Friday, 20. November 2009, 10:23:05
thoughts, internet, darkness, opera
...
It’s weird how I think about blogging pretty much every day, but never get around to it. It’s tempting to say that I don’t have time for it, but that’s only partly true. It’s not like I don’t waste any time online … I should be blogging instead of playing FarmVille, for example. FarmVille is oddly addictive, though. I can’t for the life of me say what makes one stick to it, and I never thought that I would get caught when my sister sent me an invite as she needed more neighbours, but … I got hooked. I guess that it might be partly because my former addiction, FluffFriends, don’t work very well anymore … it’s too slow to be any fun at all, even though I love the cute critters there. Hm, but it’s not like FarmVille is without bugs. In fact, the whole of FaceBook drives me crazy right now, with everything that goes wrong all the time … not to mention the fact that the network at work really suck and kicks one out all the time. I realize that giving us Internet access for leisure isn’t a priority, but also the programs we use for work itself load and work extremely slowly and tend to bug … annoying, to say the least!
Today we have a bit of sunshine in Göteborg, but there sure hasn’t been a lot of that lately. They said on the news today that we’ve had 3,3 hours of sunshine in the whole of November … Is it any wonder that people feel tired and depressed? I really shouldn’t blog today, as that is what I feel, and considering my low amount of entries these days, it’s kind of sad if I write a negative one when my life in general is positive and I feel good most of the time. However, today I feel low. I can’t really put my finger on it, but the feeling hit me some time last night, and now it won’t let go. I just feel small and insignificant … and I am so tired. I hardly slept at all tonight, and when I did, I slept badly. I had a hard time falling asleep, as those dark feelings had taken a hold of me, and when I finally did, I dreamt that I was moving into a small, damp, lonely and cramped space that looked a lot like the room where I park my bike at home. A small, concrete room … and I had to try to squeeze some things in there … and I felt so utterly lonely. So I woke with that feeling, and my back was aching so much and I felt so uncomfortable both in flesh and mind that I couldn’t get back to sleep … Argh! I hate nights like this. They don’t come often anymore, though … thanks to my sweetheart. Him putting his arms around me in the morning, holding me tight and telling me that he wanted me to stay there with him instead of going to work made me feel a bit better, but … I still feel … I don’t know. Small.
There is a commercial whose jingle everyone sings around here, especially on Fridays … it talks about making Fridays cosy (“fredagsmys”) … but, seriously, why should we just be cosy and snuggle and enjoy ourselves on Fridays? A. and I decided against that, and have been talking about “onsdagsmys”, “torsdagsmys” etc. I suppose that noone will be surprised if I say that we belive in cuddling and trying to make the evening cosy every day, and not just on Fridays?! 
In general I think that people focus too much on the weekends. I mean, it’s nice to have two full days off, not having to get up early and all that … but it’s sad when people seem to live only for the weekends, making the other five days not really count … like they are insignificant and just a piece of road that you need to travel to get to your goal, while every day should be a goal in itself, right? It’s sad if we only two out of seven days a week, right? That would, after all, mean that we spend 71,5 % of our lives longing for the other 28,5%. Hm. This said, the commercial is for snacks, such as crisps … so you’re not supposed to be healthy while cuddling 
Me, I certainly prefer a nice dinner and then a cup of tea with cookies. What about you?
(And the Opera editing tools still don't work for me - what is up with this site?
)
Monday, 9. November 2009, 19:06:02
movies, love, opera, A
...
I’ve grown tired of trying to be useful now … it's to no use anyway. I tried to do some tidying, and the result was pretty much the usual one, which means that there is next to no difference at all. I tried to cook dinner, but it didn't turn out very tasty at all … and having to eat it alone did not make it better. Eating alone sucks … especially when the food is no good. But A. is visiting his parents tonight, so I had no choice but to eat alone. To not eat at 
all isn't exactly an option. I just hope that he doesn't come home too late, as I really miss his arms around me, and also it's nice to see a bit of him before going to bed, if you know what I mean? It's nice to do a bit more than just sleep together, even if that is nice enough.
He met my parents for the first time yesterday And I suppose that it went well … I never really thought that it wouldn't. It's not like my parents would have any reason to dislike him … and my parents are rather easy-going, so … But still, it's not like my parents have ever been in this situation before, so who could tell? Hihi. Like my sister said, I don't think there was any matter of them checking him out to see if he's okay … I think they figured that out already … if not by the fact that I am crazy about him, so by the fact that my sister approves of him And mom had cooked a delicious dinner, as always!
