Wednesday, September 1, 2010 3:06:15 AM
I will be changing my last name soon
On August 14th, my best friend dragged me to the top of Mt. Monadnock, and asked me to have fun with him forever. Put a diamond on my hand, and promised to marry me and share a life with me forever.
I am incredibly lucky.
I have a life that I only could have dreamed of a few years ago. I have a beautiful home in the middle of an incredible city. I have a partner who respects me and yet demands a great deal from from me. I have a plan for my future that is challenging, yet attainable with the supports that I have. I have in-laws whom I adore, and who love me as their own.
I am blessed.
Yet....
Nothing is perfect.
Nothing.
I am still broke beyond belief. I still work too hard and get paid too little. I still lose sleep over siblings whose behavior I cannot control. I still have jealous fits of rage and I still get confused about what the hell I want out of this existence.
But for once....I think it will all be okay.
I begin classes next week. Two years from today I will be Sabrina LastName, M.S.Ed, B.C.B.A. I will have gone so much further than anyone ever thought I would. Than I ever thought I would. I will *finally* be what I wanted to be when I grew up
I'm just really, really happy where I am right now. It's difficult and it's painful and it's not at all as fun as some people would like to believe. But it's real and it's worth it and someday it will all look so cool and I will wish to be back here again.
I'm a very, very, lucky girl <3
Wednesday, September 1, 2010 2:38:37 AM
This is a post from my old blog. I had a movie-worthy love story, once upon a time
**********************************************************************************
I joined in on a prayer group today; an opportunity for seniors to reflect prayerfully on the past four years. We were asked to create a time-line of our years at college. And then we put tissue paper over those time-lines, and wrote in between the dates how God was or wasn't present at that point in our lives. Where was He? What did He do? What did He not do?
I realized, after I did that exercise, that God was most present in my life in the years when I didn't think He existed. I look back now and I see those years as a series of gifts, blessings....God was present in the people that I was blessed to meet and fall in LOVE with. At the time I was living it, God was absent. I was a devout Athiest. Now, I have no idea how I could ever have overlooked all that I was given. How could I have ignored the blatant displays of unconditional love from God, ever-present in the people that He surrounded me with?
And I put my love story on the time-line too. I have a love story. I always kept it a secret. From everyone. Nobody would really understand.
You see movies, and you imagine that floating feeling that you would have if that were you. I had that. You see lovers sipping wine on the hood of a car in a field at night and think that doesn't really happen. It happened to me. You watch two people intertwine to the point of being inseperable in the span of weeks and think that's unrealistic. That was my reality.
But until today I discounted it as a dream, a teenager's longing, hormones, whatever. I thought about him tonight, and I pray that when he hears a Tim McGraw song, he gets the same goosebumps that I do. I pray that driving by a pasture of horses in Texas reminds him of the nights we spent trying to feed the horses in Arlington. I pray that when he eats peaches, he remembers how I wanted to move away to Kansas, no forwarding address. I hope that he gets the knot in his stomach when he rives by my house, that I get when I drive by his.
No, I'm not in live with him. I probably never was. Brent is a gift straight from God himself. But my love story was a lesson from God, a painful reminder of the fleeting nature of passion and lust. And he was an example of how God is present in things that are painful, unpretty, hurtful, and sometimes even vile. I was probably never in love with him. But I LOVED him. The idea of him. The enigma. And now I'm rambling. But honestly, have you ever ridden in a convertible from MA to Canada, and turned around to go home after you saw the border? On a whim? Have you ever honestly, truthfully, danced in the rain? Been picked up and spun around while kissing, dancing in puddles? No, that was not love. That was not being in love. That was being in fantasy. But I loved him. I think I still love him. Somewhere in me. When I hear Tim McGraw songs and long for the man who really feels what those lyrics say. When I sit on my balcony at 5 am with my coffee and wonder who else appreciates the beauty of feeling the dew evaporate. When I drive back home, top down, rims spinning, thinking how amazing it is just to be here, right here in this moment.
Now I know I'm rambling. But I can't get him out of my head right now. I need to know that he's okay, that his life has turned out the way he wanted it to when he signed those dotted lines. My dad has spoken to him since he left, but I haven't. I can't. I can't ever talk to him without going back to Dudley road, learning how to drive at night. Or to the Hess, counting pennies for gas to get us to a friend's house, who would lend us money for more gas. Or to the Hajjar parking lot, debating the fate of the apocalyptic battle between Batman and Superman. While skunks take refuge under the Cougar and I cry because I don't want to smell.
I can never speak to him again without wondering what goes on in his heart when he hears Tim McGraw. Does he remember teaching me how to climb trees? Does he think about that time when we spied on the new development, dreaming about the day when one of us would own one of those fancy houses? Does he remember that he gave me his class ring? With his initials....PMM? Does he ever think about that time he yelled at me for chewing my sleeves? I'll never forget that, and I'll never chew my sleeves again. Does he remember the notebook we passed to each other in the hallway, so nobody would know? How many times has he relived that time in the grocery store parking lot, where we sped away, rubber burning, so nobody would see us together? We were the perfect mismatched pair. The disaster waiting to happen.
