It’s a new year, and a very cold year at that. I don’t remember when we last had degrees this much below zero for such a long time. Most days it’s been around -10 degrees Celsius, and we’ve had more snow. It’s real winter! Unfortunately it’s been blowing these past few days, and that makes the cold very unpleasant … But real winter is still a lot nicer than just rain and wind and grey, no? And since I have my sweetheart to cuddle up with at home I still manage to get warm once in a while
We found a really sweet thing to hang on the wall in the Papeterie shop yesterday … I guess that you could call it a little sign, and it says “I am because we are”. A. pointed it out to me when he saw it hanging on their wall and said that that’s exactly what it’s like with us, and that perhaps we should get one of those for our kitchen wall when we move … Now, isn’t that sweet? In any case, I told him that it was probably better to get it right away, as it’s hard to know if they will still have it when we finally get a new apartment, so we did. And if I wasn’t mistaken, I’d say that the girl behind the counter thought that we were sort of cute and it made her smile. That happens to me sometimes when I see couples in love who look to be very sweet with each other … it makes me feel warm inside. It’s nice to think that perhaps we induce that feeling in others … A. also told me that one of his workmates had told him that he liked to read what A. and I write to each other on Facebook, as it shows that we really care about and love each other, and it’s not just pretty words … Oh my God! I am such a lucky girl to have this wonderful man in my life! I love him so much!
… and I am so lucky that he loves me too, even though I am totally crazy. Tuesday, Sofus, JoJo, Hanna and I booked a trip to the US for the end of March … We’ll be away for 16 days, visiting places like San Francisco, San Diego, Las Vegas, Grand Canyon etc. It’s a trip that we’ve been talking about doing for quite some time and now it’s going to happen … I should be thrilled, right? But all I could think of after Sofus told me all was booked was that I was going to be away from A. for more than two weeks, and I just wanted to cry … and I did later in the evening … when he joked something about what he would do when I left him all alone, I asked him if he was going to make me pay for that for a long time, and he told me that I really shouldn’t feel bad about it, that of course I should go even though he can’t afford to come (it’s an expensive trip, to say the least) etc. and then I broke down in tears. To tell the truth I think that what made me cry the most was thinking that if it had been him leaving me alone at home for 16 days I would’ve broken down totally. Just see how I felt when he was gone for four days! He told me that I really shouldn’t feel bad now about what will happen in March, but that is so typically me *sigh* In any case … I was really scared that he’d finally figure out I was mental and distance himself from me, but he’s the best guy ever, and in some weird way he seems to understand me. Can’t say that I would have blamed him if he had found it scary that his girlfriend obviously is very, very addicted to his presence and that it’s weird that I break down when it’s I who have booked a trip to go away from him … I told him that I am a really lucky girl that he puts up with me, and he told me that he really doesn’t see it like putting up with and that he wouldn’t want me to be any different from who I am … Gah! Did I ever say that I am so lucky to have found this guy?
It's a new year and everyone seems to have made lists of what happened last year and what they hope will happen in this one and stuff like that. I guess that any other year it would be likely that I'd join in, but I really don't feel much like it, and I think that everyone knows what I would remember 2009 for, no matter if I tell it or not And in any case I won't make this entry go on and on as a) I am typing on my new keyboard and it doesn't agree with me (A. just laughs, but I promise you that it doubles some letters that I write and leave out others) and b) I want to cuddle with my sweetheart!
There is a full moon on the clear sky outside my window, and tonight my baby is coming home! No need to tell you, I guess, that I can’t wait to have him in my arms?! In fact that is pretty much all I can think of right now, and I wish I knew when he’s going to be home … just sent him an SMS to ask him if he had any idea … and now I will be waiting nervously until he replies, afraid that something has happened to him out on the snowy, icy roads. I hope they are not as bad as the pavements and walkways are here in town … every step one takes outside around here is pretty much a danger to life and limb. Since the weather was really lovely today I had to risk it though, and took a walk out in the crisp air … but it’s not like I could keep up any pace, and I had to watch my every step. It was lovely to see the sun, though.
