Wednesday, 11. February 2009, 08:13:49
I also thought of many different ways of starting this post. So many different ways, I just wanted to throw them all away. but then how do I start?
Do, I start with what made me want to write? That thought of I thought i was a good actor but...
no, that's not it.
No... Maybe... maybe, I thought I knew myself a little better.
Yeah
That sounds more like it.... I'm shocked after every acting class, that's a lie, during every acting class about how much I don't seem to know myself.
My mentor led off class with a quote about listening.
"How should I listen? As if they were my master as if they were sharing their cherished last words." -- I think I got it wrong, but you get the gist. It's an excellent example of how to listen.
So then we did some meditating... though, I call it that, it never seems like what I imagine meditation should be... cause well, you're doing it.
Tonight he asked us to listen to
ourselves
An odd request, to just close your eyes and listen to yourself.
I... well, there's always the "chatter" the noise, the buzz of words, images, beings, etc....
And then I thought... and thought and finally the chatter started to clear. I couldn't really pay attention to it, that defeats the nature of not paying attention to it... but I remember distinctly Pippy, it's not about her, I don't know what she represents... maybe everything I want? wanted? wanted to be? (last part their a tangent)
And then... just following that string, that love, I remember my brother. That hurt. I was afraid, I am afraid. And I cried.
This was annoying, I really despise these attention grabbing sort of things... my eyes were shut so I couldn't see if we were being observed. I resisted the urge to wipe away the tear, I did strongly but as if gravity and my mind conspired together the tear ran down quickly as I was thinking of something and instinctively... I was given away.
How embarassing. No, no, no, I no I shouldn't judge. I just, it feels so cheap, like "oooooh, look at me, I'm so into this I'm crying." -- I hate those people. The girls that turn on the water works at the first second... jeez. I'm regressed to being a 9 year old girl (wait, I know 24 girls that do that). Right, I know, sexist for saying guys can't cry.
But I... I know, shouldn't judge it all? Well, howabout sometimes ya just don't want to cry? Why should I cry over missing stupid fucking suptkid pip
i don't miss her.
it's not about pippy, somewhere there is something else, i'm sure she's just representative, i mean, i know i miss her. I do, but not her her, just whatever image and pedestel I put her up on. Right, i sound stupid.
Look at it this way? I always "fall for the girl" -- I fell for Liss, then Lo, then Pippy... I mean, it's just my fucking pattern, I've finally learned to walk away from it, I know I don't get the girl. Pippy is about the last girl on the planet I could ever hope to end up with... wait, maybe after ... nope, can't think of anyone who'd seriously be in consideration.
She's just a fucking girl1!! get over it. I seriously *do*not* obsessess over her this much... I don't think about her at all. In fact, I can say that until class I'm positive that I... oh, she did sneak in on that fantasy. fuck... well, that was just for a split second.
Wow, in trying to convine myself I can't even convince myself. ew
ga
ha
Truth be told I had a nice day. I went to meet an acquintance of onlinenedness at a starbucks that's fairly near by... I was, of course, late. I hate that... I did rush and I was close but not on time, not at all classy.... which meant the girl may or may have not been there. I thought i may have seen her but I was so frickin flustered and unsure... very unsure that I just went about my business looking for anyone, somebody who might look at me with the "do I know you?" or "are you him look?"
I then proceeded to roam the UCLA campus... ending up near the medical center and then walking further into the nice part. It was nice because there was grass, there were girls playing soccer, there were people racing to class, and the sun was shining. It was beautiful, I sat there sending text messages, hoping that girl would sign on... that all hope was not lost.
No such luck. Got hit up by a guy looking to have me give him $5... but alas, i wasn't a student and he didn't ask me so I was no help to him. Finally, I roamed back toward my where my car was parked. I passed by the cutest girl, also handing out or asking for something, she has this smile plastered on her face. I swear to god it would not have come off... it could have been a picture that she had glued onto her face it was so perfect and cute. It was ridiculous. I laughed at her.... I hope she didn't take it the wrong way.
