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Simple Story

a stream of unconsciousness

Posts tagged with "Lo"

Lo -less

Well, I know I've all but abandoned this little forum of Internet word meanderings.... but I am still here.

I suppose I haven't been able to face this side of myself lately. Hiding perhaps?

In any case, I just got hit in the gut again. My favoritist little munchkin, the soul that makes my eyes twinkle from her reflection, informed me of what I have long suspected as true. I'm not sure which is worse, always being this form of right or failing to appreciate it emotionally.

She confirmed that Lo and J are on track to be married... something I had been saying since January (at least, if not before) based on my extensive knowledge of the girl and human relationships. I wish I could get a Doctorate in it. It's unfair that we assume Doctors are so skilled and yet, they earn a title through a socially acceptable method, and so we grant them a certain authority on a subject.

It was a gut punch. Rather unexpected gut punch. As my mind had been well aware of this possibility for many months, yet here was the shred of evidence to indicate my hypothesis was correct.

It also explains why she has been so distant the past month. The exact time that my munchkin said things have become "weird" -- weird as in, discussing getting another dog together, buying a house together and yes... getting married.

I make an excellent observer of the human species but damn I do a poor job of interacting for the betterment of myself. I could do it. I may, very well, have to do it soon but it feels cheap.... like I'm stepping down into the sloshy, disgusting mess that is existence, to toil... to cause pain... to cause joy. Not that I don't do these anyway, but to much less degree.

I haven't had a girl crush on me in a year, like a real crush... passing attraction, sure. Let alone a girl who thrives on my very presence. Nor have had a real great management position or led in a way befitting my knowledge. In short, I'm playing dumb.

Ugh, I shan't let this turn into a tirade against my inept existence.

I feel pierced by this piece of news... even if the munchkin hadn't sworn me to secrecy I'd have no reason to talk to Lo about it, as of late she's limited our discussion to her schooling and professional life, completely ignoring any possibility of discussing her personal feelings. Leaving me to guess... and guess correctly.

I'm sure she feels she is sparing me, but really the distance is what will end our friendship. That hurts, I could get over her marrying some stupid guy, even over my very legitimate concerns. Her cutting me out of her personal life, though, that is irreconcilable damage to a friendship.

We'll remain "family-esque friends" -- no doubt, and I think she'll continue to provide support for certain endeavors that I request her help on. However, that personal connection we've had for years will dissipate as she let's go. And I don't want to let go.

Guess I'm afraid of that. Very afraid of losing that friendship, of losing that support. It's disappointing... the girl I almost married, getting married to another guy.

Well.... it's not like I'd deserve her anyway. I fell for Pippy, oh so completely, I couldn't see past her white washed net, trapping me and drawing me in.

Numbness. That's what I've been longing for but this wakes up that inner spirit which longs to escape to do something. I feel crazy, I feel like running and jumping up and down and screaming... for lack of the focus and clarity to do something that matters, that would help.

Oh, Lo. I love you. You silly, silly girl. Oh, boy.

Yum

Blabber

, ,

I wasn't going to write tonight. Just going to fall asleep but something comepelled a quick stop before bed (and not just because a helicopter is flying overhead with a bright light and a loud bird is singing at 12:30am... though those help).

My class tonight was interesting. I did a very simple exercise... deceptively so, but I was closer tonight. It's difficult to explain (as my partner discovered, it took a while for him to catch on.. but it takes everyone a while). I'd describe it as a listening and focus exercise.

As we were working he used my "wristband" as an observation. It was odd because just earlier I had been thinking about why I was wearing it. My obvious answer was, "duh, I like it, think it looks cool, etc." but that's not entirely all that is there, is it?

Take a piece of clothing you like, that you think is somehow nice. Do you remember how you got it, who was with you, where you got it from?

For me, I remembered suddenly that Lo had got it for me while on a trip in New York. She had taken the time to buy me this wristband and a shirt. I liked them both very much... but then I dug a little deeper and realized it meant, even though she was in NYC with her boyfriend for a holiday getaway, she didn't totally forget about me.

It touched my heart.... and then, I let it go. Until he said, "You're wearing a wristband." -- as we continued to work, I became overwhelmed by the sensation that this stupid wristband, that I've worn maybe three or four times in 6 months, was a slight symbol of her caring about me. Yes, she just hated my other wristband and wanted to get me something she thought was cooler... but the fact is, she thought about getting it for me, for whatever reason.

