Posts tagged with "love"
Wednesday, 30. December 2009, 17:54:38
love, worrying, A, sms
There is a full moon on the clear sky outside my window, and tonight my baby is coming home! No need to tell you, I guess, that I can’t wait to have him in my arms?! In fact that is pretty much all I can think of right now, and I wish I knew when he’s going to be home … just sent him an SMS to ask him if he had any idea … and now I will be waiting nervously until he replies, afraid that something has happened to him out on the snowy, icy roads. I hope they are not as bad as the pavements and walkways are here in town … every step one takes outside around here is pretty much a danger to life and limb. Since the weather was really lovely today I had to risk it though, and took a walk out in the crisp air … but it’s not like I could keep up any pace, and I had to watch my every step. It was lovely to see the sun, though.
Around a quarter to midnight last night I was woken up by the SMS signal of my phone … at first I was really confused, not understanding why the alarm went of when I hadn’t set any and why it sounded so odd … but then I realized what it was I had heard … and it was a message from A. saying that he hoped I did not feel that he was repeating himself, but he missed me and loved me a lot. Aaw! The sweetheart! No way on Earth that I would mind him telling me that. As far as I am concerned he could tell it to me every second minute and I wouldn’t mind 
Don’t know what else to say … like I said before, all I can think of is having A. back home … and worrying. Been fifteen minutes and no reply … but there could be a number of reasons for that, and I try not to fret. Try, that is. He means way too much for me not to worry. Gosh, how I need him here with me!
Tuesday, 29. December 2009, 20:19:05
love, tv, A, feelings
...
I wonder why TV refuses to show my favourite shows these days. I had been looking forward to sitting down on the couch to watch “Navy CIS” and had told myself firmly that today the little pink computer was forbidden, as it just makes me loose track of what’s going on in the show I am watching, and “NCIS” is way too cool for that. But … do you think that they showed “NCIS”? No! Instead there was the stupid show with Swedish Hollywood wives again. And yes, folks, I am well aware that there is war and starvation and all that in the world, and that a cancelled TV-show isn’t really a problem, but … I am still upset. I had looked forward to spending a little time in the company of Abby, Gibbs, McGee and the others, trying to forget that sweetheart isn’t here …
Speaking of which … I have a really lovely picture of him on my desk top right now (on the old computer … apparently one can’t put a desktop picture on the small one *sigh*), to at least be able to see him every once in a while (I admit to looking at his very pretty Facebook profile photo every now and then too *blush*). I am pretty sure that he wouldn’t like my choice of picture, but what he doesn’t know won’t kill him, right? It’s of him making a funny face, and it reminds me of how he always makes me smile I have a framed picture of the two of us by the bed too … I got it from him the day before Christmas as an early present … But I can’t wait until tomorrow when he’ll be here and I’ll see him live again … when I’ll be able to hug him tight, cover him in kisses and tell him how beautiful he is.
I cried myself to sleep again last night. Or … that’s not true. I went to bed, I worked some on a Japanese picture puzzle (they’re perfect for when you want to keep your mind off of everything else), I laid on my yantra mat for a while … then I tried to sleep. And then I started thinking too much, thoughts just spinning ‘round and ‘round in my head … of how he probably had a much better time without me there and how his friends were probably just happy that he did not drag his quiet and boring girlfriend along and … then I cried so hard I could not breathe, and of course I wasn’t able to fall asleep at all after that, but just laid in bed, twitching and turning and feeling miserable. God, I am truly pathetic!