She was just beautiful... not just because of her looks but because she was so fucking committed to that smile... to being cheery and approachable, to being just amazing. She went all out... that was beautiful.
Then I passed this cute little blonde girl, yammering on her phone. She didn't even register me but for some reason I instantly did a double-take. Poof. And gone.
I finally strolled back to my car, which turned out to be a triumph because I hadn't got a parking ticket! (turns out the meter was off; newly installed computerized one... well, I asked a traffic cop and she said I should move but I figured she didn't know what she was talking about... guess i was right).
Drove back home, running lines... oh, that's right, I had been running lines at UCLA, sitting on this small wall... I was rehearsing, I wanted it to be great, had to get all these lines down.
Then back to the apartment, continuing to run lines, write a few emails, and get ready to get a parking permit from the city of Lospaytoparksgeles. (that was lame) and I was off!
Discovered my ATM card has been disabled, great... apparently the bank (or SOMEBODY... (not me) out there had my card info stolen) and they issue a new card. It's sitting safely in Colorado. So I can't take money out of the ATM (can I mention now that not ONCE had I thought of the Pipster...)
Did the permit duty, drove around, drove around, got lunch, drove around, drove back to the apartment! Score I can park on the street because I have a big awesome permit (I thought for sure we weren't going to get it, I had to keep chatting with my roomie in an attempt to make sure she didn't examine us too well... it worked, she didn't see that my roomies license was not in fact at the address in question, which is a no-no).
Back at the apartment, more email, line running and getting off... Not to Pippy though, she just is kinda sneaky. Silly Pip. But more cramming lines, just trying to get them into my body...
I kinda suck at memorization.
Greeeeeeat, yum, you should totally get into a profession that requires mass memorizations!
Score
Then, in no time I was getting props ready and heading out the door to rehearse before we ran the scene in class.
Rehearsal goes pretty damn good, it feels good, it doesn't feel perfect but good, like I'm getting it, like we're into the scene. Yes, yes, it'll be okay, we'll be able to work on it.
But class is small, everyone is sick or out of town... our class of normally, 8 to 12 is down to 4. I don't mind since we got short-changed last week but... it's scary.
So, as soon as I start listening to myself, why does Pippy come up? I asked myself all the way home, why, why? What does she represent? I mean, it can't be Pippy, she's beautiful, charming, witty, everything i mentioned a million times. She's important to me.
That sucked. What's important to you?
At one point in class (totally out of order) mind you my teacher asked what I'd give up three toes for? It's the scene and I struggled!!!!!!!!!!!!!! crazy-like... I mean, three toes for Pippy sounds great but she doesn't want me? I finally found it but it was funny... I mean, what would I give up body parts for? What would you give up body parts for!? What is *that* important to you? I thought, well, nothing but... I guess to save my brother, I thought I'd do that. Save a life of someone I loved but anything else? I don't know.... anyway tangent- over.
After we meditate for a bit. I feel better but I still hide it... Our mentor asks me right away, "did anything interesting come up?" -- I say a "variety" -- this was true. I just don't wanna talk about it.
If I type her name 500 times would I get bored? seriously, seems like I need to do something to get it out of my system.
Then onto an acting exercise. I sucked, I was totally sucky suckerson. I just couldn't relax. Just mostly freaking out.
AND WHY?
I don't know.
I struggled to listen, to take direction. I wanted it, I want to. I just seemed to be missing the boat.
I wanted to act because I know it's a challenge. I'd tell people, "It's the most challenging thing I can imagine doing." I know with other things, I just feel like "Yeah, I don't get that right at the moment but as soon as I put my mind to it... bingo" -- Arrogant as that may be, I generally believe it. I feel I could Direct or do lights or be an engineer or a programmer, work for the CIA or even maybe be good at sports... okay, maybe not good at sports but whatev
But acting... I've ALWAYS found it challenging. Since I first got a real taste of it in a summer workshop, a real good taste. Sure I'd done many shows before that... even got to "star" but I had stopped for a while to make sure I could save up some money and come out here....
and here I am in LA and I SUCK!
