Allangie

STICKY POST

A short video for ya ;)

Wednesday, 7. May 2008, 11:11:16

I felt like saying something to you, my darlings....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UBxJA4g3oo

...My eyes are dimmed by tears...

I hope it won't take long to come back to normal(comparatively normal ) happy Alla who's in love with life, in love with love, laughs a lot and a caring friend.
Right now it's different.
I'm in tears, can't eat because my body throws up the food. All I eat is water. I'm on sedatives, without it my body gets cold and shakes and I can't sleep.
But I just can't leave it like this so I'll beat it all to the bits. Promise!

For now I'm just a lonely ship enshrouded in dense heavy fog.
Several months back a dark outline of another ship loomed through the fog and gave me hope my journey won't be so lonely no more, never again. I hoped the fog will melt away but it only melted into the rain of tears and disappointment.
I haven't received no sorry for lies and betrayal, no explanation, no goodbye hug, nothing but silence...

Fuck it!

Blanketed in fog, my ship continues its way.
I know one day the fog will become more translucent, I'll find my shore of contentment, my Felicity Cove. And I'll tell you a whole different story then.
Maybe of a plane floating above all clouds and haze, we'll see

I'm a firm believer in light and this fog shutting down rapidly around me is the one with sky discernible.

I LOVE YOU~

~!
Goodbye.

75 comments

And so I lost my all......

Wednesday, 21. May 2008, 06:47:21

First of all and the most important thing - I LOVE YOU, GUYS. You’re one of the biggest treasures in my life.
Opera has given me a huge life experience.
For 9 months here my heart was broken twice, in the most soifisticated way. I’ve fallen in love, made friends, met awesome people, found the best idad possible, became a member of an angels gang, obtained best sisters ever.
I feel here at home, feel loved.

But. But.

I gotta leave you for quite some time…
I’m lost in “offline” life, I just don’t see the way. I’m stuck and hate it. I thought I can handle, can beat the blues but I can’t.
I was also lied to and betrayed here, on Opera. Not by my friends, thanks god, but by those who claimed they love me. I was told to “fuck off”, was used and abused which rarely happens to me in the real life. I was cheated on. I have never cried so much in my life…
Oh well, I wish I had the “it’s-only-online” attitude but I’m taking it all too damn serious. Those things don’t help to cure the soul from depression, you know.
I’ve always lived in imaginary world and after finding this community things got worse. It slowly substitutes reality. When I’m going out with friends I can only seat still for 10 minutes, after that I get a cell out of my bag and get to Opera…

I wish I could embrace the world, could come to each one of you and say right in the face how much I’m in love with you all.
Mik, Kimmie, Kerstin, Angeliki, Karen, Amir, Marcus, Jose, Cois, Likeleli, Leo, Kiran, Hitesha, Dannii, Stomyr, Sukku, Darko, Ripp, Foxy and many many more, I just can’t concentrate and write down all names, sorry if somene’s missed in this list…

One thing I’ve understood (well it’s more than just one thing but this is the most important)-without love I’m nothing I hope I’ll find someone who sticks to his words and promises, who can make my world full of colors again. I don’t really ask for many things. I’m just panicky scared to get broken-hearted again. Don’t wanna feel this bitter taste of disappointment no more.

I want to feel LIFE, feel it running through my fingers like a warm ocean sand. I want to inject it to my veins, let it flow in my blood.
I must come back to the basics, find my self, start making my dreams and plans real.
I gotta go and tell my “offline” friends I love and care for them. Give my mom a hug.
I must stop crying over broken glass, it can’t be fixed anyway. But it can’t be replaced in my heart either….
I need to get infected with happiness, I so need it, oh Heaven!

I can’t talk, can’t pretend I’m fine, can’t smile no more, that’s why I’m leaving, taking a break.

I need to cut Internet down and concentrate on my goals.
That’s why I’m gonna be absent from Saturday, May 24th till the time when I get better.

Yours forever, Sad Blonde Angel

64 comments

Which Pussycat Doll am I?

Tuesday, 13. May 2008, 12:19:52

Like I always wanted to know

You are Jessica!

You're the fun and happy pussycat, You're full of energy and love nothing more then to let your inner-child shine! Your motto? Everyone needs a little fun once in a while!
Which Pussycat Doll are You?

117 comments

Me, finished!

Monday, 5. May 2008, 11:18:54

Check the sound

!

This is a picture of me, drawn by Night Wolf (we, angels, are privileged enough to call him Amir

)

I'm such a vixen

Dooooooon't mess with me

It's a part of a POSTER, a rare chance for all gang members to get together

47 comments

This day...

Saturday, 26. April 2008, 19:29:50

After I woke up this morning I wrote an extremely depressive and suicidal post about the importance of love in my life but it turned out so gloomy and outspoken that I got scared and deleted it

Instead of that I'm posting some random thoughts without any logical connection about what bothers me today...

