Tilla's page

These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word , taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were taking place.

Attorney: Are you sexually active?
Witness: No, I just lie there.

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Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

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Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
Witness: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan !

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Attorney: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
Witness: We both do.
Attorney: Voodoo?
Witness: We do.
Attorney: You do?
Witness: Yes, voodoo.

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Attorney: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

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Attorney: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Witness: Uh, he's twenty.

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Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Witness: Are you shittin' me?

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Attorney: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?
Witness: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!

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Attorney: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Attorney: Were there any girls?
Witness: Are you shittin' me?
Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

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Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?
Witness: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

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Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney: Was this a male or a female?
Witness: Guess.

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Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

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Attorney: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Witness: Oral.

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Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness:The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

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Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Witness: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

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And the best for last:

Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.