It was overwhelming and powerful... I struggled to hang on, I nearly cried. Emotions are weird.

Ugh, and I hate admitting that.

Even worse to admit was my annoyance at the beginning of class. Our teacher had said to stretch out and relax and I jokingly put my arm on the chair next to me, accidentally tapping the girl sitting behind us on the knee. My teacher immediately said, "Please don't touch people behind you." -- I wanted to retort but we were already in the exercise.

I'm overly sensitive sometimes and I was angry and annoyed. He'd misunderstood my action, assumed that I was doing something intentionally disruptive and disturbing another student. If I had actually been doing that, no problem, I deserve it... but it was all just a misunderstanding that I couldn't correct.

I was pissed and as we started a sensory exercise (seriously, what is this bird doing chirping so loud at 12:52am?) I was furious in my head. I felt hurt and frustrated that I couldn't just correct his misunderstanding or even find a way to get over it.

And I couldn't let it go, it was stupid, I kept telling myself. (is it a Nightingale? It has weird chirps). I was blasting myself, I had walked in there feeling so good, confident, I had a good day, got a new haircut, got just a few small things done.

Not everything, not even close but just a few things.

And here I was obsessing over being unfairly reprimanded... as if it mattered! JUST GET OVER IT!

I was basically ignoring the exercise, our eyes closed as I focused in on trying to figure out what was really wrong? No one gets that upset over being unfairly reprimanded... yes, I hated it in Elementary school, I'd get in trouble for this and that when it was just an innocent mistake. Teachers seemed to assume the worst about me. It was probably because I was smarter than them but I didn't know that at the time... I just felt they hated me. Oversensitive.

If I had a superpower, that'd probably be it... oversensitivity... that doesn't really translate to a superpower, though. (wow, this bird's song is totally random, I hope it doesn't mean an earthquake or something bad is coming, never know here). Maybe the superpower would be superperception, sensing everything around me and knowing what they are thinking... like telepathy but with a plus of the environment. SuperAwarenessGuy! Yeah, except it doesn't take into account my pesky kryptonite, a hypersensitivity to bad feelings.

Anyway...........................

Suddenly, without warning a voice in my head, "Will, they just don't get your sense of humor, it's fine." -- perhaps not those exact words but the exact sentiment -- and as if someone pulled some heavy armor off of me, my rage was gone. Just poof, I felt relieved, though still annoyed for being behind now.

He was walking us through a nature/sensory exercise. Very cool, something I do very well (he underestimates me). I couldn't find a spot, I've been in a forest before but it wasn't working and I searched everywhere from the mountains, to another forest, to the ocean, to a cliffside, to the moon, to just in outerspace, to the room we were in, to a park... finally, I settled on the white sands of a beach in Florida.

It's beautiful, it wasn't the same beach though... just a beach and I began to feel the sun on my body, wearing just some white shorts (odd), the sand squishing in between my toes. Pelicans diving into the water and a forest near the beach. The ocean rolling in, the smell of the sea-salt, the taste of sunshine and sea-spray. It was warm, encompassing. Birds in the background. It was dreamlike.... not as precise as I would have liked. I had the senses but they'd only come into focus when I focused on them, instead of being everpresent and ready.

And then out of no where I felt a hand graze mine. A white attired Pippy. She smelled like Pippy, I told her she wasn't allowed to be here, not in my nature sensory exercise. She seemed unperturbed, as if she hadn't heard me. I held her, kissed her, smelled her, touched her hair... all there for me.

We lay on the beach together, our fingertips barely touching. Basking in the sunshine, the waves still crashing. Then at some point I decided to get up, to stand and there was a pier... I told Pippy I wanted to go to the pier and that she should come with me.

She said no, that I should go by myself, but I wanted her to come explore with me. She still wouldn't but said she'd be waiting when I returned. I ran off down the beach, I remember the sand squishing in that weird way when you run on it.

I made the pier, concrete and suddenly crowded and it was all wrong... and then suddenly, it was a wooden pier and everyone was gone. I looked back and saw Pippy, her beautiful hair seemed to be moving in an ocean breeze as I made for the end of the pier.

I reached the end and I suddenly had the urge to jump into the water, to just roll into it... It seemed like I started too but I didn't want to leave Pippy. It didn't feel like I'd die, so much as lose Pippy. I had told her I'd come back and I stayed on the pier, looking out into the ocean. The water splashing around me, the waves crashing behind me on the shore.

