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Kitty's Corner

Cutting

Tuesday, 8. September 2009, 04:10:29

,

Injuring yourself on purpose by making scratches or cuts on your body with a sharp object — enough to break the skin and make it bleed — is called cutting. Cutting is a type of self-injury, or SI for short. Most people who cut themselves are girls, but guys self-injure, too. People who cut usually start cutting in their young teens. A few continue to cut into adulthood.

People may cut themselves on their wrists, arms, legs, or bellies. Some people self-injure by burning their skin with the end of a cigarette or lighted match.

It can be hard to understand why people cut themselves on purpose. Cutting is a way some people try to cope with the pain of strong emotions, intense pressure, or upsetting relationship problems. They may be dealing with feelings that seem too difficult to bear, or bad situations they think can't change.

Some people cut because they feel desperate for relief from bad feelings. People who cut may not know better ways to get relief from emotional pain or pressure. Some people cut to express strong feelings of rage, sorrow, rejection, desperation, longing, or emptiness.

The cutters don't cut themselves to get attention. People who injure themselves usually hide the cuts and marks and sometimes no one else knows.

I think the most important way in which others can help self-harmers is by listening and not judging them. Talking without prejudice may be a good start to helping a person who hurts herself. You can remove the shame and secrecy associated with self injury. And, you encourage communication between you and the SI'er. You help create change just by talking.

Something that might stop you is that you might not know what to say. Even though you might not know what to discuss, just be acknowledging that you want to talk opens up communication channels.



Things that aren't helpful is:

* Ordering them to stop it.
* Watching them.
* Taking away their privacy.
* Taking away their razors and all sharp objects.
* Making them feel even more abnormal by saying things like, "You need help. You are sick. That is not normal."
* Rejecting that part of them. Not accepting their behaviour.
* Threatening them - such as with being sent to the hospital.


I know this is a controversial subject - so please - no disrespectful comments.

Rules for catsKnock Knock

Comments

flamingo-rinse 8. September 2009, 05:01

I've commented on this elsewhere in your blog, Pussy Cat, as you know - and my opinions remain the same....offer love, friendship, respect, let cutters know that they're interesting, loveable, needed....I think that would help a lot, when they start to believe that they're important and that someone likes\wants\loves them, you know??

Dialogue requires trust before it can start. Friendship begets trust, non-judgemental companionship likewise.....trust and friendship are what you need, to start digging yourself out of somewhere you don't want to be...i m o, anyway...

flamingo-rinse 8. September 2009, 06:51

I have to come back and say that there is the added complication of 'Fashion Cutting', whereby some individuals cut as they might have a tattoo, and in fact you can pay to be cut\scarred by a professional artist, much like a tattooist. Which does complicate things.....

Cois 8. September 2009, 07:23

I've only seen branding not cutting as a artform :left:.

Dacotah 8. September 2009, 07:27

:frown: For a person to have so much pain they don't know how to deal with it so they try to cut themselves to let that pain out. I've heard some do it to see if they can still feel anything, they been hurt so bad they don't think they can feel anything.

Kimmie 8. September 2009, 08:04

I've gotta say, I used to have a big problem with this a few years back, and what finally stopped the addiction was actually an ultimatum. I know different approaches work with different people, and I think the reasons they do it are very important to find out before action is taken. A lot of the time, the self-harmer doesn't really know the real reason why they're hurting themselves, and they can't fix it until they find the root of the problem.
I think it's tough to accept self-harm. Watching new wounds appear on someone you love and knowing they did it to themselves... No. I couldn't stand it. And I think this perspective personally helped also.

Dacotah 8. September 2009, 08:07

Kimmie x

flamingo-rinse 8. September 2009, 09:08

Hi Kimmie - when you say 'ultimatum', do you mean like, 'stop doing it or else we'll have you sectioned' or something like that?? (As far as I know) I don't know anyone with this particular issue, and am operating purely on instinctive reactions in my comments above...

Kimmie 8. September 2009, 09:53

No, it was Mik's ultimatum. "Stop doing it, or I'm leaving and not coming back." Knowing just how much it hurt him to watch it happen, and how much it hurt to say that.. It was a wake-up call. I've slipped a couple times since I stopped, but we've worked through it. *shrugs*

David Scott Aubrey 8. September 2009, 10:17

David Scott Aubrey 8. September 2009, 10:20

And same again to Kimmie, because it seems relevant:

Santa Furie 8. September 2009, 10:33

To be fair that ultimatum didn't work. Getting so sick of it that I said "Stop doing it or I'll start and match you wound for wound" was the trick. Meaning it helped too. You've gotta understand though, we were at a stage where the therapeutic trip was gonna take years of hard work on both parts and I wasn't about to leave a chance of her not making it to the end of that road.