In any case I managed to fall asleep in the end, and was awakened from a really weird dream by an SMS in which he told me that he missed me, that he longed to hug me and cuddle with me, and that he loved me. Gosh how I wished in that instant that I had wings so that I could have flown to him! No need to tell you that it made my morning a lot better than my night had been, right? And now I will just have to go to bed and wake up without him one more time, then he’ll be home … and hopefully it’ll be a while until I have to sleep without him again! I truly miss him so much it hurts, but let’s hope that I can keep from crying tonight … Gav said something about A. being like medicine for my soul, and that is so true. And this girl definitely don’t do too well when she goes off medication 
I went shopping at Backaplan with JoJo today, and apparently that was a good choice for shopping grounds, as JoJo said the city centre looked over-crowded when she passed it on the tram, but the stores that we went to weren’t crowded at all. Not that there were anything really interesting on the sales anyway … I managed to find a dress to wear for New Year’s, though not on sale. I think my sister will be pleased with it, as it doesn’t show very much cleavage and isn’t too short All in all we spent more than four hours shopping, but still didn’t come home with much. Well, I think JoJo managed to find a little more stuff than me, like new shoes, a coat, a cover for her new I-phone etc. We also bought some wine for New Year … Neither of us know much about wine, but we hope that we didn’t do too bad After all, people won’t have to drink it if they don’t like it! And since we’re talking about things that one can drink I just have to, a bit out of the blue, recommend you to taste polka tea! I got some at Liseberg before Christmas, from the Gränna polkagris store … and I just love it!
Wednesday, 16. December 2009, 13:42:35
polls, love, A
We’ve gotten a tiny bit of snow here today! It’s definitely not much, but it’s there … and the world looks a bit prettier right away. But I admit to being tired of darkness now. I spend all of the daylight time at work, and some days it doesn’t get light at all … yesterday was such a day. There didn’t seem to be real daylight outside even when we had lunch. It’s depressing, really. But then again, today might be one of those days when I shouldn’t write my blog, ‘cause I feel gloomy and then I tend to sound like life is the worst thing ever, no? But I have to write today, as my blog has got a cute new header that A made for me. I might add that I had quite a lot of trouble getting it to appear on the site, but now it’s there! And I guess that I shouldn’t have been surprised that I had trouble adding it, considering how much head ache MyOpera has given me lately …
Today I read about some kind of poll that had been made in Britain … I don’t know the actual purpose of it, but I think that it was made by a shoe company of some kind, so perhaps it was not to be trusted … To be honest I wish that it’s not showing the truth, as it stated that out of the thousand women asked only 63% remembered the name of the first guy they kissed, while 92% remembered the first pair of shoes they bought. Doesn’t that sound absurd? I have no recollection whatsoever of the first pair of shoes I bought … but I most certainly remember the name of the first guy I kissed. And the fact that I didn’t like it much It felt rather weird. But I like it now, no worries! I also have a very clear recollection of when one of my former penpals wrote me about her first kiss and she said “did you know that lips taste like salty?” In any case, I refuse to believe that shoes leave deeper impressions in women than relationships!
This said, my sweetie wrote earlier that he was thinking about how to find me a Christmas present that would show me just how much he loves me. That’s just too sweet! Even though there is no way a present would mean more than the fact that he wants to be with me! And I told him as much. Anyway, I’d like to write more but there is work to do and tonight I will go to the Christmas market at Liseberg with my sweet sister … See you!
Monday, 14. December 2009, 20:46:51
cards, love, A, weekend
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Phew! Next year I will definitely have to start the Christmas card making and writing earlier … I’ve done some cards today, and written most of them … and I feel wasted. They have to be mailed on Wednesday (well, the ones going abroad should probably already have been sent …) and I have some that I will write tomorrow as I either want A. to sign them as well or I need to write a little more than just a greeting. Making one’s own cards sure takes a lot of time, and I admit to cutting 
several people out of the original list of recipients … No hard feelings, I hope. After all, most people don’t even send Christmas cards these days …
Today it’s SEVEN months since A. and I first met! But he’s at a Christmas party with work, so it’s not like we celebrate. I doubt he’s even aware of it … he hasn’t seemed to keep track of the date before. I suppose that it’s a typical girl thing … and I am not usually very good at remembering this kind of thing either, but the date when I met A. has stuck in my mind for some reason … perhaps because even though I didn’t know it back then, it proved very important. A. on the other hand said yesterday that he remembered what I was wearing the first time he visited me at home (a blue dress) and he’s already stated before that he remembers what I wore when we first met. So he has his own mind for details … and obviously my clothing is important to him I remember what I was wearing too, but not what he was wearing. Haha! The only time I have true recollection of what he was wearing what that time when I met up with him and Karin in town (God, I was nervous then, as my readers might remember …) Maybe I shouldn’t admit it, but that’s the first time I remember thinking that he was good-looking (he looked so handsome in his black shirt, black tie and black vest!) … Now I can’t think of anyone being more beautiful than my sweetheart but it was not his looks I fell for first … it was his charm and the way he makes me laugh and feel happy inside He IS beautiful though … the most beautiful there is!