Around a quarter to midnight last night I was woken up by the SMS signal of my phone … at first I was really confused, not understanding why the alarm went of when I hadn’t set any and why it sounded so odd … but then I realized what it was I had heard … and it was a message from A. saying that he hoped I did not feel that he was repeating himself, but he missed me and loved me a lot. Aaw! The sweetheart! No way on Earth that I would mind him telling me that. As far as I am concerned he could tell it to me every second minute and I wouldn’t mind
Don’t know what else to say … like I said before, all I can think of is having A. back home … and worrying. Been fifteen minutes and no reply … but there could be a number of reasons for that, and I try not to fret. Try, that is. He means way too much for me not to worry. Gosh, how I need him here with me!
I wonder why TV refuses to show my favourite shows these days. I had been looking forward to sitting down on the couch to watch “Navy CIS” and had told myself firmly that today the little pink computer was forbidden, as it just makes me loose track of what’s going on in the show I am watching, and “NCIS” is way too cool for that. But … do you think that they showed “NCIS”? No! Instead there was the stupid show with Swedish Hollywood wives again. And yes, folks, I am well aware that there is war and starvation and all that in the world, and that a cancelled TV-show isn’t really a problem, but … I am still upset. I had looked forward to spending a little time in the company of Abby, Gibbs, McGee and the others, trying to forget that sweetheart isn’t here …
Speaking of which … I have a really lovely picture of him on my desk top right now (on the old computer … apparently one can’t put a desktop picture on the small one *sigh*), to at least be able to see him every once in a while (I admit to looking at his very pretty Facebook profile photo every now and then too *blush*). I am pretty sure that he wouldn’t like my choice of picture, but what he doesn’t know won’t kill him, right? It’s of him making a funny face, and it reminds me of how he always makes me smile I have a framed picture of the two of us by the bed too … I got it from him the day before Christmas as an early present … But I can’t wait until tomorrow when he’ll be here and I’ll see him live again … when I’ll be able to hug him tight, cover him in kisses and tell him how beautiful he is.
I cried myself to sleep again last night. Or … that’s not true. I went to bed, I worked some on a Japanese picture puzzle (they’re perfect for when you want to keep your mind off of everything else), I laid on my yantra mat for a while … then I tried to sleep. And then I started thinking too much, thoughts just spinning ‘round and ‘round in my head … of how he probably had a much better time without me there and how his friends were probably just happy that he did not drag his quiet and boring girlfriend along and … then I cried so hard I could not breathe, and of course I wasn’t able to fall asleep at all after that, but just laid in bed, twitching and turning and feeling miserable. God, I am truly pathetic!
In any case I managed to fall asleep in the end, and was awakened from a really weird dream by an SMS in which he told me that he missed me, that he longed to hug me and cuddle with me, and that he loved me. Gosh how I wished in that instant that I had wings so that I could have flown to him! No need to tell you that it made my morning a lot better than my night had been, right? And now I will just have to go to bed and wake up without him one more time, then he’ll be home … and hopefully it’ll be a while until I have to sleep without him again! I truly miss him so much it hurts, but let’s hope that I can keep from crying tonight … Gav said something about A. being like medicine for my soul, and that is so true. And this girl definitely don’t do too well when she goes off medication
I went shopping at Backaplan with JoJo today, and apparently that was a good choice for shopping grounds, as JoJo said the city centre looked over-crowded when she passed it on the tram, but the stores that we went to weren’t crowded at all. Not that there were anything really interesting on the sales anyway … I managed to find a dress to wear for New Year’s, though not on sale. I think my sister will be pleased with it, as it doesn’t show very much cleavage and isn’t too short All in all we spent more than four hours shopping, but still didn’t come home with much. Well, I think JoJo managed to find a little more stuff than me, like new shoes, a coat, a cover for her new I-phone etc. We also bought some wine for New Year … Neither of us know much about wine, but we hope that we didn’t do too bad After all, people won’t have to drink it if they don’t like it! And since we’re talking about things that one can drink I just have to, a bit out of the blue, recommend you to taste polka tea! I got some at Liseberg before Christmas, from the Gränna polkagris store … and I just love it!
