My OperaA Day That Goes All Wrong
Thursday, May 27, 2010 9:14:36 AM
I love my Lo.
This is going to take a while. It is a story of tragedy. It is, I'm afraid to say, my story. 11:36pm
When Lo first told me about Erk, I knew. Not because there was anything in her voice, not because she said anything, no, it was simply that she mentioned him at all to me. I'm a far away friend and any guy that warrants mentioning is someone who is worth noting.
[I'm shaking]
I knew he had caught her eye. And then I heard more about Erk over the months, late night hikes, and such and such. I immediately began to make fun of her, she had a new boy. She was playing with fire, but she denied it all the while. There was absolutely nothing at all going on with Erk.
Lo is engaged, she proposed to her guy in September and I know her all-too-well. She did it so as to not lose her guy. Her stability, "he's a very stable guy," she said to me just today.
So, a week ago Lo contacted me to tell me she had those three options for coming out to California. I knew which one I wanted but before the night was over she had decided her and Erk were going to drive out. The California adventure. I reminded her what happened on her last Cali-adventure. That's her fiance. (she was dating a guy at the time)
It's her pattern, as predictable as the phases of the moon. I may be at fault for it -- her lies and deceit, in some way.
I warned her against it, I told her it was a bad idea. In fact, I called her that night, it was a Tuesday after I got the text message from her and said, "Lo, I've got a bad feeling about this."
I hate always being right. I always am -- it's a curse.
The haste with which she made the decision was only matched by the haste with which she left Colorado on her road trip out here. We'll get back to the road trip. 17 hours on the road. Lo showed up wearing the tightest clothes, a tube-top and black stretchy pants. I noted it... they both needed showers. It was the first thing they did.
It wasn't entirely unusual, just strange.
And then the evasion began. They went to lunch together. They went to dinner together, to meet his friends. Small, annoying, but she said she'd be back at 9:00pm, "if you're there, great!"
So, I was back at 9:17, I was late... she was back at 9:50... she was very late. We only got to chat a little bit, she was closed off, she was distant. She claimed otherwise. I didn't buy it. I had to work Saturday, but she saw Erk again. And Sunday.
She was mad at me for being upset that she went to dinner with Erk on Friday night instead of coming home. I was peeved, why was she spending all this time with him, she gets to back home? But I swallowed my pride and tried not to bring it up.
However, when Monday came around it got worse again. She was rushing off to breakfast with Erk, at 8:00am. I was surprised by this -- he was supposedly staying far away. She rushed off. She came back and invited me to lunch with them, he waited in the car while she came in and asked me. This was odd but considering that Erk and I had got off on the wrong foot, I figured I had to attend this lunch as an olive branch. I didn't want to go initially but after I considered how important this guy was to her, I decided it made the most sense to go with them.
It was wretched at first but I managed a mild recovery but Erk ignored me most of the time, wouldn't engage me in conversation. It was odd. I said goodbye to Lo and Erk, leaving them on the beach and then back to work for me.
She stayed with him until 5:00pm when they came back from the beach and we headed up in the car to my job (and to drop him off eventually). On the way up, in the traffic I made some joke about having sex in that car, and Erk made an all-too-not-a-joke-jokey-remark about how it's hard to have sex in the back seat. Ah yes, I was remarking about how the back seats were uncomfortable.
I noted it and wondered but it's hardly conclusive.
Then Tuesday came about and once again she was off to have breakfast with Erk. I was dismayed and upset but she seemed disproportionally upset whenever I disapproved. So I didn't mention it. I did mention that it was my acting class tonight and I wanted her to come. She said sure. It starts at 7.
She came back for a half-hour, Erk in tow, around lunch. She was suddenly brighter, happier. I had been giving her a hard time about Erk since she got there. It seemed as if there was something there but she was only get angry and angrier.
We asked her to make us an omelet. She whipped us up an omelet, it was extremely good but as she was cooking Erk disappeared outside... she kept looking for him, like he was a lost puppy that she couldn't afford to lose or he might get ran over. He was outside on the phone.
They were off again to the beach. They needed to study for their MCATs. Now, I asked about what they were studying for when we went to lunch, since they started out lunch with actually quizzing eachother. Granted, it seemed more like flirtquizing but this is the whole reason Lo is out here. I asked what their deadline was? When did they have to take the MCAT? Oh, there was no deadline for that, college admissions have deadlines. Oh, when's that deadline for the colleges you want to apply to? The question drew blank stares.
So, Monday evening we had had another table discussion about what kind of friend I wanted and how she seemed distant and how it had been wrong of me to be overly upset when she didn't invite me to dinner with them.
She had asked me, in a round about way, if I hated him. I said, I didn't, I didn't know him, didn't know anything about him, he had just said something rude. She defended him fairly well but I tried to make it clear I had no judgments about him or her. She accused me of making judgments on her, I explained that wasn't the case, I didn't care what guy she was with as long as she was happy.
But she confessed nothing and merely said that J was her boy. She even mentioned that they might elope to Vegas. I shook my head and said I thought it was a bad idea. I came up with all sorts of reasons against it but I didn't mention the biggest one, "you're in love with someone else."
It's funny, now to think of how serious she was when she made that remark.
And so Tuesday afternoon she called me to tell me she could come to my class, of course, but she would be late. I explained that the rules of the class made that unacceptable. She promised she'd come and she could drop Erk off a little early and be at my class on time, if she wanted to come.
She pitched a fit. Had a stressed out explosion... it became a fight -- I tried desperately to reason with her. She said she would come, just drop him off early and come. "I can't leave him alone downtown for an hour and a half" -- Well, don't, he's a big boy, his friend works down there, he can go hangout with his friend, or goto a museum or a coffee shop or whatever. This is the only time you're going to get to see me perform a scene in my class. If you want to come to it, it has to be tonight and it has to be on time.
She continued to argue after I stated the obvious. Vacillating between "I just don't want to go" and "I want to go but I have to be late". I said, whatever, and was fuming. At one point I hung up on her and she called me back, I picked up too quickly because I heard her say, "I just don't know what to say" and Erk in the background, "you'll just yell at eachother more". He's right there for our tiff, how nice.
She didn't come to class but I got a text message telling me it was very important that I call her after I was out. I did and she sounded exhausted, like the Lo I know, but exhausted. She was sad and simply said, "What's it going to be? I've just lost one friend today, am I going to lose another? Is it just going to be fighting the whole time I'm here?"
I forgot to mention that Monday night, when she picked me up from work at 9pm she was annoyed, she had driven all over LA to drop off Erk. She was frustrated and peeved. Apparently he had pissed her off and she didn't like driving so much. I thought maybe this meant her little Erk infatuation was at a close but I was wrong (as evidenced by her rush to breakfast the next morning).
I was dismayed by her question, I explained that I have always been her friend and it's been that way for 9 years and I don't particularly see it ending anytime soon.
I got home and she was laying in bed. She had a migraine and was hurting. I didn't ask her about what had happened but I have a feeling it was all better, she didn't bring it up. Just simply complained about what a stressful time she was having, how bad her head hurt, how bad a time she was having out here.
I kissed her forehead goodnight after I had rubbed her neck and her temple. It was nice. If she had lost Erk as a friend it was the best damn thing that could have happened at this point.... but I had this sneaking suspicion when I took the original call that ... well, if Erk is in love with her (as I have suspected since before I saw him) then... whatever had happened would not last. A lover's quarrel?