The whole weekend was very grey weatherwise, and we were rather lazy. Watched movies, snuggled, went to a birthday party for his niece (she turned seven), went for coffee and a short walk in the botanic garden … and not much more than that. As for the movie watching, on Friday night A. did most of it on his own (he watched “Poseidon”) as I fell asleep on the couch. I was very tired after a busy day at work and an early morning, and having a glass of wine at dinner didn't help They also showed “True lies” on TV, a movie that I enjoy a lot, but I was really too tired to stay up to watch it. We did watch a couple of movies that I actually saw too, “Rallybrudar” and “The mummy: The tomb of the dragon emperor” … It was perfect weather of that kind of activity … the sky was so grey and it never really grew light even during the day. Depressing really … true November weather … I hate this month! It's the worst of the year, I think. It's a good thing that I have someone who brightens it up for me.
My sister found the coolest t-shirt on Sweden Rock Shop today … another Cookie monster one. Unfortunately they only have it in men's sizes - so unfair! There was also a really, really cool one with the A-team, that I would've wanted to have … but I am way too small to be able to buy anything that is not sold in girl sizes. This said, I wonder what on Earth I should get A. for Christmas … and he's already been bugging me for a while about what I want … but I really don't know! I really wouldn't lie if I said that all I really want for Christmas is him … I don't really need anything else It might sound cheesy, but … it's true.
I'm listening to beautiful love songs here, so who can really blame me if I go all cheesy? (Even though I really don't the fact that we end up calling anything that is cute or romantic or something like that “cheesy”, it's kind of sad, no?) … “I am complete now that I found you” I hear Savage Garden singing … that is how I feel. And A. often tells me that I complete him, so … It's such a lovely feeling. I am so lucky to have found this beautiful, lovely guy to share my life!
PS. Would anyone care to tell me why the My Opera editing tools won't work anymore when I use Internet Explorer? I've never had any problems with it before, but now nothing happens when I click the buttons Is this a trick to force me to use Opera? Firefox worked a bit better than IE the other day when I tried it, but ... not perfectly either, as the codes kept ending up at the end of the entry, no matter where I wanted to place them ... *annoyed*
Wednesday, 4. November 2009, 20:00:48
winnerbäck, love, A, time
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Ha! I just realized - when looking backwards in the blog - that today it’s five months to the day since A. and I kissed for the first time! Oh my God! That really feels a long time ago now … and I’ve grown so used to having him in my life that it’s almost scary. I am still thankful for it 
every day, though … and I think that the most amazing thing is that I actually dare believe that he feels the same way. He often tells me that I complete him … and yesterday he wrote me that I am the best thing in his life. He makes me so happy! And I love him so much!
It feels like it's dark and cold outside all of the time now, and we talk a lot about going into hibernation. Building a little nest, cuddling up close to one another and just sleep the cold, dark period away … But, of course, we can’t do that … It’s sort of depressing though, how it’s dark all the time. We’re entering the period when it’s dark when I go to work and dark when I get home, and I hate it. Sure, it’s cosy to be able to light candles and all that … but one can do that later in the evening … one does NOT want to do that at five o’clock!
This said, I like being back on standard time, even though it made the afternoons darker … My inner clock is definitely working on standard time, not Daylight Saving Time. I felt a huge difference when we changed back to standard time, really. It’s not like I jump out of bed in the morning, but I don’t feel as dead tired as I do during the DST period … not even when I get up slightly after five. I don’t really see the point of DST, and I know that I am not the only one … why can’t we just abolish it? It feels even more stupid since not all countries have it, and those who do don’t even change at the same time. Standard time all year around, that would be my wish!
I’ve been sleeping really badly the last couple of nights and someone suggested that it might be due to there being a full moon outside. I know that many people find their sleep being affected by the full moon, but I have never noticed it being this way for me … I wonder if it could have anything to do with it, or if it’s just a coincidence?! I hope that I will sleep better tonight, ‘cause one really needs sleep! It was blowing very heavily tonight too, which didn’t exactly help. As I was trying to fall back into sleep (I woke up time after time, perhaps once every hour) I kept thinking of how 
unpleasant it would be to go out this morning if there was a storm … I’ve had really weird dreams lately too … Most of the time I can’t remember them once I wake up, I just have a feeling of discomfort inside, you know?