I will try my best to write a less depressed entry today. I do feel less depressed, even though I had a short return to those feelings of yesterday when I woke up all alone in the dark this morning … I can't help but to wish that I were where he is, or that he were where I am … you know? It felt lonely to go to bed on my own yesterday – especially in our new, big bed – but I still think that waking up without him is the worst part. I have gotten used to being able to curl up beside a warm, cuddly, wonderful person who tells me he's a lucky man to have found me …
Anyway, P. made me very happy by writing that she thought that I was the best thing that ever happened to A. and that he has truly revived since he met me. It felt good to hear that, as you might guess She has, after all, known him for a long time … I truly hope that he, too, thinks that I am the best thing that ever happened to him … 'cause I definitely think that he is the best thing that ever happened to me. I've said it before, and I'll say it again – he makes me so happy! It's kind of hard to understand sometimes that one can actually be this in love and this happy!
Don't ask me where this day went, 'cause I am not sure … I've spent time online, I've been to the grocery store (it was very, very slippery outdoors, as there is a mix of snow, slush, ice and water on the streets, so even though the weather was rather nice, taking a real walk was out of the question), tidied a little bit among my craft materials, made a birthday card for C. and a cute little bookmark for A. (I put it in the book he's currently reading … hope he'll like it when he finds it ), spent some time with a Japanese picture puzzle … and I think that's about it. I feel a bit bad about all the things that I haven't done, but hey … it's vacation, right?
Hm … did I ever mention that I am crazy? A while ago he wrote me on Facebook (our beloved application HugMe) that he misses me, and it almost made me cry. The thought that ran through my head? “No way you miss me half as much as I miss you”. Why can't I believe that he does? I mean, sure it is always “harder” on the one being at home than the one being on a trip, as the latter is doing something exciting and out of the ordinary and all that, but still … It's not that I don't think that he misses me … but does he seriously wish that I was there? I think that is what I doubt somewhere deep in my heart, and that is why it hurts. And then it hurts that I feel this way, 'cause that makes me feel egoistic. I should just be glad that he's enjoying himself, right? I am. It's not like I want him to be miserable because he's not with me … of course I want him to have fun! He deserves to have the best ski vacation ever! I should just shut up … I enjoyed myself when Sofus and I were in Ireland, and I still missed him A LOT … so why can't I believe that he misses me just as much right now? I suppose that it's simply because I can't see why anyone would … miss me … The most broken part of me wants to scream “one should be glad to be rid of you”, but no, I KNOW that is NOT how he feels. The sane part of me knows that! I truly am a hopeless case! I just hope that he never realizes that …
I just wish that Wednesday night will arrive soon! I need to feel his arms around me! I need to see the smile on his beautiful lips and I need him to put a smile on mine, to make me giggle the way he always does. I don't care how cheesy it sounds … he completes me! I've spent so much time feeling broken … He puts the pieces back together. And he fills in the holes. He makes me whole.
Today I will try to blog from my new, cute, pink toy … also known as an Acer Aspire One. It is, as I said, very cute, but the keyboard is very, very small! I wonder if one can get used to typing on such a small thing? The keys are very comfortable though, apart from the fact that they are situated a bit too close together And it's cool that I can write and surf and stuff in my living room now! I haven't disposed of the old PC yet though, even though A. can't wait for me to do so … I still have a lot of stuff on it that I need to transfer to this one, and I also want to make sure that I can do all the things that I am used to doing, and open all of my files, on this one before I disconnect the other one! I am also trying out OpenOffice for the first time. So far, so good … except it annoys me that all software these days have American English as standard and I've always preferred the English spellings … I got a text message from A. and although I am glad he keeps in touch, it just made me miss him more. It makes it so obvious that he is not coming home tonight. I will have to sleep without him, wake up without him … and I will hate every second of it. Getting used to having someone around is so much easier than getting used to being alone, and I am so addicted to his lovely person that sometimes I am not sure that it's healthy … but how can I not be addicted to the one person who can always make me laugh and smile and feel safe and loved? It usually doesn't require too much time on my own until I start recalling why it is that I don't like myself very much. And yes, I know that it is pathetic … but being pathetic is, after all, something that I am very good at … not to mention thinking that I am pathetic. And I am well aware that I will cry before I've ended this entry. Perhaps that means that I shouldn't write it … but I have to. It's always been an urge of mine, after all, to put my thoughts and feelings down to “paper”. I can't help it …
I was actually quite alright with the fact that he was leaving – I think I mentioned before that he's going skiing with his friends for a few days – or at least I thought so. But it all changed this morning when we were woken up at around 5:30 by a phone call from his very loud ex (unless he knows someone who speaks exactly like her, it had to be her … it's not like he told me!) and I realized that she was part of the group of friends he's traveling with. And this is not jealousy, really. I am well aware of the fact that he is with me, and I don't seriously believe that he'd rather be with her or anything like that. It's not that. It was just the realization that whatever he'll do and whatever happens up there, she'll be there to share it with him and I will not. Hopeless, boring, coward old Piglet will be here, alone, as of course she has never learned how to ski and she probably wouldn't have fitted into the gang even if she had.