I thank God every day that he left the way he did. I thank God that my teen-aged self could let him go, and know where to go when he was gone. But I wonder every night where he is, what he's doing. And if I'm on his mind the way he's on mine.
If people knew how love stories really ended, I don't think they'd sell as well. I hope he thinks of me.
**********************************************
Tuesday, July 20, 2010 11:15:14 PM
Copy/Pasted from another site I do.....My Nana will be gone for 5 years soon. I can't wrap my mind around five years. 5. Five. F.I.V.E. FIVE. It's incredible.
I read this now and I know that nothing has changed. I miss her and I love her and I want these words to live on forever and ever and ever.....
I graduated two weeks ago tomorrow, and I did it for, and because of, my Nana. I am her only grandchild to ever get a college degree, and I know I made her proud walking across that stage that day.
I went to her stone yesterday to take pictures. I wanted to sit and talk to her. But as I got there and started to bend down, I had this overwhelming feeling, like she was actually talking to me, telling me I didn't need to sit next to no stupid stone to talk to her! It was her voice and everything! She was always so direct. She was never one to watch her words. She would tell you things exactly as they were.
She died in a car accident on August 1st, 2005. Nobody can explain what happened. The autopsy report is even inconclusive. My three youngest siblings were in the car when it happened, and they don't know what could have caused it. One minute they were all laughing and having a good time, and the next minute they careened at 80MPH into a tree on the side of the highway. M pulled 3 of the kids out of the car. D was stuck under the dashboard, his seatbelt having been ripped right out of the seat from the force of the impact. J, my cousin, cried and ran back to the car to try to get D out, but M stopped him, knowing too well that the car could be engulfed in flame at any second. That girl, at just 10 years old, is smarter and more brave than anyone I have ever met. Imagine having the foresight to save yourself and 3 younger, injured kids, and knowing that it was too risky to go back and get the others. I get a tickle in my throat just looking at her sometimes, thinking of what must have been going through her head as she weighed the consequences of possibly leaving her brother in a burning car, with the possibility of herself or her other siblings and cousins getting killed in the process of trying to help him. I can't even imagine.
My Nana was 68 that day when she died. It was the most beautiful morning. Sunny, hot, and forecast to get hotter. They were going to the beach. Nana was great for things like that. It would always occur to her to just pick up all the kids and go somewhere cool for the day. Even when I was younger, I remember her picking us up to do something special all the time. Unannounced. It could be stupid things like going to super WalMart or helping her plant her garden. But the fact that it came out of nowhere, and it was just a gift for us being *us* made it so special. I thank God that the kids' last moments with her were filled with that feeling you get when you truly believe that you're the most amazing kid in the world. Because that's how she made every kid feel.
Nana and the car full of ids left that morning. I was supposed to be there to wave them off, but got caught up in my own life for a few too many minutes and of course, everyone assumed we would all be together at the end of the day to say hello and talk about the trip to the beach. I swear, never again will I treat another moment like it will always be there for the taking. I hate to simplify experiences like this into little gems of wisdom but I truly believe that God wanted me to learn this lesson. Sure, there were a million other reasons why He called her home that day, but I can't overlook the fact that He wanted to also show me to slow down, take some time to see people, to talk to them and love them. I think I have forgiven myself for those extra 15 minutes I took that morning, but I will never forget them. They were so insignificant. So trivial, and they cost me the chance to tell her one more time how much I loved her.
Most people don't have the relationship with their grandparents that I had with my Nana. We were truly different from most people. Even before I was born, she loved me. She literally saved my life. I adore my maternal grandparents but when they found out I was coming along, they were determined to stop it. My Nana hid my mom away, convinced her to keep me and promised to be there to help my mom through everything. I would have never been here if not for her undying love, and her bravery. How many people can say that they literally owe their life to someone?
And I've always taken that seriously. I am like her little clone. From the first moment that I can remember, I remember trying to be like her. Talk like her, think like her, do everything like her. She was truly my idol. Even now, when I'm faced with tough situations, I think of what Nana would do. And then I do it. I owe it to her, to live on in her footsteps, as she is the one who allowed me to live in the first place. So many times a week, someone in my family will tell me " You are your Nana's girl!"
I wish I had a way with words enough to accurately describe her. I feel like everyone who never met her has missed out somehow. She was so honest, so blunt, and refreshing.
You just knew never to ask Nana for advice unless you REALLY wanted it. Because she would give it to you. And it would not be gentle or sugarcoated at all. She had a way of knowing exactly what the consequences of your actions would be, and had no problem telling you.
She never made it through high school. She worked all her life to provide her kids and grandkids with all the luxuries that she never had.