The past weekend was a really busy one … a bit too booked up for my taste, but that’s what happens 
this time of year, no? We had a Christmas party with work Friday night. We had a lot of food & candies (my stomach ached when I got home) at Långedrags värdshus, which was a very pretty place even though it was hard to find and a bit far away for my taste. It took me over an hour to get there with public transportation … Fortunately my sweetheart came to pick me up when I wanted to go home, so I did not have to spend another hour+ on trams and busses! And it was so nice to come home and cuddle up in the sofa with him … I fell asleep pretty soon, of course, but still … it’s so lovely to be close to him! (This said, one of his shirts are hanging on the back of the chair I am sitting at, and every now and then the scent of his perfume reaches my nostrils … makes me long for him even more than I already do!)
Saturday we visited A.’s parents as his mother celebrated her birthday … and once again we were stuffed with food and pastries and stuff. There was A LOT of sitting still and eating too much this weekend … as on Sunday we baked gingerbread cookies + had dinner and cake at my parents’ place. If we continue like this I will not only not fit into my trousers anymore, but I will start looking like a basket ball or something 
I really don’t like having every day on a weekend booked up like that … it makes me feel stressed. It’s nice to have some free time, too. But we did have time to take long breakfasts and cuddle on the sofa, at least What would life be without cuddling, huh? Empty … I know, only too well!
Wednesday, 9. December 2009, 13:33:11
love, life, apartment, A
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I actually meant to try to write every day, as you might have realized from all the entries at the start of the month. But that intention failed, of course. I don’t know where time has gone, but I guess I’ve just been up to other things On Saturday me, Sofus, JoJo and Lisa had a seven hour Christmas card making marathon (I might add that neither of us managed to do all of this year’s Xmas cards) and then I just watched TV and cuddled with A. Monday night A. and I had a small meal at Le Pain Français (it always feels a bit special to be there, as that’s where we had our first date) and then we went to the movies to see the latest and last Stieg Larsson/Millennium movie, “Luftslottet som sprängdes” (The girl who kicked the hornet’s nest). It was totally okay, but I’d say that the first two movies were better. This one felt a bit long, somehow. And then yesterday I went with K. to the stable and we took a walk with her horse (he’s recovering from an injury) … it was very, very cold and dark outside, and when I got home I felt chilled to the bone and did not warm up 
until I’d taken a hot shower, gotten a hot meal that A. cooked for me, and cuddled a bit. But it was still healthy for me to get out of the house and get both some fresh air and some exercise, I am sure. By the time we had eaten and done the dishes etc. it was already time to cuddle up in the sofa to watch “NCIS” so the evening passed rather quickly. These days they show “NCIS LA” directly after the other one, but I don’t think I’ve seen more than one full episode … I always fall asleep. I did so yesterday as well, and woke up finding A. watching one of the Gordon Ramsay shows.