I am only human, it does hurt more that SHE is there with him, than that the rest of his friends are … I don't think anyone will blame me for THAT part of the story … no one likes exes, right? No one can keep from wondering whether or not the loved one compares you to them, and if he/she sometimes find that the other person was better. After all, they've loved that person at some point … But again I want to stress the point that I KNOW that A. loves me. It's a weird thing for me to say, as I don't have an easy time thinking that I am worth much at all, but it's true. I know that he does. I know that I mean a lot to him. But still. It hurts. And in the end, of course, it all comes down to the fact that I don't. I don't love myself. At moments like this I despise myself so much that it truly hurts. I wonder if anything can hurt as much as self-despise? In any case, I did my best to keep a straight face until he left, and it did not seem that he realized that something was wrong … or perhaps he did, but just thought that hopeless Piglet was way sad about the mere fact that he was leaving her alone … what do I know? But in truth I think he thought everything was alright, and I kept my crying until after he had left. I do not, after all, want to spoil his vacation. He definitely deserves time off and entertainment and should not have it spoilt by the fact that his girlfriend is a emotional wreck. I kept my crying to after he had closed hugged and kissed me goodbye and closed the door, and then I cried myself to sleep … thinking about what a worthless little creep I am. Not the best way to start a day, you'd agree.
Can't say I've made much good of the rest of the day either … I was set on doing something useful, but that never ends well when it comes to me. I've probably spent more time on the computer than doing other stuff … but I did tidy the wardrobe. It has left quite a mess in the rest of the apartment though, I am afraid. Not a big surprise really, but annoying all the same. I really, really wish that I was a tidy person! The apartment doesn't look too well at the moment, it's full of dust bunnies and all sorts of things spread all over. But where does one find the inspiration and energy to do something about it? Last week when I mentioned the fact that the apartment was beginning to look filthy, A. said that “well, we could clean it between Xmas and New Year” … and I was like, “yeah, you'd like that, huh, as I am the only one home at that time” … he did look a bit sheepish, smiled and said we'd do it together when he was back, but I wonder …
In any case, the weather didn't exactly call for a day outdoors. The temperature was somewhere around zero, there was an icy rain and all morning it was so foggy that I hardly saw anything outside the windows … Not to mention the fact that a combination of snow, slush and ice makes the streets rather dangerous … I am glad that I am off tomorrow so that I don't have to drag myself to work somehow … even though I would definitely have preferred to spend my days off with my sweetheart … *sigh of abandonment* But I can't complain now, can I? It's hardly his fault that I can't ski? If my sister read this load of bullshit (which she won't) she'd just tell me that it's healthy to long sometimes and that I should be able to be on my own for a few days. And I guess that I should. And in a way, of course, I will. It's not like I will crumble and die. It's just that … I love him so much, and I miss him whenever he's not here. I remember once when my friend's brother said he'd ended a relationship because he did not like the person he became with that particular girl … it's the same, but the opposite, with A. for me. I like the person I am when I am with him. She's so much better than the pathetic, panting, anguished, crying, stupid girl I am when I am alone. He makes me happy … think I've told you before.