Saturday, A. and I saw Winnerbäck in concert at Lisebergshallen and it was great! Music gets so much more three-dimensional when you hear it in concert … I don’t really know how to describe the feeling … it’s like you get to be one with the music, somehow … it overwhelms you and sort of captures you in a little capsule for a while, where it’s just you and the music and your feelings, somehow. When he performed "Jag har väntat på ett regn" my eyes actually flooded with tears … That song really, really hurts. It was a great deal of luck that I had A.’s arms around me, or I would probably have broken down totally. I don’t think that he realized that I was in pain, but that doesn’t matter … the pain is mostly old … and him being there meant so much. The songs from the “Daugava” album were definitely the ones that affected me most … “Om du lämnade mig nu” almost made me cry too … that being, I guess, since it’s a song about parting from someone that you love/have loved and I sort of imagined what it would feel like if A. left me. I don’t know if I would’ve survived that. I listened to this album a lot during a period when my soul was very much in pain, I guess that leaves its marks, eh?
Friday, 16. October 2009, 14:44:30
love, A, gifts, travelling
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There’s been a lot lately that I should’ve blogged about, but I never seem to get around to it. In most ways I guess that it’s a positive thing … that I have other things to do than sit by the computer, pouring my heart out over the internet, but … I also know myself, and that I will regret later on all the things 
that I did not put down on paper. I regret that already about the first dates with A. for example … the fact that I only mentioned our first date as “went out for coffee with the HP guy” or something similar … Knowing how it turned out, of course I wish that I had written down my first impression of him and all that … not to mention all the little things and all the feelings since that day! It’s kind of sad that the happy moments will be sort of forgotten, while the sad moments of my life will forever be remembered as they are saved in a million words in my blogs and diaries …
Wednesday it was five months since that first time A. and I met at Le Pain Français, and I don’t think that I have to tell you that I am very, very happy that it did not end with just that one time and that I now have a place in his heart, as well as he has in mine. I don’t think he was aware of the date exactly, but I am pretty sure that it made him very happy when I left him a cute little plant with heart decorations and some heart shaped chocolates and a sweet card on the table that morning. Along with all the other things I am happy about, I am glad that I’ve found a guy who actually appreciates this kind of thing, and also makes the same kind of gestures without being forced by it being Valentine’s day or something of the kind … Know what I mean? We still leave each other loving notes every day, and it makes me smile and warm at heart every time I get home from work and get to read his sweet words.
And yesterday morning he had left the sweetest little gift on the table for me (he had gotten home very late on Wednesday night, after I had fallen asleep) - a heart-shaped silver locket with one picture of him and one picture of the two of us together inside. I think it must be the loveliest gift I have ever received! But the greatest gift is, of course, the fact that he is in my life, that I get to fall asleep and wake up beside him … and all the hugs and kisses … and his heart. I dare believe that it’s mine. At least he tells me so Did I ever mention that I love this guy to bits?
And our trip to Paris was so lovely! I should really try to write an entry about that one of these days. I wish we could go back. Now. Those were definitely some of the best days of my life! But life has its ups and downs and sometimes not even the love of a wonderful creature like A. can keep a girl like me on the right track … Last week I had some days where I felt so broken inside that I could hardly keep from crying … it felt like I was going to explode from a pain deep, deep inside that I could not define, but that hurt so badly that my eyes were constantly on the verge of flooding and there was a knot so hard in my throat that I could hardly breathe … The feelings that I get when I feel like that aren’t pretty, so I really don’t want to talk about them now … mostly because I am afraid of them resurfacing. I have, however, been okay since sometime Monday night. Don’t ask me why … but I do believe that parts of the reason why I was feeling so extremely broken was that it was very stressful at work combined with the fact that A. worked so much I hardly saw him at all, except for bed-time. Not to mention the fact that one evening he scared the heart out of me by saying he’d work overtime but probably not too late, only to come home around ten pm, not having sent any messages or anything. I was so afraid that something had happened to him that I broke down and cried, calling my sister, asking her hysterically “what do I do if he does not come home?” and stuff like that … Let’s just say that I broke down again when he did come home, and I cried hysterically in his arms for quite a long time. I think that next time he’ll tell me when he does not come home (IF he does not get caught up in his work and doesn’t realize that time flies, I guess *sigh*). It seemed like the idea that someone might worry about him hadn’t even crossed his mind, and he was very regretful. Oh my God, how he scared me! My heart almost beats faster even now when I think about it. I don’t know what I would do if something happened to him!