Then it was time to come back and I raced as quickly as I could down the wood planks, my feet hitting the wood quickly, trying to avoid sliding on the wood so I wouldn't get a splinter. The texture of the wood so different from the sand as I raced back to her.

I reached her quickly and I told her again she wasn't supposed to be here, wasn't allowed to be here. She smiled and I agreed that she could just be my secret. She could be here and no one would have to know. I kissed her quickly as we were about to end the exercise, I raced to whatever doorway had led me here and was back in the room, all-to-quickly. Somehow, content.

This odd waking dream led to a class where I felt pretty damn focused. Open to learning, experiencing, and being available.

I'm not sure what it means that she was there... thinking back, I'm not even sure she was Pippy that exists today (I haven't seen her in 5 months).

. . .

I sent her a text when I got home, right as I started doing the dishes (so I wouldn't be watching the phone, ya know). She responded politely, her Sunday was great... I'd say, no spark from her... yet, I know she is an impeccable actress to me, impossible to read. Why I even try, I don't know.

What I do know... she responded to my stupid text message. She could easily have ignored my "so, hey, can I ask you something?" -- does it mean the girl is madly in love with me... of course.

Yes, that would be a joke.

Seriously... it only means, she's still willing to talk to me. And my text to her? I guess it means, I'm stilling willing to talk to her. Instinctively, I want to know what she's up to, who she's dating, whether she's in love but I know.... I know it doesn't matter, not to me anyway. It matters to her, to those around her but what matters for me, how Pippy and I are. I don't know how we are so not much there.

All I do know...

I got the gut feeling that I've really lost her. That if I had wanted to keep Pippy... I missed my chance.

She's such a good kisser, I guess I kinda gotta admit, that saddens me. Truth be told, though, I think... just a little bit... she's going to be the one to miss out on me. The best possible love of her life.

Still starcrossed. and end?

Yum
(couldn't post this last night at 1:22am cause OC was getting a checkup and some new parts)

I thought I was good...

, , , ...

I also thought of many different ways of starting this post. So many different ways, I just wanted to throw them all away. but then how do I start?

Do, I start with what made me want to write? That thought of I thought i was a good actor but...

no, that's not it.

No... Maybe... maybe, I thought I knew myself a little better.

Yeah

That sounds more like it.... I'm shocked after every acting class, that's a lie, during every acting class about how much I don't seem to know myself.

My mentor led off class with a quote about listening.

"How should I listen? As if they were my master as if they were sharing their cherished last words." -- I think I got it wrong, but you get the gist. It's an excellent example of how to listen.

So then we did some meditating... though, I call it that, it never seems like what I imagine meditation should be... cause well, you're doing it.

Tonight he asked us to listen to

ourselves

An odd request, to just close your eyes and listen to yourself.

I... well, there's always the "chatter" the noise, the buzz of words, images, beings, etc....

And then I thought... and thought and finally the chatter started to clear. I couldn't really pay attention to it, that defeats the nature of not paying attention to it... but I remember distinctly Pippy, it's not about her, I don't know what she represents... maybe everything I want? wanted? wanted to be? (last part their a tangent)

And then... just following that string, that love, I remember my brother. That hurt. I was afraid, I am afraid. And I cried.

This was annoying, I really despise these attention grabbing sort of things... my eyes were shut so I couldn't see if we were being observed. I resisted the urge to wipe away the tear, I did strongly but as if gravity and my mind conspired together the tear ran down quickly as I was thinking of something and instinctively... I was given away.

How embarassing. No, no, no, I no I shouldn't judge. I just, it feels so cheap, like "oooooh, look at me, I'm so into this I'm crying." -- I hate those people. The girls that turn on the water works at the first second... jeez. I'm regressed to being a 9 year old girl (wait, I know 24 girls that do that). Right, I know, sexist for saying guys can't cry.

But I... I know, shouldn't judge it all? Well, howabout sometimes ya just don't want to cry? Why should I cry over missing stupid fucking suptkid pip

i don't miss her.

it's not about pippy, somewhere there is something else, i'm sure she's just representative, i mean, i know i miss her. I do, but not her her, just whatever image and pedestel I put her up on. Right, i sound stupid.

Look at it this way? I always "fall for the girl" -- I fell for Liss, then Lo, then Pippy... I mean, it's just my fucking pattern, I've finally learned to walk away from it, I know I don't get the girl. Pippy is about the last girl on the planet I could ever hope to end up with... wait, maybe after ... nope, can't think of anyone who'd seriously be in consideration.