It might sound cliche, but the best gift I got this Christmas really was waking up beside him on Christmas Eve morning! There isn't anything in the world that beats being in his embrace! We spent Christmas apart though … he had his parents over on Christmas Eve and visited them on Christmas Day, while I was at my parents' place. We had a nice and quiet celebration, just like we want it. We had some traditional food, visited a neighbour, took a long walk, played cards (not my favourite past time, I admit), and just hung out … And I got some really great gifts too … but again, there is no greater gift to me than the fact that I wake up beside A. almost every morning … and that I have a lovely family to spend the holiday with, of course. Most of the time I am one lucky bastard … even though I might be too stupid to fully enjoy it instead of wallowing in self-pity and self-hatred.
This said, I admit it … I long for the second that my sweetheart is back in my arms. I know where I belong, and it is in his embrace.
We’re finally getting snow here in Göteborg today! It seems like it started snowing around midnight, but I did not know about it until I got up this morning. I was tired, and I did not want to get out of bed, but would much rather have stayed in and cuddled with A. but when I saw the white blanket outside, it felt a bit less painful to have to go out Not that I had much time to enjoy the snow, as I had to catch the bus for work (my bike has a flat tyre) … but the world is so much lighter as soon as there is a bit of snow … and the snowflakes falling from the sky feel cozy, somehow. It has been really cold lately, especially Wednesday and Thursday when there was a heavy wind adding to the chill, with temperatures around -8. That might not sound much, but in the damp Göteborg climate, it gets really, really cold. I don’t mind that much, though, as long as I am prepared for it, as it is a lot nicer with cold, clear weather than with rain and greyness!
After last week’s rather busy and booked weekend, we had a more relaxed one now, and it felt great. We had a visit to my aunt’s place on Saturday and a Christmas concert at Allhelgonakyrkan booked, but that did not feel too heavy and we had most of the weekend to just relax and cuddle. Lovely! I just love spending time with my honey so much! Well, perhaps we did not relax that much on Friday evening though, as our (!) new bed arrived from IKEA and we had to put it together. It took a while, and my fingers ached from all the screws and things afterwards … but hopefully now my back will ache less from sleeping, and also it’s a bit bigger than my old bed, so we have a bit more room if, by chance, we don’t want to sleep all cuddled up And I suppose that putting a piece of furniture together without fighting is a good sign? It was a great deal of luck though that a friendly neighbour came by and helped A. to carry the package with the actual bed up the stairs, ‘cause it weighed 41 kilos or something and I doubt it would have gone very well if I would have had to carry it … I was dead enough after just carrying it with A. from the delivery truck to the entrance of the stair case. This little girl sure hasn’t got a lot of muscle power … Anyway, it felt a bit special that we had bought the first piece of furniture that was not mine nor his, but ours Still no luck finding a new place to live, though, but that’s hardly a surprise.
To change subject completely, I read in Metro today that over 4 000 000 children starve to death in the world each year. That equals about one child every sixth second dying due to starvation … That’s a number too big to grasp, one just can’t understand it! And last week the same paper had an article about the amount of food we throw away in Sweden each year, which is an average of 100 kilos per person (one fourth of what we buy, more or less) and according to the experts 57% of that food is still edible but we throw it away just the same. Each of these things are terrible on their own, but put side by side they’re really horrific, don’t you think? We sure are way too spoilt here in the rich world *sigh* and when it comes to a lot of things we are also really stupid. The article I read stated that the impact of the environment made by the food that we just throw away is calculated to be the same as that of 700 000 middle class cars … so that’s horrible too. In general I think that the rich world consumers should think more about what we eat and buy and all that. We’ve been discussing this a bit lately, and as A. says, for example perhaps we should try to eat more like they did in the old times, like having vegetables that are in season and not demand to have vegetables like tomatoes and similar things all year around. Maybe the discussion shouldn’t be so much about whether we should buy ecological or organically grown tomatoes or not, but whether we should buy tomatoes in December at all? But, like I said, we are spoilt. I want my tomatoes too It is also easy to say that what we as individuals do doesn’t count much in comparison to the impact on the environment that countries like the US or China or Russia have, or that it doesn’t matter what we do as long as people drive cars, or fly between cities for meetings that they could hold online or whatever … but in the end, everyone should still try to do what they can, right? Even if we can’t do everything, we can still do a little, and I am sure that it does make a difference in the end. And consumers have a lot more power than we generally give ourselves credit for. If joined together, we can make a change. I read an interesting article a while ago where they, among other things, mentioned that Sweden is the only (I think) country in Europe where toothpaste isn’t sold with an additional paper carton, but just in its actual container, and this was achieved by consumer protests many years back. I really think that media, and also those fighting for the environment, should try to bring forward this kind of thing more … so that people are told that they can make a difference, instead of being fed day after day with catastrophic news and numbers so big that it feels hopeless. Is it really a wonder that people feel discouraged and think that it doesn’t matter what they do the way things are now?