She watched her 16 year old son (my dad) go from being pronounced dead, to pronounced a vegetable, to walking and fathering children, like no doctor thought he ever would.
She hated cats. Don't know why, just did.
She spoiled all of us relentlessly. Anything we wanted, and even things we didn't know we wanted yet. That Christmas season when Furby's were impossible to get, she somehow managed to get me 2. Just because.
She made you feel like you were the only person in the room. You could always stop in. She might be in her housecoat, but there would be coffee, snacks and hours of conversation. And with her, you could really get into it. You could swear, cry, bang the table, yell. Do what you needed to do. She would join right in with you.
She was a strong Christian. You would never know it outwardly. She wasn't interested in saving souls or even talking about her beliefs. But she would pray for you, and for anyone else she met. She would talk to Jesus and get all her strength from Him. I wish I had gotten to know her more in that regard.
My favorite memory ever of her, is me and her sitting in her swing, singing You Are My Sunshine. I know that sounds so cliche, but it's the truth. We did that. So often. And I would sit on her lap and ask her if I was too heavy for her. She promised me over and over that I would never be too heavy for her lap. And I swear to you, until the day he died, that was the truth. I sat on that lap more times than I can count. When I was happy, sad, sick, anything. It was the most comfortable spot in the world to be.
How I wish that lap could have somehow been there to comfort me when she passed. I know that it really was, in some Heavenly way, as I never ever in a million years expected the strength that I had through her services. I did it for the kids. I had told them so many times about how beautiful Heaven is, and how happy people are to be with God. How could I then go and cry at her passing? It would make me a liar. So I didn't. And I know it was her that gave me the strength to do that. But when I got home, when there were no curious eyes waiting for my next move, I was a wreck. I stood on my porch and screamed at God. I screamed at her. How could she leave us like that??!! How dare she just go, and leave us by ourselves, with no other family to love us like she did! It took a long time to get over than anger.
I'm not angry anymore. I'm thankful that I'm finally in a place where I truly and utterly believe that she is with the Lord, sitting with Jesus, and loving every minute of it. I am thankful that I had such a great relationship with her that others can see her living on in me. I am thankful that I have the chance to pass on all her wisdom and beauty to the younger kids, who never knew her like I did.
I miss her so much lately, just thinking about the milestones that I will hit without her here. Graduation day was difficult, to say the least. How will I handle my wedding day, when I marry the man that she loved more than I did at first sight? How will I handle having children? Buying my first house? Getting a Master's degree?
I don't know, really. The night before graduation, I let my mom see my cry over this for the first time ever. I wish she could have been there. I would have given every last thing that I own to have had her back for those few minutes while I made the greatest accomplishment of my life thus far. I would have uninvited everyone else, just so that she could have been there. Anything, anything at all I would have done just to see her smiling face there next to the stage.
I have to stop, crying on a keyboard can't be good for the circuitry.
God, I miss her. The world has some big shoes to fill.
----------------------------------
Originally posted in 2007. I miss you, Nana!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010 10:46:07 PM
Too long, too long. So many things to update on. So much time to spend writing.
I need this space. A place to write and feel and think and be questioned and be validated and be challenged. My job right now is such that I can keep up with this blog. I will truly, really, do my best. I think this is therapeutic. And I need that.
Thanks to everyone who has kept commenting and sending messages. I appreciate it. I will be much better about keeping up to date
Promise
Monday, January 18, 2010 9:50:12 PM
Well, that was easy enough! Hot water tank quit on us. Landlord replaced right away. Got new carpets and a *bonus* new kitchen floor today. The old kitchen floor wasn't badly damaged at all due to the leak, but I HATED it. It was all different "tiles" of linoleum, and a lot of water/junk would get stuck between them. I told the landlord that I worried about a possible mold problem down the road, and he replaced it with a much nicer floor, all one piece. No spaces, no fake wood. It's much brighter and makes my teeny tiny little kitchen seem so much nicer. I love it
My little sisters are sleeping over tonight. We're going to work on a 6th grade science project, and eat cheeseburgers and watch funny YouTube videos. Sounds like a great night to me
Thursday, January 14, 2010 10:27:11 PM
We woke up yesterday morning and there was a 4X4 inch wet spot in the carpet near the bed. Bad kitty!
Then an hour later, there were 2 more wet spots. Then 3 more, then half the room was soggy and squishy under our feet. Sorry, kitty!
Then it became clear that the problem was originating in the kitchen. Ah ha! The washer! So I stopped running laundry. Of course, the landlord has been notified. He is coming out tomorrow morning to check it out.
Well, after doing NO laundry for 24 hours, my floor is a puddle! It seems to be coming UP from UNDER the tiles. I have looked at the pipes under my cabinets, and that is all dry. I can't figure it out. I am laying down beach towels and they are instantly soaked. When I walk across the floor, water squishes up from between the tiles.