Pippy looked at me once, I was telling her about going to LA and becoming a great actor and she looked back at me with no doubt. None. She believed wholeheartedly that I could come out here and be amazing, be successful.
I was shocked because... well, her confidence wasn't a lie, it wasn't a tale to a friend about how they don't look fat in those jeans, it wasn't that "Oh, sure that's nice", it wasn't anything but utter and complete assuredness in her prediction. She wasn't saying, "Oh, I think you could do it." She knew, she knew with no doubt.
It freaked me out. How could she know that?
In class, when I thought about her I got a chill down my spine. Still. Still there, that toxic (to my heart) release of endorphins or whatever makes that sensation, the awesome tingle.
If she ever finds out what she does to me she's going to freak out, I mean she might laugh because there was a time I did it to her... granted, it was a very short time and never this bad... I don't think (maybe... but she hid it well). It sucks she's not allowed to be loved like this, loved by me... well, prolly sucks more that she's not in love with me to receive this but let's not trouble ourselves with these petty details (ha, sarcasm, funny, funny).
That's what caused me to cry... I wondered if I might be doing better, if I should have stayed with Pippy. WTF?! Why was I thinking that?
ok
enough about me
okay
her
Class was a disaster, completely utterly, totally, miserably. I know they'll say otherwise but after all those ambigious word-chains.
I felt like I had been run over by a steam roller and then pulled across a clothing line in all different directions. I was so frustrated with myself.
I discovered that I wasn't acting, I was doing a bang-up job of acting like I was acting... Heh, yes, yes it is possible. I am so far in my head, I know how it should look so well that instead of just being spot on, instead of being right there I have this really cool filter up.
It's like I am trying to watch myself and judging whether that worked and then... ugh
It was horrible, it was just horrible.
I was mostly nerves, I knew it was wrong and was falling into bad ha... not bad
but old habits, not even that old
just backups. Stuff I did that I wasn't aware of. My mentor misunderstood but I clued him in and that seemed to help... because then he was able to help me.
Lonely.
He wanted me to remember what it was like to be lonely, whether I was okay with that. I told him honestly, yeah... I prefer to be around people but I can be by myself.
He asked if I could think of anyone I wouldn't give up. I had no one. Because in truth, I couldn't think of anyone I had to give up. I'm out here very much on my own, I can't share these feelings, I can't talk about Pippy, I can't bitch about how fucked up things are.
Yes, Lo is pretty close but... well, she's not mine, I miss her terribly sometimes... most of the time but that's because she's NOT HERE, as in I don't have her to give up. Don't catch the diff? There's no giving up something you don't have.
He asked out my parents. If they were still together. What it felt like when one of them left... but the truth is I was too angry at them, I believe to care. They both didn't really leave, I left.
I left. Really, I was the one to leave..... He wanted me to remember what it was like to have my Dad leave then but I couldn't, I was the one who left. Not that he stopped me, not that my mom could stop me when I would 'bail' on her.
I was the one who left and then finally I remember somebody I couldn't give up, didn't want to give up... it had been so long since I had felt. You see, I never had Pippy to give up, she never let me have her, no matter how desper...
It was Liss. I hadn't thought about Liss in a long ass time. She flooded my mind, oddly enough, it worked pretty well. I remember exactly that feeling of not wanting to see Liss go. She was my chum, my friend, my confidant, my...
we coulda runaway together... we were close. I don't know how else to say it.
Just so close.
When she left for college I pretty much didn't hear from her again. She came back but she had a new best friend, a new love a new way of life and I was the past. She was gone.