There are no hard and fast rules for these things. No do's and don'ts that will work for everybody. For some people they need a way to physically get their feelings out (the reason this is more associated with girls than boys being that boys are more likely to do sports), others do it because they don't like their bodies and want to punish them for betraying them, others still are taking control of the one thing in their lives that they can.

Different people require different approaches. While one person may just need a punching bag and a few kickboxing lessons, others need deeper therapy to begin liking themselves, while others need more responsibility in their lives. Recognising why these things are happening is only part of the battle, but it can be the hardest part and all others rely on that information.

Kimmie 8. September 2009, 10:55

Oh yeah I forgot that was what did it. Sorry babe... Why do I always forget? :frown:

Mina 8. September 2009, 14:09

Kimmie, I'm glad you were able to put that in your past, and that you have a great man who loves and supported you through it. :love:

I've had a few close friends through the years that cut, and they all have confessed that it's addicting, like a drug.

And the same as I need a cigarette when all life rain down on me... They "needed" the release and calm that cutting brought them, often struggling not to, to no avail.

Kitty, your post was excellent, and your advice echoed many things my friends had told me when they trusted me enough to tell me how they felt about others knowing and their reactions.

Still, I know all to well, the drop of the heart as a friend when I noted the clothes worn the next day to deliberately hide what they did the night before, and the look in both our eyes as we knew each others thoughts and said nothing.



dbshadow(Deacon Blue) 8. September 2009, 16:11

Scary subject, I cause enough pain accidentally that I need not add more.:cry: :cry: :frown: :heart:

Suntana 8. September 2009, 16:55

I've frankly never understood the logic of how cutting ones self helps relieve pain in anyway. I mean, cuts HURT! :insane: So, to inflict pain on yourself on purpose ... I don't get it.

Santa Furie 8. September 2009, 17:10

Ever been pissed off and wanted to punch something, even if there's no-one to blame and therefore no reason to punch anything? It's the same principle. The release of feelings in a physical manner.

Also people increasingly have control taken away by the world and controlling how much pain you cause your body is a way of taking some control back.

Put the two needs together (as often happens in these cases) with the fact that we're constantly being told by advertising that we're worthless unless our bodies meet a predefined standard that is actually unhealthy for most people as well as unreachable and you can see the basics of how it works and how it can start.

Kimmie 8. September 2009, 17:12

@suntana - most cutters do what they do as a form of punishing themselves. Guilt, self-hatred, that sort of thing. Some people direct their violence outward, via exercise, sometimes hurting others. Some direct it at themselves or others because they find no relief in the healthy ways of letting out their emotions.

Kitty 8. September 2009, 18:29

Thank you for all your comments, they're all appreciated.

Whether you are one who tries to understand, one who've tried it yourself, one who knows someone, or just wanting to help if you can, I am glad all this can be talked about in respect of others, even though it's a subject that can be hard to understand.

Thank you for that. That means I have the spirits on my blog that I want to have. :love:

r♡se 8. September 2009, 18:43

Informative post, Kitty! I don't know if I've ever known somebody who has cut themselves, but what I don't understand is people who seem to truly believe that all people in a certain group cut themselves. For instance - they're dressed in black, they must cut themselves. Or - they're emos - they probably cut themselves.
Like you pointed out - they're not doing it for attention.

Dacotah 8. September 2009, 18:45

:love: :heart:

Santa Furie 8. September 2009, 19:42

The problem with stereotypes like that is that there's only a few months of it spreading needed before people new to that group believe in the stereotype and try to fulfill their obligations.

Suntana 8. September 2009, 20:23

I see what you're saying, Furie. Way back when we were kids, my older brother hit the back of his head right on the corner of a metal window frame. He instinctively, spontaneously punched the window :yikes: ... of course cutting himself a bit. But, see, that's different because it was a spur of the moment action, without thought to the consequences.

But, with the cutting thing ... a person knows exactly what he / she's gonna do.
There goes one cut.
There goes two cuts.
There goes ...

So, the situations are different IMO.

Suntana 8. September 2009, 20:30

Well, Kimmie, luckily I haven't yet found myself in a situation whereby I had to punish myself physically. At worst, maybe I've punished myself verbally, as we all have, with something like, "Stupid Stupid Stupid! That was really Stupid of me! I should KNOW better!." But, it ends there.

Now I can understand / see the exercise way of releasing pent up anger and such. I've seen it in movies. Not that I have a Punching Bag. That makes more sense since you're NOT hurting anyone or damaging any property.

Kimmie 8. September 2009, 20:44

Yes, that's you. You've not been unfortunate enough to have a mental illness or debilitating self-hatred to the point you'll maul yourself because you just can't let yourself go unpunished. It's not difficult to understand when you consider just how very ill some people actually are.