This said, I hope he comes home soon. I look forward to cooking with him, eating with him, cuddling with him all night … and I definitely look forward to not having to get up early tomorrow and leave him here in the warm, cosy bed while I bike out into the darkness and cold … It breaks my heart every morning, I tell you!
Wednesday, 7. October 2009, 04:29:44
sports, A, pain
Sports are dangerous, that’s what I’ve always said! A. took me to a hockey game yesterday. It was the first time ever that I saw hockey live, and it was an interesting experience … both the players and the rink looked a lot smaller than they do on TV somehow … but a rather painful one too. A. looked very amused when I said I would hide if the puck got anywhere near where we sat, as he claimed that 
was not going to happen … but only a couple of minutes after the game started I suddenly feel something hitting my left knee really hard, and guess what it was? Yes! The puck! I suppose I should just be glad that it did not hit my head … As it was, I wasn’t badly injured or anything, but it hurt a lot, I tell you. I was handed an ice-bag to put on my knee by some friendly man, who kept telling me I would be alright and that it would be a good story to tell my grandchildren, or something like that. And I got to keep the puck, which according to A. was a big deal, as the official game pucks aren’t supposed to leave the arena and are usually taken back by the staff if they end up outside the rink … but since I am not really a major hockey freak, I didn’t exactly care about that. I was just scared and in pain and wanted to hide in A.’s arms for a while … He was very sweet, of course, holding me, kissing me, asking me if I wanted to leave etc. So, my first hockey experience wasn’t exactly a positive one. Especially since we’d been stressing A LOT to get there on time too … I think that sometimes my sweetheart is just a bit too optimistic when it comes to time! The game was Frölunda vs Luleå, and we were supporting Frölunda, of course (they’re from GBG), even though I can’t really say that I personally was THAT passionate. I never really cared much for national hockey, but I guess it can be interesting if you do put your heart into it However, to the great disappointment of my sweetie, Luleå won 6 to 2. A. promised me that next time we’ll get seats behind the safety net That seems to be a good idea … This said, my knee isn’t even black and blue today, so I can’t show it off to anyone, telling my painful story. It’s just a little bit red and swollen … but it does hurt, though. I’m sure that if it had been my sister, she’d have a gigantic bruise to show … I suppose that I must invite a lot of hockey fans to my home now, to show off my trophy puck then Like I said, apparently having one of those is a big deal! *shrugs*
(Written on Tuesday 091006 - is there no way to backdate entries on My Opera?)
Thursday, 24. September 2009, 17:44:14
movies, fatigue, tv, packing
...
I’m so tired! And it feels like I am coming down with a cold! That can’t be … I must find my way out of it somehow (I’ve been suggested vitamins, whiskey with honey, vodka and God knows what) ‘cause I really can’t get sick right now! And I am already so sick of the darkness that comes with this time of year … it’s pitch black when I go to work in the mornings now (I start work at 6:30 this week) and it is so depressing. Especially when it’s wet and windy like this morning. Right now I feel that all that keeps me up is the thought of vacation … Both A. and I seem to focus on that a lot right now … This morning I told him “one week from now we will wake up in Paris”, which made him smile … and he said that will be his birthday and that he wants a muffin with a candle in the morning. I wonder if I can fix that. I will do my best He did NOT want 30 candles though
This said, I asked my colleague if it would be okay for me to come in a bit later tomorrow, and she said yes. Yay! I did not feel tempted by the idea of getting up around five, then work all day and do conference stuff/party all evening. I haven’t decided yet how much time I will take off tomorrow, but my colleague said it would be okay either way. Maybe I will sleep long enough for A. to get up, so he could drive me to work? He asked me if I wanted him to do that yesterday, but did not look so tempted when I said I still meant to be at work at 7:30 … but perhaps if I go a bit later It doesn’t make that much difference at work, I think, and I really feel in need of some sleep and a good snuggle. The idea of sleeping without my sweetie for two nights now is a bit scary! Like I’ve said before – it’s uncanny how fast one can grow accustomed and addicted to something/someone.