She's just a fucking girl1!! get over it. I seriously *do*not* obsessess over her this much... I don't think about her at all. In fact, I can say that until class I'm positive that I... oh, she did sneak in on that fantasy. fuck... well, that was just for a split second.

Wow, in trying to convine myself I can't even convince myself. ew

ga

ha

Truth be told I had a nice day. I went to meet an acquintance of onlinenedness at a starbucks that's fairly near by... I was, of course, late. I hate that... I did rush and I was close but not on time, not at all classy.... which meant the girl may or may have not been there. I thought i may have seen her but I was so frickin flustered and unsure... very unsure that I just went about my business looking for anyone, somebody who might look at me with the "do I know you?" or "are you him look?"

I then proceeded to roam the UCLA campus... ending up near the medical center and then walking further into the nice part. It was nice because there was grass, there were girls playing soccer, there were people racing to class, and the sun was shining. It was beautiful, I sat there sending text messages, hoping that girl would sign on... that all hope was not lost.

No such luck. Got hit up by a guy looking to have me give him $5... but alas, i wasn't a student and he didn't ask me so I was no help to him. Finally, I roamed back toward my where my car was parked. I passed by the cutest girl, also handing out or asking for something, she has this smile plastered on her face. I swear to god it would not have come off... it could have been a picture that she had glued onto her face it was so perfect and cute. It was ridiculous. I laughed at her.... I hope she didn't take it the wrong way.

She was just beautiful... not just because of her looks but because she was so fucking committed to that smile... to being cheery and approachable, to being just amazing. She went all out... that was beautiful.

Then I passed this cute little blonde girl, yammering on her phone. She didn't even register me but for some reason I instantly did a double-take. Poof. And gone.

I finally strolled back to my car, which turned out to be a triumph because I hadn't got a parking ticket! (turns out the meter was off; newly installed computerized one... well, I asked a traffic cop and she said I should move but I figured she didn't know what she was talking about... guess i was right).

Drove back home, running lines... oh, that's right, I had been running lines at UCLA, sitting on this small wall... I was rehearsing, I wanted it to be great, had to get all these lines down.

Then back to the apartment, continuing to run lines, write a few emails, and get ready to get a parking permit from the city of Lospaytoparksgeles. (that was lame) and I was off!

Discovered my ATM card has been disabled, great... apparently the bank (or SOMEBODY... (not me) out there had my card info stolen) and they issue a new card. It's sitting safely in Colorado. So I can't take money out of the ATM (can I mention now that not ONCE had I thought of the Pipster...)

Did the permit duty, drove around, drove around, got lunch, drove around, drove back to the apartment! Score I can park on the street because I have a big awesome permit (I thought for sure we weren't going to get it, I had to keep chatting with my roomie in an attempt to make sure she didn't examine us too well... it worked, she didn't see that my roomies license was not in fact at the address in question, which is a no-no).

Back at the apartment, more email, line running and getting off... Not to Pippy though, she just is kinda sneaky. Silly Pip. But more cramming lines, just trying to get them into my body...

I kinda suck at memorization.

Greeeeeeat, yum, you should totally get into a profession that requires mass memorizations!

Score

Then, in no time I was getting props ready and heading out the door to rehearse before we ran the scene in class.

Rehearsal goes pretty damn good, it feels good, it doesn't feel perfect but good, like I'm getting it, like we're into the scene. Yes, yes, it'll be okay, we'll be able to work on it.

But class is small, everyone is sick or out of town... our class of normally, 8 to 12 is down to 4. I don't mind since we got short-changed last week but... it's scary.

So, as soon as I start listening to myself, why does Pippy come up? I asked myself all the way home, why, why? What does she represent? I mean, it can't be Pippy, she's beautiful, charming, witty, everything i mentioned a million times. She's important to me.

That sucked. What's important to you?

At one point in class (totally out of order) mind you my teacher asked what I'd give up three toes for? It's the scene and I struggled!!!!!!!!!!!!!! crazy-like... I mean, three toes for Pippy sounds great but she doesn't want me? I finally found it but it was funny... I mean, what would I give up body parts for? What would you give up body parts for!? What is *that* important to you? I thought, well, nothing but... I guess to save my brother, I thought I'd do that. Save a life of someone I loved but anything else? I don't know.... anyway tangent- over.

