Sunday, May 9, 2010 7:49:42 PM
I know i have said in a previous blog that i dont believe in love and that even if it were to be real, it only causes pain. But i have changed my mind as recently i have seen many of my friends fall into to vast hole of relationships. i Know they dont believe they are actually in love as this is very rare thing to find. They are not soulmates and they wont be together forever. But they have eachother. And thats what i long for... someone... anyone... a Prince who i can love and who will love me back unconditionaly. i want something more than what they have. i need something more than what they have. i want my soulmate!
sm.x
Sunday, May 9, 2010 7:25:22 PM
DRAFT -
This is just a little thing I wrote last night. I got a bit Bored 
Me.
Wow, that one little word holds so much information. A whole world of secrets, lies, feelings and unknown emotions. It holds so much joy and happiness, yet it's filled with pain and loss. Its full of love, but accompanying love, is hate.
This is me. This is who I am. This is who I was, and this is who I am yet to be.
Chapter 1 -
The words I was hearing were like a song on a broken record player, repeating themselves time and time again. "She HAS to go! Its just inhumane that you want her to stay!". Well that was a bit over the top. Im not that bad...
You see, I was staying with my "adoptive parents" as they like to call themselves. In reality I was staying with a distant cousins family. A family who I had no idea about until six months ago. A family who had no idea about me. The only family willing to take me in. And the only family I had left.
Seven years ago when I was ten my mother past away. I never knew my father but mother always used to tell me stories about how brave and wonderfull he was. She made him seem like a dream. A dream I would never get to live. I have been searching for my father ever since.
When my mother died I had been taken from home to home of distant relatives. All of which eventually couldn't handle my personality and took me back to the hell hole I could actually call home. In about six months I would be eighteen and could live my life to my own accord.
..."That's a bit over the top darling", said my Aunt Helen, mirroring my thoughts. I'd just got back home and walked in on yet another family dinner I had missed. Searching for my father was a hard job and took alot of my time. But I was getting close. Very close. A few leads here and there were helping my out alot, but something was wrong. All the people who ever crossed my fathers path were reluctant to tell me something, something that would change my life forever.
I brushed the freshly fallen snow off my jacket and walked across the kitchen, all the while thinking of an excuse. "I'm sorry I'm late Aunt Helen. My car broke down on the lane". Aunt Helen gave Mathew, my Uncle, a quick glance, then turned her dissaproving look to me. "Its okay Saddie, just promise you wont be late again". I stared back knowing what she was asking was impossible. "Promise", I lied.
"Thats Bull!" I heard cousin mary say again. "Dont be daft", Uncle Mathew replied. "But she's lying, can't you tell?!"
My cousin Mary was always like this. She hated that I was welcomed to the family with such open arms and all the attention seemed to hover around me instead of her. It's not my fault. With my strange firey red hair and deep night sky blue eyes I stood out from the crowd. I was unusual, wierd even. But people seemed oddly fascinated by me. And she hated that.
"Mary, don't be so rude to your cousin. She can't help that her car broke down. Now, Saddie, you get something to eat. Mary, help me clear these dishes. Then you can both go upstairs and get your things ready for school. Big day tomorrow, First day of term...". By now myself and Mary had stopped listening. We may have hated each other but we both shared the knowledge of knowing when Aunti Helen was going off into one of her little rants about how important school was.SM.X
Monday, August 17, 2009 11:25:09 PM
love is meant to beautiful, it should make us strong. but if you think about it, it hurts. it tears at your heart. people wish for love, they think its a gift, but what if it isnt? what if love is a burden? and we are all misinterperating it.
the hardest thing in this world is to live in it.
SM.x
Tuesday, May 5, 2009 8:36:50 PM
My Prince charming....
ive liked him for A while. That makes us close.
PROBLEM....
he has told me this secret that nobody else knows. Just me. Only me.
It makes me feel close to him because he has trusted me enough to tell me.
And trust me this secret is a biggy.
PROBLEM....
This secret has completly shattered me. Well.. the pieces that weren't already broken.
I nearly dropped to my knees, gasping for breath when he told me... LITERALLY!!
I was at his birthday sleepover and there were like ten of us there.
I could'nt speak... For the whole night i was totaly mute.
Nothing can get worse than my life and what im feeling at this very moment.
sm.x
Saturday, April 18, 2009 9:53:44 PM
hey people.
i recently got back from tenerife. it was hot and of course, i got a tan.
very, very, very badddd!
i havent said this before but i used to self harm. i did it because i didnt like my life and seeing the blood break from my skin made me feel...how do i put it... better. But that only lasted for a while, once the blood had stopped i instantly felt worse! so i kept doing it and i got scarred, but it was okay because the pinkish shiney scars would dissapear into my pale skin, unnoticeable!! over time i stopped cutting and found other ways to make myself feel better like not eating, i felt better continuosly with that, i still do. People think its all about being slim but it isnt, and its hard to stop.(im not trying to encourage anyone not to eat)but thats how i deal.
anyway back to the point.
the scars were invisible...
Untill now!
it takes all my effort to make them unnoticable, so i just wanted to say, u r scarred for like by cutting so please for your own sake, if u want to keep it hidden, find another way...
i know its not easy but u can always try...
please.
sm.x
Friday, March 27, 2009 8:08:47 PM
You would not guess anything is wrong.
suffer in silence, im that type.
its hard to keep quite.
to cope with these deafening screams inside my head.
but it makes me feal strong and under control
i told another lie today.
i was thankful you believed me.
if you knew my secret, i would lose control.
i dont want you to know.
i need to you to know.
if i cry my first tear,
they wont stop raining down.
i have to stand through the pain,
although i may drown.
im alone in this fight with myself.
i wont make a sound,
even though i want to be found,
i dont want you to know,
i need you to know.
but i cant say a thing.
after all this has past,
i still will remain
after ive cried my last,
there will be beauty from pain.
Monday, March 23, 2009 7:16:46 PM
i havent written in a while
been in hospital.
but im working on something.
as soon as my examss areover ill put it up.
Friday, March 6, 2009 7:51:56 PM
You know what????
Im going to start again.
Why dont you join me!
Friday, March 6, 2009 7:42:25 PM
i recently heard this song on the radio... i thought that the begginging was brillant and it seems as if it was written to describe myself....
How wierd....
I'm just a little bit
caught in the middle
Life is a maze
and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go
I can't do it alone
(I've tried)
and I don't know why
Slow it down
make it stop
or else my heart is going to pop
'cuz it's too much
Yeah, it's a lot
to be something I'm not
I'm a fool
out of love
'cuz I just can't get enough
I'm just a little bit
caught in the middle
Life is a maze
and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go
I can't do it alone
(I've tried)
and I don't know why
I am just a little girl
lost in the moment
I'm so scared
but don't show it
I can't figure it out
it's bringing me down
I know
I've got to let it go
and just enjoy the show
sm.x
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My Opera
