much of what we do, to our deteriment at times. How often have we had to override our pleasure center with our intellect and usually only after some serious and an intense lesson.
So, we can look around at ourselves to see what commonalities among us bring us pleasure. When you are a child, sweet candy, mimicing natures sweetest fruits, is extremely pleasurable. It's a high, it makes our brain go happy. We can feel that pleasure and follow it to where it leads (usually our hands being caught in the cookie jar).
At that young age, we've found pleasure worth pursuing and we do. We go after it. Further back, a baby finds pleasure in the food of their mother's breasts. We are preprogrammed to find it tasty, to enjoy and find pleasure in the action and especially the taste. And we respond strongly to the negative stimuli of "gross food". Babies are particular, these little creatures with no memory, yet, so particular. They become more discerning as they form these memories of good and bad.
We grow and find pleasure in other things. Attraction to certain physical characteristics, these impressing upon us as we grow. We find things we enjoy, through social interaction and reenforcement often.
Imagine for a moment the chaos that could exist if we didn't have sex education. Imagine the topic was forbidden, parents didn't tell their children. Well, assuming the children were allowed to play with eachother, allowed to come into contact make no mistake, nature would take it's course. Boys would find the extreme pleasure of their own abilities. Girls finding the same (in fact, some young girls often realize their special sensitivity a bit too early). Now put them in a room and stir.
Pleasure.
Now. Women have also been programmed with some frustrations to the attempts of males to mate with them. The need to have a safe environment, to feel safe and protected. Whether it is her mate, her family or something else, she is not likely to mate without it. It's a simple instinct, a good one. She has to have the resources to survive 9 months of carrying a child to term and continue her existence (but more importantly her child's and their children and so forth).
However, our instincts can be deceived. That woman can simply respond to a strong male, whether or not that environment exists because the attractions she feels causes her pleasure center to be stimulated. She feels good and some girls can become quite docile when that kicks in high gear. Others can resist but still remain responsive.
I focus so much on the female because they do act as the gatekeeper. They are compelled for the survival of the species. They have a finite resource in their eggs, they carry a fetus to term, they continue to feed the child through special milk only they can provide. All during this period, they become more vulenerable. So, they absolutely must pick carefully... but men too have the advantage of evolution.
We too have had the years necessary to learn to deceive a woman's keen sense and fulfill our imperative, sex. Much sex with many partners. To understand how deeply this is programmed into most of us you must appreciate a study I recall on a male's attraction to females. Any of us who have observed friends and family will easily see the truth. In this study it discussed how males actually do become more strongly attracted to "new" women. There is a great genetic reason for this. Robustness, we tend to do well as a species mating further from our root genes (consider that a pseudoscience statement, some Professor somewhere just shit himself). In other words, a child is likely to have more genetic robustness when their parents are from differing ethic groups. It's not really ethnicity as we socially think about it but in terms of how it displays in our physical apperance, our looks are the world's viewport into our genes.
So men feel more pleasure by going after more women. The more the merrier and it's not like we are running out of seed to spread around. We've got plenty to give and it costs us nothing. No hormones, carrying weight, no babies, no labor, none of that. We can simply make a deposit and move on. Those males among us who have the attractiveness and other characteristics do so. They mate with many women and never settle.
Those among us who either don't have the attractiveness or the other characteristics necessary go for something more reasonable. A committed woman, well, so he thinks. She'll still cheat if a more attractive male comes along but she shan't give up her reliable mate, performing as necessary.
We're designed this way, this socially unacceptable way. To meet, mate, move on. Those who do not understand it in some way or another are unlikely to ever conquer it.
A brief tangent on the agreed upon socially acceptable lifestyle for western society. A monogamous life-long in-love relationship between two people, our happily ever after, hopefully producing off-spring. Yet, this is a pipe-dream, designed to make us feel better, to inspire us. Can it exist? The hopeless romantic in me says, "Oh, definitely yes." The realist says simply, "Sort of." And the scientist says, "No."
I suppose you deserve a some slight explanation on those responses. In reverse order. Science simply says it how it is, the best science does not make judgements in it's theories or findings but provides the facts. The facts are 10, 20, 50, 80 years together and as in love as when you first met is impossible. A morphing and evolving kind of love that allows two people to coexist closely for that period of time is certainly reasonable. That you'll feel the chill and excitement of those first few days, months, years is far less certain.