A. and I have started to look for a new place to live. I don’t think that I have to tell you that it feels huge to even consider such a thing, but it feels good too And considering the fact that it’s not easy to find apartments in this city, it’s not likely that we’ll move right away anyway … I’ll have some time to get used to the idea. It’s not like it should really be such a big deal, after all we are pretty much already living together A. is very, very excited and already planning what furniture to bring along and stuff like that. I hope he doesn’t think that I am not excited about the idea of moving in with him … it’s just that I don’t think I’ll grasp it until it’s really happening, you know? When we actually have an apartment waiting for us … THEN I might get into planning mode. I do admit to it feeling very good to know that I won’t have to make all the decisions on my own this time … I had a tough time when I moved into my current apartment as I really suffer from anxiety when it comes to making decisions! We did apply for an apartment that is located exactly where I’d like to live, but I suppose that the odds for getting it is astronomical *dreams away a bit* Hm, in any case, like I said … this feels huge, even if it isn’t even really happening yet.
I spoke to my mom yesterday, and since A. had recently expressed some concern about whether or not my parents liked him, I had to ask. I’ve not spoken to them much since they first met him, so I’ve never really gotten their opinion, but I just assumed they liked him, as I saw no reason why they shouldn’t. And of course they did. My mom even said that she thinks that he is really good for me I guess that I just have to hope that his mom thinks the same about me … at least his friend P. said that she thought so
Friday, 4. December 2009, 12:26:34
dreams, A, love
Day four of December and it seems like we’re back to grey and wet weather … I don’t think that I have to tell you how boring I find it. Frost is so much prettier than rain! And sweetheart is getting his tyres changed today, so I won’t have to worry as much, even though I hardly think that I can stop worrying altogether. I guess that most people worry about bad things happening to their loved ones, and I am perhaps a bit worse than most people … I’ve worried myself sick for my sister on occasion too. I don’t want to imagine what it’ll be like if I ever have kids!
I managed to fall asleep finally yesterday, against all odds. The new pillow is probably good, but not cozy in the way a softer pillow is, you can’t cuddle with it, so to say. And being without my cuddly honey felt so lonely … When I finally fell asleep I dreamt that I was in Copenhagen, all alone, and I meant to go to a jazz club. There was a really friendly guy at the entrance that I spoke to, but I don’t recall that I ever actually entered the club … then I was at my hotel room and A. showed up. He said he had had some time over from whatever he was doing – I don’t think it was in the same city! - and had decided to come and keep me company for a while as he knew how I hated to be alone and ‘cause he had been missing me. Then we were in his car, and he parked it behind some building by a river so that we could snuggle, but then R. from work came into the car (that was now a truck of some sort) for no apparent reason, and the situation felt sort of awkward. Even though some of the elements of the dream were sort of weird, I wouldn’t say that it’s hard to see the “meaning” of it in general … as it’s obviously a wish-fulfilling dream I woke from the dream around twelve, and got a text message from A. in which he was sending me lots of kisses … That made me feel warm at heart, I tell you, that he had been thinking of me in the middle of the night … and I fell asleep again after a while … Suppose no one is surprised when I say that it felt empty to wake up without him beside me … and that I can’t wait until I see him again later today?! I love this guy dangerously much, I tell you!
Speaking of love, they spoke about a poll on the radio the other day in which a number of people had been asked if they loved their partners, and an alarmingly large number had replied that they did not, or that they did not know. I don’t remember the exact numbers now and I can’t seem to find any article about it on the Internet (maybe I just suck at googling?) but I think it was only something like 50% who actually said that “yes, I love my partner”. Now, isn’t that just too sad? I wonder if people just don’t recognize what they’re feeling as love, or if people truly stick with people they don’t love out of other reasons?