And my poor kitties don't want to walk in the wet kitchen to get their food
I hope this is a quick and easy fix cause it's really irritating and pretty gross.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 12:33:16 AM
I had yet another interview this afternoon. I had only talked with the woman via email. I drove all the way there today, through the city, in the afternoon traffic, high stress, dressed up...and she wasn't even there. She didn't think that we had confirmed.
So, I drove back home. Defeated.
No call from the other places yet. Still waiting, still hoping.
My bank account is utterly pathetic. So much so that I can't make my car payment this month. I am hoping that I can call them and work something out. Maybe defer the payment to the end of the loan. Maybe. Hopefully.
I'm also praying that my cell phone won't get shut off. I have no home phone, so I depend on the cell plan. Plus, it's a family plan with 3 of my siblings on it. So if I get shut off, so do they. Stress.
SO much stress.
But so much hope, too. Never ever give up hope. I have to keep reminding myself of that. No matter how bad it gets, there is always a light at the end. There is always a reason, and a resolution.
Monday, January 11, 2010 4:34:35 PM
I need to get up and get showered and dressed and prettied up. I have an interview in 2 hours. I really hope that it goes well. The job is very low-paying, and it's not what I originally wanted. But I will take it gratefully
I'm really, really, really,really hoping that the place that I WANT will call me today or tomorrow and offer me a position. That would be FANTASTIC.
Fingers (and toes and eyes) crossed.
Sunday, January 10, 2010 2:27:03 AM
Happy New Year to all!!!
There's a light at each end of the tunnel, you know.
There have been many interviews and reference checks. Many phone calls, emails, and background checks. But no employment as of yet. God willing, that will change this week.
I will be "celebrating" the anniversary of my first date with my man friend in about 2.5 hours. Last night, he mentioned it. I couldn't believe that he remembered. I am such a lucky woman.
We have been living together for a few months now. I love to meet him at the door when he comes home from work. I love to hug him and tell him that I missed him. He likes to call me on his lunch break just to say "hi". He likes to text me to tell me that he loves me. I like to text him to tell him to come home and hold me
Things just couldn't be better. Even though I don't bring any money into the home, he tells me how awesome I am. He thanks me for doing the dishes, and the grocery shopping, the cooking, the bill paying, the keeping in touch with family. He thanks me for little things every day. And that's what keeps me hanging on. I couldn't do it without him and the way he loves me.
Happy new year to all of you. I hope that 2010 will be the most blessed and successful year for you all!
Thursday, October 29, 2009 3:53:01 AM
I QUIT!!!
Hahahaha. For the first time ever in my life I evaluated a situation that was making me miserable, decided that I was powerless to change it, decided that I was better than that, and left the situation. I didn't do it in the best way at all. I simply wrote an email resignation and never went back. Lame, I know. But my anxiety attacks were getting way too intense and severe. My sleep was too disrupted. And every part of my personal life was suffering.
So I have been unemployed, for the first time in my life, for two weeks. I have been keeping very busy. Visiting and helping my family, cleaning my new house, reading books, loving life. It's been really good. I applied for a few jobs this afternoon. I decided that I'm open to different populations, and I'm definitely open to not being a manager for a while. I think that might be part of my burnout...I have been a manager since I started working. Maybe it will be nice to have someone else tell me what to do for a little while.
A few of the jobs that I looked at seemed really interesting. One had a fantastic salary. I'm going to pray and keep my fingers crossed that it's the perfect job for me and that I get it!
On all other fronts, life is incredible. My relationship is literally blossoming. Moving in together was a fantastic decision. Truly. For all the suffering I did doubting it, I feel like a fool. I knew deep down that this would work.
I know that someday I will be his wife. He even tells me that he wants me to be
I am so blessed.
Friday, October 9, 2009 4:10:09 AM
It's just plain ol' destiny.
I'm really bothered by work. By family. By relationships. By everything.
But mostly by work.
I run a group home for kids with Autism. Sounds easy, right?
Well, it's not.
These kids that live in this house are kids that have been deemed unsafe to live at home. By parents, doctors, teachers, school districts; by everyone. Basically, they are dangerous. They hurt people on a very regular basis. Enough so that they cannot be at their own homes because the level of training that parents receive can never be enough to guarantee anyone's safety.
So, what I deal with on a daily basis is a staff (minus three). Literally every day since I started here, 3 of my staff have been out on injury. Serious injury. One requires surgery. Another has a dislocated shoulder. Another got a serious infection from a bite that resulted in the removal of tissue from his leg.
I am in charge of making sure that my staff are happy and safe and trained. All the while making sure that my students are happy and respected and liberated from their disabilities.
I'm not sure that I can do either of those things right now.
I'm being asked to work all the time. Weekends. Nights. Overnights. Any time when the staff might not be safe. Which is all the time.
I don't know what to do.
