A crack at the wall...
Friday, 13. June 2008, 22:05:12
So I know this past month I've been neglecting my blog... truly neglecting my thoughts.
I shan't lie, it's fear. This large textbox with green background that reminds me of an abstract Midsummer Night's Dream, is terrifying. Facing this space means acknowledging a bit of what's been going on in my head. It's not just Pippy that's been swirling around my mind and dreams. It's life, my way of life and what I'm doing.
I'm not sure I'm ready to quite face it all. To discuss the heavy stuff. My mind wants to throw-up, it wants to get it all out but the experience of throwing up can be so uncomfortable that I avoid it. I become apprehensive. Even now, typing I can feel my chest tightened, the cooling feeling of fear spread from the center. My fingers a bit less sure, my senses hyper alert as I prepare to fly... or fight.
The keys are my fight right now. Let's do a little treatise off of a brief discussion with KLC.
Love.
Theorized about for longer than not.
These three lasses, the ones I fell so fully for... no, no, no. Not the right way to start.
When I've fallen for a girl, it's a indescribable feeling, of course but... no, still wrong.
This fear is not without some good reason. Heh, fingers fumble. Mind slips. Train derails and here we are... false starts abundant.
Is it that when I fell in love that I fell in love... crap, I can't get it right. I had it... now lost.
Breathe.
Interruption.
Breathe.
Sometimes I've felt like love wasn't falling... It was there from the beginning, like I met this girl and I was instantly like "Wow" -- maybe I didn't let it overwhelm me but it was "Wow" -- Then I spent my time trying to find reasons not to be in that place. Like I've been compelled to get to know them, to learn about them, to explore the deep forest that is their soul... the jungle, the maze, and I'm looking for a reason not to be... not to be in that place. With people I didn't fall for, it's been a case of looking for reasons to really go for it.. to really like them...
Today, I sat wondering about this. Is it just we have this seed of love for everyone, everywhere and we fight it... we keep it in check? And then you meet someone and the seed germinates, instantly, but it must be nursed. You water it, give it sunshine but it doesn't mean it will grow, doesn't mean it won't be somehow destroyed... and then all of a sudden, you find that it has bud. It has grown to a point where you can't control it, where it simply is.
That's how it felt with Liss and Lo and, yes, especially Pippy... who I was so not serious about. You can read this very blog to see that she had an impact but that I was 'playing' -- I knew we were star-crossed lovers who hadn't a chance, why not learn? And then that mistaken assumption led me to water, sun, even sing to that seedling and all of a sudden it had grown and choked.
And I think not alone... it was, undoubtedly, mutual. So why am I letting myself be choked by it, drowned and corrupted?
K girl was telling me I must let her go; I feel I have, in many ways. In others, it's impossible for me to look at the seedling, still mostly young and stomp the shit out of it. Do I dare destroy it without giving it a full chance to live?
My friend Anna.yes (hi, if you've made it this far) had her latest guy move to far north coldland... I throw term "latest guy" around casually but it was far from being just casual. Reading it, I could see she had a genuine connection with this gent and that the exploration had just begun. As if it had already happened, they both just had to catch up with that fact...
That's how it has always felt for me. Liss, I remember meeting her, and we were but casual friends until one day when I was giving her a ride home and we had such a perfect chat. At that moment we both became entangled. (I still haven't figured out how she got untangled) We had made the jump and it was just a matter of continuing to explore it.
The words in my mind, I really don't wish to share right now but as long as I'm throwing up... might as well get the last bit. I admit, fully, freely and I wish not so ashamedly, that I fear finding Pippy in 4 years, running into her, only to find out she's done exactly what she ill-predicted. Gone and married, pregnant with the first of her four kids and unhappy. As much as I want to totally throw her away, destroy the essence which she transfered to me, I can't. I worry that this girl is going to hurt herself, not because she has too but because she's looking for someone to protect her from herself. Someone to stand up to her, not to dominate her but to partner with her.
Fuck, don't I sound like an arrogant prick. Oh, yeah, Prince Charming to come save the poor Princess from herself. Sound the trumpets, fire the cannons and get real!
How stupid is all of that... that I have these feelings? What truth lies beneath them, is it a truth about her? or is it just a truth about me? How much is invented by me and how much did I really see in the soul of fair Pippy?
With Lo, I was generally right, she admits this more freely today. When I felt something in my gut, like this, and I confronted her about it, she'd deny perfectly but I'd still be right. It didn't necessarily help anything but I still knew, was still perceptive enough to see it... she'd also add, appropriately, that there were times that I was wrong. That I just thought things that weren't true.
In this case, I have a gut feeling about Pippy. it's very silly and very simple... that she is in love with me and can't stand it.
She'd do anything to avoid that truth, that very inconvenient realization that I mean something to her, that she can and does care that much. Run, run, run! It makes me laugh, even as I type it, but it really is what I think. God my friends would roast me if I ever admitted this, seriously.
I know what I should do to figure out it's honesty. I need to focus on the other parts of my life that I've neglected. Even if Pippy were here and making herself available to me, I couldn't really be with her right now because I have shit I need to get taken care of.
I'm not sure this is the solution. It's the solution that comes to mind, take care of the stuff you need to in order to have your life on track and *she* will be clear. Working on the other stuff, the balance will help me find the proper path with Pippy or whoever that she may be.
I'll note one thing, Prince Willyum does, with the shiver from his chest, does miss Princess Pippy.
