MAH THOUGHTS AN FEELINGSz

This music really soothes me.....hmmmmmm........beautiful.....

hahaha I did a hair cut...and I look like a boooy!!!!! too ashamed to post my pic!!!!

It must be interesting to have grandparents like them!

*is grandpa wearing any pants or not?

I am sorry....that I havent been around very much.

I sometimes dont even know what to write!


So many times I have felt that I am completely free of my problems and depression and I felt that I am in control of my life and I am happy. There is nothing wrong with my work of my personal life. ah,yes, maybe its the people.

As long as I am left alone, and no stupid question asked, I am quite fine and happy but lately, a lot of people that talked to me kept asking the same question over and over as forcing me to do things that is impossible for me to do! At first I was ok and could ignore them but somehow the words got to me and I finally broke down.

What was the questions?

" Well, you do have a good education and grades...why didnt you continue your studies?"
me: I cant...I dont have the money

" There is a lot of colleges and university that offers loans, why didnt you get one?"
me: duh....My mum cant work anymore...and she is alone...if go to study, what will I feed her? sand?"

" What about your dad? where is he?"
me: oh..he's loooong gone.

" Oh, I am so sorry, did he pass away?"
me: oh he ran away...

Well...yeah....he ran away with a young indonesian woman and sold his house and everything and moved to Surabaya but I dont know what is the exact address but what I know I have 2 step sisters and 1 stepbrother....I am imagining him..a 65 year old man trying to raise 3 kids that is less than 12 years old there.....hahahaaa....his fault...he's the one that wanted to have a new and young wife and left me and my mum poor, alone and starving. His fault. I forgive him but the pain will always be there.He had found his path and I shall go mine.


Then I did try to continue my study in college and working at the same time. I can say that I have only half a diploma in Multimedia!!! I had to quit halfway. The stress of working and studying and the deadline and the assignments was unbearable to me and one day during a test I fainted. not to mention the stress that came from people that I thought was my friends and I was 'dead' because I got stabbed by so many people, I had my nervous breakdown.

Poor mum, she tried everything to help me to be alive again. I even got physically sick too and she drag me to clinics and did blood tests. oooo... then I found out that I got thalassemia minor!! thank God its not serious. If it was major...I'd be dead...i suppose..

I travelled a bit, changed my job, dissconnect my former life..and eventhough I kept working and working, I was happy.
but now these people, Iknow they mean well, and have good intention, but please get out of my 'hair'....dont push me to do things that is impossible for me to right now. Whenever they came, they kept pushing me, asking me to go and continue my studies and as if working as a cashier at a gas station is not a good job....its a good job...the boss, the manager, I owe them my life...because of them, I found life again...and to trust another human being again.

I shall never leave them....ever...and I love this job. I am proud to be a Cashier in a Gas Station.


I am sooo going to tell them that in their face......