But at the time, before she left, she was important. I had fallen for Lo by that point but Liss still had this place in my life that meant... meant a lot. I didn't leave Lo but we had had betrayals... she had slept with other guys, she had lied. Liss, well, she didn't really like me all that much but she didn't lie about. She apparently lied about some things, I believe Lo when she says that, but was it the stuff that counted? Counted to me? I don't know, I may never know.
More of the scene... every fucking syllabyl was a struggle. I just couldn't just get out of my head. That's code for I was thinking about what the reaction should be instead of just having the reaction.
(wow, that was really well put)
It was a total breakdown. I'm getting pulled into thinking about family, about Liss, Lo and Pippy, about all these things, while trying to focus on the lines, while trying to remember my beat, while trying to remember NOT to think and just react.
And to top it off, "You seem like the person who was never cool but has built up this image of cool, of being cool. And now you have to totally let that go, embarass yourself." -- Whoa, that one struck me by surprise.
Had I really finally obtained the cool image that I really had been seeking? I mean, I really do hate being a dork... not because it's dorky and uncool but because it's usually just me not knowing what to do. And that started me off on another Pippy tangent... was that all just an act? did she really not know me? But the truth is I really *did* feel like I knew what to do with Pippy... naturally, no putting on a face, no thinking about what I should do. I just did. I was just there. I got scared sometimes, no doubt but even then I'd choose to take action, to not sit and overanalyze.
Liss & I were both culprits of this.
well, Lo too... silly girl.
Great, I look like an uncool fool to all them too.
Thank god only 4 of them were there. I know I have to have that ego eviscerated but yeah...
I didn't think it would be this painful. Feel *this* bad. I really sucked, I was really completely entangled, just lost, frustrated and going... wow... i thought I could act
Here I can't even get through a single line.
I didn't know what to do. Other than just keep going. I was trying, I was really trying very hard but what was going on?
Why was it so hard? Is it always going to be this hard? Can I really just not act? Am I that bad? Should I just give up? Can we get a round of applause for the self-doubt. I do sometimes feel like I can definitely do this but tonight was doubt-inspiring. what if I can't do this? what if I'm wrong? Pippy's wrong? Everyone's wrong and I'm going to try and this and completely totally fucking fail?
Or worse in my mind, keep doing it for years until I suddenly realize that I will never be good enough, never be attractive enough, never being charming enough, never be it... Why waste life on such painful stupid endevours?
will I ever find a kiss as good as Pippy's? will i ever find a thrill like acting? will I ever be happy?
idk
what now...
class ended up going it's normal time. We spent an hour on our scene, which was good, made up for getting short-changed last week. Then another 45, maybe 55 minutes on a cool cat's audition. He's so very good, he's got the looks, the wife, the style, the charm, the... yeah, we can say everything I don't have. Heh, but he's still a cool cat, auditioning for a very cool sound HBO series. It was neat to watch him work.
Then a very different exercise with this chill chick. She needs to spend some time with nature, heh. And she does. So do I but hey, I don't have to right now.
I feel okay now.
Before class ended I felt miserable, crushed. How could I be so bad? and I was... and I knew it... I had the facade up, the wall, the mask to keep me safe.
Hm, I do kinda wonder what I had with Pippy? Kind of confusing, it didn't feel fake, yet where's that guy with all the confidence? Was I so far disillussioned with myself that I didn't realize it? That sounds a bit overthinky to me. so what was it? was i just in love with her that she inspired passion so great that i was filled to the brim with the self-assured nature that I could do no wrong?
that seems a little too easy to me
I just don't know. It's probably on the tip of my nose, so close I can't see it but still right in front of my face.
This was long. You're probably exhausted after reading it. I'm exhausted after living it.
Let me know how it turns out in the end... oh and if I should ever perish prematurely, please make it a mission to share this with Pippy.
I kinda feel like I owe her the truth. Maybe I can't tell her now... she wouldn't want to listen but in all my lameness, my self-doubt, my love.. . she deserves more than I gave her, more than I was willing to share, at least out loud. Who knows, maybe she knows already, she was quite a bit smarter than me.
Yum
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