Actoring.
Wednesday, 9. September 2009, 07:29:31
Another day, another acting class?
Perhaps not but I did have one today.
It was severely out-of-body sort of experience. If that's confusing to read, it's even more confusing to feel!
Meditation was not as vibrant, not as present... even my acting felt -- off... and yet, if actor's are notoriously bad judges of their own work, I was the poster-child. I felt like it was a bit too effortless.
I'd describe it as being on a snowboard, the powder thick and perfect, while on a downhill. Your cruising, and it's effortless, cutting back and forth but one wrong move could send you tumbling. I was very aware of what I was doing, like watching myself on that mountain, but also feeling what I was feeling.
It was entirely natural, safe... perhaps easy? It was contrary to what I've usually felt when acting. Usually I feel far more in it, I'm not so aware of myself -- perhaps a sign I was in my head but again, their external evaluation was that I had done well, done very well.
I'm at a loss, I'm happy I did well but perhaps a little numb to the world. Worry fills me. So much doom and gloom ahead if I cannot find funding for my continued stay in LA.
And I think of Gator, the little Gator who I miss terribly. I miss many others, my mother, brother, father, Lo, -- if it were acceptable, Pippy -- and my old roomie, not to mention the theatre where I was a "prince," having earned my position and respect. But little Gator is special because she's settling into her personality for most of her life to come. Not everything, by any stretch, but so many of our habits are set when we are young and I wish I could show her the world's full of opportunities and can be such a very beautiful place (and sometimes horrible place).
In other words, I see in her so much of my own potential that will likely never be realized except in odd random dreams, random postings here and a few cherished readers. I want to be able to tell her, "yes, you are right," just as I was lucky enough, in 7th grade, to find a mentor in school who had a profound impact on me. Who was quite happy telling me that my observations were worthwhile but even accurate.... as opposed to the vast majority of the adults in my world who wanted to try and force their idea of what the world should be instead of allowing me to see it for what it was.
Every child should be so lucky. And this little munchkin lucked out, her rascally ways won me over long ago.
Nevertheless, I keep reminding myself that what I'd like to do for her is see her attend a school that could do far better than me as a mentor, guide and friend. That requires some success here.
So... What's the holdup? Good question, but let's rant about something I can actually comprehend.
The scene was simple, we've been working on it for a while and I have a calm, a relaxation that I haven't experienced before in class. It was so odd. It didn't feel wrong, just quite different from the nervous wreck I am usually. Wreck, exaggeration, but nervous jitters.
I'm not sure what to do next. I want to act, I want to be great at it. I want to rock it so good that when I walk into a room for an audition I already know I can do it, just have to find the path. The same feeling I had when I walked into Pippy's choir concert uninvited and proceeded to laugh my way through it. The same feeling when sledding with Gator on New Year's Eve, laughing and joking. The same feeling when really nail a dance or a song or even a story I wrote.
I fear my own confidence, fear that it'll breed overconfidence and blind myself but a risk I must remind myself to take.
Ugh, what a ridiculous rambling rant. Such is my stream of consciousness. You silly fool for following fruitless phrases.
It'll be interesting to see what the next month brings. You know, the flip side of success -- you can lose it but once you've tasted it, experienced it -- you aren't living in this torment. Can I thrive without having this torment? Let's hope so, it sounds WAY more fun.

I'm done with this post -- don't have anything else to really talk about.. Oh, I'm doing a little writing 'experiment' or 'game' with KLC... Ew Bug... Yes, still talking to her. No, I still don't really know who she is. Yes, that's weird. No, I can't explain it.
We gave each other main characters and are writing part-by-part a story. It's fun for me, for the most part, I have no idea where my story is going but the images are crystal clear (even if I do a poor job of describing them).
I may have to post it here later, it's fun. Or perhaps, I'll just turn it into a movie! Hollywood is cool like that. Oh, how I wish I had the money to make movies, that'd be fun. There are so many amazing stories out there to tell, so many great events to cover, so many ways to explore the same stories that have been told since the beginning of time ... the stories that will be fulfilling ever-after.
I sit here, the black textbox matching the black hills I'm looking at, the Hollywood Sign waiting for another dawn to backlight those letters.