After we meditate for a bit. I feel better but I still hide it... Our mentor asks me right away, "did anything interesting come up?" -- I say a "variety" -- this was true. I just don't wanna talk about it.

If I type her name 500 times would I get bored? seriously, seems like I need to do something to get it out of my system.

Then onto an acting exercise. I sucked, I was totally sucky suckerson. I just couldn't relax. Just mostly freaking out.

AND WHY?

I don't know.

I struggled to listen, to take direction. I wanted it, I want to. I just seemed to be missing the boat.


I wanted to act because I know it's a challenge. I'd tell people, "It's the most challenging thing I can imagine doing." I know with other things, I just feel like "Yeah, I don't get that right at the moment but as soon as I put my mind to it... bingo" -- Arrogant as that may be, I generally believe it. I feel I could Direct or do lights or be an engineer or a programmer, work for the CIA or even maybe be good at sports... okay, maybe not good at sports but whatev

But acting... I've ALWAYS found it challenging. Since I first got a real taste of it in a summer workshop, a real good taste. Sure I'd done many shows before that... even got to "star" but I had stopped for a while to make sure I could save up some money and come out here....

and here I am in LA and I SUCK!

Pippy looked at me once, I was telling her about going to LA and becoming a great actor and she looked back at me with no doubt. None. She believed wholeheartedly that I could come out here and be amazing, be successful.

I was shocked because... well, her confidence wasn't a lie, it wasn't a tale to a friend about how they don't look fat in those jeans, it wasn't that "Oh, sure that's nice", it wasn't anything but utter and complete assuredness in her prediction. She wasn't saying, "Oh, I think you could do it." She knew, she knew with no doubt.

It freaked me out. How could she know that?

In class, when I thought about her I got a chill down my spine. Still. Still there, that toxic (to my heart) release of endorphins or whatever makes that sensation, the awesome tingle.

:lol: If she ever finds out what she does to me she's going to freak out, I mean she might laugh because there was a time I did it to her... granted, it was a very short time and never this bad... I don't think (maybe... but she hid it well). It sucks she's not allowed to be loved like this, loved by me... well, prolly sucks more that she's not in love with me to receive this but let's not trouble ourselves with these petty details (ha, sarcasm, funny, funny).

That's what caused me to cry... I wondered if I might be doing better, if I should have stayed with Pippy. WTF?! Why was I thinking that?




ok

enough about me


okay
her

Class was a disaster, completely utterly, totally, miserably. I know they'll say otherwise but after all those ambigious word-chains.

I felt like I had been run over by a steam roller and then pulled across a clothing line in all different directions. I was so frustrated with myself.

I discovered that I wasn't acting, I was doing a bang-up job of acting like I was acting... Heh, yes, yes it is possible. I am so far in my head, I know how it should look so well that instead of just being spot on, instead of being right there I have this really cool filter up.

It's like I am trying to watch myself and judging whether that worked and then... ugh

It was horrible, it was just horrible.

I was mostly nerves, I knew it was wrong and was falling into bad ha... not bad

but old habits, not even that old

just backups. Stuff I did that I wasn't aware of. My mentor misunderstood but I clued him in and that seemed to help... because then he was able to help me.

Lonely.

He wanted me to remember what it was like to be lonely, whether I was okay with that. I told him honestly, yeah... I prefer to be around people but I can be by myself.

He asked if I could think of anyone I wouldn't give up. I had no one. Because in truth, I couldn't think of anyone I had to give up. I'm out here very much on my own, I can't share these feelings, I can't talk about Pippy, I can't bitch about how fucked up things are.

Yes, Lo is pretty close but... well, she's not mine, I miss her terribly sometimes... most of the time but that's because she's NOT HERE, as in I don't have her to give up. Don't catch the diff? There's no giving up something you don't have.

He asked out my parents. If they were still together. What it felt like when one of them left... but the truth is I was too angry at them, I believe to care. They both didn't really leave, I left.

I left. Really, I was the one to leave..... He wanted me to remember what it was like to have my Dad leave then but I couldn't, I was the one who left. Not that he stopped me, not that my mom could stop me when I would 'bail' on her.

I was the one who left and then finally I remember somebody I couldn't give up, didn't want to give up... it had been so long since I had felt. You see, I never had Pippy to give up, she never let me have her, no matter how desper...