And Wednesday morning happened. She stayed here but the battle that ensued was epic. I'm not even quite sure what started it. I think I hard heard her talking to Erk on the phone in the morning, they had made up.
I had sat down to read at the table and she was pestering me to eat breakfast. I cooked some eggs over easy and had some toast and she began acting odd again. That same "I'm hiding" something behavior I've come to know all-too-well.
I asked her what happened yesterday? She said, "I don't remember anything I said last night." I said, you said you lost a friend. She said, oh that...
She began to explain what had happened with Erk. He had become upset with her because he had a tight knit group of friends which he "allowed" her to meet. He had heard us fighting and felt that she shouldn't come home to her G-mom and me but she should go with him. That he'd never allow a friend of his to be disrespectful and make him feel bad. And that I was just making her feel bad.
She said that he thought it was wrong, just totally wrong, and that he wouldn't be her friend if she came back down here (to me). She said she decided that she had known me for 10 years and that she had to choose me. This was all a very nice story and it fits, mostly, she was devastated on the phone -- as if she had lost her boyfriend. Her G-Mom said she hadn't got in till 9:00pm on Tuesday, in any case. Something had clearly went down.
I couldn't believe it. We started going at it. Me trying to explain rationally what was going on, what I was thinking and her defending Erk and herself. Finally, I said something I ought not have said..... it was bad.
"It's not my fault you're in love with Erk"
She looked at me, appalled, completely disgusted and said, "I am ashamed of you. How could you. I am so ashamed."
And she explained that she was leaving, she was just going to leave, as soon as J left, she was out the door. I couldn't believe it. She got so very angry, I tried to talk to her but her G-mom was there and she told me to wait till she had left. I objected, believing that she'd simply run away but she said she wouldn't. I still tried to talk to her, I was panicked, I was distraught, I was watching so much of the best part of my life crumble in front of me.
She disappeared into her room. She called Erk. I interrupted, I needed my backpack to do some work. I accused her of discussing our issues with some other party and she thrust the phone at me, "check, just check!" but I didn't accept it.
I left and went to work.... and then it got worse. I had left my phone in her room and so I texted my friend through my computer-- I'll simply quote myself but it is not flattering to me.
It's a snapshot of how I was feeling. I got her last message as Lo joined me at the dining room table. Her g-mom had left. I quickly closed my computer.
I was feeling pretty crushed, I didn't want Lo to leave. Not just because Lo was leaving early but because I had no sense of how to fix this horrible situation. I love Lo very dearly, so much of my ego is invested in her and here she was abandoning me.
I started slowly, "I think only kids get to have fun at Disneyland because they're too young to care what other people think." She responded, "I have fun, I don't care." (I have more but I can't go through it right now.
I tried to be nice. I began to confess what I was truly feeling, how badly I missed her and depended on her. Then suddenly she asked to see my computer. I was confused by this but I figured she had something to check (what I couldn't see is she was checking flights).
I was continuing to speak when she stopped me and said she couldn't listen anymore. She had read my messages to Ewbug "stumbled upon by accident". She was seething. She called me a liar, she told me that no real friend would even consider lying. She took up the sword and thrust it through me. She said there was nothing I could say or do. That it was just over.
Just like the ending scene in "Closer", there was nothing else, she had just decided it was done. I had no words. I put my head down on the table and she lorded over me, her words crushing me. I couldn't cry though. She said, "I'm a woman, it's not a big deal, it's just over. Friendships end and we're just done." I pleaded, I begged.
She got up and I reached for her and she said no, pulled away.
I was gasping for air.
This was not happening.
But it was... she said she was leaving today, if she could convince J to give up the $150 ticket. She said it was all my fault, that I had made this trip miserable, that Erk didn't feel comfortable here because of me, that I had ruined it, that she was tired of these fights we'd have.
I had started to cry as I worked at the table, as I truly started to pour out my heart but at these thrusts I could not cry. Like a wounded solider I just gasped for air, completely unable to comprehend that some limb had been blown away, was simply gone.
She went away as the woman who cleans showed up. She put on her perfect face, her mask, her illusion and was very pleasant. She said, "I'm going outside to pull weeds, come with me." I did.
It was a beautiful day, sunny, we got gloves, and I was in a daze. We went to the fenceline and began to pull weeds. I was in a haze, she was completely intent on pulling the weeds and not negotiating one little bit. She was leaving and that was that, she was done with me, done with the horrible way I was treating with her and she could finally see I wasn't her friend at all.
I was being torn up. We made quick work and soon the gloves were back off. We were inside as she cleaned her (formerly my) room. She continued to let me have it and I was so afraid she was going to leave. Finally she made her plan clear to me and I knew what I had to do. I had made up my mind.
It's pretty clear that I'm the scumbag here. I'm staying with her G-mom, completely dependent on this very nice elderly woman for the roof over my head. Sure, I help with chores and I'll fix things, cut tree limbs, etc, but I'm not her grand-daughter, who she adores and loves so dearly. Even if I accepted that Lo was right about me being a terrible friend, a horrible person I wasn't going to allow myself to come between Lo and her grandmother.
[there's a cat crying outside her window now.. I told it we already had enough cat fights]
So, I gave a speech worthy of Family Circus. I said that she had been my friend for a long time, that I couldn't just turn it off and that I would likely care for her for a long time to come. Even if she hated me. She intervened, "I don't hate anyone." I retorted, "Well you are doing a really good job of acting like you hate me."
I made my speech and said that I would be a horrible friend if I allowed myself to be the reason she left. I said I was leaving. Immediately. She rolled her eyes and said, "No you're not" -- I explained that I was, and she said I wasn't leaving because I had no place to go.
This is... entirely true. I had reasoned that I might be sleeping in my car, but I have a sleeping bag and a few friends with couches. I doubt they'd let me sleep in my car forever... I mean, I hope not.
But it was finally a course of action, I felt resolute, no longer completely crushed. If she didn't believe I loved her, this was something I could do to show that she was important.
She said no way... so I stopped arguing but I had made up my mind, I could do it anyway. I was not going to let her go. I'd throw her keys on the roof, I'd get into a fight, I didn't care. So, I did one last thing.
I got down on my hands and knees and pleaded, I told her I was sorry. She didn't say anything and I got up and left, closing the door behind me. She said something.
I opened it and said, "What?", "You're so dramatic," she said. I couldn't believe my ears. I said, I was just being honest and she rolled her eyes, "You don't have to shut the door." Okay, well, I was just being polite.
I left the door open and walked away.
I went back to work, it was all I could think to do. I didn't want to call anyone, I was just feeling crushed.
She called Erk, from what I could tell, that conversation she had in private and then she called J, that conversation she had in the living room. I kept working away, trying to get my paperwork done. Gator sent me a text about having the coolest thing but we need a smooth table thing. I texted her back and explained that I had messed up and pissed her off rly bad. I apologized to her, as I knew this would probably mean she couldn't come out.
She said she knew, Lo called J yesterday and J put it on speakerphone. She asked if this meant she wasn't coming. We started texting back and forth and finally I asked if she wanted to know what was going on. I was feeling reluctant about this, it's between Lo and I but it seemed clear that it was going to involve everyone now, since I was going to be leaving.