I love these kids (and by "kids" I mean teens with raging hormones, who are taller than I am by at least 6 inches, who have no goal other than to hurt whomever is nearest.....) but I love them regardless.
I almost break down and cry on my way to work every day. I don't know how much longer I can do this.
I am no quitter. Never have been.
But this job, and the lack of support; is making me think that I might turn into one. I can't go one more weekend with a phone call about an incident that put 2 of my staff in the ER. I can't get one more phone call in the middle of the night saying that I'm needed for a behavioral episode and by the way, your Assistant just quite because she couldnt handle the stress and now you have to work 20 hours every weekend because nobody else here gives a shit enough about you to train you, never mind support you...
Fuck
I love these kids. I truly do.
But the systems in place to "support" them are not supporting the people who are in charge of their lives.
I can't do this for much longer. I think about quitting every day, and I haven't even been there 3 months.
But at least the move went well. At least I have a good relationship, a suppotive partner. Even if he's being a dink tonight. At least I have friends and family. Even if they will never understand or appreciate the struggle of spending 60 hours per week knowing that you are a split second away from an ambulance ride and a blood transfusion because your heart belongs to a population that nobody else understands.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so negative. I'm meeting with my boss tomorrow and I wish I could say all these things to her, so that she would understand where I am coming from.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009 4:25:17 AM
So, things have happened. And things have changed. And yet everything is ok and I'm happy and the world looks pretty good from where I stand.
It's after midnight and I have to work a 14-hour day in less than 7 hours. I'm exhausted.
I just moved two days ago.
Yet, the entire house is almost perfectly set up. Things are just *working*.
I'm loving this.
We found ourselves a secluded little 2 bedroom house. 2 blocks away from the city and the buses and the noise. Private parking and laundry included and no neighbors and awesome, awesome, awesome. I'm so in love.
And I'm in love with the fact that I made this decision and I stuck with it. Teamwork and communication are lost arts, it seems. He and I have made this work, on our own, in a way that would have seemed impossible to outsiders.
We love coming home to each other.
That's what this is. Home. My house, finally, feels like home. I am here with someone I love. But the important part (the distinction from the past) is that I'm here with someone who loves me. I have never felt more supported and appreciated, loved and liberated, needed and wanted, than I do now.
Life is good <3
Saturday, September 5, 2009 6:14:34 AM
and she only sleeps when it's raining....
He just asked me if that song got to me.
If I was crying.
And I lied. And said no.
I was listening to the song, and it did get to me. And I did cry.
But that's not what bothered me tonight.
What really got to me was last week, when he basically told me to shut up.
When he silenced the only thing that I thpught I could hold on to.
When I realized that I will always be stuck with someone who will never get it.
Right now I am sitting here, sad, and lonely; wondering how I can keep on doing this. But that's only because I'm thinking about those two words that he said three weeks ago. And I'm scared and sad and confused and I'm wondering if this will all be worth it in the end.
No matter who I end up with
and when the end comes.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009 4:31:52 AM
When I disappear, I ain't shittin. Says my good friend PappiG.
And it's true.
Seems that when I disappear, it's because things are going so well.
A few days ago, my boyfriend called me and told me that he had stumbled upon this blog because a friend of his had recommended the site as a good place to keep photos and stuff. So when he came here, my blog came up, because I often update from his computer.
He called just to tell me that he didn't read anything.
That he respected my right to have a place where I could be safe.
And we talked about it a little. Because I wanted him to appreciate the sanctity of this place, without feeling like I was hiding anything. Because I'm not.
So I told him...you're always welcome to read it. Nothing there is a lie or is fake. But just know, that I go there with things that I don't want to bother others with. I write things as I think them and as I feel them, without worry of being judged by people that I know in the real world.
And he replied with: it's like a therapist.
And it is.
Everyone here who reads, and comments, and lends an ear, if not an understanding word, is like a therapist to me. You are all impartial. You don't know me. Everything that I say here is fresh and new and unencumbered by complicating past relationships and interactions. You are all the fresh perspectives that I need. And that's why I keep coming here. And that's why I love it here.
And that's why I disappear when things are going well.
I really wish that I didn't. Because if one were to read this blog from the beginning, it seems that I never have a happy moment. It seems that all I do is whine.
I will make a concerted effort to make more updates while I am happy. Because I am *so* happy right now.
Job is great. Hours are weird. Pay is excellent. Clients, training, staff, clinical....all incredible. I'm very happy there.
Family is doing well. Brothers that I live with are really growing up, knowing that I can't be there 100% of the time to meet their every need. I am so proud of their growth. Siblings at home are doing well and are growing and are becoming wonderful young adults.
Love life is excellent. Like all relationships, there are ups and downs. FAR more ups though. FAR more. It's a strange feeling to *want* someone. To feel like I *mean* something to someone. To be desperately lonely when I'm not with him. It's incredible.
Friday, July 31, 2009 5:58:28 AM
I just wrote a long entry about how happy I am.