Speaking of addictions … yesterday I watched an episode of “Buffy the vampire slayer”. I think it must have been about four months since I last watched her. I guess that addiction was just a reaction to not having any more interesting addiction (read “crush”)in my life … Can’t say I felt as into it all now, but it was still entertaining. Otherwise, yesterday was the first day of the new semester at French, and I’d say it went well … The new teacher (Martine) seems nice, the people more motivated than my last group and … I don’t think I’ll fail entirely when it comes to catching up. We were a mix of people who were new to this particular group and who’d been there for a while, so it was okay. I was not the only new one! And I like the fact that these people seemed a bit more ambitious than some of the people in my own group who after two semesters still couldn’t recall the present tense forms of être and avoir. For practice I watched a French film the other night, as I was waiting for A. to come home from his parents’ place. I wonder why all French films seem to be depressing … This was a thriller called “Le serpent” and I’d say it was rather good, but … like I said, sort of depressing. Everything just turned from bad to worse all the time. The ending did have a touch of Hollywood though. Can’t say I caught much of the spoken French though … they speak so fast and bind the words together so much that it’s almost impossible to recognize even a single word. I wonder if I will ever be able to understand spoken French *sigh*
*
I've packed my bag now. At least I hope that I've packed what I need. It's so hard! And I want to bring a small bag, so it's hard to fit everything ... especially shoes. A. says he plans to travel only with cabin luggage when we go to Paris ... I don't think that I can do that. After all, one can't bring all the necessities in the make-up kit in your handbag anymore, due to the safety regulations ... I've really stressed at lot since I got home, making dinner (roast beef and a kind of potato salad - it turned out yummy!), taking a bath, trying to figure out what to pack etc. Now I just want to collapse in the sofa with my sweetheart and cuddle ... So I think that I will go for that!
Sunday, 20. September 2009, 12:40:47
movies, A, feelings, french
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I’ve been trying to study some French, as I still have a bit left to catch up before starting with the new group on Wednesday … but my head is sort of tired, and I don’t know if anything really sticks. I think I will do okay, though. I have just read a text about taking the metro in Paris … I wonder if A. and I will dare to do that when we’re there. If I understand things correctly, that’s the best way to get around … but metros sort of scare me. Whenever one sees them on TV and in movies, they always seem over-crowded and if there is something I don’t like, then it’s getting stuck in a crowd … especially in a cramped space like that. We don’t have a metro in GBG, so I am not used to it … Somehow I feel more comfortable with transportation over ground
I’m listening to the new Lars Winnerbäck album, that I got today. It’s hard to say yet what I think of it, but it’s not bad, at least. On the first listening there was no song that stuck with me particularly, but that might happen still, I guess. I will try to listen to it as much as possible before the concert, as it’s likely he will play a lot of songs from it, and it’s always nice to know the songs well when in concert.
Well, my head might be tired today, but it’s a lot better than yesterday. I don’t know what was the matter, but I pretty much felt like I had been out partying all night. I was wasted all day. The fact that I fell asleep on the sofa after we’d had breakfast and watched an episode of “MacGyver” didn’t exactly help, of course … I felt a bit sorry for A., cause I suspect that I was not the most interesting company yesterday … but I think he did alright. We went to the movies and saw “Flickan som lekte med elden” (The girl who played with fire - the second movie based on the “Millennium” books by Stieg Larsson) and I’d say that it was rather good. I haven’t read the book, so I can’t compare which one is better And I’d say we were rather stressed out on our way to the movies, as we got stuck in traffic on the way into town and then, when we had finally parked and managed to get something to eat at McDonald’s, we realized that we were by the wrong cinema. We were by Bergakungen but our tickets were for Biopalatset … but well, we actually only missed the first minute or so of the movie, which is quite impressive. I don’t even think that A. broke any traffic regulations on the way
Anyway, the dinner with his parents the other night went just fine. Of course, I had nothing to worry about, and I felt rather silly afterwards for all my fears. Well, I don’t know what they thought of me, of course, but I have no real reason to feel worried. I don’t think that I made a fool of myself, and I might not had been very talkative, but I wasn’t all quiet either. In truth, A. talks so much that awkward silences aren’t very likely to happen in his company We had a lovely dinner at Il Gambero and I hope that they thought that I was okay. At least I thought that they were both very sweet … I didn’t, of course, but I felt very tempted to thank them heartly for the fact that A. exists. I’m so glad that he does, and I am so glad that he’s part of my life … and happy that he seems as happy to have me in his life. And I am so much looking forward to our trip to Paris!!! I really can’t believe that I am going to Paris with the cutest guy ever! It must be a dream!