So, we spoke on the phone and I explained what I had done, including what I said to her about Erk. She was frustrated and annoyed. She explained that her sister had been doing the same thing to her (when I explained what happened with my acting class). Apparently she had heard the story from Lo but I explained that she couldn't come late, etc.
She said she knew exactly what I was talking about. A few weeks ago she had asked Lo to come to her choir concert a week in advance and the night of the concert Lo had sat down with her and said, "Ugh, I don't know what to do. Erk invited me to a movie at 7:30 but your concert is at 7:00pm. I can't do both." and Gator responded, "Duh... yah, you can't do both."
So she sighed and complained that life was so difficult and Gator said, "don't come, I don't want you to be there if you don't want to be." But she came anyway, she went to her concert but left before Gator sang... to goto the movie. Then she disappeared for like 3 days because she was afraid or something.
Apparently I'm not the only one with this problem. Suddenly I felt a little sane... suddenly I felt like, "maybe this wasn't my fault." She went on to explain that it's how her family works, they all get really angry over really stupid stuff and they seem to forget who the really important people are in their lives. She admitted she was a bit worried she'd end up like that.
I said I didn't know what to do, that she was furious with me and all that was important is that she got to come out and see her grandmother and that Lo was happy. She said I was stupid for the last one. Literally, she said I was stupid, that it wasn't my job and that she wouldn't be happy anyway.
And then she told me not to worry. It would work out, Lo explodes and then calms down and acts like everything is better. I wasn't so sure. I hadn't seen her this angry since.... well, in years.
She told me what to do. I had to buy her flowers and write her a nice note. Apologizing for whatever I had done and telling her what I needed. She said it was really that simple... that when people do nice things for her she gets happy. Flowers were her suggestion, yellow.
I couldn't argue too much.
But then I got another message from Gator, "U know what i think u were right to tell her that. i think i might just yell at her myself. although it wont make anything any better. she needs to hear it ..." and added that she had talked with her mom (this was a bad sign) and the main issue wasn't me, it was "Lo Erk and J" -- I knew that I was in trouble once she mentioned she had discussed it with her mom because her mom couldn't keep her mouth shut if there were a swarm of locusts attacking. She just talks...
Lo... went to bed. It was relief. Lo is always agreeable in her sleep. She's pretty and nice... though, now when she sleeps, she looks like she's frowning -- it's sort of sad. Her face always looked relaxed but it just seems sadder now.
She slept.
Her G-mom returned and I said that we had a tiff, she nodded knowingly and we left it at that. It's embarrassing, it's shameful. I'm not the best guy in the world, I make so many mistakes but I didn't want to be the cause of problems here. Being right isn't good enough, it's about being good.
Lo finally woke up as I was starting to get ready to goto a work meeting. She was rested and polite and acted as if nothing at all had happened. Literally, nothing.
She asked what time I'd be back so we could go shopping at the market. And she discussed sleeping arrangements for her, J and myself. Yes, literally, after her little nap, she was discussing everything as if I were staying. I didn't really comment, remarking that J and I could share the futon. Making a joke about how it's best to get that awkward stuff out of the way so we could move on in our relationship.
She was nice. I was confused. Very confused.
I raced off to work and I had to call her to see if I left my badge here, I had. It was frustrating. As I was getting ready to leave she called me to tell me to pick her up from the gym so we could go straight to the grocery store. I didn't argue, I was still in a haze (other than picking her up, I forgot the other directions she gave me, like grab the shopping list and her wallet and such).
I got back and grabbed her car, heading to the gym. I parked and called Ewbug, it's her birthday and she called me back, she was busy getting trashed. I explained a bit of what was going on and she said, "She's a hoe" and that it's bullshit that I have to take it. She asked me if I'd put up with it if it wasn't for Gator and her G-mom and I said, definitely not. I can't be sure though, can I?
I'd like to believe I'd simply say, "Lo, you're full of shit. When you're ready to be honest with me, ready to have a true friend, give me a call, till then, later!" But deep-down, I have my doubts. She said she wished she was sober so she could wire me money so I could stay in a hotel away from her. I laughed but.. I sort of wish she had been too. I don't think I would have done it, it would just add to the drama but it'd be nice to have the choice.
She came out of the gym, just as friendly and cheery. I was on eggshells. I had forgotten the list, the bag, her wallet but we went anyway. I would be buying. She was polite, even joking with me, very nice... just the picture of "picture perfect". I felt like a mouse that's being toyed with. When would she strike again?
On the way back she said, "By the way, thanks for talking to my sister about our fight," oh-so-sarcastically. She was mad but restrained, "That's not okay. I know you can talk to her and it feels like she's 25 but she's young and I want to protect her from this stuff." I felt horrible all over again. I had only briefly considered that Gator would be stressed out by this, how selfish of me. "She has enough stress, people fighting in her life and I want to protect her. It's one of the reasons I like J, he's very stable."
I was quiet for a bit after this. I apologized again and said she was right. She joked back.
We made some food and even shared a glass of wine. I started singing a bit to the music that her g-mom was playing and she made some joke about my singing. Then she said she was at Gator's choir concert a few weeks ago and that she wasn't very good. I didn't cringe but kept my face even. She needs to practice more, we both agreed. And that's all she need do, her family has good singing voices.
I spoke about my acting at one point and she said, "Oh, that's right you're such a great actor, you were going to act you're way through to my black shriveled heart" -- it was a legitimate joke by her but I was so guilt-stricken I couldn't keep up the facade. She told me to relax, she was joking. She was joking about it now? She was saying it was okay?
I was even more confused. Is it okay? What's going on?
And then it was too bed, she said she was feeling exhausted and I, once again, closed the window for her and shut off the light... but tonight she didn't have my plug in her phone (it doesn't reach to the bed) she kept it with her.
The rest of us decided to go to bed as well and as I laid down with this computer in my lap to type about today, to get this off my chest I could hear her giggling. And her talking.
And I did something bad... I went to her door and eavesdropped. The walls are pretty paper-thin, and I realize this, I thought for sure she would too. I wasn't sure who she was talking to but she was giggling a lot and I had a suspect.
I was risking a lot but I wanted to know and ....
"What's the worst thing I've ever done?" she repeated to him.
Generally, she said it was "failing to learn lessons from her mistakes" but specifically she said, "Well, I know it probably doesn't seem this way to you... but probably these past few months."
It could be anything...
She spoke about the night she went hiking, she spoke in that voice that lover's use. She spoke about the car trip, how it was difficult to drive with him doing that to her. How she should wear skirts more often and how... "he wasn't driving."
She said, "You should goto bed, in my bed." And as if to confirm it, he didn't hear it and she repeated it. I've heard this line before from Lo, it's as familiar as a song-bird's cry.
She wished him sweet dreams after their conversation about how the backpack life appeals to her, how she wants simplicity in her life, and how she doesn't have multiple personality disorder because one of the characteristics is you don't realize it.... and yet, I have to wonder a bit.
She spoke of how she laughs at deceiving "him" when he sent her a text saying "tell me when you and Erk get back" -- oh, she giggled at some remark he made.
And I had started this post to talk about how close I had come to the abyss, how horrible I felt and how messed up everything was.
Part of me wanted to bust open the door and proclaim, "You horrid bitch, you lying whore, you bitch." But how could I? I knew all this... I had to know, sure, this is the tangible, from her own mouth proof but what good would come from it? VINDICATION!