Then I started singing.
And he told me to shut up.
And I think he broke my heart.
So I deleted it and started over.
Some things are too important not to fix.
*************************************************************
Sunday, July 5, 2009 5:44:48 AM
And no one can find the rewind button now
so cradle your head in your hands.
And breathe, oh, just breathe.
***
I still haven't written that email that I was supposed to write. And I feel guilty about it every now and then.
I still don't know what the hell I am doing right at this very moment. I still don't know the path to take toward that future that I want.
I am still confused.
But I am still in love and I am still going strong and I am still hoping that everything works out and it's all easy.
***
I watched something tonight that made me think, and it made me reflect and realize. And it made me want to write here to remind myself and others that there is a purpose to every action which we undertake.
There is a greater meaning to every event, every feeling, every misfortune.
There is no reason to regret anything. Ever.
When I was 16, I lost someone that I never even knew.
I won't go into details.
But know that it has shaped me in ways that I have always been unwilling to admit that I could be "shaped". Know that it has pervaded my thoughts, hung over my decisions, affected my relationships, and made me a better, albeit emptier, person.
I don't regret a second of it. I wouldn't change an instant.
I wouldn't undo it. I wouldn't have skipped it. I wouldn't have changed it for the world.
Live wholly, without regret. Live outwardly, without shame. Live daily, in the moment. And live fully, completely, entirely, in love.
Happy Independence Day to all my fellow Americans. Take some time today, tonight, next week, to reflect upon what Independence really means. Forget the politics and the history. Forget the jingoism and the racism and extremes. Reflect for a moment on the notion of independence as a personal freedom from regret. The ability to let go of misfortune, the misguided assumptions, the "could have beens" and "should have beens", the things that were never meant to be.
Today, and every other day, celebrate your freedom, your independence, from thoughts that haunt you, of things which you cannot change.
Love yourself and your past., Your future, your hopes, your potential. Your reality and your mistakes. Your life and the life you wish you had.
God bless you all.
Good night.
Saturday, July 4, 2009 6:08:52 AM
I'm supposed to be writing an email to someone right now.
I'm listening to the Grateful Dead instead.
I'm going to see Louis C.K. on Sunday night. Yay for me.
I start my new job Monday morning. I have new clothes for the occasion. Another yay.
I don't really have any feelings to write about right now. I wish I did. I also wish that sleep would come, and that tomorrow would be filled with hugs and happiness and cookouts and lounging around unbothered by everything in the world.
Friday, July 3, 2009 6:54:23 AM
It's been a week since I have seen him, and it's been a week of wondering and doubting, since absence makes the heart grow suspicions.
I saw him tonight and it was like we were scripted, like there was something perfect about the air and the moment and the way were dressed. Like there was something special about the date and the absence and the way we met in the driveway.
We kissed and took a nap and then we watched TV and laughed all through Jeopardy. And I loved him and he said he loved me and I believed it and I wanted it all to never end.
And then when I got home and had settled into bed in my fluffy pants and loneliness, he told me that he's going away this weekend. To see some friends. That's fine.
But it was thrown on me at the last minute. After I had canceled plans to see friends, in the misguided assumption that I would be seeing him instead.
I keep telling myself that I'm not really committed. That I like the freedom of being able to get up and go. Yet here I stay. I never go anywhere. And when he gets up and goes, it kills me.
A wise friend of mine told me earlier: never get involved with a guy who has lots of friends.
That was a guy who has lots of friends.
I have to wonder what truth there is in his words. I feel the truth whenever I find that my guy is going out with bunches of friends. Friends that I don't have, because I gave my life over to a commitment bigger than myself. Because I was willing to give it all, for just one.
I learn a little more each day. Today I learned that I am getting involved with a guy with lots of friends. And that's probably not a good thing. I also learned that I will never be okay with that. And that's not a good thing. But it's *my* thing.
I need to be with someone who is willing to give what I am. And that's not where I am right now.
I hate this. I hate this so much.
I am an incredibly jealous, spiteful, vindictive person. I am suspicious, fearful, insecure. I have been taught well to be those things. Maybe I'm not ready for a relationship right now. Maybe I do need to follow what that faraway place in my mind has been telling me: be alone for a while. Be yourself. Be with everyone, not The One.
Holiday weekends suck. We work ourselves up toward them and then they disappoint, because we laid out expectations.
I learn a little bit every day.
Thursday, July 2, 2009 2:37:04 AM
I am getting a tattoo of a phoenix on my forearm. So that I might always remember the new beginnings that I have conquered. The times that I have risen from the ashes. The times that I thought it was over, only to be reborn again.
A new month is a smaller version of a new life. I love turning the page on the calendar and seeing freshness, emptiness. How we fill the little boxes is entirely up to each of us.