Kimmie 8. September 2009, 20:47

Oh, and FYI, in my experience most self-harmers don't "plan" anything. It's as simple as this: bad emotion = automatic retrieval of sharp object, hack hack hack. Then the emotion fades and realisation of what you've done and now regret seeps in. The cycle of self-hatred continues.

Santa Furie 8. September 2009, 21:05

Spur of the moment action with no thought to the consequences. Yeah, that's pretty much the same. Now take into account that people have been trained to not like their bodies, and that they need to find any way possible to take control back from the world. This isn't about releasing rage most of the time so spur of the moment doesn't apply in that sense, but it is about releasing a negative emotion that's been eating at you and you can't keep hidden anymore.

On your comment of calling yourself stupid, do you realise how dangerous that is? One of the first things I teach people trying to understand their mental health problems is that words are important. For example, saying you can't do something implies that you will never be able to, not that you're having problems at the moment. Saying you're stupid may seem like the healthy option but it's amazing how often self-depreciating comments are the beginning of a self image problem.

Santa Furie 8. September 2009, 21:06

Wow, I spent ages writing that comment. :eyes: Gotta stop doing this while watching TV.

David Scott Aubrey 8. September 2009, 21:17

Hope Conor reads your post, Z.



Has anyone else noticed the tendency online, in the media, etc., since the sub-culture emerged for people to automatically (and dismissively) label someone Emo if they're a cutter? As if to say, "Ehh ... they're Emo ... of course they cut themselves", completely ignoring the fact the person has a mental or emotional illness/problem - and actually requires help instead of 'knowing' nods and disdain?

flamingo-rinse 8. September 2009, 21:22

I understand the feeling, whereby you hurt yourself because you feel bad, if you see what I mean (Kimmie says it much better). I don't wish to open a seperate thread, but in some ways it's like some eating disorders - slef loathing promotes the behaviour that increases the self loathing and on iit goes - believe me, a *very* easy cycle to get into - even if you think you're 'normal', 'stable' and all of that you could go there before you even know what's happened, and already it will be almost normal for you to do it....it's not hard to get like this at all, what's hard is coming back...

Stardancer 8. September 2009, 21:56

People find all sorts of ways to relieve pain in their lives, whether by cutting, violence, isolation, hoarding, masochism, or whatever. All of us feel pain. All of us.

Love, care, compassion, friendship, and understanding are the keys to helping each other alleviate that pain.

:heart:

:smile:

Santa Furie 8. September 2009, 22:20

David, the human condition is to ignore others problems but not to admit not understanding them. As an egomaniacal narcissist I can understand why people are like that, but it doesn't make it right. People want to be seen as caring and they want to be seen as knowledgable but, at the end of the day that gets in the way of knowing and caring about the relationships that are blooming on soaps.

FR (you have to reveal a name, man), most people equate self-loathing and it's various physical symptoms to an addiction in how hard they are to quit. It's almost like OCD (possibly the health problem that terrifies me the most) in how it can take control of your life.

Santa Furie 8. September 2009, 22:31

Stardancer, I couldn't agree more. The problem however lies with the general perception of these things being people looking for attention. Even if they are, the fact that they'd do something like that to get it shows there's a much deeper problem that isn't being addressed.

Stardancer 8. September 2009, 23:00

Oh, definitely, Mik. They are seeking attention, but not in the general sense. It's a way of saying, "I'm hurting, and I need your help to learn how to cope with...." They're not saying, "Look at me! Look at me!" Usually they don't want to be noticed at all, except maybe by that one caring, loving person who might actually be able to help them learn how to cope with whatever is causing their pain.

In a sense, it's a self-validation: "I hurt, therefore I am." Learning new and healthy ways of self-validation can be a step toward healing. And sometimes, it just takes someone else saying, "I like you, no matter what," to start them on that path.

:smile:

flamingo-rinse 9. September 2009, 00:18

@Mik : Nick :smile:

I know OCD'ers and....fuck it's hard...but sometimes living with it is easier than 'dealing' with it, know what I mean?? Treatment (if I may call it that)...I think it's more behavioural guidance\modification until the mind resets it's default patterns to *some other way*, some kind of re-learning technique....but personally, Pure-O scares me way more...

With self hurt, I'm thinking along the lines of something deeply, fundamentally emotional not being given, or rather -the deep emotional 'flower' not being allowed to blossom (if I may use these terms) inside the troubled individual. Love and self-love are very closely linked - a person fundamentally needs some kind of Love, or the person will die a slow death (on the inside first).

Star : "I like you no matter what" is good, preferably "I Love you, no matter what, and I always will, no matter what"......that'd be a good place to start.....