Yes, vindication, I was right all-along, it wasn't my fault, it was never my fault. You just wanted to meet up with your boyfriend so you could fuck him. You're having an affair and you're not even married! And your furious with me for the same reason you've always been furious with me, I can see through your lies. I can see your wretched behavior.
Lo had a near pregnancy and... I wonder if she knows who the culprit was. It's quite possible nothing sexual happened till this trip, hence the fast escape and desperate escapade.
All along she's been saying, "I don't care about Erk, he's on his own," and I've pointed to her behavior and she becomes even more angry.
She had the audacity to condemn me for considering lying to her and here she was lying about everything. I'm not even sure I understand the depths of the depravity necessary to behave in such a manner... to me, her good friend who has said point-blank, "I don't care who you are with, I don't care what guy you end up with as long as it isn't me."
She who was furious when I walked into the kitchen and said, "You're boy is outside on the phone." She said to me, as she held the knife, "I swear if you call him that one more time, it is not funny." An I said to her as she was leaving, "I didn't actually mean it as funny, just accurate."
So why the rush to spend time with Erk?
J arrives tomorrow. She "doesn't know why he's coming out" but even I suspect. Even he must suspect.
There is apart of me that wants to take this knowledge and be so evil. To lord it over her, to take this new found power and make her do whatever the fuck I want. She's been tormenting me all day for being right. I'm not crazy, I'm not responsible. I'm just telling her what I am sensing and she gets offended. Yesterday it was a simple as, "I want to spend a few more hours with my boyfriend." That I can understand, that I can logically "get". She even ditches her little sis for that simple motivation.
And so now... what to do?
Gator said I should do something nice, flowers. I'm not sure I can bring myself to do it.... likewise, I see no purpose in even confronting her. I now know she's lying. She's lying to everyone except her secret boyfriend... which is funny, because I was once her secret boyfriend. Kept secret from everyone. She said he is a lot like me, in many ways. She can have her cake and eat it too. She admitted she wasn't built to be monogamous but the demands of society mean marriage is a requirement. I agree, marriage as an institution is a bit of a failure but I don't agree that entering into that contract untruthfully is a good idea.
She said she'd do a fake wedding if she could, just pretend, to make everyone happy but I didn't think J would ever go for that, she agreed.
Lo has cheated on just about every guy she's ever been with (the guy before me, who she only dated for a while and was long distance, I'm not so sure about) and while I don't really begrudge her the comforts and safety she longs for I do worry.
I'm angry and...
I'm right.
Again.
It's tough always being right. I've been right for these past few months.
What I don't know now is, Why?
Why the lies, why the deceit. She'd do much better to bring me into the fold and demand I protect her secret than leave me outside. By leaving me outside, knowing full well that I suspect (though she may think she crushed that suspicion now) she holds less power over me. She's a smart cookie, she must realize the danger of having me nearby.
Ah, perhaps she does, eh? She did become more and more furious, angry and want to be rid of me?
Now that I know the truth it's much easier to predict a few things. She'll stay. So will Erk. J leaves next week, I leave at the end of the week and they'll have a week-and-a-half to themselves. It'll be pure joy for them. Their love will blossom and there's no way they'll give that up. After that, I'm not as sure. If I leave it alone she may come around -- but I doubt it.
You know, I sort of thought, when she first proposed this trip, that she was coming out here because she needed me to help her come to her senses. Gator put it best, "i just thought about i more and lo has no idea what she wants or what she has already and for her to figure it out it may take losing everything. still do the flowers though".
What did happen Tuesday night? Did he really break up with her? It'd make sense that he'd say, "Me or him!" He has the power now, she wants him badly and she's deeply under his influence. She did truly sound devastated. Does she just want me out of her way to make things better?
She's so happy J is coming tomorrow, her boy, her guy... her "perfect life"... and yet it's a bit of a lie isn't it? I mean, sure, she'd rationalize and say that it isn't a lie because everyone believes it is true so long as she keeps up the act with her stable guy. She's apparently willingly to marry the stable guy so as to keep him but will that be the end of her affair?
What to do? I'm not J's friend, never have been, I barely know him. Gator and I have been speculating for months (she even surreptitiously reviewed her sister's text messages for evidence, not at my request, of her own initiative).
So is this the impetus for the arguments that we've been having? I mean, she is ditching me as a friend and being a total friend-failure because she has new lover fever. I know I feel the same way when I meet a girl and first get together with her. I want to say, "SCREW YOU WORLD!"
But is Lo going to run off with this guy? Go live with him, go backpacking and run away from all of this? She'd do it... if he could afford her, I have no doubt but she would, like she does, grow bored all too quickly. She is that girl and I am loathe to say it, but neither of these guys are right for her.
I don't know who is.
She casts as spell that is difficult to break, she's effective, she's horrendous and she's my girl. I'm not sure how to help her, heal her or lift her up. Worse, I feel partially responsible, after our long love affair where I did not stand up to her ridiculous demands and allowed myself to be kept a secret.
But oh how love is a powerful thing... they won't leave each other until some end is hit, until they must be together or break up.
I have this unconditional love for Lo, I confessed to it and I really do feel it.
And this is odd... I just saw in my other window, I had written Lo a letter on my computer, there's a paragraph highlighted and I know I didn't do it. It's this one:
A subtle message? Is there a way to bridge these two girls so that she may find some happiness, so she isn't so fractured?
Is it a lost cause? I don't think so -- I'm just not sure I'm smart enough to figure it out.
I was going to sneak out of the house and go buy some flowers tonight, it's now 2:09am. There's some part of me that believes that now, more than ever, she needs that love, she needs to be reminded that she has the strength to do the right thing, even for her. Today she was discussing with J on the phone how they are going to introduce their parents to each other.
She called Erk on the phone crazy and admitted she was crazy herself. I'm not so sure. All her actions and behavior seem to be coming into focus. Except I don't get me. I don't get how I fit into the picture except as an inconvenience, one she could easily be rid of.
Ah, but she must balance. Erk cannot take care of her, she depends on maintaining appearances for her parents and for J. Her stability.
And what is my obligation to her? Ethically and morally?
The evil part wants to go into her room and demand the most loathsome acts in exchange for silence. The good part wants to go immediately to the store, knowing how much trouble her heart's in and make amends as quickly as possible so she realizes I'm on her side, wherever she wants to stand and with whoever, so long as she is happy.
I just don't know.
Yum
This is going to take a while. It is a story of tragedy. It is, I'm afraid to say, my story. 11:36pm
When Lo first told me about Erk, I knew. Not because there was anything in her voice, not because she said anything, no, it was simply that she mentioned him at all to me. I'm a far away friend and any guy that warrants mentioning is someone who is worth noting.
[I'm shaking]
I knew he had caught her eye. And then I heard more about Erk over the months, late night hikes, and such and such. I immediately began to make fun of her, she had a new boy. She was playing with fire, but she denied it all the while. There was absolutely nothing at all going on with Erk.
Lo is engaged, she proposed to her guy in September and I know her all-too-well. She did it so as to not lose her guy. Her stability, "he's a very stable guy," she said to me just today.
So, a week ago Lo contacted me to tell me she had those three options for coming out to California. I knew which one I wanted but before the night was over she had decided her and Erk were going to drive out. The California adventure. I reminded her what happened on her last Cali-adventure. That's her fiance. (she was dating a guy at the time)
It's her pattern, as predictable as the phases of the moon. I may be at fault for it -- her lies and deceit, in some way.
