My thoughts and feelings...

aaaargh...I am soo sorry..I havent got much time to blog lately!!! I got sooo busy!! I had to clean out my roomk and my house and I think I gotta repaint a lot of walls.......and left me very tired to go out to anywhere....I still can view stuff on my mobile and read all of my pals posts but I cant post comments.....I will definitely post back to all of you when I have the time!!!


gotta blast!!!!........



see you...luuuuve uuuuuuuu

It must be interesting to have grandparents like them!

*is grandpa wearing any pants or not?

I am sorry....that I havent been around very much.

I sometimes dont even know what to write!


So many times I have felt that I am completely free of my problems and depression and I felt that I am in control of my life and I am happy. There is nothing wrong with my work of my personal life. ah,yes, maybe its the people.

As long as I am left alone, and no stupid question asked, I am quite fine and happy but lately, a lot of people that talked to me kept asking the same question over and over as forcing me to do things that is impossible for me to do! At first I was ok and could ignore them but somehow the words got to me and I finally broke down.

What was the questions?

" Well, you do have a good education and grades...why didnt you continue your studies?"
me: I cant...I dont have the money

" There is a lot of colleges and university that offers loans, why didnt you get one?"
me: duh....My mum cant work anymore...and she is alone...if go to study, what will I feed her? sand?"

" What about your dad? where is he?"
me: oh..he's loooong gone.

" Oh, I am so sorry, did he pass away?"
me: oh he ran away...

Well...yeah....he ran away with a young indonesian woman and sold his house and everything and moved to Surabaya but I dont know what is the exact address but what I know I have 2 step sisters and 1 stepbrother....I am imagining him..a 65 year old man trying to raise 3 kids that is less than 12 years old there.....hahahaaa....his fault...he's the one that wanted to have a new and young wife and left me and my mum poor, alone and starving. His fault. I forgive him but the pain will always be there.He had found his path and I shall go mine.


Then I did try to continue my study in college and working at the same time. I can say that I have only half a diploma in Multimedia!!! I had to quit halfway. The stress of working and studying and the deadline and the assignments was unbearable to me and one day during a test I fainted. not to mention the stress that came from people that I thought was my friends and I was 'dead' because I got stabbed by so many people, I had my nervous breakdown.

Poor mum, she tried everything to help me to be alive again. I even got physically sick too and she drag me to clinics and did blood tests. oooo... then I found out that I got thalassemia minor!! thank God its not serious. If it was major...I'd be dead...i suppose..

I travelled a bit, changed my job, dissconnect my former life..and eventhough I kept working and working, I was happy.
but now these people, Iknow they mean well, and have good intention, but please get out of my 'hair'....dont push me to do things that is impossible for me to right now. Whenever they came, they kept pushing me, asking me to go and continue my studies and as if working as a cashier at a gas station is not a good job....its a good job...the boss, the manager, I owe them my life...because of them, I found life again...and to trust another human being again.

I shall never leave them....ever...and I love this job. I am proud to be a Cashier in a Gas Station.


I am sooo going to tell them that in their face......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KII1ruAfvsg

Rule The World.

You light, the skies up above me
A star, so bright you blind me
Don't close your eyes
Don't fade away
Don't fade away

Yeh you and me we can ride on a star
If you stay with me girl, we can rule the world
Yeh you and me we can light up the sky
If you stay by my side, we can rule the world.

If walls, break down, I will come for you
If angels cry, oh I'll be there for you
You've saved my soul
Don't leave me now
Don't leave me now

Yeh you and me we can ride on a star
If you stay with me girl, we can rule the world
Yeh you and me we can light up the sky
If you stay by my side, we can rule the world.

All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you
For you
All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you
For you,

Yeh you and me we can ride on a star
If you stay with me girl, we can rule the world
Yeh you and me we can light up the sky
If you stay by my side, we can rule the world.

All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you
For you
All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you
For you
[repeat]



Such a beautiful song!!.........this is for all of my friends too

With my heart heavy
With my thoughts heavy
With heavy legs I go
To the place where tears would flow,

Along the way
I counted slow
the rocks
the pebbles
the lines
and the trash
that scattered along the way
To the place where memories flitters away

I kept my head low, dare not look at the sky,
because I will wonder why
why me
why me.

And then why must they are the ones who go to the place so suddenly and leave me behind

Without a goodbye
or a hug or a kiss

they just go
to the place where the world deceased.

....

I have arrived my love, my darlings and so does the rain.

The flowers that I brought yesterday are still fresh I see but I still bring more today.

My tears are one with the rain and they drop together upon your graves,
They seep deep into the ground.

I wonder

Can you feel the rain?
Can you feel my tears?

In the rain
I do not feel cold at all
Because the rain is your warm tears .

...

The rain has stopped
And so does my tears
I must leave you now
but tomorrow
I shall come again
to the only place where only my tears could touch you.




memento mei