It was Liss. I hadn't thought about Liss in a long ass time. She flooded my mind, oddly enough, it worked pretty well. I remember exactly that feeling of not wanting to see Liss go. She was my chum, my friend, my confidant, my...

we coulda runaway together... we were close. I don't know how else to say it.

Just so close.

When she left for college I pretty much didn't hear from her again. She came back but she had a new best friend, a new love a new way of life and I was the past. She was gone.

But at the time, before she left, she was important. I had fallen for Lo by that point but Liss still had this place in my life that meant... meant a lot. I didn't leave Lo but we had had betrayals... she had slept with other guys, she had lied. Liss, well, she didn't really like me all that much but she didn't lie about. She apparently lied about some things, I believe Lo when she says that, but was it the stuff that counted? Counted to me? I don't know, I may never know.

More of the scene... every fucking syllabyl was a struggle. I just couldn't just get out of my head. That's code for I was thinking about what the reaction should be instead of just having the reaction.

(wow, that was really well put)

It was a total breakdown. I'm getting pulled into thinking about family, about Liss, Lo and Pippy, about all these things, while trying to focus on the lines, while trying to remember my beat, while trying to remember NOT to think and just react.

And to top it off, "You seem like the person who was never cool but has built up this image of cool, of being cool. And now you have to totally let that go, embarass yourself." -- Whoa, that one struck me by surprise.

Had I really finally obtained the cool image that I really had been seeking? I mean, I really do hate being a dork... not because it's dorky and uncool but because it's usually just me not knowing what to do. And that started me off on another Pippy tangent... was that all just an act? did she really not know me? But the truth is I really *did* feel like I knew what to do with Pippy... naturally, no putting on a face, no thinking about what I should do. I just did. I was just there. I got scared sometimes, no doubt but even then I'd choose to take action, to not sit and overanalyze.

Liss & I were both culprits of this.

well, Lo too... silly girl.

Great, I look like an uncool fool to all them too.

Thank god only 4 of them were there. I know I have to have that ego eviscerated but yeah...

I didn't think it would be this painful. Feel *this* bad. I really sucked, I was really completely entangled, just lost, frustrated and going... wow... i thought I could act

Here I can't even get through a single line.



I didn't know what to do. Other than just keep going. I was trying, I was really trying very hard but what was going on?



Why was it so hard? Is it always going to be this hard? Can I really just not act? Am I that bad? Should I just give up? Can we get a round of applause for the self-doubt. I do sometimes feel like I can definitely do this but tonight was doubt-inspiring. what if I can't do this? what if I'm wrong? Pippy's wrong? Everyone's wrong and I'm going to try and this and completely totally fucking fail?

Or worse in my mind, keep doing it for years until I suddenly realize that I will never be good enough, never be attractive enough, never being charming enough, never be it... Why waste life on such painful stupid endevours?

will I ever find a kiss as good as Pippy's? will i ever find a thrill like acting? will I ever be happy?

idk

what now...

class ended up going it's normal time. We spent an hour on our scene, which was good, made up for getting short-changed last week. Then another 45, maybe 55 minutes on a cool cat's audition. He's so very good, he's got the looks, the wife, the style, the charm, the... yeah, we can say everything I don't have. Heh, but he's still a cool cat, auditioning for a very cool sound HBO series. It was neat to watch him work.

Then a very different exercise with this chill chick. She needs to spend some time with nature, heh. And she does. So do I but hey, I don't have to right now.



I feel okay now.


Before class ended I felt miserable, crushed. How could I be so bad? and I was... and I knew it... I had the facade up, the wall, the mask to keep me safe.

Hm, I do kinda wonder what I had with Pippy? Kind of confusing, it didn't feel fake, yet where's that guy with all the confidence? Was I so far disillussioned with myself that I didn't realize it? That sounds a bit overthinky to me. so what was it? was i just in love with her that she inspired passion so great that i was filled to the brim with the self-assured nature that I could do no wrong?

that seems a little too easy to me

I just don't know. It's probably on the tip of my nose, so close I can't see it but still right in front of my face.



This was long. You're probably exhausted after reading it. I'm exhausted after living it.


Let me know how it turns out in the end... oh and if I should ever perish prematurely, please make it a mission to share this with Pippy.

I kinda feel like I owe her the truth. Maybe I can't tell her now... she wouldn't want to listen but in all my lameness, my self-doubt, my love.. . she deserves more than I gave her, more than I was willing to share, at least out loud. Who knows, maybe she knows already, she was quite a bit smarter than me.

Yum