"Sort of," accepts that the above is true but doesn't find the other forms of love, the typically cylical nature, just as enticing. That two people can decide to be closer than any other for tens of years is an amazing feat. It's quite possible that you can go in these cycles, falling in love with that person, drifting apart and then falling in love with them again. Never being bored and always chasing the dream.
And the "Oh, definitely yes." This should be more than enough proof to prove my ignorance and lack of wisdom. I think it can be there, I think two people can be falling, the entire time, each moment in this endless fall. It certainly sounds foolish but this unending love, this love where you are never able to find your footing is a balancing act in my limited mind. Between falling into someone and falling with someone. I believe if you can keep laughing, keep trusting, keep dreaming, keep growing, then you'll keep going.
Pippy wrote me an email on the 11th. It was a surprise. Gmail informed me just as I was putting away my Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream pint. She was attempting to chastize me, I believe, and doing her best to ignore my attempts to engage her in more playful conversation.
In other words, though her email said, "but we should totally hang out at some point" I translated it to "but we should totally hang out at some point, and by some point, I mean never or a similarly futuristic point that is like when I'm closer to death than not". A bit cruel but they typical girl blow-off. I can just see her, "Damn it, I really don't want to respond to him but he wrote me an email and it would be so mean not to respond. I don't want to be mean, he's a nice guy and all but I'm just not interested. I'll just ignore the other stuff and tell him what I'm up to and that we should hang out. Way to go, Becky."
As if that weren't enough, our brief text messages confirmed it. Ignoring my flirtations and cutting me off. I may have lost all the game I had to get this girl but I didn't lose the feelings. She did, though and I can't bring myself to write her back, though I feel obligated, I simply realize she's left that place with me and no amount of chatter shall rescue me. Part of me dares to hope I could "fight" and win the "game" with some careful tactics, some planning, some real smooth work.
However, I can't bring myself to do it. Sure, we shouldn't always listen to fate but in this case, if Pippy so desperately desires to drive me from her life, is so completely un-in-love with me, then perhaps I should listen? Perhaps, it means don't win this girl. I can't help but feel unsure.
For so many months I felt completely sure we were destined to be together. Then something changed and it shook my world. I've discussed that here before and I'm still unsure what it was that happened. For all I know she hooked up with a teacher on a school retreat. That would be funny, ironic and disappointing.
Lo, she came over tonight to help me work on stuff. But instead she worked only on her stuff, leaving me to putter around on my work with her occassionally ignoring my random conversation seeds. It was frustrating and disappointing. She was grouchy and tired and completely annoyed by near any mention of Pippy lately. Understandable, she probably gets a bit reminded of her own bitchy behavior, sometimes.
It was frustrating to have her over and then have A-boy come pick her up. Knowing that I'd be climbing into my bed alone and though she felt so stressed, her body would be relaxing into another's arms. It wasn't jealousy so much as disappointment. Granted, I still feel the strong attraction to Lo that any sane heterosexual male would, it was more than jealousy and it was frustrating.
Lo left and here I am, she didn't end up helping me at all... which was certainly disappointing. I could have worked alone and not have had her bothering me or reminding me of how bare the bed would be when she went home.
KLC, heh, she just broke up with her boyfriend and decided to party it out. She seemed to have just finished some random sex with some guy when I spoke to her. While it is disappointing to have such a close friend choose getting drunk and banging as a 'get over' technique, it's also a sore reminder of my own state.
So, here I am, contemplating my meaning. Wondering if all those things that I want are simply ridiculous. I know those pleasures above, those that I listed would bring the basic meaning into my life. It'd make the day-to-day doable. But I've always wanted more the easiest, I've wanted the unique, the special, the wonderful and amazing. This was what was so incredibily enticing about Pippy, our laughter together, a cycle that could last a lifetime.
It is what is so utterly depressing at this moment. To want that. To want to be her first. Perhaps never her only, but just the second most important man in her life (we all know who is first). To have her there when I want her and to inspire her to live her life the best she can, just as she would have to for me. To never bore her, so she'd never bore me. To have her dare to fulfill my dreams as I would have fulfilled hers.
I never thought I'd meet Pippy. Lo was uniquely keyed to my heart and yet Pippy came and swiped it clean. As surely as I didn't think I would ever meet her, I don't want her to go. Though, I can't see myself clinging needly to her skirt, she's decided to go and I'll let go.