The song of the day is Last night by Keisha Cole and P. Diddy. Its lyrics echoes in my heart, I keep listening to it on and on

It turned out I can't get back to smoking as I've planned

My eyes have started getting teary when I'm on 4th-5th ciggie and that messes up my make-up. Last time it happened I shed floods of tears so no cigarettes for me, thanks

I've decided to get rid of another bad habit. But that won't be as easy as with smoking...
I like to....how to explain.....to thrust my nails (when nails are cut I do it with two matches) into my facial skin and won't stop till it turns into a bloody mess of flesh. Yep, sometimes I feel that all beauty in me must die

I've finally found a proper application for my mobile which has all possible messengers inside

That's EQO. Great thing. Allows me to be on all messengers at the same time. It's also possible to make cheap phone calls and send messages with its help which I don't do but still... Those who interested and want to learn more, go to http://eqo.com

My mom came to me for a couple of hours. Washed my dishes

When I asked if my face is healing, she started kissing me saying I'm the most beautiful girl on Earth.
That was so sweet and nice and brings tears to my eyes when I think of it

I'm in love with russian model Alexandra (Sasha) Pivovarova

I mean, I like her looks

Wanted to publish a photo but couldn't find one which expresses that kind of beauty I see in her. I love this kind of faces- ugly-beautiful.

Found 2 little dead bugs in my lunch

There might've been more but I was finishing meal when spotted those two

I'm planning to get married next April.
To whoever will be in love with me by that time. Hopefully I would love him back.
Yes, now it's gonna be like that. I'm tired of being a locomotive in relationships, to make the first step, say the first word, beg for attention.
It's time to start being selfish.
I eager for being loved on the first place. To feel loved is what I need more than to love myself.
No more tearing up my soul for someone who only says he cares but acts opposite

Honestly, I know I'm a happy and lucky girl

because of many reasons. And I'm ashamed of feeling so down.
God, please, don't take it as ingratitude. I'm so thankful for the fate I've got

It's just the mood... I feel trapped, but I promise, I'll put myself together and find the way

143 comments

Yeah, baby!!!!

Thursday, 24. April 2008, 11:58:18

237 comments

Yellow magic

Tuesday, 22. April 2008, 12:28:50

I was given flowers by...weeeellll, you don't know him anyway

Just look at them... Precious

(I look crappy, it was early rainy morning, so don't look at me, look at what is beautiful)

This sort of roses is called "Yellow magic"

Hmmm... that's all the info I wanted to share

160 comments

Friends will be friends, huh?

Monday, 21. April 2008, 11:15:04

I'm very proud that most of the people I hang out with, been around me since childhood. I know some of those boys and gals for 22-23 years!
R. is one of such friends.
I remember I had a crush on him from the age 8 to 13

but he didn't like me that much.
At the age of 18-24 it was his turn to be in love with me. But no romance happened between us.

We've kept our relationships strictly companionate. Spent a lot of time together: barbeques, restaurants, parties...

From time to time we were losing connection, sometimes for many months but have always got back to hanging out with each other.

When I got back from America and were having a big bash, he came for 15 minutes, only to see me.
It was 2005 and I had no clue it's the last time I see my buddy R.

He got in the relationships and ended up getting married. Whenever our company of friends was having plans to spend time together, he's been invited, along with his lady, but never accepted invitations.

There were 3 of us-me, R. and Lilu who were the closest pals, from the same neighbourhood. Lilu was R.'s bestest friend who he called any time, mostly nights, when needed to talk, being drunk or depressed. Or when he needed to share what a bastard I am

Anyway, since he got married we lost him.
Well, a month ago or so R. met someone who knows Lilu and, for the first time after a long break, contacted her via ICQ. She told him my number and we started talking again....

Saturday night Lilu sent me a message asking if I checked my ICQ account recently.
I was intrigued, logged in and found 2 messages from R. but due to shitty connection wasn't able to read'em. I told Lilu about it. She called me all frustrated and said that R. sent her a message stated that he deletes her from his contact list and doesn't want to communicate any longer. She wrote him back asking if he's crazy or what and he replied- get off me, I don't need you anymore!!!!
Obviously, I had the same message.
What the fuck???? How could such an idea come across his mind? That's unbelievably disgusting, he was a part of our families. We shared childhood, good and bad, we were sharing lives!

Lilu is still upset about it and our other friends are shocked. Most of them deleted R. from their messengers.

All I feel is surprise and bewilderment.
I hope he understands fully what has he done and realizes there won't be any turning back.

67 comments

Cemetery

Monday, 14. April 2008, 07:32:55

Every year before Easter (which is 27th of April this time) we usually go to the cemeteries to clean, paint and set in flowers...

It takes 45 minutes by bus and the same amount of time walking through the forest to get to my grandma's burial site.
Tiring and relaxing at the same time.

Cemetery in my country is some sacred place where you can't talk loud or laugh.
A fresh grave

I remember being kids, me and my cousin always wanted to play there, every grave sight seemed like a toy playhouse but it was prohibited.
So while adults were busy we've been cleaning abandoned graves and were proud of ourselves, feeling useful, like those whose bones rest under the ground would appreciate our efforts and good intentions.
Forgotten grave