Wednesday, 2. December 2009, 20:26:12
frost, love, A, feelings
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It’s the second day of December, the moon is full and the cold lingers … it was -5 degrees when I left home this morning, and even though it was really dark, I could still see hints of glistening frost in the lamp lights, and it was very beautiful … not to mention how pretty the world was later, when the sun was up. I don’t see much of the outside world from where I work, but I saw it at lunch, when H. and I went for a short walk, just to feel the cold, crisp air and the sun on our skin for just a few minutes. The surroundings of our workplace don’t exactly inspire long walks, but … there are some little treasures of beauty even there … such as the field of high 
grass that was glistening so beautifully outside the window of the room where we eat our lunch if we stay in the building … Frost makes the world so beautiful one could almost cry! It puts a shimmer to the world, much like love does…
… and I truly wish that I could put into words the way it makes me feel inside when A. smiles at me. But perhaps it is good that I can’t. Perhaps some things should not be explained or put down in writing, but just felt and experienced and enjoyed? And I just love the way he always makes me laugh. That’s definitely one of the things about him that I fell for … It’s a really good quality in a person, that they are able to make you laugh, no? I found some old e-mails in my account at work today, where I had written to C. about him when we had just met … and I kept saying how charming he was And that he is. When you think about it, the way my life is now … seven months ago I would never have imagined that I could be this happy … I w as seriously wondering if I would be alone forever … I was seeing horror scenarios in my head of lonely Christmases and holidays in the future … of being lonely and bitter and miserable. That could still happen, of course, but … at least it seems less likely now
This said, I’ve been to French class tonight. It was the second last lesson for this semester, and we’re into the last chapter of the current text book. It’s been quite an intense semester, and the last few weeks we’ve learnt passé composé, imparfait and future tenses … it’s all getting a bit tangled up in our heads, I tell you … but I’d say we’re doing progress. There is so much difference between this class and the one I was in last year! Here everyone is focused on learning and seem to have done their homework each week, asking relevant questions etc. I am so glad that I changed classes! Not only because I prefer going on Wednesdays when A. works late anyway Speaking of which, I hope he comes home soon! Can’t help but worry a bit about him, since it’s so cold and he still doesn’t have winter tyres on his car … and I long for his embrace! *in love*
Monday, 9. November 2009, 19:06:02
movies, love, opera, A
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I’ve grown tired of trying to be useful now … it's to no use anyway. I tried to do some tidying, and the result was pretty much the usual one, which means that there is next to no difference at all. I tried to cook dinner, but it didn't turn out very tasty at all … and having to eat it alone did not make it better. Eating alone sucks … especially when the food is no good. But A. is visiting his parents tonight, so I had no choice but to eat alone. To not eat at 
all isn't exactly an option. I just hope that he doesn't come home too late, as I really miss his arms around me, and also it's nice to see a bit of him before going to bed, if you know what I mean? It's nice to do a bit more than just sleep together, even if that is nice enough.
He met my parents for the first time yesterday And I suppose that it went well … I never really thought that it wouldn't. It's not like my parents would have any reason to dislike him … and my parents are rather easy-going, so … But still, it's not like my parents have ever been in this situation before, so who could tell? Hihi. Like my sister said, I don't think there was any matter of them checking him out to see if he's okay … I think they figured that out already … if not by the fact that I am crazy about him, so by the fact that my sister approves of him And mom had cooked a delicious dinner, as always!
The whole weekend was very grey weatherwise, and we were rather lazy. Watched movies, snuggled, went to a birthday party for his niece (she turned seven), went for coffee and a short walk in the botanic garden … and not much more than that. As for the movie watching, on Friday night A. did most of it on his own (he watched “Poseidon”) as I fell asleep on the couch. I was very tired after a busy day at work and an early morning, and having a glass of wine at dinner didn't help They also showed “True lies” on TV, a movie that I enjoy a lot, but I was really too tired to stay up to watch it. We did watch a couple of movies that I actually saw too, “Rallybrudar” and “The mummy: The tomb of the dragon emperor” … It was perfect weather of that kind of activity … the sky was so grey and it never really grew light even during the day. Depressing really … true November weather … I hate this month! It's the worst of the year, I think. It's a good thing that I have someone who brightens it up for me.
My sister found the coolest t-shirt on Sweden Rock Shop today … another Cookie monster one. Unfortunately they only have it in men's sizes - so unfair! There was also a really, really cool one with the A-team, that I would've wanted to have … but I am way too small to be able to buy anything that is not sold in girl sizes. This said, I wonder what on Earth I should get A. for Christmas … and he's already been bugging me for a while about what I want … but I really don't know! I really wouldn't lie if I said that all I really want for Christmas is him … I don't really need anything else It might sound cheesy, but … it's true.