Will I meet another amazing girl? I don't know. I just don't know. But do I even dare to want to? Is it possible my time would be better spent conquering the desire and want for a girl that may only exist in my imagination. No, she does exist, I've kissed her. She's flesh and blood, human touch. She's there but even if that rare gem should stumble at my feet again, will I be strong enough, wise enough to pick it up and keep it? Will the gem choose to stay.
And again I argue with myself. Would it not be better to avoid these feelings altogther simply by disposing of these wants. I may live alone but I'd never feel the depth of this depression, I'd never be overwhelmed with this witless sadness. I'm so unsuccessful, in general, with the broad population of the opposite sex. I could continue on working to get better and still not meet the kinds of girls which drive me crazy. Which are worth my time. My perception is piercing, not always accurate in all things but when it comes to people, this is why I can be a storyteller. I know people. I perceive them quickly, take a huff of their essence and go from there. I claim no perfection, just an inate and stubbornly accurate sense. At least, when I can gain enough input.
So, I've dared to ramble on far too long on this screen. It's a pity you've made it this far, I apologize, if you're head isn't spinning from the many errors you can expect to see in this first draft that is wrapping itself up at 3:56 in the morning, then it is certainly spinning from the random tangents and internal conversations jumping onto this page.
Time to chase some rest and banish this feeling that Pippy has a thing for her french teacher. Simply the random idiotic thoughts of an extremely tired boy. Though, there is something there. I'll give her hell when she gets back from her travels abroad. What a brat.
Rest well Internet Journiers. Do not strain your eyes to badly in your adventures.
Yum
Life. We're granted this gift of life, told it's a gift but in truth for some it is surely a damning hell. You need only think of war, rape, pillage, murder, death, injustice, lies, pain, hurt, disease, and hate to be reminded of those around us who were dealt a damned fate.
And what of the rest? Even amongst the best no one makes the claim that life is easy, fair, or even worthwhile.
So what makes life worth living? We do know, through our evolved brains, much about that "natural state" that we evolved from. I think it is a fair theory to say that knowing what made us fulfilled in this long ago human can provide clues as to what shall give us meaning in the now.
Mostly those basic needs which we depended on fulfilling, water, food, some shelter, and sex. Plenty of sex, for we needed as many chances at our children making it as possible. As many of you should be aware the infant mortality rate prior to the 20th century was much higher. Granted, I cannot be sure of the mortality rate of infants born in small groups or villages, I would suspect less than the urbanized areas that were so dangerous with abundant disease and filth.
In other words, we want to feel safe, feel comfortable, we want seek out nourishment, we seek out mates. While we can be certain monogamy was never a natural state, what seems less clear is whether the illusion was always present. Did women and men in this pre-historic age keep up pretenses, doubtful. It was likely mates were still fought over and for, much of that continues today. (See two women fighting for a particularly eligible male or two men fighting for a highly desirable female)
The roots of our behavior so far in the past. So how do we fulfill these needs? First, we have to know they are being fulfilled, we have to understand that we are doing right. How?
Pleasure.
What a key ingredient in so much of what we do, to our deteriment at times. How often have we had to override our pleasure center with our intellect and usually only after some serious and an intense lesson.
So, we can look around at ourselves to see what commonalities among us bring us pleasure. When you are a child, sweet candy, mimicing natures sweetest fruits, is extremely pleasurable. It's a high, it makes our brain go happy. We can feel that pleasure and follow it to where it leads (usually our hands being caught in the cookie jar).
At that young age, we've found pleasure worth pursuing and we do. We go after it. Further back, a baby finds pleasure in the food of their mother's breasts. We are preprogrammed to find it tasty, to enjoy and find pleasure in the action and especially the taste. And we respond strongly to the negative stimuli of "gross food". Babies are particular, these little creatures with no memory, yet, so particular. They become more discerning as they form these memories of good and bad.
We grow and find pleasure in other things. Attraction to certain physical characteristics, these impressing upon us as we grow. We find things we enjoy, through social interaction and reenforcement often.
Imagine for a moment the chaos that could exist if we didn't have sex education. Imagine the topic was forbidden, parents didn't tell their children. Well, assuming the children were allowed to play with eachother, allowed to come into contact make no mistake, nature would take it's course. Boys would find the extreme pleasure of their own abilities. Girls finding the same (in fact, some young girls often realize their special sensitivity a bit too early). Now put them in a room and stir.
Pleasure.
