Friday, 26. September 2008, 13:43:45
It's been a while since I have actually written outside of code and work related details. I have actually done this on purpose. One knows what they want when the heart is involved and would do what it takes to make sure they have done all they could to get what the heart wants.
My self and my love have been together for a little over a month now, and things are somewhat smooth. There are only a few things I would change and she would agree with me on those things. This past month has been great. We have made plenty of plans and they will see the light of day. Now that things are the way they are suppose to be, everything seems to be running smoothly. We have so much fun together especially when we are acting like high schoolers.
We have so much planned I'm not sure where to begin but for starters we have, haunted house, fright fest, ice skating, weekend trip to boston and a vacation at PR. We will be taking tons of pictures to document and show our children that we aren't boring. We have a lot of fun together. Just wish there was enough time and money to do it all.
I have a personal goal to reach for us and want that to be my primary goal. I don't want anyone to know what it is so don't worry....
Beverly knows she's had my heart since the day I saw her. That's well before the day we actually spoke to each other.
Beverly these words to follow are for you,
I am in love with you, and even with my undesired mood swings I know you are too. You are always on my mind and as I write this I miss you, and hope to be home soon, in 7 hrs (
)
In short: Even thought I am
and at times
you are my
and I am
over you and I'm able to show you even thought at times I am
about what I just did.
With all my heart,
Albert
Friday, 1. August 2008, 21:42:48
life and death, fear., love and hate
Been back and forth about what I am going to my ex's house and just letting it rip straight from my heart, we spoke, she's misserable, I'm depressed and to a point where I am just throwing $$$ away just to keep my head busy. I am growing to hate the thought of them, and I am about to just go off the edge.
Granted I write this againts her words, we spoke, I promisseded I kept my promise but now I am done protecting her from her own self. My options are two, see her talk to her and leave, or just leave. I kept my words to all and now I have to be true to myself.
There is no point in seeing anyone else after her, and in return I have fallen into a successful abyss of work and that is all I have. With that I will return my site, as well as my true psyche will be revealed.
Who am I...
Why I do what I do...
And who the fuck is on my list ... that if I see the mother fucker may the hand of the lords fuck me up before fuck him up.
I have come to a true realization that my life will never be complete, when I have 1 thing the other is missing. What I want is never in my views or up to me, I have to settle for shit I don't want and care about.
I never thought I would have to but I must. Thank you for forcing the pieces of my heart into my blood stream tainting me to a point where there is no return. Only a certain person can reverse this but not even then. I am hurt, disturbed, tainted, jaded and pure evil have become my thoughts. I wish to just terminate any existance I have left but I promised.
May the black magic done, and the wishes made be reverse and returned to the author times 3 for I myself know the truth of what it is to be a mage and a source of black magic. But to know and act upon them to bring your own goals at the cost of something real is truly the actions of a man weak not just in heart, but over all.
I may be weak but my weakness is true to the heart, for once I have met this mate of mine I knew that was it. Now what was it too early, too late? who cares any more. I know that it was true, who cares about the timing. I was always willing and able, never foregoing the thought of failure and just creating a moment where I was untrue to my feelings.
Acting one way and doing another was How I was but upon realizing what I was doing, I questioned why, and to this day I don't know why. I can push blame around everyone but why bother. What kind of a MAN would I be.
But I swear if the love of my life is harmed I will find crawford and see how much of a john he is!!
To bitch to the world and to bitch to get your way is difference, when my words will always be here!! Even with the disappearance of my personal site, I still remain here. I can always be found now then.
I may not be close any more nor in the same state but I am close. It is so easy for me to do what I do from anywhere in the world. Especially the only thing that can bring me piece at night is no longer here.
Tommy i'm sorry if we aren't able to meet for the tournament I will be sure to email your mother as well as give her a call just for that.
Again I'm sorry both to you and your Mother but this is out of my hands, now.
I'm not angry or upset with either of you, just something tells me I have to go and just disappear from being found physically. So next Monday I will leave.
My last action are just a cruise of the city(8/2), a wedding(8/8), a tournament(8/9), and then I leave(8/14). I will post some final pics of me in the city. I will keep my apartment for the remainder of the year just in case there is a reason for me to return.
Hey who know's I might just go around visiting my opera buddies.
FYI: I DON'T FEAR ANYTHING NOR ANYONE SO PLEASE DON'T TAKE THESE WORD LIGHTLY, I HAVE BECOME A TRULY STRONG INDIVIDUAL. JUST WEAK AT HEART BECAUSE OF MY COUNTERPART.
Tuesday, 29. July 2008, 19:19:48
Sorry guys,
I've actually been busy trying to fill my head with enough work to not worry about being single and you know what still sux!!
Well I'm still in love and it is what it is right. But in other news, I'm doing pretty dam well for myself. lol
I'll write more when I gets a moment of fresh air but damn this iphone and my.opera.com don't work well together!! wierd
Sunday, 6. July 2008, 23:47:34
prizes, tournament, naruto, site
I have finished the site enhancement for my friend "ROCKMAN" for
www.narutovolution.com So if your In NYC and want to take part of the narutovolution tournament visit
www.narutovolution.com and register. Prizes will be announced!!
Don't criticize to much I was doing what I was told lol!
Sunday, 6. July 2008, 19:56:03
It has been some time, and I have tried to nothing think and just shut myself into my work and career. Completing one project after another. I have become part of a new business venture and I am thinking of starting one of my own.
She has been in my mind ever since we separated. What we had planned and what I wanted for us has not left my mind. I try to act like it doesn't matter and I try to show that I am better but when it all comes down, I am torn apart. On one side I have the person who I was when I was with her, those memories are what keep me with her still. On the other side I have the person whom I have become. Completely selfless, drowning myself with work so the thoughts of the person I was would not rise. I had told myself that I will not write no more about how I feel and letting certain thoughts known to the world, but the honest truth is. No one truly is listening, how can what I write down affect those who are thousands of miles away. Their words are soothing but to be honest as the page refresh there is no turning back time.
I want that future for myself and for her. She has moved on, she has left me behind, she has but a few good memories of me and those will never supersede what I was. But for who I am it is a totally different person, lifestyle and even companion.
Having lost not only her, but my friends and my future I seek to fill myself not with self pity but with the thoughts of not thinking of her. As I had said before, for what I wanted we wanted but for what happened it was not what was supposed to be.
I am unbalanced without her, today I noticed that it was her who actually brought light to my ways. I tried and have continued to try. My soul is incomplete, and for the memory of what we had I will fulfill my words:
I will become healthier
I will focus on what is important to my life
I will always put my family first
I will think before I speak
I will prove that I do know what I want
I will not be scared of the future nor death
I will be afraid of living this life with out her.
I will continue to improve till my soul is complete again.
I am sorry, but I had to write this and if you read this please forgive these words for they were spoken just to be heard. Not for pity, sympathy not wanting people to be sorry for me. Not to drive guilt your way, but to let you know that it is true that you are the one who completes my circle, balances me out and brings clear thoughts to my being.
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