I warned her against it, I told her it was a bad idea. In fact, I called her that night, it was a Tuesday after I got the text message from her and said, "Lo, I've got a bad feeling about this."
I hate always being right. I always am -- it's a curse.
The haste with which she made the decision was only matched by the haste with which she left Colorado on her road trip out here. We'll get back to the road trip. 17 hours on the road. Lo showed up wearing the tightest clothes, a tube-top and black stretchy pants. I noted it... they both needed showers. It was the first thing they did.
It wasn't entirely unusual, just strange.
And then the evasion began. They went to lunch together. They went to dinner together, to meet his friends. Small, annoying, but she said she'd be back at 9:00pm, "if you're there, great!"
So, I was back at 9:17, I was late... she was back at 9:50... she was very late. We only got to chat a little bit, she was closed off, she was distant. She claimed otherwise. I didn't buy it. I had to work Saturday, but she saw Erk again. And Sunday.
She was mad at me for being upset that she went to dinner with Erk on Friday night instead of coming home. I was peeved, why was she spending all this time with him, she gets to back home? But I swallowed my pride and tried not to bring it up.
However, when Monday came around it got worse again. She was rushing off to breakfast with Erk, at 8:00am. I was surprised by this -- he was supposedly staying far away. She rushed off. She came back and invited me to lunch with them, he waited in the car while she came in and asked me. This was odd but considering that Erk and I had got off on the wrong foot, I figured I had to attend this lunch as an olive branch. I didn't want to go initially but after I considered how important this guy was to her, I decided it made the most sense to go with them.
It was wretched at first but I managed a mild recovery but Erk ignored me most of the time, wouldn't engage me in conversation. It was odd. I said goodbye to Lo and Erk, leaving them on the beach and then back to work for me.
She stayed with him until 5:00pm when they came back from the beach and we headed up in the car to my job (and to drop him off eventually). On the way up, in the traffic I made some joke about having sex in that car, and Erk made an all-too-not-a-joke-jokey-remark about how it's hard to have sex in the back seat. Ah yes, I was remarking about how the back seats were uncomfortable.
I noted it and wondered but it's hardly conclusive.
Then Tuesday came about and once again she was off to have breakfast with Erk. I was dismayed and upset but she seemed disproportionally upset whenever I disapproved. So I didn't mention it. I did mention that it was my acting class tonight and I wanted her to come. She said sure. It starts at 7.
She came back for a half-hour, Erk in tow, around lunch. She was suddenly brighter, happier. I had been giving her a hard time about Erk since she got there. It seemed as if there was something there but she was only get angry and angrier.
We asked her to make us an omelet. She whipped us up an omelet, it was extremely good but as she was cooking Erk disappeared outside... she kept looking for him, like he was a lost puppy that she couldn't afford to lose or he might get ran over. He was outside on the phone.
They were off again to the beach. They needed to study for their MCATs. Now, I asked about what they were studying for when we went to lunch, since they started out lunch with actually quizzing eachother. Granted, it seemed more like flirtquizing but this is the whole reason Lo is out here. I asked what their deadline was? When did they have to take the MCAT? Oh, there was no deadline for that, college admissions have deadlines. Oh, when's that deadline for the colleges you want to apply to? The question drew blank stares.
So, Monday evening we had had another table discussion about what kind of friend I wanted and how she seemed distant and how it had been wrong of me to be overly upset when she didn't invite me to dinner with them.
She had asked me, in a round about way, if I hated him. I said, I didn't, I didn't know him, didn't know anything about him, he had just said something rude. She defended him fairly well but I tried to make it clear I had no judgments about him or her. She accused me of making judgments on her, I explained that wasn't the case, I didn't care what guy she was with as long as she was happy.
But she confessed nothing and merely said that J was her boy. She even mentioned that they might elope to Vegas. I shook my head and said I thought it was a bad idea. I came up with all sorts of reasons against it but I didn't mention the biggest one, "you're in love with someone else."
It's funny, now to think of how serious she was when she made that remark.
And so Tuesday afternoon she called me to tell me she could come to my class, of course, but she would be late. I explained that the rules of the class made that unacceptable. She promised she'd come and she could drop Erk off a little early and be at my class on time, if she wanted to come.
She pitched a fit. Had a stressed out explosion... it became a fight -- I tried desperately to reason with her. She said she would come, just drop him off early and come. "I can't leave him alone downtown for an hour and a half" -- Well, don't, he's a big boy, his friend works down there, he can go hangout with his friend, or goto a museum or a coffee shop or whatever. This is the only time you're going to get to see me perform a scene in my class. If you want to come to it, it has to be tonight and it has to be on time.
She continued to argue after I stated the obvious. Vacillating between "I just don't want to go" and "I want to go but I have to be late". I said, whatever, and was fuming. At one point I hung up on her and she called me back, I picked up too quickly because I heard her say, "I just don't know what to say" and Erk in the background, "you'll just yell at eachother more". He's right there for our tiff, how nice.
She didn't come to class but I got a text message telling me it was very important that I call her after I was out. I did and she sounded exhausted, like the Lo I know, but exhausted. She was sad and simply said, "What's it going to be? I've just lost one friend today, am I going to lose another? Is it just going to be fighting the whole time I'm here?"
I forgot to mention that Monday night, when she picked me up from work at 9pm she was annoyed, she had driven all over LA to drop off Erk. She was frustrated and peeved. Apparently he had pissed her off and she didn't like driving so much. I thought maybe this meant her little Erk infatuation was at a close but I was wrong (as evidenced by her rush to breakfast the next morning).
I was dismayed by her question, I explained that I have always been her friend and it's been that way for 9 years and I don't particularly see it ending anytime soon.
I got home and she was laying in bed. She had a migraine and was hurting. I didn't ask her about what had happened but I have a feeling it was all better, she didn't bring it up. Just simply complained about what a stressful time she was having, how bad her head hurt, how bad a time she was having out here.
I kissed her forehead goodnight after I had rubbed her neck and her temple. It was nice. If she had lost Erk as a friend it was the best damn thing that could have happened at this point.... but I had this sneaking suspicion when I took the original call that ... well, if Erk is in love with her (as I have suspected since before I saw him) then... whatever had happened would not last. A lover's quarrel?
And Wednesday morning happened. She stayed here but the battle that ensued was epic. I'm not even quite sure what started it. I think I hard heard her talking to Erk on the phone in the morning, they had made up.
I had sat down to read at the table and she was pestering me to eat breakfast. I cooked some eggs over easy and had some toast and she began acting odd again. That same "I'm hiding" something behavior I've come to know all-too-well.
I asked her what happened yesterday? She said, "I don't remember anything I said last night." I said, you said you lost a friend. She said, oh that...
She began to explain what had happened with Erk. He had become upset with her because he had a tight knit group of friends which he "allowed" her to meet. He had heard us fighting and felt that she shouldn't come home to her G-mom and me but she should go with him. That he'd never allow a friend of his to be disrespectful and make him feel bad. And that I was just making her feel bad.
She said that he thought it was wrong, just totally wrong, and that he wouldn't be her friend if she came back down here (to me). She said she decided that she had known me for 10 years and that she had to choose me. This was all a very nice story and it fits, mostly, she was devastated on the phone -- as if she had lost her boyfriend. Her G-Mom said she hadn't got in till 9:00pm on Tuesday, in any case. Something had clearly went down.