Hmm... I feel a bit better.
I shan't lie, it's fear. This large textbox with green background that reminds me of an abstract Midsummer Night's Dream, is terrifying. Facing this space means acknowledging a bit of what's been going on in my head. It's not just Pippy that's been swirling around my mind and dreams. It's life, my way of life and what I'm doing.
I'm not sure I'm ready to quite face it all. To discuss the heavy stuff. My mind wants to throw-up, it wants to get it all out but the experience of throwing up can be so uncomfortable that I avoid it. I become apprehensive. Even now, typing I can feel my chest tightened, the cooling feeling of fear spread from the center. My fingers a bit less sure, my senses hyper alert as I prepare to fly... or fight.
The keys are my fight right now. Let's do a little treatise off of a brief discussion with KLC.
Love.
Theorized about for longer than not.
These three lasses, the ones I fell so fully for... no, no, no. Not the right way to start.
When I've fallen for a girl, it's a indescribable feeling, of course but... no, still wrong.
This fear is not without some good reason. Heh, fingers fumble. Mind slips. Train derails and here we are... false starts abundant.
Is it that when I fell in love that I fell in love... crap, I can't get it right. I had it... now lost.
Breathe.
Interruption.
Breathe.
Sometimes I've felt like love wasn't falling... It was there from the beginning, like I met this girl and I was instantly like "Wow" -- maybe I didn't let it overwhelm me but it was "Wow" -- Then I spent my time trying to find reasons not to be in that place. Like I've been compelled to get to know them, to learn about them, to explore the deep forest that is their soul... the jungle, the maze, and I'm looking for a reason not to be... not to be in that place. With people I didn't fall for, it's been a case of looking for reasons to really go for it.. to really like them...
Today, I sat wondering about this. Is it just we have this seed of love for everyone, everywhere and we fight it... we keep it in check? And then you meet someone and the seed germinates, instantly, but it must be nursed. You water it, give it sunshine but it doesn't mean it will grow, doesn't mean it won't be somehow destroyed... and then all of a sudden, you find that it has bud. It has grown to a point where you can't control it, where it simply is.
That's how it felt with Liss and Lo and, yes, especially Pippy... who I was so not serious about. You can read this very blog to see that she had an impact but that I was 'playing' -- I knew we were star-crossed lovers who hadn't a chance, why not learn? And then that mistaken assumption led me to water, sun, even sing to that seedling and all of a sudden it had grown and choked.
And I think not alone... it was, undoubtedly, mutual. So why am I letting myself be choked by it, drowned and corrupted?
K girl was telling me I must let her go; I feel I have, in many ways. In others, it's impossible for me to look at the seedling, still mostly young and stomp the shit out of it. Do I dare destroy it without giving it a full chance to live?
My friend Anna.yes (hi, if you've made it this far) had her latest guy move to far north coldland... I throw term "latest guy" around casually but it was far from being just casual. Reading it, I could see she had a genuine connection with this gent and that the exploration had just begun. As if it had already happened, they both just had to catch up with that fact...
That's how it has always felt for me. Liss, I remember meeting her, and we were but casual friends until one day when I was giving her a ride home and we had such a perfect chat. At that moment we both became entangled. (I still haven't figured out how she got untangled) We had made the jump and it was just a matter of continuing to explore it.
The words in my mind, I really don't wish to share right now but as long as I'm throwing up... might as well get the last bit. I admit, fully, freely and I wish not so ashamedly, that I fear finding Pippy in 4 years, running into her, only to find out she's done exactly what she ill-predicted. Gone and married, pregnant with the first of her four kids and unhappy. As much as I want to totally throw her away, destroy the essence which she transfered to me, I can't. I worry that this girl is going to hurt herself, not because she has too but because she's looking for someone to protect her from herself. Someone to stand up to her, not to dominate her but to partner with her.
Fuck, don't I sound like an arrogant prick. Oh, yeah, Prince Charming to come save the poor Princess from herself. Sound the trumpets, fire the cannons and get real!
How stupid is all of that... that I have these feelings? What truth lies beneath them, is it a truth about her? or is it just a truth about me? How much is invented by me and how much did I really see in the soul of fair Pippy?
With Lo, I was generally right, she admits this more freely today. When I felt something in my gut, like this, and I confronted her about it, she'd deny perfectly but I'd still be right. It didn't necessarily help anything but I still knew, was still perceptive enough to see it... she'd also add, appropriately, that there were times that I was wrong. That I just thought things that weren't true.
In this case, I have a gut feeling about Pippy. it's very silly and very simple... that she is in love with me and can't stand it.
She'd do anything to avoid that truth, that very inconvenient realization that I mean something to her, that she can and does care that much. Run, run, run! It makes me laugh, even as I type it, but it really is what I think. God my friends would roast me if I ever admitted this, seriously.
I know what I should do to figure out it's honesty. I need to focus on the other parts of my life that I've neglected. Even if Pippy were here and making herself available to me, I couldn't really be with her right now because I have shit I need to get taken care of.
I'm not sure this is the solution. It's the solution that comes to mind, take care of the stuff you need to in order to have your life on track and *she* will be clear. Working on the other stuff, the balance will help me find the proper path with Pippy or whoever that she may be.
I'll note one thing, Prince Willyum does, with the shiver from his chest, does miss Princess Pippy.
Hmm... I feel a bit better.
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