Now. Women have also been programmed with some frustrations to the attempts of males to mate with them. The need to have a safe environment, to feel safe and protected. Whether it is her mate, her family or something else, she is not likely to mate without it. It's a simple instinct, a good one. She has to have the resources to survive 9 months of carrying a child to term and continue her existence (but more importantly her child's and their children and so forth).
However, our instincts can be deceived. That woman can simply respond to a strong male, whether or not that environment exists because the attractions she feels causes her pleasure center to be stimulated. She feels good and some girls can become quite docile when that kicks in high gear. Others can resist but still remain responsive.
I focus so much on the female because they do act as the gatekeeper. They are compelled for the survival of the species. They have a finite resource in their eggs, they carry a fetus to term, they continue to feed the child through special milk only they can provide. All during this period, they become more vulenerable. So, they absolutely must pick carefully... but men too have the advantage of evolution.
We too have had the years necessary to learn to deceive a woman's keen sense and fulfill our imperative, sex. Much sex with many partners. To understand how deeply this is programmed into most of us you must appreciate a study I recall on a male's attraction to females. Any of us who have observed friends and family will easily see the truth. In this study it discussed how males actually do become more strongly attracted to "new" women. There is a great genetic reason for this. Robustness, we tend to do well as a species mating further from our root genes (consider that a pseudoscience statement, some Professor somewhere just shit himself). In other words, a child is likely to have more genetic robustness when their parents are from differing ethic groups. It's not really ethnicity as we socially think about it but in terms of how it displays in our physical apperance, our looks are the world's viewport into our genes.
So men feel more pleasure by going after more women. The more the merrier and it's not like we are running out of seed to spread around. We've got plenty to give and it costs us nothing. No hormones, carrying weight, no babies, no labor, none of that. We can simply make a deposit and move on. Those males among us who have the attractiveness and other characteristics do so. They mate with many women and never settle.
Those among us who either don't have the attractiveness or the other characteristics necessary go for something more reasonable. A committed woman, well, so he thinks. She'll still cheat if a more attractive male comes along but she shan't give up her reliable mate, performing as necessary.
We're designed this way, this socially unacceptable way. To meet, mate, move on. Those who do not understand it in some way or another are unlikely to ever conquer it.
A brief tangent on the agreed upon socially acceptable lifestyle for western society. A monogamous life-long in-love relationship between two people, our happily ever after, hopefully producing off-spring. Yet, this is a pipe-dream, designed to make us feel better, to inspire us. Can it exist? The hopeless romantic in me says, "Oh, definitely yes." The realist says simply, "Sort of." And the scientist says, "No."
I suppose you deserve a some slight explanation on those responses. In reverse order. Science simply says it how it is, the best science does not make judgements in it's theories or findings but provides the facts. The facts are 10, 20, 50, 80 years together and as in love as when you first met is impossible. A morphing and evolving kind of love that allows two people to coexist closely for that period of time is certainly reasonable. That you'll feel the chill and excitement of those first few days, months, years is far less certain.
"Sort of," accepts that the above is true but doesn't find the other forms of love, the typically cylical nature, just as enticing. That two people can decide to be closer than any other for tens of years is an amazing feat. It's quite possible that you can go in these cycles, falling in love with that person, drifting apart and then falling in love with them again. Never being bored and always chasing the dream.
And the "Oh, definitely yes." This should be more than enough proof to prove my ignorance and lack of wisdom. I think it can be there, I think two people can be falling, the entire time, each moment in this endless fall. It certainly sounds foolish but this unending love, this love where you are never able to find your footing is a balancing act in my limited mind. Between falling into someone and falling with someone. I believe if you can keep laughing, keep trusting, keep dreaming, keep growing, then you'll keep going.
Pippy wrote me an email on the 11th. It was a surprise. Gmail informed me just as I was putting away my Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream pint. She was attempting to chastize me, I believe, and doing her best to ignore my attempts to engage her in more playful conversation.
In other words, though her email said, "but we should totally hang out at some point" I translated it to "but we should totally hang out at some point, and by some point, I mean never or a similarly futuristic point that is like when I'm closer to death than not". A bit cruel but they typical girl blow-off. I can just see her, "Damn it, I really don't want to respond to him but he wrote me an email and it would be so mean not to respond. I don't want to be mean, he's a nice guy and all but I'm just not interested. I'll just ignore the other stuff and tell him what I'm up to and that we should hang out. Way to go, Becky."