I couldn't believe it. We started going at it. Me trying to explain rationally what was going on, what I was thinking and her defending Erk and herself. Finally, I said something I ought not have said..... it was bad.
"It's not my fault you're in love with Erk"
She looked at me, appalled, completely disgusted and said, "I am ashamed of you. How could you. I am so ashamed."
And she explained that she was leaving, she was just going to leave, as soon as J left, she was out the door. I couldn't believe it. She got so very angry, I tried to talk to her but her G-mom was there and she told me to wait till she had left. I objected, believing that she'd simply run away but she said she wouldn't. I still tried to talk to her, I was panicked, I was distraught, I was watching so much of the best part of my life crumble in front of me.
She disappeared into her room. She called Erk. I interrupted, I needed my backpack to do some work. I accused her of discussing our issues with some other party and she thrust the phone at me, "check, just check!" but I didn't accept it.
I left and went to work.... and then it got worse. I had left my phone in her room and so I texted my friend through my computer-- I'll simply quote myself but it is not flattering to me.
Me: omg, the worst is happening. don't call, i don't have my phone... she's losing it and i said the totally wrong thing... now she says she's leaving early. 11:34 AM
Me: i think the only thing i can do is lie through my teeth, see the error in my ways, admit it is all my fault, apologize until she believes me & beg forgiveness 11:34 AM
Me: i'm so alone ewbug. i dont know how to make this right -- not right, it can't be right bc she can't see the truth. but right for me, so she doesn't hate me 11:35 AM
Me: i could come up with the lie & stick to it but i'm not even sure that'll be enough. 11:36 AM
Me: i'm going to have to act my little ass off. 11:37 AM
Me: i can claim i'm just jealous she's going to marry j, take it back into safe territory, say i just couldn't admit the truth to myself until now. 11:38 AM
Me: at least i now understand why the rush to marry J. some of it to convince herself she's in love with him 11:42 AM
Me: no advice? 11:49 AM
Ew Bug: Don't lie 11:53 AM
Me: she'll hate me, she'll leave, she'll tell her grandmother i'm horrible, she'll never allow gator out here. 11:54 AM
Me: she already said she would leave tue when j leaves -- "because of me" 11:54 AM
Me: u see, she has marked me enemy, everything i say to her is heard from the lens of "he is wrong, it's his fault and he wants to ruin my life" 11:55 AM
Me: i could tell her the world is a oblong sphere and she'd disagree b/c she hates me that much at the moment 11:58 AM
Ew Bug: When the hell did this happen 12:00 PM
Me: idk, but the convo is about to begin 12:01 PM
Me: it's simple, if i don't convince her i'm crazy, then she'll believe i think she is and not trust me 12:07 PM
Ew Bug: Woahhh 12:08 PM
Ew Bug: Idk what to tell you other than to play nice 12:09 PM
It's a snapshot of how I was feeling. I got her last message as Lo joined me at the dining room table. Her g-mom had left. I quickly closed my computer.
I was feeling pretty crushed, I didn't want Lo to leave. Not just because Lo was leaving early but because I had no sense of how to fix this horrible situation. I love Lo very dearly, so much of my ego is invested in her and here she was abandoning me.
I started slowly, "I think only kids get to have fun at Disneyland because they're too young to care what other people think." She responded, "I have fun, I don't care." (I have more but I can't go through it right now.
I tried to be nice. I began to confess what I was truly feeling, how badly I missed her and depended on her. Then suddenly she asked to see my computer. I was confused by this but I figured she had something to check (what I couldn't see is she was checking flights).
I was continuing to speak when she stopped me and said she couldn't listen anymore. She had read my messages to Ewbug "stumbled upon by accident". She was seething. She called me a liar, she told me that no real friend would even consider lying. She took up the sword and thrust it through me. She said there was nothing I could say or do. That it was just over.
Just like the ending scene in "Closer", there was nothing else, she had just decided it was done. I had no words. I put my head down on the table and she lorded over me, her words crushing me. I couldn't cry though. She said, "I'm a woman, it's not a big deal, it's just over. Friendships end and we're just done." I pleaded, I begged.
She got up and I reached for her and she said no, pulled away.
I was gasping for air.
This was not happening.
But it was... she said she was leaving today, if she could convince J to give up the $150 ticket. She said it was all my fault, that I had made this trip miserable, that Erk didn't feel comfortable here because of me, that I had ruined it, that she was tired of these fights we'd have.
I had started to cry as I worked at the table, as I truly started to pour out my heart but at these thrusts I could not cry. Like a wounded solider I just gasped for air, completely unable to comprehend that some limb had been blown away, was simply gone.
She went away as the woman who cleans showed up. She put on her perfect face, her mask, her illusion and was very pleasant. She said, "I'm going outside to pull weeds, come with me." I did.
It was a beautiful day, sunny, we got gloves, and I was in a daze. We went to the fenceline and began to pull weeds. I was in a haze, she was completely intent on pulling the weeds and not negotiating one little bit. She was leaving and that was that, she was done with me, done with the horrible way I was treating with her and she could finally see I wasn't her friend at all.
I was being torn up. We made quick work and soon the gloves were back off. We were inside as she cleaned her (formerly my) room. She continued to let me have it and I was so afraid she was going to leave. Finally she made her plan clear to me and I knew what I had to do. I had made up my mind.
It's pretty clear that I'm the scumbag here. I'm staying with her G-mom, completely dependent on this very nice elderly woman for the roof over my head. Sure, I help with chores and I'll fix things, cut tree limbs, etc, but I'm not her grand-daughter, who she adores and loves so dearly. Even if I accepted that Lo was right about me being a terrible friend, a horrible person I wasn't going to allow myself to come between Lo and her grandmother.
[there's a cat crying outside her window now.. I told it we already had enough cat fights]
So, I gave a speech worthy of Family Circus. I said that she had been my friend for a long time, that I couldn't just turn it off and that I would likely care for her for a long time to come. Even if she hated me. She intervened, "I don't hate anyone." I retorted, "Well you are doing a really good job of acting like you hate me."
I made my speech and said that I would be a horrible friend if I allowed myself to be the reason she left. I said I was leaving. Immediately. She rolled her eyes and said, "No you're not" -- I explained that I was, and she said I wasn't leaving because I had no place to go.
This is... entirely true. I had reasoned that I might be sleeping in my car, but I have a sleeping bag and a few friends with couches. I doubt they'd let me sleep in my car forever... I mean, I hope not.
But it was finally a course of action, I felt resolute, no longer completely crushed. If she didn't believe I loved her, this was something I could do to show that she was important.
She said no way... so I stopped arguing but I had made up my mind, I could do it anyway. I was not going to let her go. I'd throw her keys on the roof, I'd get into a fight, I didn't care. So, I did one last thing.
I got down on my hands and knees and pleaded, I told her I was sorry. She didn't say anything and I got up and left, closing the door behind me. She said something.
I opened it and said, "What?", "You're so dramatic," she said. I couldn't believe my ears. I said, I was just being honest and she rolled her eyes, "You don't have to shut the door." Okay, well, I was just being polite.
I left the door open and walked away.
I went back to work, it was all I could think to do. I didn't want to call anyone, I was just feeling crushed.