Thursday, 17. September 2009, 12:54:45
autumn, happiness, A, feelings
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This morning when I biked to work the air was really, really cold and even though the weather was a bit grey, the world was still beautiful in the way it can only be in autumn. The dark green hills on the other side of the river were almost entirely covered in mist, showing only a tiny stretch of tree tops, and the sky was a mystical mix of grey and cream with a hint of yellow … it looked really gorgeous and I would’ve wanted to take a picture, but there are a lot of ugly buildings getting in the way of the view so … no pictures. Not that I really had the time to stop for photographs either. Getting away from home in the morning isn’t easy … especially not with someone telling you how cold it is outside and how warm it is under the covers *smile*
A. made me very, very happy yesterday by calling me his “feel good Piglet”. I like the idea of being the person who makes him feel good, even after a very long, tiresome day at work. I’ve already told you over and over that he makes me happy, and I am just so glad to hear that I have a positive effect on him too. I just love to be the one to make him smile. Especially since his smile is so very beautiful, and makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. I did not get to see him that much yesterday, as he worked until late, but … he still managed to make my day. Him coming home and collapsing on my bed, saying – when I lied down beside him – that it was the best moment of the day … well, it just melted my heart entirely.
My head feels heavy and my throat aches a bit … it’s been like this most of the week, and I hate it. I really hope that it won’t break out into a real cold, ‘cause I really don’t have time to be sick! We’re going away on our yearly conference with work next weekend (this year I WON’T stay up as late as last year, and I am sure that I will miss my sweetheart a LOT), and also A.’s friend P. is visiting town that weekend and I look forward to meeting her at least in Sunday afternoon … and then Wednesday after that we will leave for Paris! No way I can get sick now! This said, two of my colleagues are sick right now … which is quite a lot considering we’re only ten people altogether at the office. Well, as long as it’s not the swine flu
I’m still a bit nervous about meeting with his parents tonight, but … hopefully I won’t have a swarm of flesh eating butterflies in my stomach! I warned A. that I might be standing in my wardrobe looking like a question mark when he comes to pick me up. Still have no idea what to wear, really. So many clothes, still no idea what to wear! Like THAT is what matters most anyway
Wednesday, 16. September 2009, 19:26:29
self-esteem, A, feelings, shopping
It’s really about time that I update my blog again! I don’t understand why I never get around to it, ‘cause I think about it pretty much every day. But I guess that living life is better than writing 
about it in the end. Even though I admit to living life right now sometimes means watching shows I wouldn’t normally watch on TV (or lots of episodes of “MacGyver”) just for the chance of cuddling with A. He’s a lot more into watching TV than I am, finally. Me, I pretty much never put the telly on without the intent of watching something in particular, while he obviously likes to browse around (and complain about there being nothing good on *lol*) But it’s hard to stay away from the sofa when he’s there, I can’t deny that. He’s irresistible And I am so happy that he spends most of his free time here, with me, even though he sometimes complains that his own apartment must miss him, considering that he’s never there. And I can’t stress enough just how happy I am that he’s in my life! It’s been four months already since we first met (two days ago)… time passes fast! An entire summer has gone by since I first laid my eyes on him. And in two weeks we will be on our way to Paris! That’s just unbelievable. I think I must pinch myself now …
Am pretty nervous right now though, as tomorrow I’m going to meet his parents for the first time. He’s invited them out for dinner, and he asked me to come too. My colleague told me not to worry, as it’s not likely that a person like me would end up saying something stupid and making a fool of myself (she herself has a tendency to speak first and think after) … Err, no, that’s not what I worry about. I worry about being too quiet, hence appearing to be stupid or boring or whatever. And I worry about them thinking that I am not good enough for their wonderful son. I know that I should NOT feel that way. It’s mean to them even, as I am sure they are nice people who would not think things like that … but it’s hard not to fear that, since sometimeS I don’t feel like I am good enough myself, you know? Anyway, I hope that it will work itself out fine and that I will not make a fool of myself. Hopefully they’re just as easy-going as A is, and then it shouldn’t be that much of a problem, nervous or not. Hm, I wonder what I should wear …
I’ve read a bit in this book about working on one’s self esteem, “Självkänsla nu!” by Mia Törnblom, and I must say that some of it hurts to read. A lot of what she writes makes a lot of sense, even though I’ve always had a hard time applying this type of methods on myself. I mean, I might nod to myself when reading that one should write down positive things about oneself each day, or look oneself in the mirror saying “you’re pretty” or “you’re good just as you are” or whatever … but I can’t really see myself doing it, or believe that it would actually work for ME, you know? But when she writes stuff like how we’re sometimes afraid of being busted as fakes or how we, when we underestimate our own importance sometimes don’t realize that our thoughts or actions might hurt people who actually care about us, then that hurts. It’s too much to the point … too close to the things that I’ve been feeling, if you know what I mean? It’s eerie when someone puts words to one’s fears and feelings like that. I almost started crying when I read some of those things …
I had plans to do all sorts of useful things when I got home today, but I’ve done nothing. I went into town after work … got my watch fixed (for some reason the wrist band had gotten detached), walked through Haga into town, got a cute little box and some tea at Iems, and a really cute sewing box at Balders Hage, and a bag at Intersport … but that’s it. Nothing much. I wanted so buy so much at Balders Hage though … they have so many cute things! Makes one wish for a big, country side kitchen, as that’s where a lot of the stuff would fit perfectly… Speaking of shopping, I’ve got a list of things that I meant to order from Panduro but still didn’t … should get around to that soon, especially since I’m supposed to order some things for Sofus as well. Or perhaps I should first figure out how to keep some sort of order with the stuff that I already have?