As if that weren't enough, our brief text messages confirmed it. Ignoring my flirtations and cutting me off. I may have lost all the game I had to get this girl but I didn't lose the feelings. She did, though and I can't bring myself to write her back, though I feel obligated, I simply realize she's left that place with me and no amount of chatter shall rescue me. Part of me dares to hope I could "fight" and win the "game" with some careful tactics, some planning, some real smooth work.
However, I can't bring myself to do it. Sure, we shouldn't always listen to fate but in this case, if Pippy so desperately desires to drive me from her life, is so completely un-in-love with me, then perhaps I should listen? Perhaps, it means don't win this girl. I can't help but feel unsure.
For so many months I felt completely sure we were destined to be together. Then something changed and it shook my world. I've discussed that here before and I'm still unsure what it was that happened. For all I know she hooked up with a teacher on a school retreat. That would be funny, ironic and disappointing.
Lo, she came over tonight to help me work on stuff. But instead she worked only on her stuff, leaving me to putter around on my work with her occassionally ignoring my random conversation seeds. It was frustrating and disappointing. She was grouchy and tired and completely annoyed by near any mention of Pippy lately. Understandable, she probably gets a bit reminded of her own bitchy behavior, sometimes.
It was frustrating to have her over and then have A-boy come pick her up. Knowing that I'd be climbing into my bed alone and though she felt so stressed, her body would be relaxing into another's arms. It wasn't jealousy so much as disappointment. Granted, I still feel the strong attraction to Lo that any sane heterosexual male would, it was more than jealousy and it was frustrating.
Lo left and here I am, she didn't end up helping me at all... which was certainly disappointing. I could have worked alone and not have had her bothering me or reminding me of how bare the bed would be when she went home.
KLC, heh, she just broke up with her boyfriend and decided to party it out. She seemed to have just finished some random sex with some guy when I spoke to her. While it is disappointing to have such a close friend choose getting drunk and banging as a 'get over' technique, it's also a sore reminder of my own state.
So, here I am, contemplating my meaning. Wondering if all those things that I want are simply ridiculous. I know those pleasures above, those that I listed would bring the basic meaning into my life. It'd make the day-to-day doable. But I've always wanted more the easiest, I've wanted the unique, the special, the wonderful and amazing. This was what was so incredibily enticing about Pippy, our laughter together, a cycle that could last a lifetime.
It is what is so utterly depressing at this moment. To want that. To want to be her first. Perhaps never her only, but just the second most important man in her life (we all know who is first). To have her there when I want her and to inspire her to live her life the best she can, just as she would have to for me. To never bore her, so she'd never bore me. To have her dare to fulfill my dreams as I would have fulfilled hers.
I never thought I'd meet Pippy. Lo was uniquely keyed to my heart and yet Pippy came and swiped it clean. As surely as I didn't think I would ever meet her, I don't want her to go. Though, I can't see myself clinging needly to her skirt, she's decided to go and I'll let go.
Will I meet another amazing girl? I don't know. I just don't know. But do I even dare to want to? Is it possible my time would be better spent conquering the desire and want for a girl that may only exist in my imagination. No, she does exist, I've kissed her. She's flesh and blood, human touch. She's there but even if that rare gem should stumble at my feet again, will I be strong enough, wise enough to pick it up and keep it? Will the gem choose to stay.
And again I argue with myself. Would it not be better to avoid these feelings altogther simply by disposing of these wants. I may live alone but I'd never feel the depth of this depression, I'd never be overwhelmed with this witless sadness. I'm so unsuccessful, in general, with the broad population of the opposite sex. I could continue on working to get better and still not meet the kinds of girls which drive me crazy. Which are worth my time. My perception is piercing, not always accurate in all things but when it comes to people, this is why I can be a storyteller. I know people. I perceive them quickly, take a huff of their essence and go from there. I claim no perfection, just an inate and stubbornly accurate sense. At least, when I can gain enough input.
So, I've dared to ramble on far too long on this screen. It's a pity you've made it this far, I apologize, if you're head isn't spinning from the many errors you can expect to see in this first draft that is wrapping itself up at 3:56 in the morning, then it is certainly spinning from the random tangents and internal conversations jumping onto this page.
Time to chase some rest and banish this feeling that Pippy has a thing for her french teacher. Simply the random idiotic thoughts of an extremely tired boy. Though, there is something there. I'll give her hell when she gets back from her travels abroad. What a brat.
Rest well Internet Journiers. Do not strain your eyes to badly in your adventures.
Yum
WIDGETIZE