I am not perfect. I like to take a hot bath instead of a shower, I like to have extra lamps on in my home and I have my computer on from when I come home until I go to sleep most days. I throw away left-over food every now and then (but only when it has gotten bad, like green with mold ) and I go on vacation by airplane … but I try to do what I can … I sort my trash into the various recycling bins (paper, cartons, glass, plastic, metals), I put my organic waste in the compost bin, I try to bring a fabric bag to the store when I go shopping, I never leave my TV on stand-by (partly because I am scared that it will start to burn), and I try to buy ecological groceries at least once in a while (I admit that I don’t do it when it costs double the price of the ordinary stuff, I am no saint!) … I am no hero, but I refuse to stop tending to the little things because there are bigger sources of problem.
We’ve gotten a tiny bit of snow here today! It’s definitely not much, but it’s there … and the world looks a bit prettier right away. But I admit to being tired of darkness now. I spend all of the daylight time at work, and some days it doesn’t get light at all … yesterday was such a day. There didn’t seem to be real daylight outside even when we had lunch. It’s depressing, really. But then again, today might be one of those days when I shouldn’t write my blog, ‘cause I feel gloomy and then I tend to sound like life is the worst thing ever, no? But I have to write today, as my blog has got a cute new header that A made for me. I might add that I had quite a lot of trouble getting it to appear on the site, but now it’s there! And I guess that I shouldn’t have been surprised that I had trouble adding it, considering how much head ache MyOpera has given me lately …
Today I read about some kind of poll that had been made in Britain … I don’t know the actual purpose of it, but I think that it was made by a shoe company of some kind, so perhaps it was not to be trusted … To be honest I wish that it’s not showing the truth, as it stated that out of the thousand women asked only 63% remembered the name of the first guy they kissed, while 92% remembered the first pair of shoes they bought. Doesn’t that sound absurd? I have no recollection whatsoever of the first pair of shoes I bought … but I most certainly remember the name of the first guy I kissed. And the fact that I didn’t like it much It felt rather weird. But I like it now, no worries! I also have a very clear recollection of when one of my former penpals wrote me about her first kiss and she said “did you know that lips taste like salty?” In any case, I refuse to believe that shoes leave deeper impressions in women than relationships!
This said, my sweetie wrote earlier that he was thinking about how to find me a Christmas present that would show me just how much he loves me. That’s just too sweet! Even though there is no way a present would mean more than the fact that he wants to be with me! And I told him as much. Anyway, I’d like to write more but there is work to do and tonight I will go to the Christmas market at Liseberg with my sweet sister … See you!
Phew! Next year I will definitely have to start the Christmas card making and writing earlier … I’ve done some cards today, and written most of them … and I feel wasted. They have to be mailed on Wednesday (well, the ones going abroad should probably already have been sent …) and I have some that I will write tomorrow as I either want A. to sign them as well or I need to write a little more than just a greeting. Making one’s own cards sure takes a lot of time, and I admit to cutting several people out of the original list of recipients … No hard feelings, I hope. After all, most people don’t even send Christmas cards these days …
Today it’s SEVEN months since A. and I first met! But he’s at a Christmas party with work, so it’s not like we celebrate. I doubt he’s even aware of it … he hasn’t seemed to keep track of the date before. I suppose that it’s a typical girl thing … and I am not usually very good at remembering this kind of thing either, but the date when I met A. has stuck in my mind for some reason … perhaps because even though I didn’t know it back then, it proved very important. A. on the other hand said yesterday that he remembered what I was wearing the first time he visited me at home (a blue dress) and he’s already stated before that he remembers what I wore when we first met. So he has his own mind for details … and obviously my clothing is important to him I remember what I was wearing too, but not what he was wearing. Haha! The only time I have true recollection of what he was wearing what that time when I met up with him and Karin in town (God, I was nervous then, as my readers might remember …) Maybe I shouldn’t admit it, but that’s the first time I remember thinking that he was good-looking (he looked so handsome in his black shirt, black tie and black vest!) … Now I can’t think of anyone being more beautiful than my sweetheart but it was not his looks I fell for first … it was his charm and the way he makes me laugh and feel happy inside He IS beautiful though … the most beautiful there is!