My last day at work was a bittersweet battle. My clients decorated the classroom with hundreds of pictures of all of us from the past few years. Walking into that display was overwhelming. But perfect. How could they have known that seeing all of our memories displayed so elegantly would comfort me, and bring me peace in a moment that could have been so painful? Seeing everything that we have done together all in one place, it made me realize that I have done enough. I have left nothing undone for them. We have all made precious memories and had incredible experiences. I have not left them empty.
I would love to stay forever and keep making those memories. But I can't. At least I can leave knowing that I have done some good in the lives of others. And so long as God continues to push me along this path, I will bring good to the lives of plenty more.
They also sent me off with a photo album full of copies of the pictures that they had displayed. I was so touched. A few clients wrapped up little trinkets, personal possessions of theirs. To give to me. The greatest gifts I have ever received.
I am truly honored to have been given the privilege to serve these folks. To get to know them. To teach them, to watch them grow. To watch myself grow as they have taught me. What a gift I have been given, to have been friends with each of them. Such incredible people. And I leave there knowing that I have trained the staff to carry forth the environment of respect, dignity, personal accountability, and autonomy that I have spent so much time and energy building.
I cannot fully express the depth of both my gratitude and my grief right now. For once, I am at a loss for words. Without knowing these folks, without having lived for them and through them and with them, I'm not sure that one would truly understand even if I had the ability to express it.
But life has a funny way of moving on and going on, whether we want it to or not. I start my new job on Monday. I am all at once terrified, excited, hesitant, and determined. I am confident that I am once again walking into a position where I will be mostly using my capacity to love. Not my managerial skills or clinical knowledge. Not my sociological imagination or my vast amount of research. But my heart. That is what will, once again, make me successful and yield results that others thought would never come.
I cannot wait to venture into this next phase of my life. I hope that July will be good to me. I hope that I will be good to myself. I pray for this to be a month of growth, development, and prudent decisions.
For myself, and for all of you
Wednesday, July 1, 2009 3:43:14 AM
Nobody in my real life knows about this place.
And nobody here is from my real life.
That fact, in itself, lends me a sense of courage and a taste of honesty that I have never felt before. Here is where I can be open. Here is where I can be vulnerable, weak, afraid. Joyous, stubborn, conceited. Confused, ecstatic, and undecided.
Why, then, do I sometimes hear this deafening voice telling me to share with that one person who should never know exactly what goes on behind the bar? Why, then, do I sometimes write entries in my head which would be better served as letters...only to delete them before they hit the "drafts" file?
I suppose I will never know.
There is an understated, underappreciated beauty in not knowing. I know very little right now.
I left my job today. Tomorrow I will have a coherent entry about that. For me to explain the feelings now, in this state, would only cheapen the raw experiences that I have had, and would only serve to confuse any readers.
I am losing my mind right now. I'm in love. With a symbol, an impossibility. A lack of commitment, a terrible mistake. A totality of everything I ever thought would never exist, with just a little bit of bullshit thrown in.
I am very confused right now. I have met the man I am going to marry. He's not the one that I am in love with. I hope to have the courage, very soon, to fill you in on that. Let's just say that there is an uncomfortable sort of emotional settling when you realize that what will be, will be. Tomorrow, or next year. Some things are just too right, even if they're not okay at the moment.
There are butterflies, and there are reasons. There is kissing, and there is planning. There is desire, and there is knowing.
I have all of these, in two people.
I am confused. Or maybe I am just stalling.
I am stalling.
When I got for a couple days without updating, please send me a message. I need to be reminded to share. I need to be pushed to record. I need to know that someone is listening.
Even now, when I don't make any sense.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009 3:56:30 AM
But then other times they don't.
I have been on such an emotional roller-coaster. And I kinda like it.
But the unpredictability is nervewracking and scary and harrowing; but then when it all works out and you wake up and you're in a pile of blankets with someone who's as whole as you've ever dreamed of....it's all okay.
New job begins July 6th. Would post the entire, epic adventure of going from my dream job to hating every second of my employment, but it's late and I'm tired and someday it will all come out. Plus, I haven't updated in a while, so I feel like a bulleted list of updates is better suited than a drawn out soliloquy.
Pizza, beer, old friends and mosquito bites are good for the soul. Sometimes one must break out of the comfort zone to find true comfort.
Iphones are a necessary evil.
Even though I always thought that I would forever choose happiness over money...money is a mighty strong motivator. And happiness should never come at the cost of one's conscience and convictions. Sometimes you have to let go of the naivety that leads you down the path of service.
One dysfunctional family is worth a thousand fair-weather friends.
I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.
I'm going to buy a strapless black dress and use it for my own personal revenge. And I'm the only one who will know.
Recording a demo soon. Getting all of this out on real paper, backed up by real guitars and incredibly talented musicians, is yet another dream come true. Life is good. People are crazy.
Every now and then, one person finds another person who is perfect for them in every way; yet such a challenge. I can love, but I can never change. Neither him nor myself. But nobody promised that this life would be easy.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009 4:31:41 AM
He wants to see her again. I can feel it inside every embrace.