I'm listening to beautiful love songs here, so who can really blame me if I go all cheesy? (Even though I really don't the fact that we end up calling anything that is cute or romantic or something like that “cheesy”, it's kind of sad, no?) … “I am complete now that I found you” I hear Savage Garden singing … that is how I feel. And A. often tells me that I complete him, so … It's such a lovely feeling. I am so lucky to have found this beautiful, lovely guy to share my life!
PS. Would anyone care to tell me why the My Opera editing tools won't work anymore when I use Internet Explorer? I've never had any problems with it before, but now nothing happens when I click the buttons 
Is this a trick to force me to use Opera? Firefox worked a bit better than IE the other day when I tried it, but ... not perfectly either, as the codes kept ending up at the end of the entry, no matter where I wanted to place them ... *annoyed*
Wednesday, 4. November 2009, 20:00:48
winnerbäck, love, A, time
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Ha! I just realized - when looking backwards in the blog - that today it’s five months to the day since A. and I kissed for the first time! Oh my God! That really feels a long time ago now … and I’ve grown so used to having him in my life that it’s almost scary. I am still thankful for it 
every day, though … and I think that the most amazing thing is that I actually dare believe that he feels the same way. He often tells me that I complete him … and yesterday he wrote me that I am the best thing in his life. He makes me so happy! And I love him so much!
It feels like it's dark and cold outside all of the time now, and we talk a lot about going into hibernation. Building a little nest, cuddling up close to one another and just sleep the cold, dark period away … But, of course, we can’t do that … It’s sort of depressing though, how it’s dark all the time. We’re entering the period when it’s dark when I go to work and dark when I get home, and I hate it. Sure, it’s cosy to be able to light candles and all that … but one can do that later in the evening … one does NOT want to do that at five o’clock!
This said, I like being back on standard time, even though it made the afternoons darker … My inner clock is definitely working on standard time, not Daylight Saving Time. I felt a huge difference when we changed back to standard time, really. It’s not like I jump out of bed in the morning, but I don’t feel as dead tired as I do during the DST period … not even when I get up slightly after five. I don’t really see the point of DST, and I know that I am not the only one … why can’t we just abolish it? It feels even more stupid since not all countries have it, and those who do don’t even change at the same time. Standard time all year around, that would be my wish!
I’ve been sleeping really badly the last couple of nights and someone suggested that it might be due to there being a full moon outside. I know that many people find their sleep being affected by the full moon, but I have never noticed it being this way for me … I wonder if it could have anything to do with it, or if it’s just a coincidence?! I hope that I will sleep better tonight, ‘cause one really needs sleep! It was blowing very heavily tonight too, which didn’t exactly help. As I was trying to fall back into sleep (I woke up time after time, perhaps once every hour) I kept thinking of how 
unpleasant it would be to go out this morning if there was a storm … I’ve had really weird dreams lately too … Most of the time I can’t remember them once I wake up, I just have a feeling of discomfort inside, you know?
Saturday, A. and I saw Winnerbäck in concert at Lisebergshallen and it was great! Music gets so much more three-dimensional when you hear it in concert … I don’t really know how to describe the feeling … it’s like you get to be one with the music, somehow … it overwhelms you and sort of captures you in a little capsule for a while, where it’s just you and the music and your feelings, somehow. When he performed "Jag har väntat på ett regn" my eyes actually flooded with tears … That song really, really hurts. It was a great deal of luck that I had A.’s arms around me, or I would probably have broken down totally. I don’t think that he realized that I was in pain, but that doesn’t matter … the pain is mostly old … and him being there meant so much. The songs from the “Daugava” album were definitely the ones that affected me most … “Om du lämnade mig nu” almost made me cry too … that being, I guess, since it’s a song about parting from someone that you love/have loved and I sort of imagined what it would feel like if A. left me. I don’t know if I would’ve survived that. I listened to this album a lot during a period when my soul was very much in pain, I guess that leaves its marks, eh?