The past weekend was a really busy one … a bit too booked up for my taste, but that’s what happens this time of year, no? We had a Christmas party with work Friday night. We had a lot of food & candies (my stomach ached when I got home) at Långedrags värdshus, which was a very pretty place even though it was hard to find and a bit far away for my taste. It took me over an hour to get there with public transportation … Fortunately my sweetheart came to pick me up when I wanted to go home, so I did not have to spend another hour+ on trams and busses! And it was so nice to come home and cuddle up in the sofa with him … I fell asleep pretty soon, of course, but still … it’s so lovely to be close to him! (This said, one of his shirts are hanging on the back of the chair I am sitting at, and every now and then the scent of his perfume reaches my nostrils … makes me long for him even more than I already do!)
Saturday we visited A.’s parents as his mother celebrated her birthday … and once again we were stuffed with food and pastries and stuff. There was A LOT of sitting still and eating too much this weekend … as on Sunday we baked gingerbread cookies + had dinner and cake at my parents’ place. If we continue like this I will not only not fit into my trousers anymore, but I will start looking like a basket ball or something I really don’t like having every day on a weekend booked up like that … it makes me feel stressed. It’s nice to have some free time, too. But we did have time to take long breakfasts and cuddle on the sofa, at least What would life be without cuddling, huh? Empty … I know, only too well!
I actually meant to try to write every day, as you might have realized from all the entries at the start of the month. But that intention failed, of course. I don’t know where time has gone, but I guess I’ve just been up to other things On Saturday me, Sofus, JoJo and Lisa had a seven hour Christmas card making marathon (I might add that neither of us managed to do all of this year’s Xmas cards) and then I just watched TV and cuddled with A. Monday night A. and I had a small meal at Le Pain Français (it always feels a bit special to be there, as that’s where we had our first date) and then we went to the movies to see the latest and last Stieg Larsson/Millennium movie, “Luftslottet som sprängdes” (The girl who kicked the hornet’s nest). It was totally okay, but I’d say that the first two movies were better. This one felt a bit long, somehow. And then yesterday I went with K. to the stable and we took a walk with her horse (he’s recovering from an injury) … it was very, very cold and dark outside, and when I got home I felt chilled to the bone and did not warm up until I’d taken a hot shower, gotten a hot meal that A. cooked for me, and cuddled a bit. But it was still healthy for me to get out of the house and get both some fresh air and some exercise, I am sure. By the time we had eaten and done the dishes etc. it was already time to cuddle up in the sofa to watch “NCIS” so the evening passed rather quickly. These days they show “NCIS LA” directly after the other one, but I don’t think I’ve seen more than one full episode … I always fall asleep. I did so yesterday as well, and woke up finding A. watching one of the Gordon Ramsay shows.
A. and I have started to look for a new place to live. I don’t think that I have to tell you that it feels huge to even consider such a thing, but it feels good too And considering the fact that it’s not easy to find apartments in this city, it’s not likely that we’ll move right away anyway … I’ll have some time to get used to the idea. It’s not like it should really be such a big deal, after all we are pretty much already living together A. is very, very excited and already planning what furniture to bring along and stuff like that. I hope he doesn’t think that I am not excited about the idea of moving in with him … it’s just that I don’t think I’ll grasp it until it’s really happening, you know? When we actually have an apartment waiting for us … THEN I might get into planning mode. I do admit to it feeling very good to know that I won’t have to make all the decisions on my own this time … I had a tough time when I moved into my current apartment as I really suffer from anxiety when it comes to making decisions! We did apply for an apartment that is located exactly where I’d like to live, but I suppose that the odds for getting it is astronomical *dreams away a bit* Hm, in any case, like I said … this feels huge, even if it isn’t even really happening yet.