So, let's go meet it.
Yum
Perhaps not but I did have one today.
It was severely out-of-body sort of experience. If that's confusing to read, it's even more confusing to feel!
Meditation was not as vibrant, not as present... even my acting felt -- off... and yet, if actor's are notoriously bad judges of their own work, I was the poster-child. I felt like it was a bit too effortless.
I'd describe it as being on a snowboard, the powder thick and perfect, while on a downhill. Your cruising, and it's effortless, cutting back and forth but one wrong move could send you tumbling. I was very aware of what I was doing, like watching myself on that mountain, but also feeling what I was feeling.
It was entirely natural, safe... perhaps easy? It was contrary to what I've usually felt when acting. Usually I feel far more in it, I'm not so aware of myself -- perhaps a sign I was in my head but again, their external evaluation was that I had done well, done very well.
I'm at a loss, I'm happy I did well but perhaps a little numb to the world. Worry fills me. So much doom and gloom ahead if I cannot find funding for my continued stay in LA.
And I think of Gator, the little Gator who I miss terribly. I miss many others, my mother, brother, father, Lo, -- if it were acceptable, Pippy -- and my old roomie, not to mention the theatre where I was a "prince," having earned my position and respect. But little Gator is special because she's settling into her personality for most of her life to come. Not everything, by any stretch, but so many of our habits are set when we are young and I wish I could show her the world's full of opportunities and can be such a very beautiful place (and sometimes horrible place).
In other words, I see in her so much of my own potential that will likely never be realized except in odd random dreams, random postings here and a few cherished readers. I want to be able to tell her, "yes, you are right," just as I was lucky enough, in 7th grade, to find a mentor in school who had a profound impact on me. Who was quite happy telling me that my observations were worthwhile but even accurate.... as opposed to the vast majority of the adults in my world who wanted to try and force their idea of what the world should be instead of allowing me to see it for what it was.
Every child should be so lucky. And this little munchkin lucked out, her rascally ways won me over long ago.
Nevertheless, I keep reminding myself that what I'd like to do for her is see her attend a school that could do far better than me as a mentor, guide and friend. That requires some success here.
So... What's the holdup? Good question, but let's rant about something I can actually comprehend.
The scene was simple, we've been working on it for a while and I have a calm, a relaxation that I haven't experienced before in class. It was so odd. It didn't feel wrong, just quite different from the nervous wreck I am usually. Wreck, exaggeration, but nervous jitters.
I'm not sure what to do next. I want to act, I want to be great at it. I want to rock it so good that when I walk into a room for an audition I already know I can do it, just have to find the path. The same feeling I had when I walked into Pippy's choir concert uninvited and proceeded to laugh my way through it. The same feeling when sledding with Gator on New Year's Eve, laughing and joking. The same feeling when really nail a dance or a song or even a story I wrote.
I fear my own confidence, fear that it'll breed overconfidence and blind myself but a risk I must remind myself to take.
Ugh, what a ridiculous rambling rant. Such is my stream of consciousness. You silly fool for following fruitless phrases.
It'll be interesting to see what the next month brings. You know, the flip side of success -- you can lose it but once you've tasted it, experienced it -- you aren't living in this torment. Can I thrive without having this torment? Let's hope so, it sounds WAY more fun.
I'm done with this post -- don't have anything else to really talk about.. Oh, I'm doing a little writing 'experiment' or 'game' with KLC... Ew Bug... Yes, still talking to her. No, I still don't really know who she is. Yes, that's weird. No, I can't explain it.
We gave each other main characters and are writing part-by-part a story. It's fun for me, for the most part, I have no idea where my story is going but the images are crystal clear (even if I do a poor job of describing them).
I may have to post it here later, it's fun. Or perhaps, I'll just turn it into a movie! Hollywood is cool like that. Oh, how I wish I had the money to make movies, that'd be fun. There are so many amazing stories out there to tell, so many great events to cover, so many ways to explore the same stories that have been told since the beginning of time ... the stories that will be fulfilling ever-after.
I sit here, the black textbox matching the black hills I'm looking at, the Hollywood Sign waiting for another dawn to backlight those letters.
So, let's go meet it.
Yum