Tuesday, 8. September 2009, 13:17:37
A, mornings, french, chores
Today I am oddly non-tired. A weird feeling, I tell you! I didn’t even sleep that well tonight, at least I don’t think so. I am not sure … I mean, I know that I slept ‘cause I remember dreaming (something about a train), but when I woke up I felt like I had not been sleeping well, if you know what I mean? Not to mention that there is a very annoying sound, like that from an alarm clock but very distant, that has been there for the last couple of mornings, driving me crazy. I am just glad that A. has heard it too, or I would be seriously worried about my ears … It’s the kind of sound that is so low that you can believe that you’re just imagining, but that still pierces your head like a needle … not very pleasant in the morning when one has just woke up! But waking up to A.’s smile and his hugs … well, that makes a morning so much brighter … Especially now that I don’t get up until 6:30 … we’re both a bit less sleepy then and actually exchange a few words as well as hugs in the morning … and that is so sweet! But gosh, I had a REALLY hard time leaving home this morning … just wanted to stay there with him! But he said he’ll come over after work, so at least I know that I will see him again soon. It’s such a great feeling to know … of course, he pretty much always does come over, but it’s a lovely thing to know all day for sure that he will!
Last night he did not show up until late and I actually managed to be quite a good girl during the evening. I had plans to do something useful, but hadn’t decided on what, but then one of the plants in the living room window decided to fall on the floor, and I had a good reason to do some serious cleaning/tidying in there … I even moved some things around a bit, which makes tidying a lot more fun. It’s not like I can make any huge changes with my furniture, but I moved a lamp and some ornaments and threw away some plants that had seen better days, and tidied the book shelf a bit … realizing that my row of books yet to be read has become very, very long … I really should do something about that before I buy any more books! But I hardly believe that’s an intention that I will keep to … buying new books is always so tempting! I also suppose that I should get rid of some books that I’ve already read and most likely will never read again. The question is what to do with them. Someone advised me to sell them on e-bay or something like that, but … does anyone really want to buy old books? It doesn’t seem worth the trouble somehow … I also watched some TV and cross-stitched a bit, trying to enjoy myself even without A.’s company. It shouldn’t be impossible now, should it? After all, I did survive to spend ALL evenings alone before … but I admit, it’s nicer when he’s around!
Today I spoke to the people at Medborgarskolan (I sent them an email and they called me back, don’t think I called them!) about French this autumn, and I am changing classes again. I felt like I’d rather go on Wednesdays like the first semester and also I wasn’t exactly pleased with the pace of the group last semester … so now I am jumping into another class, which has gotten a bit further than we did, so I have to read four chapters of the new book on my own. I’ve already pretty much learnt the first chapter and had a look at the second, so I should do alright, I hope. The alternatives were groups that had gotten even less into the first book than we did, and I really did NOT feel like that. I hope that this will work out just fine. Perhaps the extra challenge of having to catch up with work up my motivation for studying a bit? And I truly hope that the pace of this group will be a bit higher! Doing a chapter a week like we did the first semester sounds pretty reasonable to me, not doing a chapter every third week or so like we did this spring! The lessons start on September 23, so it’s just a couple of weeks away. I will miss out on the second lesson due to our trip to Paris, but I think that will be alright … after all, I will hopefully be practicing my French a bit in Paris, right?
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