schizophrenia

God
supposedly wonderful
good natured.
Why?
What did i do wrong?
I HATE this illness
I HATE feeling lost, confused, trapped.
I HATE these voices and hallucinations.
I want to feel normal
happy not tearful.
I want to know what's real and not,
Since my reality is off-scale.
Why do you keep giving me bad luck?
How come every step i take goes downhill?
I HATE that you did this to me.
Whats the point?
It feels like I am a bug and you stepped on me.
I Hate feeling like im being
followed
watched
being plotted against.
I HATE feeling scrared around crowds because of "Them".
It feels like you desserted me.
Left me as food for the crows to take.
It seems that you don't care.
That you don't listen.
That you want me to feel
miserable
indifferent
abnormal.
I feel like crying
but I don't.
You make my reality scared and confused.
I HATE this...
Why did you do this to me?
Why do you want me not to make it?
I HATE seeing people who aren't there.
I HATE these voices.
I HATE seeing things that aren't there.
I HATE how it feels that people are
talking about me
or
trying to steal my thoughts.
I want to feel like a person again
and not trapped in my mind.
I don't want to worry my parents.
Sometimes you make it seem that
you want bad things to happen to me.
How many trials must i go through?
But i will not let them win.
I am trying to stay optimistic
but sometimes i can't.
I HATE feeling small
like shattered glass
things out of control.
I HATE feeling depressed.
I HATE that my meds aren't making "them" go away.
I HATE seeing things like my house on fire
even though it's not.
I HATE having "them" throw objects at me on my walks.
I HATE all of this.
Please help me to get better.

For Ilyse:

What do you see when your sure you are right
But all that surrounds you is wrong?
Can you tell what is real, do you touch do
you feel. Do you wonder who’s coming along?

Oh, I wish I could go and I wish I could know and
I wish I could feel what you feel.
I’d consider it gain if I carried your pain
And could show you what false and what’s real.

I can give only hope for a future of truth
and faith in a God that is pure.
I pray every day you will feel our Lord say
That his love for you always endures.

Ever get the feeling that you are being followed , but no one is behind you. or that someone is throwing stuff at you, but again no one is behind you.

Cindy keeps on fighting, she dosent want my medication to work. And know it seems like she'll do anything to make me feel worse at times. And banging my head, well, its not good, but last time i banged it really hard and she shut up. Now im starting to tell the difference when i am hallucinating. But it still seems all to real, everywhere i look i always see a person, when i turn a corner, when im walking, Now there starting to talk to me, or yell, anything to throw me off course.

Have any of you noticed that the voices like to argue with you. they either argue with you constanly or sometimes. I noticed mine likes to argue alot. So i told her i wouldnt argue with her anymore. And now i managed to piss her off. I dont know how to make her be quiet, and when she is quiet its only for short periods of time.