She called Erk, from what I could tell, that conversation she had in private and then she called J, that conversation she had in the living room. I kept working away, trying to get my paperwork done. Gator sent me a text about having the coolest thing but we need a smooth table thing. I texted her back and explained that I had messed up and pissed her off rly bad. I apologized to her, as I knew this would probably mean she couldn't come out.
She said she knew, Lo called J yesterday and J put it on speakerphone. She asked if this meant she wasn't coming. We started texting back and forth and finally I asked if she wanted to know what was going on. I was feeling reluctant about this, it's between Lo and I but it seemed clear that it was going to involve everyone now, since I was going to be leaving.
So, we spoke on the phone and I explained what I had done, including what I said to her about Erk. She was frustrated and annoyed. She explained that her sister had been doing the same thing to her (when I explained what happened with my acting class). Apparently she had heard the story from Lo but I explained that she couldn't come late, etc.
She said she knew exactly what I was talking about. A few weeks ago she had asked Lo to come to her choir concert a week in advance and the night of the concert Lo had sat down with her and said, "Ugh, I don't know what to do. Erk invited me to a movie at 7:30 but your concert is at 7:00pm. I can't do both." and Gator responded, "Duh... yah, you can't do both."
So she sighed and complained that life was so difficult and Gator said, "don't come, I don't want you to be there if you don't want to be." But she came anyway, she went to her concert but left before Gator sang... to goto the movie. Then she disappeared for like 3 days because she was afraid or something.
Apparently I'm not the only one with this problem. Suddenly I felt a little sane... suddenly I felt like, "maybe this wasn't my fault." She went on to explain that it's how her family works, they all get really angry over really stupid stuff and they seem to forget who the really important people are in their lives. She admitted she was a bit worried she'd end up like that.
I said I didn't know what to do, that she was furious with me and all that was important is that she got to come out and see her grandmother and that Lo was happy. She said I was stupid for the last one. Literally, she said I was stupid, that it wasn't my job and that she wouldn't be happy anyway.
And then she told me not to worry. It would work out, Lo explodes and then calms down and acts like everything is better. I wasn't so sure. I hadn't seen her this angry since.... well, in years.
She told me what to do. I had to buy her flowers and write her a nice note. Apologizing for whatever I had done and telling her what I needed. She said it was really that simple... that when people do nice things for her she gets happy. Flowers were her suggestion, yellow.
I couldn't argue too much.
But then I got another message from Gator, "U know what i think u were right to tell her that. i think i might just yell at her myself. although it wont make anything any better. she needs to hear it ..." and added that she had talked with her mom (this was a bad sign) and the main issue wasn't me, it was "Lo Erk and J" -- I knew that I was in trouble once she mentioned she had discussed it with her mom because her mom couldn't keep her mouth shut if there were a swarm of locusts attacking. She just talks...
Lo... went to bed. It was relief. Lo is always agreeable in her sleep. She's pretty and nice... though, now when she sleeps, she looks like she's frowning -- it's sort of sad. Her face always looked relaxed but it just seems sadder now.
She slept.
Her G-mom returned and I said that we had a tiff, she nodded knowingly and we left it at that. It's embarrassing, it's shameful. I'm not the best guy in the world, I make so many mistakes but I didn't want to be the cause of problems here. Being right isn't good enough, it's about being good.
Lo finally woke up as I was starting to get ready to goto a work meeting. She was rested and polite and acted as if nothing at all had happened. Literally, nothing.
She asked what time I'd be back so we could go shopping at the market. And she discussed sleeping arrangements for her, J and myself. Yes, literally, after her little nap, she was discussing everything as if I were staying. I didn't really comment, remarking that J and I could share the futon. Making a joke about how it's best to get that awkward stuff out of the way so we could move on in our relationship.
She was nice. I was confused. Very confused.
I raced off to work and I had to call her to see if I left my badge here, I had. It was frustrating. As I was getting ready to leave she called me to tell me to pick her up from the gym so we could go straight to the grocery store. I didn't argue, I was still in a haze (other than picking her up, I forgot the other directions she gave me, like grab the shopping list and her wallet and such).
I got back and grabbed her car, heading to the gym. I parked and called Ewbug, it's her birthday and she called me back, she was busy getting trashed. I explained a bit of what was going on and she said, "She's a hoe" and that it's bullshit that I have to take it. She asked me if I'd put up with it if it wasn't for Gator and her G-mom and I said, definitely not. I can't be sure though, can I?
I'd like to believe I'd simply say, "Lo, you're full of shit. When you're ready to be honest with me, ready to have a true friend, give me a call, till then, later!" But deep-down, I have my doubts. She said she wished she was sober so she could wire me money so I could stay in a hotel away from her. I laughed but.. I sort of wish she had been too. I don't think I would have done it, it would just add to the drama but it'd be nice to have the choice.
She came out of the gym, just as friendly and cheery. I was on eggshells. I had forgotten the list, the bag, her wallet but we went anyway. I would be buying. She was polite, even joking with me, very nice... just the picture of "picture perfect". I felt like a mouse that's being toyed with. When would she strike again?
On the way back she said, "By the way, thanks for talking to my sister about our fight," oh-so-sarcastically. She was mad but restrained, "That's not okay. I know you can talk to her and it feels like she's 25 but she's young and I want to protect her from this stuff." I felt horrible all over again. I had only briefly considered that Gator would be stressed out by this, how selfish of me. "She has enough stress, people fighting in her life and I want to protect her. It's one of the reasons I like J, he's very stable."
I was quiet for a bit after this. I apologized again and said she was right. She joked back.
We made some food and even shared a glass of wine. I started singing a bit to the music that her g-mom was playing and she made some joke about my singing. Then she said she was at Gator's choir concert a few weeks ago and that she wasn't very good. I didn't cringe but kept my face even. She needs to practice more, we both agreed. And that's all she need do, her family has good singing voices.
I spoke about my acting at one point and she said, "Oh, that's right you're such a great actor, you were going to act you're way through to my black shriveled heart" -- it was a legitimate joke by her but I was so guilt-stricken I couldn't keep up the facade. She told me to relax, she was joking. She was joking about it now? She was saying it was okay?
I was even more confused. Is it okay? What's going on?
And then it was too bed, she said she was feeling exhausted and I, once again, closed the window for her and shut off the light... but tonight she didn't have my plug in her phone (it doesn't reach to the bed) she kept it with her.
The rest of us decided to go to bed as well and as I laid down with this computer in my lap to type about today, to get this off my chest I could hear her giggling. And her talking.
And I did something bad... I went to her door and eavesdropped. The walls are pretty paper-thin, and I realize this, I thought for sure she would too. I wasn't sure who she was talking to but she was giggling a lot and I had a suspect.
I was risking a lot but I wanted to know and ....
"What's the worst thing I've ever done?" she repeated to him.
Generally, she said it was "failing to learn lessons from her mistakes" but specifically she said, "Well, I know it probably doesn't seem this way to you... but probably these past few months."
It could be anything...
She spoke about the night she went hiking, she spoke in that voice that lover's use. She spoke about the car trip, how it was difficult to drive with him doing that to her. How she should wear skirts more often and how... "he wasn't driving."
She said, "You should goto bed, in my bed." And as if to confirm it, he didn't hear it and she repeated it. I've heard this line before from Lo, it's as familiar as a song-bird's cry.