I spoke to my mom yesterday, and since A. had recently expressed some concern about whether or not my parents liked him, I had to ask. I’ve not spoken to them much since they first met him, so I’ve never really gotten their opinion, but I just assumed they liked him, as I saw no reason why they shouldn’t. And of course they did. My mom even said that she thinks that he is really good for me I guess that I just have to hope that his mom thinks the same about me … at least his friend P. said that she thought so
Five days into December now, and I’m alone in the darkness, listening to depressing music. Apparently that’s pretty much all I have in my record collection. At least A. always claims that, and I guess that it’s not very far from the truth. I guess that I just like music that makes me feel, and that is mostly sad music … the kind that sort of squeezes your heart.
And I am truly hopeless. A. and BA went out to see a concert (Sator) at Sticky Fingers with some other friends, and I almost started crying when he was leaving. And I can’t say why. I just felt so … I don’t know. It’s hard to explain. Hopeless, probably. That’s the most common feeling for me, right? Think it was partly a feeling of being odd and boring for not wanting to go out to a rock concert, and not really feeling up to going into town to meet up with them after the concert, as that was going to be “too late” and … I don’t know. I guess that sometimes I just wish that I was like most people … if that makes any sense. And then I guess there was the general sense of abandonment that I am all too good at feeling. That makes me feel pathetic too. I can’t break down as soon as he does something that does not involve me. I know this. A. noticed that I was sad and asked me why, but what could I say? I can’t even try to explain all the mixed up feelings I have, and it makes to so hard. I mean, when I get sad for the most idiotic things, it’s hard to know when the feeling is justified or not. And I can’t exactly tell him that it hurts to be without him, as that is truly not okay. I don’t want to keep him in a prison made out of my love and my low self-esteem and my hopelessness. He did ask me if he should not go, if he should stay home … but I can’t possibly ask him to do that. I don’t want him to do that, really, even though the broken part of me does. He texted me a while later saying he loved me more than anything and that he hoped that he hadn’t said anything to make me feel sad … and I know that he worries that if he did do or say anything to make me sad, I wouldn’t let him know. The worst part being that I can’t honestly promise him that I would. I am, as I have established so many times before, really a pathetic creature!
Apart from me being an idiot, it has been quite a nice day, in which we (A., Sofus, BA and me) baked lussebullar (a kind of buns with saffron and raisins that we make at this time of year), played Super Mario Wii and Trivial Pursuit (I won!) and just hung out. Sofus and I watched “Kung Fu Panda” after the guys had gone, but I fell asleep and missed most of the action … I can’t seem to stay awake in front of the telly! We then watched a documentary about sharks and the hunt for shark fens … it was really depressing. It’s so sad how much damage humans do to the world, in so many ways. And it’s so awful to see how they just take the fens from the sharks and then throw them back into the sea Even though it would still be bad to hunt endangered species it would at least feel a bit less horrible if they actually used the whole fish, right? They also mentioned different statistics about what causes most deaths in the world per year (as opposed to the number of people killed by sharks, of course) and I can’t shake the fact that 8 000 000 people die from starvation every year- That’s eight ninths of the Swedish population! One can’t grasp it, really … It’s a weird world we live in, where some people die from lack of food while others throw food away every day and eat so much they get obese and sick and …
And now I just long for A. to come home. I need to feel his arms around me. I need his smile … I need the sparkle in his eyes that tells me that to him I am special … I know that I need him too much, but I can’t help myself.
each other on Facebook, as it shows that we really care about and love each other, and it’s not just pretty words … Oh my God! I am such a lucky girl to have this wonderful man in my life! I love him so much!
) and I go on vacation by airplane … but I try to do what I can … I sort my trash into the various recycling bins (paper, cartons, glass, plastic, metals), I put my organic waste in the compost bin, I try to bring a fabric bag to the store when I go shopping, I never leave my TV on stand-by (partly because I am scared that it will start to burn), and I try to buy ecological groceries at least once in a while (I admit that I don’t do it when it costs double the price of the ordinary stuff, I am no saint!) … I am no hero, but I refuse to stop tending to the little things because there are bigger sources of problem. 
WIDGETIZE