I hurt, therefore I am (hurt).

But there actually does need to be someone to say it, who means it, otherwise the whole thing is betrayed and off we go again...

Stardancer 9. September 2009, 01:11

I agree, Rinse. I started to use the word, "love". But I've personally heard people say, "I love you because I have to, but I don't like you at all."

I think our meaning is the same, though. Unconditional, irrevocable feelings of love, compassion, and understanding for each other are what are needed.

:smile:

Suntana 9. September 2009, 02:35

I guess "punish" was to strong a word when I commented about the "Stupid Stupid Stupid ..." Etc. I didn't mean it in the brutal, dangerous sense of the word. I just meant like if I performed a major screwup, I'd do that bit, but certainly NOT to the point that it'd affect me. It wouldn't be anything remotely along the lines of say an adult calling a child, "Stupid Stupid Stupid! You should KNOW better! That was really stupid of you!" THAT would be different. A child COULD be affected by that.

Santa Furie 9. September 2009, 11:17

Anyone can be affected by that. We're constantly growing and evolving here. It's just too easy for us to program problems in.

David Scott Aubrey 9. September 2009, 12:08

Random thoughts that I couldn't figure out where to put, so I put 'em here. They might even be relevant, or helpful, to some readers:

Don't get hung up on 'normal'. There is no 'normal'. Ask 100 people what their definition of 'normal' is and you'll get 100 different answers. 'Normal' is what you] think it is. Do what's 'normal' for you.

Don't assume that finding a significant other is somehow going to magically solve all your problems so you can live happily ever after - it's not fair on you or them. If you're lucky, they'll be understanding, patient and supportive, but they're not your cure-all.

There's no magic bullet, no single thing that will fix things for you. There's many things. There's trial and error, finding what works and sticking with that, failing, picking yourself back up, dusting yourself off and trying again, working to make your life better. Sometimes medication helps. Sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes other people help. Sometimes they don't. Sometimes the only person who can help you is the one looking at you in the mirror. And sometimes not. Life is dynamic like that.

Don't assume that because you just can't see things improving at all that they won't. Things change.

Don't assume I'm right, know what I'm talking about, have any of the answers, or that my comments are set in stone or relevant to you. I don't even have a little picture near my name, while everyone else does, so how good can I be? p: :wink:

Stardancer 9. September 2009, 14:30

Originally posted by clean:

Don't assume I'm right, know what I'm talking about, have any of the answers, or that my comments are set in stone or relevant to you. I don't even have a little picture near my name, while everyone else does, so how good can I be?


Ditto.

:D

Kitty 9. September 2009, 17:30

Originally posted by Mr Rinse:

But there actually does need to be someone to say it, who means it

You're right about that. And that person needs to be willing to say it again and again until it's actually believed in. Because that might take what seems like forever. There's always this little piece of doubt deep inside saying: "Nah... that's only something he says!"


Originally posted by David:

"Ehh ... they're Emo ... of course they cut themselves"

That's because there are so many people who says things they don't know anything about! Emo comes from the music stage, and has got nothing to do with cutting.


Originally posted by Mik:

words are important

That's so true. Both words that you tell yourself, as well as the words others hurl at you. If people keep calling you stupid/fat/whatever there's a huge chance that you'll actually end believing in it. And once you've got a certain self image, it's damn hard to get out of again!


Originally posted by Kimmie:

Why do I always forget?

Maybe because there are things that we like to leave behind us.


Marike 9. September 2009, 20:21

One of my very best friends in school did that. She would also hit her head against the wall until it would bleed and make some excuse to everyone about what happend. It usually were triggered by fights between her and her boyfriend. Only when she and the boyfriend broke up and she got over him, did she stop.

Heri.s 9. September 2009, 22:20

I think most people who do that.... They want to see...where they will go??? Heaven or hell.... And I tell you, if you do that you will go to heaven... But hot heaven... Coz when that's happen... Wrong room you go... Beside heaven..... HELL....full fire....uh.... Hot...hot....who want hot dogs??? :smile: peace

flamingo-rinse 10. September 2009, 01:06

Originally posted by Pussy Cat:

"Nah... that's only something he says!"

That's true - it does need to be said, every day...you can't pretend or play around when you say 'I Love You' - too much rides on it, to much life, too much hope - you should only say those words if it's true. Truth will always out in the end, with Love. And if it is true, say it at every opportunity you get - then...you know....there's a chance...

Kimmie 10. September 2009, 08:52

Kitty - well, yes, that's pretty much it, no surprise there.

Hericore - you really need to consider thinking before you type. If someone who could benefit from this post ends up reading it, your comment about self-harmers going to hell could well undo the very thing that Kitty was trying to achieve.

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