She wished him sweet dreams after their conversation about how the backpack life appeals to her, how she wants simplicity in her life, and how she doesn't have multiple personality disorder because one of the characteristics is you don't realize it.... and yet, I have to wonder a bit.
She spoke of how she laughs at deceiving "him" when he sent her a text saying "tell me when you and Erk get back" -- oh, she giggled at some remark he made.
And I had started this post to talk about how close I had come to the abyss, how horrible I felt and how messed up everything was.
Part of me wanted to bust open the door and proclaim, "You horrid bitch, you lying whore, you bitch." But how could I? I knew all this... I had to know, sure, this is the tangible, from her own mouth proof but what good would come from it? VINDICATION!
Yes, vindication, I was right all-along, it wasn't my fault, it was never my fault. You just wanted to meet up with your boyfriend so you could fuck him. You're having an affair and you're not even married! And your furious with me for the same reason you've always been furious with me, I can see through your lies. I can see your wretched behavior.
Lo had a near pregnancy and... I wonder if she knows who the culprit was. It's quite possible nothing sexual happened till this trip, hence the fast escape and desperate escapade.
All along she's been saying, "I don't care about Erk, he's on his own," and I've pointed to her behavior and she becomes even more angry.
She had the audacity to condemn me for considering lying to her and here she was lying about everything. I'm not even sure I understand the depths of the depravity necessary to behave in such a manner... to me, her good friend who has said point-blank, "I don't care who you are with, I don't care what guy you end up with as long as it isn't me."
She who was furious when I walked into the kitchen and said, "You're boy is outside on the phone." She said to me, as she held the knife, "I swear if you call him that one more time, it is not funny." An I said to her as she was leaving, "I didn't actually mean it as funny, just accurate."
So why the rush to spend time with Erk?
J arrives tomorrow. She "doesn't know why he's coming out" but even I suspect. Even he must suspect.
There is apart of me that wants to take this knowledge and be so evil. To lord it over her, to take this new found power and make her do whatever the fuck I want. She's been tormenting me all day for being right. I'm not crazy, I'm not responsible. I'm just telling her what I am sensing and she gets offended. Yesterday it was a simple as, "I want to spend a few more hours with my boyfriend." That I can understand, that I can logically "get". She even ditches her little sis for that simple motivation.
And so now... what to do?
Gator said I should do something nice, flowers. I'm not sure I can bring myself to do it.... likewise, I see no purpose in even confronting her. I now know she's lying. She's lying to everyone except her secret boyfriend... which is funny, because I was once her secret boyfriend. Kept secret from everyone. She said he is a lot like me, in many ways. She can have her cake and eat it too. She admitted she wasn't built to be monogamous but the demands of society mean marriage is a requirement. I agree, marriage as an institution is a bit of a failure but I don't agree that entering into that contract untruthfully is a good idea.
She said she'd do a fake wedding if she could, just pretend, to make everyone happy but I didn't think J would ever go for that, she agreed.
Lo has cheated on just about every guy she's ever been with (the guy before me, who she only dated for a while and was long distance, I'm not so sure about) and while I don't really begrudge her the comforts and safety she longs for I do worry.
I'm angry and...
I'm right.
Again.
It's tough always being right. I've been right for these past few months.
What I don't know now is, Why?
Why the lies, why the deceit. She'd do much better to bring me into the fold and demand I protect her secret than leave me outside. By leaving me outside, knowing full well that I suspect (though she may think she crushed that suspicion now) she holds less power over me. She's a smart cookie, she must realize the danger of having me nearby.
Ah, perhaps she does, eh? She did become more and more furious, angry and want to be rid of me?
Now that I know the truth it's much easier to predict a few things. She'll stay. So will Erk. J leaves next week, I leave at the end of the week and they'll have a week-and-a-half to themselves. It'll be pure joy for them. Their love will blossom and there's no way they'll give that up. After that, I'm not as sure. If I leave it alone she may come around -- but I doubt it.
You know, I sort of thought, when she first proposed this trip, that she was coming out here because she needed me to help her come to her senses. Gator put it best, "i just thought about i more and lo has no idea what she wants or what she has already and for her to figure it out it may take losing everything. still do the flowers though".
What did happen Tuesday night? Did he really break up with her? It'd make sense that he'd say, "Me or him!" He has the power now, she wants him badly and she's deeply under his influence. She did truly sound devastated. Does she just want me out of her way to make things better?
She's so happy J is coming tomorrow, her boy, her guy... her "perfect life"... and yet it's a bit of a lie isn't it? I mean, sure, she'd rationalize and say that it isn't a lie because everyone believes it is true so long as she keeps up the act with her stable guy. She's apparently willingly to marry the stable guy so as to keep him but will that be the end of her affair?
What to do? I'm not J's friend, never have been, I barely know him. Gator and I have been speculating for months (she even surreptitiously reviewed her sister's text messages for evidence, not at my request, of her own initiative).
So is this the impetus for the arguments that we've been having? I mean, she is ditching me as a friend and being a total friend-failure because she has new lover fever. I know I feel the same way when I meet a girl and first get together with her. I want to say, "SCREW YOU WORLD!"
But is Lo going to run off with this guy? Go live with him, go backpacking and run away from all of this? She'd do it... if he could afford her, I have no doubt but she would, like she does, grow bored all too quickly. She is that girl and I am loathe to say it, but neither of these guys are right for her.
I don't know who is.
She casts as spell that is difficult to break, she's effective, she's horrendous and she's my girl. I'm not sure how to help her, heal her or lift her up. Worse, I feel partially responsible, after our long love affair where I did not stand up to her ridiculous demands and allowed myself to be kept a secret.
But oh how love is a powerful thing... they won't leave each other until some end is hit, until they must be together or break up.
I have this unconditional love for Lo, I confessed to it and I really do feel it.
And this is odd... I just saw in my other window, I had written Lo a letter on my computer, there's a paragraph highlighted and I know I didn't do it. It's this one:
So the parallel raced through my head and generated some concern but you allayed those fears with declarations of “I don’t care what Erk does” and “I’m here to lay on the beach, study for my MCATs, see my grandmother, and relax.” My mistake was believing that you knew yourself so well (or trusted me with the truth) to actually make the declaration. It’d be more accurate to say you’re here to do whatever you want, deep down, and those things may not be rational.
A subtle message? Is there a way to bridge these two girls so that she may find some happiness, so she isn't so fractured?
Is it a lost cause? I don't think so -- I'm just not sure I'm smart enough to figure it out.
I was going to sneak out of the house and go buy some flowers tonight, it's now 2:09am. There's some part of me that believes that now, more than ever, she needs that love, she needs to be reminded that she has the strength to do the right thing, even for her. Today she was discussing with J on the phone how they are going to introduce their parents to each other.
She called Erk on the phone crazy and admitted she was crazy herself. I'm not so sure. All her actions and behavior seem to be coming into focus. Except I don't get me. I don't get how I fit into the picture except as an inconvenience, one she could easily be rid of.
Ah, but she must balance. Erk cannot take care of her, she depends on maintaining appearances for her parents and for J. Her stability.
And what is my obligation to her? Ethically and morally?
The evil part wants to go into her room and demand the most loathsome acts in exchange for silence. The good part wants to go immediately to the store, knowing how much trouble her heart's in and make amends as quickly as possible so she realizes I'm on her side, wherever she wants to stand and with whoever, so long as she is happy.
I just don't know.
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