Friday, 16. October 2009, 14:44:30
love, A, gifts, travelling
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There’s been a lot lately that I should’ve blogged about, but I never seem to get around to it. In most ways I guess that it’s a positive thing … that I have other things to do than sit by the computer, pouring my heart out over the internet, but … I also know myself, and that I will regret later on all the things 
that I did not put down on paper. I regret that already about the first dates with A. for example … the fact that I only mentioned our first date as “went out for coffee with the HP guy” or something similar … Knowing how it turned out, of course I wish that I had written down my first impression of him and all that … not to mention all the little things and all the feelings since that day! It’s kind of sad that the happy moments will be sort of forgotten, while the sad moments of my life will forever be remembered as they are saved in a million words in my blogs and diaries …
Wednesday it was five months since that first time A. and I met at Le Pain Français, and I don’t think that I have to tell you that I am very, very happy that it did not end with just that one time and that I now have a place in his heart, as well as he has in mine. I don’t think he was aware of the date exactly, but I am pretty sure that it made him very happy when I left him a cute little plant with heart decorations and some heart shaped chocolates and a sweet card on the table that morning. Along with all the other things I am happy about, I am glad that I’ve found a guy who actually appreciates this kind of thing, and also makes the same kind of gestures without being forced by it being Valentine’s day or something of the kind … Know what I mean? We still leave each other loving notes every day, and it makes me smile and warm at heart every time I get home from work and get to read his sweet words.
And yesterday morning he had left the sweetest little gift on the table for me (he had gotten home very late on Wednesday night, after I had fallen asleep) - a heart-shaped silver locket with one picture of him and one picture of the two of us together inside. I think it must be the loveliest gift I have ever received! But the greatest gift is, of course, the fact that he is in my life, that I get to fall asleep and wake up beside him … and all the hugs and kisses … and his heart. I dare believe that it’s mine. At least he tells me so Did I ever mention that I love this guy to bits?
And our trip to Paris was so lovely! I should really try to write an entry about that one of these days. I wish we could go back. Now. Those were definitely some of the best days of my life! But life has its ups and downs and sometimes not even the love of a wonderful creature like A. can keep a girl like me on the right track … Last week I had some days where I felt so broken inside that I could hardly keep from crying … it felt like I was going to explode from a pain deep, deep inside that I could not define, but that hurt so badly that my eyes were constantly on the verge of flooding and there was a knot so hard in my throat that I could hardly breathe … The feelings that I get when I feel like that aren’t pretty, so I really don’t want to talk about them now … mostly because I am afraid of them resurfacing. I have, however, been okay since sometime Monday night. Don’t ask me why … but I do believe that parts of the reason why I was feeling so extremely broken was that it was very stressful at work combined with the fact that A. worked so much I hardly saw him at all, except for bed-time. Not to mention the fact that one evening he scared the heart out of me by saying he’d work overtime but probably not too late, only to come home around ten pm, not having sent any messages or anything. I was so afraid that something had happened to him that I broke down and cried, calling my sister, asking her hysterically “what do I do if he does not come home?” and stuff like that … Let’s just say that I broke down again when he did come home, and I cried hysterically in his arms for quite a long time. I think that next time he’ll tell me when he does not come home (IF he does not get caught up in his work and doesn’t realize that time flies, I guess *sigh*). It seemed like the idea that someone might worry about him hadn’t even crossed his mind, and he was very regretful. Oh my God, how he scared me! My heart almost beats faster even now when I think about it. I don’t know what I would do if something happened to him!
This said, I hope he comes home soon. I look forward to cooking with him, eating with him, cuddling with him all night … and I definitely look forward to not having to get up early tomorrow and leave him here in the warm, cosy bed while I bike out into the darkness and cold … It breaks my heart every morning, I tell you!
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