hi
your probably wandering who is this gurl and is she really schizophrenic?
Well, to start, I am 19 years old. I was just diagnosed in october towards the end of the month. So i have been dealing with this for about 2 months now. I have been hospitalized twice. Both at Pine Rest in Grand Rapids. I was at Baker College in Muskegon when i had my first mental breakdown. But i have been dealing with the voices since 8th grade. They never really bothered me much because they were like friends to me. During my senior year i started to hear them alot more, but i was afraid to tell anybody this because of how they might re-act. Towards the end of my senior year at school, i started collecting newspaper articles because they told me that there were secret messages in the newspapers and i was the only one who was meant to find them. And i found out that the goverentment was secreately traking people to eliminate. You know Human trafficing. But now i know i was delusional at that point. Once I started at Baker in September of 2005, i shared a dorm room with my roommate. I started noticing that i was having a hard time remembering anything in my classes. I had to study longer than normal just so i could keep a B in my classes. My roommate was gone alot so i ussually had the room to myself. I was still collecting newspapers, and when she was gone i would either stay in my dorm or go to the library to find the secret messages and write them down in my journal. I had newspapers pileing up in the corner of my dorm. In October i became so anti-social and kept to myself mostly. I didn't know how to trust people, so i either stayed in my dorm, or i took a long walk with the radio blasting to block the voices.
I thought that if i went to a socail gathering people would be able to steal my thoughts. I started to get really paranoid that "they" were out to get me. And the only person that i trusted was my roommate. Then things started to get alot worse. Everytime i was in my dorm room, or in the classes, the voices told me to kill who ever was next to me. So finally i found someone i could trust, and that person went with me to the counselor at Baker. It took 4 minuets before i even said anything to the couselor. Then she had me call my mom, which was really hard to tell her this was going on. My counselor called the hospital and i was taken to the ER in a room with a bed and restraints. Alot of things were going into my mind at that point. The couselor came with me to the ER because i didnt want to be alone. Fineally the Spych came in and asked the counselor to leave so she could talk to me alone. She asked me what was going on, and it took me a couple minutes to say anything, and then she told me i was a danger to myself and others and they would be haveing an ambluence to take me to Pine Rest. At that point I didnt know what to think, everything was so overwhelming. In the ambulence i was thinking it wouldn't be such a bad place, since my dad went to the same place when they diagnosed him as being Bipolar. My parents greeted me there when i arrived. I was there for 2 weeks the first time. It was the longest 2 weeks of my life. They had these classes that you were suppose to go to, and at the end of the day you could go to bed. At this point i havent been sleeping that great. I was lucky if i got 1 hour of sleep durring that 5 months from june to october. I couldn't sleep because of the voices. Finally after 2 days they put me on Seroquel and Haldo. At the end of the 2 weeks they sent me home. My psychologist was thinking, she cant be schizophrenic because her dad is really Bipolar. So he switched my meds to lithium. And after the first week, i was hallucinating really bad and still heard the voices, they sent my back to Pine Rest. I was only there for a week this time, and they increased my Seroquel to 800mg a day. So Right now i only hear one voice instead of 8 voices, and i still hallucinate. I mostly see people who arent there. And now i am hoping someday i will be symptom free. Now i am working with Community Mental Health, and they have these family groups that i am going to go to, and once i feel less paranoid they have this hang out place for people who have a mental illnes. To help them with job sckills, cooking, just being around other people. Right now i am so paranoid from hearing this one voice all the time i have a hard time trusting other people. Someday i hope to be symptom free and stable enough to have a job.

6025 (former rhythm guitarist of the Dead Kennedys)
Antonin Artaud (artist, poet, actor, theater philosopher)
Syd Barrett (founder of Pink Floyd)
Maria Bernoulli (wife of German novelist Hermann Hesse)
Nick Blinko (founder, singer, songwriter, guitarist and artist for Rudimentary Peni)
Buddy Bolden (jazz pioneer)
Clara Bow (actress)
Eduard Einstein (son of Albert Einstein)
Roky Erickson (founder of 13th Floor Elevators)
Zelda Fitzgerald (painter and wife of F. Scott Fitzgerald)
The Genain quadruplets (a set of four girls who each developed schizophrenia)
Frederick Frese (Psychologist in Ohio and current Vice President of NAMI)
Peter Green (founder of rock group Fleetwood Mac)
Jim Gordon (drummer for the rock group Derek and the Dominos)
Josef Hassid (gifted classical violinist)
H.R. Hudson (affected lightly by schizophrenia, leader of hardcore punk band Bad Brains)
Lucia Joyce (dancer, daughter of James Joyce)
Veronica Lake (actress)
James Tilly Matthews (subject of first book-length psychiatric case study)
William Chester Minor (army surgeon and major contributor to the Oxford English Dictionary)
John Nash (mathematician, winner of the Nobel Prize in economics and subject of the book and movie A Beautiful Mind)
Dr Vashishtha Narayan Singh (World renowned mathematician and an ex-NASA scientist from Bihar, India)
Vaslav Nijinsky (ballet dancer and choreographer)
Daniel Paul Schreber (German judge)
Nancy Spungen (girlfriend of Sid Vicious of the punk rock band The Sex Pistols)
Juanita Titus, the manic-depressive mother of stand up comedian Christopher Titus
John Kennedy Toole (author of A Confederacy of Dunces)
Gene Ray (self-proclaimed doctor of cubicism)
Skip Spence (band member of Moby Grape and Jefferson Airplane)
Mark Vonnegut (son of the writer Kurt Vonnegut)
Louis Wain (artist)
Wesley Willis (musician)
Adolf Wolfli (artist, in the outsider art tradition)
Piccaso (artist)