He wants to hold her again. I am a bookmark. A placeholder while he flips the empty pages of time, waiting for her to fill them all in. The details are not important, he can wait.
I am the replacement. The filler. The "good enough for now". And if anyone who ever knew me ever saw that, they would take me away to a happy place right now.
Because usually I am better than that and I will not be used and I will not be the placeholder. Because usually I am smarter than that and I will not be the second best and I will not be the other woman.
But somehow, whatever used to be "usually" and what used to be "never" have fallen by the wayside while I allow myself to feel things that I have never felt before.
I am setting myself up for failure. I am handing myself to him so that he can do what he pleases with whatever remains of me by then.
I should know so much better.
I should be so much smarter.
I should never have let myself get so involved.
This is going to be the longest night.
I should have known the instant I felt happy that this was just a farce.
I should have felt the minute I was giddy that this was just a dream.
I should have listened to myself when I told myself that this was the stupidest thing I have ever done.
Mom was right about one thing. Love isn't blind. It's just fucking stupid.
Thursday, April 9, 2009 3:01:04 AM
Fare you well....
This is an email that I can't send...
****
Of course I let people step all over me. I have spent the last 9 years hearing how much I suck at everything I do. I have never been appreciated, loved, cared for, acknowledged, respected.
I tend to fall in love with people who think I'm sub-par.
I guess there's not much that I can do about that.
Nobody knows the sacrifices that I have made for this. Nobody. And yet you take it upon yourself to tell me how badly I do it. You will never know.
***
I need to stop writing the email now. This is too much.
The Big L word has been thrown out there. And not by me.
And within 24 hours, there's drama. I can't stand another round of "you hurt the one you love the most" because that's just sneak-speak for "I will be your emotional punching bag because we both know I'm too weak to leave".
Goddamn the patterns of life. And curse the day one recognizes them and yet continues to live with them.
Fearless Female notebook entry number whatever: this sucks.
Just when you think things are great. Just when you start to think that you have what you deserve and you deserve what you have and all of it is finally good because you consider yourself worthy of good...things fall to shit.
I wish I could pray right now. But I hide these things from God the way I would hide them from my own Father. I'm supposed to be stronger and better than this.
Lovers, they come and go but the river roll, roll, roll....
Sunday, March 22, 2009 3:51:33 AM
And even though we just can't make it work out, the "want to" lingers on.
What a great song.
There are so many great songs in the world. Every memorable moment in my life seems to have a song and a smell attached to it. A bass line or a fresh clothes line can take me back to places that I want to be, don't ever want to be again, or didn't even know I was. It's incredible. And scary. When something so powerful is so out of your control....when something unavoidable can flood you with emotions before you even realize that you have been exposed. How truly vulnerable are we?
Sometimes there are conversations that you wish you never had. Even though you knew that you had to eventually have them. Sometimes there are pieces of reality that you wish you never faced. Even though you knew that someday you had to face them. And sometimes there are moments that you wish that you could take back, even though you knew that someday they had to come.
Sometimes, you wish that you didn't love someone because the power that feeling gives them is just too much for you to give up.
I think "vulnerable" is my word of the day. Week. Hell, year.
I think I'm sure I will get hurt.
I think I'm going crazy. And I know I'm crazy about him.
I think he says things to me that he's said to a hundred others. I think I care but only after the words have sunken in.
I think I hate to think of the hundred others. God, I'm so far in. I'm so far gone. I'm so far away. I'm so far from where I thought that I would want to be right now.
Sometimes, this feels too much like Pat. Feels too much like a movie or a love song. Feels too much like when he leaves I'm going to die. Feels like I'm just building up to a bittersweet goodbye.
Sunday, March 15, 2009 6:07:20 AM
When I'm barely drunk, but not drunk enough...sometimes I get angry at nothing and it seems like everything and it seems like it's falling apart.
And it's really not fun or comfortable to meet the woman that your boyfriend is in love with. And see that she is everything that you're not.
And then it's even worse when he asks you what's up and if everything is okay and you have to lie so that he can keep having fun. And so that you can keep not crying.
Sometimes when I write these things out and I see them in type and they become real and unavoidable, I am amazed at the things that I think. Sometimes I am amazed that I am even still here.
I keep getting into this cycle of thoughts where I believe that my life is over. Like this is it, this is the end. I am too late for everything. Nothing good will ever happen because where on earth will I fit it in?
I keep thinking that everything has already been wasted. Whatever I am doing now is temporary. There's no time for anything permanent. I keep telling myself that I made a mistake and now it's too late to fix it.
Right now I am wearing sweats and sitting in a warm bed but I am still cold. I am in a room with an incredible man but I am still alone. I am buzzed from partying all night and happy about the fun, but I am angry and bitter and still sad.
Right now I am not making any sense.
1 2 3 4 Next »
My Opera
