çok uzaklarda bir yerlerdeyken...

It's 3:34 pm on a very hot saturday. I'm in the lab, waiting for my media to warm up, so that I can feed my cells. We went to Santa Cruz this morning. Enjoyed the boardwalk and the sun. Reminded me of my Wildwood days. Smell of funnel cakes, sound of metal wheels from the amusement park... I tried to get tanned a little bit. Doesn't look like it worked though. I shouldn't have used 50 factor sunscreen. I feel tired. But I will go to the gym as soon as I'm done taking care of the kids. We might go to see a movie tonight.

1 more month till home!

it started to scare me when i found myself saying aloud that i don't like wedding rings. and i told it several times now. what kind of a girl wouldn't like to be asked for her hand with her boyfriend holding a ring? i guess what annoys me is the meaning people think the ring carries. everybody is so dazzled by how big the "stone" is. why does it matter? i hate how everything is materialized. i love my mom's plain ring. with nothing on it. just a circle. but the point is, now that everybody around me started to get married (my high school friends, Angela, my brother, my ex-roommate...) i tried to think if i ever dreamt of my own wedding... every girl dreams of her own wedding... at least when they are little. every girl except me. i even tried to look at wedding gowns online, thinking that it might motivate me maybe. nothing. absolutely nothing. not that i am against marriage or anything. i wanna get married. but i just cannot envision myself in a wedding gown. i can visualize myself wearing a cap and gown on my PhD graduation. but i cannot think of myself in a wedding gown. i tried to trace back. i thought maybe it is because i've worked in tons of weddings. but even then, even in those fancy weddings i never wanted to be in the shoes of brides. maybe i should accept who i am. maybe not every girl is supposed to get amazed by the idea of a big wedding. i dream of more trivial things. the other day we were riding back home. we stopped at the red lights. there was another car behind us which wanted to turn right. so i looked back and saw the driver. a guy around 35. he was wearing a blue shirt and glasses. he was excitingly explaining something to his kid sitting at the back seat. i thought it was very, very sweet. i do dream of having a family. and kids. but no wedding. maybe i will change. pufff. i know what i dreamt of. i always dreamt of getting married unexpectedly. my poor mom always thought i would change as i grow up. we are still waiting. maybe i am having a reaction because of my brother's wedding. i feel like he is not my brother anymore. especially since i am far far away. i wish we could be little again.

az once cuzdanimi yerlestirirken w.'le andronikos'tan yaptigimiz alisverisin fisini buldum. ne olursa olsun onunla guzel gunlerimiz oldu. geriye donup baktigimda pismanlik duymuyorum. neden o kadar onemli nereye vardigi ki? insan hayatinda kac kere supermarkette iliski konusmasi yapar? onemli olan da bu degil mi guzel anilar. yagmurlu bir gunde sokakta limon buldugum, topuklu ayakkabilarla vietnam restorani ararken usudugum, film izlerken zipladigimda kafami gomdugum, sarhos oldugum bir gecede eve donerken sacmaladigim... guzel anilar.

dananin kuyrugu nihayet koptu. uzuldum mu? rahatladim mi? tam olarak bilemiyorum. bir bakima rahatladim. daha fazla zaman kaybetmedigim icin mutluyum. elimden ne gelir ki zaten daha baska?

I am finally back at home. After the long long flights and driving for my brother's engagement party. I am so tired.

tek basina ada olmak. gunlerdir kafamin icinde donup duruyor bu kavram. tek basina ada olmak... tum hayat uniteleriyle baglantinin kesilmesi, ilk kez yuvadan ucmak, kanatlanmak. yara bere icinde kalabilirsin. ama sonuc olarak istesen de istemesen de, sevsen de sevmesen de bir sekilde ayakta kaliyorsun. hep soylemisimdir insan mecbur kalinca her seye alisiyor diye. 3 ay geride kaldi. gelecek neler getirecek bilmiyorum. gerektiginde guclu oldugumun farkindayim. en cok duygusal bosluklar zor doluyor. ama insan ona da alisiyor. bir gun, bir gun daha donmus yag gibi olmayi ogreniyorsun. nasirlasiyor hislerin. ozlemler oyle uzun suruyor ki bazen, tam olarak neyi ozledigini bile isimlendiremez oluyorsun. aileni mi, arkadaslarini mi, yillar yili arsinladigin yollari mi, televizyonda tanidik yuzler gormeyi mi?
tek basina ada olmak... cogu zaman gurur duymusumdur. her ne kadar ailesine fazlasiyla bagimli bir cocuk olarak buyumussem de asla varligimi bir erkegin varligina dayandirmadim. aileme ne kadar nazli olsam da, herkesin dusundugunun aksine burnum cok da surttu. sikayet edemem. bagimsiz olmayi seviyorum. zaten kadinlarinin bagimsizliga asiri duskun oldugu bir aileden gelmiyor muyum? anneannemin ve annemin aksine benim bagimsizligimi ozgurce yasama sansim var. daha denize capa atmama cok var.

god please let me be robert moses' brain. or at least if there is such a thing as recreation please let me be a dancer. the whole performance was amazing. the choreography was extremely mathematical and well-thought. i am not even mentioning the high quality dancers. yeahh, dancers were significantly good. but, you can find many good dancers. but a choreographer... i know how difficult it is to make a choreography. and this man was so good at it. the music was phenomenal as well. i was just hypnotized. i just wanted to die there. the last thing in my eyes, a good dance, last thing i hear is that extraordinary music. and i realized how much i missed dancing. nothing compares to dance. i am a passionate person and i need something to canalize my energy. dance was my therapy, my meditation, my challenge. i missed feeling the air on my face as i turn, i missed the harsh feeling of hardwood, i missed hearing a music, really hearing it. and i missed nurhan. i sometimes close my eyes and imagine myself back in the studio. all the good memories. as soon as i feel some comfort in here, i will definitely try to find some place to dance. if i get a car some day, i can even go to SF or something on weekends. i just want my bruises back! maybe i can visit nurhan while i am in istanbul. i might even attend a class. i wish i had danced more while i had the opportunity. i need to start again. but when and where?